—August 8th 2019.

a day, a moment to remember by heart. forever.

D-17

—july 17th 2019.

perhaps, i should adhere to the fact that i cant always save everybody despite how much i wish i could. i could share with these people of the little that i have but at the end of the day, it would not help them as much. i know i go all greedy and show off at times, but im times like this, i do feel ashamed of myself.

so far, im also taught that, i cannot let people put grade or decide my value. i mean, this might sound abit off, and i wish i could write this in a better words. but in all honesty, being a waitress really teaches me alot! i can be a professor, a doctor or just about anything but when im in this apron, im treated equally just like the others. its not really surprising but even these days, double standards do exist. im learning to humble myself. one step at a time. yep, in this new place, i dont really wanna tell anyone about myself. only things they deserve to know. and its almost to none. not even the course im taking at uni. they only know i drive to work and i study in johor but i live in kl. and thats that. no elaboration or anything extra. only like three who know sum'.

my parents were right that its not all sunshine and rainbows. but still, im glad i actually went off my way and broke my ego to work as a waitress. im having internal battles with myself everyday at work and its not easy.. but its okay, im learnin sum'.

f*****h— a fuckhead.

writing this out of annoyance. theres this one mamat kepoh from school who loves to make big fuss out of everything. okay, im not gonna reply to him anymore. mampus la mamat tu jauh jauh kabut sial. like its so annoying, he keeps judging me for everything. post gambar nephew aku sendiri kot, aku tahula limit, pun dia kabut buat ig story berjela-jela apa bagai. so i kinda stop posting things that much on my ig? because of that stupid mamat. then, i use ws la instead sbb only viewable by my family and few friends yg aku saved their numbers from school.

forgot i saved his number from school, and didnt know he would still save mine? so benda aku post semua dia nak kecoh. suka hati akula nak post gambar duit aku ke parents aku bagi ke, yg dia nak panas sangat pehal. bodoh la mamat tu, dia ingat dlm dunia ni dia sorang je ke boleh flaunt his happiness. ha lepasni satu dunia la sila post dakwah je since semua benda tak kena. bodoh tul, aku rasa ramai lagi yg riak dari aku, tak habis nak aim aku. tak puas hati sebab kena reject dulu ke sial. dah lama aku puasa maki maki carut carut kat orang, ha amek kau seguni aku maki kau ni. bodo, nak kata depressed, dh puas aku kesian sabar dari zaman sekola. kalau sampai tahap ni, bukan depression dah, tapi masalah hati. cem sial la rosak mood aku. mampus aku block dh, childish tak childish, kabut sangat. liberal fuckhead.

D-12

—july 13th 2019 (sat)

practically, its day 13th but this happened yesterday's evening so day 12. clocked in as per usual. since the day before, was my off day, i spent the whole day with my family and my nephew so i was pretty energetic at work. clocked in at 6 and out by 11. so it was light.

okay what i wanted to say is, this is not made up Wallahi. but i felt loved here at work. far from home but somehow it feels close. makes me happy, there are people who actually give a damn about my existence besides my family. came to work, and suddenly cahaya was like "wehh hye kak zati, rindu kau", jo slap my butt and "wehh rindu kau bro", manager, ms kyra also "eh izzati! and she smiled so brightly" suddenly her angry face doesnt scare me anymore😹

and, yubu came out the kitchen to clock off and saw me then she was like "ehhhh BABYYY RINDU KAU!" and she quickly hugged me. it was pretty embarassing because there were few tables of customers were looking at us. cam cerita hisdustan bhaii hahaha

thats what significant about the day. it was simple but im grateful. also, sent joanna home but we dropped by family mart to lepak abit. it was 1130 so we just thought maybe itd be nice to just make it to 1 hehe😜

for now, i love my new workplace. senang nak pi sembahyang. got along with the people pretty quick and easy altho its tough in the first place but we're good now alhamdulillah.

time takda duit, mcm mcm nak. everything becomes interesting now that i have some, nothing seems to come to mind. my brain stops being productive. not even intrested in spending lol?

beautiful words.

—(thurs) july 4th 2019.

woke up with a slight fever. i guess its because ive never worked as hard. but the good thing is, todays my off day and took some time to read. came across an online book with english translation that says

今は闇であっても、明日朝が来るから大丈夫。きっと太陽の光が輝いてくるから

:) .

D-3

—july 3rd 2019 (wed)

today was no different than yesterday but i feel like i did better today! made new friends.. yknow, at every circle mesti ada staffs yg slack en so i met those two staffs today. didnt know till kak nana told me 'adik kejap lagi ada staffs nak masuk, adik jangan ambil hati dngn dia. dia okay tapi dia tak cool bila kedai busy' so i was 'alaa yekee takutnya.. saya takutla japgi nangis ke apa saya mana boleh kena jerit' then she said 'takpee akak teman adik, akak shift sampai ptng jee tapi akak teman sampai habis' so i was like hmm okay.

by around 2 the two staffs clocked in. long story short, it wasnt easy but got along pretty well by the end of today. kak nana is the senior staff. she prolly saw i got along well with them so she told me that she'll leave early..

and also today, i got a new name "baby"!!! wehhhhh geliiiiuiuuuuuuii!!! yubu ah punca. sampai kesudah duk panggil aku baby. sumpah segan hahahahaha! and she also gave me chocolate when she left with her boy-friend. "baby suka chcolate tak?" and i replied ' eshe eshe jee' then dia seluk jacket kasi chocolate hehe.

i feel so happy to get to know her. although she started soo soo rough with me but im glad that now shes so okay. shes like an older sister. also kak syira!! sososo pretty!!

ps:// esok cuti. rasa mcm nak lelap sampai pukul 2pm esok and terus sambung kerja

—wed, july 3rd 2019.

someone keeps his promise. today i receive last month's pocket money. tentiuuu ayah💕 since last month, i wanted to keep my duit belanja first just so i dont have to work during break. made ayah promise to keep the money and only give later on.. i changed my plan. staying home for too long is too boring so ill just work. and btw, today i woke up with a great pain above my ankle area. wow it hurts so baddddd😖

D-2

—july 2nd 2019 (tuesday)

today was busier than yesterday that my legs were both shaking by 8pm out of tiredness. i broke a glass today. the designated drink one. yoooooooo i dropped my jantung right away wehh but i stayed so calm but only He knows how i felt!!! sib baik time tu after lunch hour. aku sumpah tak keruan, ice box sampai kena tukar la. sib baik workmates semua baik. pastu duk comfort aku, takpa takpa benda dah tak jangka buat apa risau (aku muka kalau cuak mmng mcm nampak hantu, pucat gahaga). and yubo looked at me then i cam apologise and she was like ' ala dah pecah tu kau biarkan je nanti diorang settle lek ah' pastu dia sengih ganas hahaha okayla sis cam lega abit.

then, sibuk gila ambil order harini. teriba ada dua orng customers singh ni, i served them cem biasa je. smiles and sepatutnya la kan. then, diorang dh habis makan tu, a friend of mine cam nak clean the table and give receipt la en, then one of them said, its okay. then, right when i lalu, he stopped me and asked for receipt. then i quickly ran to get the checque book en, pastu dia cam terus bagi his card and folded money behind the card pastu dia buat isyarat shhh.

me as a newbie, rush la ke counter to bring the card and the money. little did i know it was tips! manala aku pernah dpt tips dari customers selama ni, retails kan. it was rm10 je tapi it surely moved me! and my other collegues who were at the counter cam "uuuu untungla banyak tu dia bagi tips" and one of them "cepat cepat simpan nanti manager suh masuh tabung restauraunt" hahaha aku pun senyumm dan simpan je la.

next, ni pasal collegue aku harini. nama dia christ. wallahualam islam ke tak tapi dia kitchen crew. bolehla tahan ada rupa and tinggi lak tu. tapi tngk pun tahu, baby baby lagi. tapi yknow when someone is interested in you, dia cam keep following you around and try to have those short convos.. aku jawab je la bebaik en, sebagai kawan sekerja. actually, dari semalam lagi dia cam usha usha. tapi smlm aku anggap sbb aku baru sebab tu la. pastu tadi, time closing, tengah kemas kemas tu, haihh nampak sangat la sumpah bukan syok sendiri. geli aku.. zaman zaman cemtu dh berlalu.. then tetiba dia dtng kat aku, 'zati, zati umur berapa?' pastu buat muka cecomel. aku jawab la '21'. pastu reaction dia when he knew im way older than him hahahahahahga kelakar wehh😹😹

okay ni part akhir, i park my car in the mall carpark sbb my parents asked me to. the fee is half my 10hours working! i told my parents about it but they insisted for me to park there. hm takpela janji diorang bayar hahahaha. back to the story, dh bayar parking ticket tetiba terserempak dngn last customers, aku senyum je la. rupanya dia park sebelah akuuuu!!! pastu reaction muka dia cam "wow". kelakar la aku tngk muka dia tapi takpee aku faham...

in a nutshell, i had new experience today. tiring but fulfilling. penat gila babiiii. babi pun tak penat cam aku. the end.

—cont

lepas solat zuhr tu, went back to the restaurant to ask if my meal is ready. yubo who was in the kitchen replied (tetiba dia cakap bebaik dngn aku) ' jap tngh grill ayam je ni'. we got free staff meal. so heres the first staff meal i had, cooked by yu and served by her. waktu tunggu ayam tu, i was still on break so went to the locker to take my typhoid id card. suddenly keluar dari pintu kitchen 'zati mana zati?!?'. mcm nak cari gaduh bhai! rupanya yu nak bagi meal je hahaha. tergelak aku lepas cemas ingat pebenda laa🙃😹

terbalik eh susunan sudu garfu tu yu.

ps:// tak pat nak ambil gambar cantik cantik or flatlay, because i was on break the same time as ms kyra. and she was having her meal in front of me😖😐

D-1.

—july 1st 2019.

clocked in at 11am and ended the shift by 6pm. all i gotta say, it was a very hectic day!! for a first-timer like me, i think it was like me skipping the beginner step straight to intermediate lmao. but okayla, everyone was very helpful and even the managers, they were so nice to me.

i met jo (joanna), a friend at work. we met for the first time and we just clicked! even ms kyra kept asking if we are friends from school! haha shes 18 and im 21 from different schools. it was so easy. for today, its nice working together as the first-timers.. she was in hotel administration changing mood to f&b.

also, got to know yubo who insisted me not to call her akak but yu. she came out from the kitchen while yelling 'ayam tengah bakar la' to the manager and that shooked me hahahaha wehh ni perempuan ke naga! badan kecik je tapi garang ya amaatttt!!! and through out going out and in the kitchen, we talk a little here and there. she was rough to me in the first few hours. then, when i entered the kitchen this one time, i heard she said to the manager ' aku tngk first day dia okay je, laju jee' but i pretended like i didnt see or hear them talking and quickly went out of the kitchen. shes loud. most of them are haha😹

then, after lunch, when the restaurant was not as busy, i went inside the kitchen again, to put the dishes, suddenly she approached me while she was washing the plates and putting them in the dish washer. ' belajar ke?' 'aah saya belajar dekat johor' 'ehh jauhnya datang sini' 'takla, saya orang sini tapi belajar kat sana' 'ohhh part time ke full time?' 'saya tak lama kat sini, part time jee dua bulan setengah saya dh berhenti' 'alaa sekejapnyaa, nanti cuti cuti dtng la kerja sini lagi'. then i just replied with a little laugh and a smile 'insyaAllah'. —gang baru hari pertama gang, baru je masuk. sembang mcm dah last day hahah

and thats when i looked at her differently. shes not bitter, shes just rough. shes a kitchen girl anyways, if you wonder. also, my main manager who i thought just a collegue, was so nice. ms kyra.. assist. manager ms su who keeps calling me 'adik adik adik'. padahal orang lain dia panggil nama tau! haa sejak bila aku jadi adik kau ni haahha. takdela, i okay je but yup thats roughly how my day one went!

kak nana who has been the longest staff working, and that 18 year old girl who i forgot her name that wanted to pursue her studies in law next year but afraid if she doesnt pass just because she failed to get a credit for bi so her plan b is going for kemahiran instead, and the last girl is permata ke cahaya tah nama dia. nama dia exotic sikit hahaha but still i fail to remember because its been a busy day. banyak juga dia tolong ajar ambil menu, 'clean as you go(cayg) bucket', key in menu dalam computer..

okay, i dont have any drafting ideaa on writing this post. so a bit bercelaru. but to izzati in the future, you do remember this day dont you? haa, it was a one of the good memories! adios.

a tweet.

—sunday, june 30th 2019.

as per usual, i would put my thoughts on pending and only write when i have so much time and when im at peace.

so, i came across a tweet during my finals week that says something like 'you may hate somebody for who they were and so little do you know that they have put their best to change for who they are, yet you still choose to hate him for who he is'. yeah some sorts like that, i dont remember exactly. that made me think of all the people that ive left because i hate what they did and simply because i dont wanna deal with them.

i wish i could confront them, but it would be a waste of time. there are just so many possibilities. it could be that its just me and not them and yadaa yadaa. so to simplify things, ill be the one to leave.

—cont

working with ayah means ill be part of the administration, whats fun? answering calls, passing the calls, stampings, jotting down dates and receive 1.5 -1.6k monthly? nope. ive seen how boring my sisters done those.. ayah wont let me work at the sites, he said, if i really wanna work, follow him to meetings. lol apa nak buat kalau mcm tu? menguap je keee ha boring. its no fun. i know my mother is upset that i took this so seriously. but its okay, she'll accept it in a week. probably. she needs to learn to understand and be more accepting, she cant always protect her children at all times. or else, we will never learn to stand on our own feet.

typhoid injection.

—sunday, june 30th 2019.

so i got my injection today at klinik kita. honestly, i was abit nervous from the start. went for the interview on friday morning (11am) and got accepted as a part timer.

my parents are not against my decision [this sounds so fake because everyone who knows my mother knows. she 100% hates my decision. she tried so hard to stop me, she even said, she'll give equivalent pocket monet if i dont work there lolllll. okayla faham because she explained to me already. but its once in a lifetime experience isnt it? relax la. hidup kena susah, tak boleh bawah ketiak parents je kan..?] but they wish i would just stay home or just work with ayah instead.

the thing is, its not that i dont want to work for ayah nor its because of money that im seeking for, but its because of the experience that i value. ive worked in retails and learnt alot! so in my thoughts, i should give f&b a try. well, i could just quit in the middle if i want to. so, i got nothing to be scared of kan? i wanna make use of my youth to experience everything possible. so on this break, i will try to compact my time the best i could. work, social life, as well as my studies! as per usual, ive already started to read abit for next semester.. so, i hope my plan works till the end! all is well✨

oh Allah

i cried in my zuhr prayer today. cried not because im having a hard time but because the realisation Allah gave me. it hit me very hard of realising how ungrateful i have been my whole life.

when people say those who have less give out more than those who have more. today, it becomes so real, when the character described is myself. my cousin, ayong is few years older than me. her family's economy isnt rich but decent. to be fair, she drives her own car. so thats basically a rough idea of the economy. so, the other day our other younger cousins were asking for a smiggle pencilbox from her cause they said she has made a promise. yknow those fancy pencil case with the unreasonable price. and ayong, shes one who keeps her promise and never not. and it was not the first time she gives things to these kids. she basically spoils them more than their parents do. ayong once told me monthly she only get rm350 from her parents, and tu la dia nak isi minyak, itula dia nak makan. thats like my weekly pocket money and tak termasuk duit minyak and touch n go. but tu pun berkira-kira jugak hmm. thats why i asked her, where does she gets all the money to buy this and that. belum lagi adik beradik dia.. although she worked as part timer during break, but apala sangatkan gaji tu tapi tu la, she has a giving hands. shes one of the people i look up to now.

i feel terrible after realising this. gotta work on this now.

my sister told me

—23rd June 2019

Angah told me yesterday that we will attract people whom are just like us. we were talking about life partner specifically. so, it got me thinking for awhile.. i mean, for sure, i want a husband, my lifetime partner to be somebody thats decent, someone who could take care of me like my parents do, and take good care of our family. but looking at myself, alot of fixing and improvements need to be done, hm right now im just afraid of alot of things.. it just made me ponder of whether or not, my boyfriend right now is the one. is he the person who id marry at the end of the day. i pray he is but if hes not the one, i pray that Allah prepares me enough by the time hes seperating our paths. because, i know that im incapable of handling everything, my emotions my mind, if that really happens :(