2-12-2022

It's been a while now since I've updated. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on December 2nd 2020 and on January 18 2022 I was told by an obgyn that I have cervical cancer. A week later I was told there is NO cancer in the tissue sample removed on the 18th. So far there is CIN 3 all over my cervix, in the deeper tissue of my cervix as well as inside of my uterus. Next step is a hysterectomy. I'm nervous and scared and anxious. I have my boyfriend of almost 3 years and our 5 children for support through this. I also have my sister and my aunt and a couple cousins. I don't have any friends anymore apparently. I've heard from no one and I'm done being used by people. I am kinda lonely while my bf is at work though. I wish I had a friend to come and hang out with me and smoke.

2/25/2020

It has been a while since I’ve posted anything. I started my life over. my abusive husband left me in a heated rage against me for not wanting our children to be homeless living in my vehicle. I started new in a whole new state I met a WONDERFUL man and he is amazing. he also has children from a previous abusive relationship. Him, his boys and my girls are my WORLD. I want them all to be happy and healthy and I will do whatever I need to to make sure of that. so far we have been together for 5 WONDERFUL months. he really is my rock and I trust him with my life and I know he will do anything for our family. we recently had some sh*tty situations arise and currently reside with 4 other people making a total of 10 people in one house and its driving me nuts. one is a liar and a thief and when said persons true colors were shown by myself to the rest of the house it pretty much went unnoticed after a few days. this person is (I feel) more loved and welcome and wanted than I am. I do everything I can to make sure the children are taken care of physically and emotionally and my boyfriend does what he can to financially take care of our family of 6. but his hours are being cut even after he just got a promotion/raise. our children were discharged from their daycare because I was rightfully upset because my youngest son was allowed to be injured and bullied and it was not dealt with and the self injury was because of not enough supervision. I am starting to become depressed again and will try to post on here more often to vent. I will also start writing more erotica like I did in high school and possibly posting that was well. let me know if anyone even reads my stuff or would like to read my explicit erotic short stories.

8-12-19

Really hate when you get no responses from someone your trying to reach out to for days. If someone cant make time to respond to you and then expects you to be ok with that. I really hate trying to reach out to people. If it wasnt for writing here (which yes i did just start) or acrolling through Facebook for memes or needing to call doctors and stuff i really wouldnt even need a phone. No one calls me, no one texts me, no one responds to my calls or texts. Makes me really question what the point is in being here. I feel like im really alive and on this earth for absolutely no reason other than to be there for other people. I listen. I really do, but who listens to me? No one because apparently what i have to say doesnt matter. Which isnt surprising as for my whole life ive always been labled "quiet" because no one gave me the chance to really talk. Well now im a "b*tch" because i say exactly whats on my mind. I even bite my tounge a lot so i dont piss people off. But it sucks that from being ignored and talked over its made me so bitter and b*tchy and makes me seem rude but im just DONE being a welcome mat. No one is walking on me anymore, yet im sure this sassy b*tchy mouth will get me in trouble quite a bit. I dont care anymore. If im ignored when desperately trying to reach out ill just vent here till im gone finally. No one understands what it feels like to be chronically ignored. Well im done being ignored. Im gonna speak my mind and youll hear it! If you cant be there for me when i need you then walk out of my life. Delete me from your life becayse i dont need to have fake as*es in my life. I cut contact with my own family because they were toxic, lying' fake as* people and i refuse to have that sh*t in my life anymore. ✌

8-5-19

Getting hard again tonight. I love him. But he wants to leave. Ill havs to leave the kids with him since i cant have them on the streets. But they will be safe. I just dont have the will anymore. Im feeling really broken. Ive lost everything, i have nothing left... What now???

8-4-19

I woke up swollen today for some reason my hands my face and my feet are all swollen. I feel very dizzy today and nauseous. I'm not sure what's going on with me. But it's weird and so I kind of feel like I'm in a foggy Haze type thing today but I'm still writing. Writing is actually been helping me. I've been feeling much better this last couple days. Apparently I do have a few real friends but they're just now showing up out of the woodwork. But I'm glad people are worried about me and care about me.

A story about “A”

since the beginning she’s felt empty. in school, she felt stupid because teachers wouldn’t always work with her to understand better. so because she couldn’t figure it out from vague directions, she was dumb, a problem child. She couldn’t sit still, they put her on pills that instead made her sleepy. She remembers having very few “friends” but many bullies. She was bullied for anything and everything. She was bullied right in front of teachers and they didn’t bat an eye. She’s been bullied since the as long as she can remember, even by family. she was always “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, “dumb”,and “gross”. Her siblings “T” and “M” always teasing her and upsetting her and then she would get in trouble for reacting, instead of being taught the correct way to react. If she had gotten help back then she would have been better by now. Her parents, “R” and “K”, they didn't want a girl first. they were told to abort, she doesn’t know why they didn’t. She never wanted to go to school but she also didn’t want to be home, bullied at school and at home was horrible.  In 1st grade she had a friend, “CP”, that would constantly lie to the teacher to get her in trouble. This friend was manipulative, if she got to choose someone to do something in class “CP” always made her choose “CP”.  In 2nd grade she lived next door to a girl the same age as her “CC”. she had a pool and would often have her and her siblings over to swim in summer. Over time “CC” stopped coming to the fence between their yards to play and talk anymore. She had another friend across the street “JK” who was more of a homebody. At school no one sat with her at lunch or breakfast even though “CC” and “JK” were at the same school. She often found herself playing in the sandbox or woodchips with the 2 kids in wheelchairs “DA” and “FE”. Her best friend was a kid who would give her little gifts before and after school, “TR”. He outgrew her friendship eventually as well though. In 3rd grade she was quiet and shy and found she liked a boy “BN” but was made fun of for her crush, she was bullied emotionally and verbally daily even trying to make friends with other kids brought bullying. One time someone even put gum in her hair and she had to have her beautiful hair cut off. There was a girl in her 3rd grade class having a birthday party her name was “LF”. All the girls in class got an invitation to the slumber party including her. She was ecstatic, the first birthday party she had ever been invited to and it was OVERNIGHT! She couldn’t contain her excitement. She was the first one dropped off the day of the party so “LF” and her played on her swing set until more people showed up, almost the whole class. But she realized that as other girls showed up no one talked to or included her. So throughout the party she was alone, eating snacks or sitting by herself. She went straight to sleep that night and was one of the first to be picked up, receiving very few “goodbyes”. This was the saddest moment of her 3rd grade life.  By 4th grade she had lost what few friends she did have because she had been moved to 4 different schools. only the new kid understands how hard it is being the new kid. Within the first few weeks she already had a new team of bullies, physically abusive bullies instead of just verbally and emotionally this time. teachers saw and did nothing, other kids tried to stand up for her and she got in trouble. She tried to be nice and become friends with the “misfits” people that had little to know friends as she knew loneliness well. Come summer and no one calls or wants to see her. spent her days riding her bike trying to make friends only to lose them once the bullies found her again. people claiming to be “extended” family didn’t see the abuse and torture she endured. sometimes the other kids were nice but not usually, she was used a lot and stolen from and lied about and physically hurt and run away from. She couldn’t wait for summer to be over and go back to school and see her old friends (“AS” and “KB”) she had left. The start of 5th grade came and within the first few weeks was dubbed a problem again, same bullies (“AG” and “CG”) but their ranks grew. She was not allowed to go on a single field trip and was not allowed in a classroom. She spent every day all day in the office with the assistant principal “AP”. “AP” would have her school assignments brought to his office and she sat in the corner at a desk every day, “AP” even had her lunch and breakfast brought to her in his office. She didn’t get recess either.   she distinctly remembers a few times being struck physically by both parents, “R” would use a belt or his hand on bum, back of thighs, lower back, “K” would use anything she could get her hands on and do whatever hurt worse. “K” also liked to throw things at her. “R” had a case against him saying he has punched her in multiple areas of her body, they left her there to be abused more. over the years she was bullied mercilessly in school and at home by siblings, parents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Family get togethers were bad as she was left to entertain herself as no one wanted to play with her. She was always asked growing up what happened to the “nice little girl she used to be” well that “nice little girl” was never given the help she needed. she was punished for her siblings misdeeds a lot. By 6th grade she was at a completely different school again, had been taken off her ADHD pills, and hadn’t seen these kids since 2nd grade. She sat with the “outcasts” but grew to love them “RF” “KN” “CB” “KD” “JD” they were her best friends, specially “JD”. She spent EVERY SINGLE DAY with “JD” at her house. Eventually reconnected with “TR” as he was her cousin, then met and connected with “MM” another cousin. Of course 6th grade wasn’t perfect, she still faced bullies, “KG” and “RW”, these were the worst, they tortured her every day for anything and everything. In 7th grade she had finally been placed in resource classes to help with math, up till now she had been having issues with failing. She also had a new crush, “CM”. her best friend “JD” knew this but still ended up making him her boyfriend. She then spent less time with “JD” and more time alone. When she met her first crush she got to hang out with, “MC”. He was amazing. But as keeps happening, everyone leaves. In 8th grade almost to high school, last year on top for 4 years she thought it would be the best. “KG” and “RW” were merciless. They brought on more and more bullies till just about everyone bullied her. She wouldn’t dare try to change her pe clothes in the locker room as she was extremely self-conscious of her outward appearance from more than 7 years of bullying. Therefore she was made even more fun of. No one really wanted to talk to her “JD” didn’t even sit with her at lunch or really interact at school at all. She moved from her table full of friends to sitting on bleachers with “KD” and “CB”. She did do a sport finally in 8th grade she threw shotput for track and field. That summer between 8th grade and 9th grade was the worst. Her best friend “JD” left for a whole year, they were able to talk on the phone and on video chat but not much. In 9th grade she was terrified, it was high school. These kids were even more mean than the others, and lucky her most of her old bullies all went to the same school with her and somehow knew each other or just tormented her just right so she was CONSTANTLY bullied, she tried different things, clubs, groups, nothing. 10th grade came and “JD” was back and they were inseparable for a few weeks, halfway through “JD” had to transfer. However she met “JH” “DG” “MM” “CJ” “GO” “RL” “AR” “WR” ”AB” “JM” “AL” “AC” “RB” “BN” “BD” “CR” “JC” “DS” “NT” “FJ” “HD” “JK” “JG” “JW” “KR” “PS” “FB” “SR” “SL” and “TV” and was able to at least talk to most of these people in passing. A few treated her as TRUE friends. She continued in her depression and emptiness as before regardless. Her first boyfriend was “JG”, he was older and more experienced and she was intrigued. He was also her first kiss but when she pulled away when he tried to touch her he ended up cheating on her. He cheated on her with ”AQ”, she’s never forgotten as that was her first boyfriend, first kiss and first heartbreak. Had a few boyfriends “JH” “JD” “JS” “DS” and they of course all ended before a few months except “JD”. “JD” was also abusive, he left bruises on her arms and legs and tried to get her to touch him. Tried to get her to sleep with him before she was ready and when she wouldn’t he called her names and became even more abusive. Even though she knew all these people they also knew him and picked on her before and so she never said anything to anyone about what was happening. So she figured it was normal. In 11th grade she was still being picked on and, in several groups/sports. She started talking to more and more boys and eventually started dating “DS” she was very comfortable with him and loved him and he did not pressure anything. She allowed him to touch her a few times but was too embarrassed about her body to do anything more since that was her first contact with anyone but a kiss. Eventually that was discovered by her parents and they were no longer allowed contact. She then started talking to “GF” now he was different, he knew what he wanted and how to get it, except her. He had 2 classes with her every day and would harass her to have sex with him every day, she never told anyone. She knew some people had lost their virginities already but was embarrassed that she hadn’t. she just wasn’t ready. The summer before 12th grade she went to visit an old friend “CP” in another state for a few weeks. She confided in her that she was a virgin but didn’t want to go to senior year as one and just wanted to get it over with. They spent those 3 weeks sneaking out every night to go hang out with “CP”s boyfriend while she was a 3rd wheel. Finally “CP” tells her she found a boy that would give her her first time. They snuck out of the house at around 12am that night, the night before she was to go home, it took about 15 minutes to be picked up by said boy and he wanted her to take off her clothes and lay on a couch in the yard and let him have sex with her while “CP” waited for them in his bedroom. She couldn’t do it. She was scared and nervous. The boy understood but “CP” was pissed. She didn’t talk to her again the whole rest of the time she was there. They got caught sneaking back into “CP”s room and “CP” said nothing to her as she packed and left that morning. 12th grade was the same as 11th grade, same bullies same sexual harassment from “GF” daily. She tried her hardest and made sure she tried to visit everyone she considered a friend during both lunches she had since she didn’t need 6 classes. she put her all into JROTC and fencing thinking she was going to go to the Olympics for fencing, and she would have made it, had her parents supported her at all. She didn’t even have any support in JROTC as her parents were never at any events or sporting tournaments. They supported her sister 100% but not her. She went to prom alone, not invited in a limo with her friends or asked by a boy, her parents dropped her off and picked her up, alone. No one wanted to dance with her so she tried to be less self-conscious and tried to dance with a group but felt people were making fun of her so she sat out the rest of the night. Even asking one guy “TW” to dance one slow song with her so she didn’t have to sit every one of them out, he left without telling her before the next slow dance. Not one person asked her to dance all night, she had her dress custom made with everything she wanted, had her hair and makeup done had her nails done and had the perfect shoes, yet not ONE single person wanted to dance with her or anything. When her parents showed up at the end of the prom to pick her up, she cried. She made it and graduated high school; she didn’t go to grad night because her parents wouldn’t pay for it. They did however throw her a graduation party the guests of which were mostly her parents’ friends. She thought all her friends would show up as no one else was supposed to be having a graduation party the night after grad night. Very few of her friends showed up.

8-1-2019

I’m tired of people not knowing or even caring what mental health is. I have depression, anxiety, some paranoia, and insomnia. let me tell you a little about how they make me feel. 

Depression, yes it means sad, it also means not feeling anything but emptiness, not wanting to do that fun thing you had planned. you don’t want to do anything even things that make you happy because you don’t feel like you deserve happiness. you feel like you deserve to be sad and lonely and invisible and nothing forever. a blank space, unnecessary, not loved, not wanted. no matter how much people tell you these things are untrue there is nothing that will change your mind. you think of nothing but the pain you feel inside from being so empty. sometimes it is very hard to reach out, specially if we reach out and get nothing in return. 

Anxiety, this means that not only does your mind never stop but your nervous about EVERYTHING and there’s absolutely no reason to be. it feels like you HAVE to worry about every single thing on the planet even if it has nothing to do with you. I cant help worrying. and when my unnecessary worrying and stressing get bad enough I go into a fight or flight mode. I wanna run away! but I cant run away from my own mind. so I freak out. my limbs start to tense up and/or go numb, my heart races, it feels like I would imagine a heart attack. it literally feels like your body is trying to kill you where you stand, and for no reason!

Paranoia, this is when you cant help but thing everything is about you, though not in a conceited way. you go to Starbucks and there is a group of people you have never met, they are hanging out and you apparently walk in AFTER someone tells a joke so their laughing when you walk in. I automatically assume their laughing at me. do I stink? do I have something stuck to me? am I just funny looking? do I have something in my teeth? it doesn't matter. their laughing at something and it just HAS to be me so now I’m sad and upset and in know people are seeing me get embarrassed and now I’m getting more unwanted attention. It never crosses our minds that not a single person even noticed us.

Insomnia, this sucks. Your body is so exhausted you can hardly if at all move, you throw yourself into bed to finally sleep. you close your eyes, and POP your brain starts asking questions, your eyes wont stay shut. you don’t feel tired brain-wise but your body needs to rest and sleep. you have a million thoughts running through your mind, you know you have to be up early tomorrow but your brain just will NOT shut off. next thing you know its time to get up and go to work or your appointment. no sleep so obviously you LOOK and FEEL tired.

but when you have all or some of the above at the same time its almost unbearable. you do nothing but worry, stress, isolate/withdraw, and are constantly exhausted. telling us “it'll get better” doesn't help, saying “oh just get over it” doesn’t help. and probably worst of all “some people have it worse than you, be thankful it isn’t worse” it doesn’t ever feel like anyone can have it worse. we ALWAYS feel like we have it worst. hopefully this can clear some stuff up

7-31-19

I feel so alone. I feel helpless and hopeless and that no one cares. Why can't anyone see that I'm reaching out but coming back empty handed? I feel as though no one really cares about mental health. It's all just an act.

Written 7-26-2019

DARKNESS

The empty corner, I accept its Isolating silence, I ache for the silence, I long for the seclusion which the corner offers. I feel the isolating quietness creeping over my icy skin and I welcome it with open arms. There is no one around, no sounds, it’s so quiet and peaceful. The Darkness surrounds me and I find comfort in it’s embrace. I close my eyes as the Darkness envelopes me and all my senses go blank and quiet. I can feel the Darkness against my skin, it is cold like ice. The last of anything I will remember forever is the feeling of my icy breath escaping my frozen lips in my final breath as Darkness fully consumed me.