the-kazoo-kid
My life goal is to confuse future archaeologists.
Reid. Jewish. Queer. 21+ If one more person hears that I'm an archaeologist and asks me what dinosaurs I've found I will actually lose my shit.
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Being a little too cold: brrrr i’m a little too cold !!!
Being a little too warm: i am going to kill the next person who makes eye contact with me.
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not fair that the cuntiest woman in this world is a muppet (ms. piggy)
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The idea of dragons in modern times is so fun because imagine a hot summer day on your vacay and go to use the hotel pool and staff is like "valued guests we regret to inform you that the pool area is out of service at the moment, we apologize for the inconvenience"
And people like "wtf why" looking out their hotel room window and there's this. This dragon just curled up in the pool chilling, literally, cooling itself down
Some of the staff are trying to gently shoo him away and the dragon does a soft little "rrrrrr" like a grumpy cat and a warning puff of smoke and they're like "fuck it i don't get paid nearly enough for this" and no ones using the pool today sorry!
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So Fox News ran a story about how they think libraries are turning into drug-infested sex dens and I am shocked, shocked that I was never offered any drugs during my 15+ years working in libraries.
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Rice Krispies smartest decision is by far their Treat. Turning their cereal into a strange brick relies on the natural fact that all children are hopelessly dependent upon the ingot.
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Sometimes I put my face up against my dog while he's sleeping to feel his little lungs expand and his little heart beat and I am struck by the beauty of of life and the miracle of nature to evolve for thousands of years just to create one little guy and put him in my house
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How did the crab get out of prison? And why did the crab get bad grades?
The answers to these conundrums and other clawsome jokes were among the competitors for the inaugural World’s Funniest Crab Joke competition, held by the Crab Museum in Margate to celebrate International Crab Day.
The winning gag, submitted by an anonymous joker, was: “Why did the crab cross the road? It didn’t. It used the sidewalk.”
An expert panel of judges, including the comedians Harry Hill, Rose Matafeo, Sally Phillips and Phil Wang, as well as children from Ramsgate Arts primary school, scored their favourite jokes before the totals were tallied and a winner crowned.
The only rules of the contest were that the jokes should be kept PG, and that lobsters could be mentioned in the setup of the joke, but not the “pinchline”.
Organisers said that, although most of the 700 submissions did abide by the rules, several jokes “were disqualified for scientific inaccuracy, and rather a lot for lewdness”.
In an unexpected sideways move, the crabs themselves picked the winner from the four jokes ranked highest by the judges, with the help of some tinned fish in bait bags and rolled-up pieces of paper with the jokes written on them.
The twist on the classic road-crossing formula proved triumphant, and was followed in second by another variation on a classic: “Man walks into a restaurant with a crab under his arm and says, ‘Do you make crab cakes?’ Manager answers, ‘Yes, we do.’ ‘Good,’ says the man, ‘because it’s his birthday.’”
Third place was awarded jointly to: “Why didn’t the crab help the chicken cross the road? Because it was eaten by a pelican crossing,” and: “What format do you have to save photos of crab soup on to? Floppy bisque.”
A Crab Museum spokesperson said the organisers hoped the contest might inspire people into environmental activism: “The quality and quantity of jokes this year has been astounding. We’ve been pinching ourselves since the submissions closed! That said, laughing at jokes, much like learning about crabs, can be a powerful tool to help us reassess our relationship with our environment. You’d be surprised how quickly you can go from chuckling at crab gags to letting down SUV tires. Whilst we may not have made this clear to our judges, it is in this spirit that the World’s Funniest Crab Joke competition has been organised.”
The museum, which opened in 2021 and claims to be “Europe’s first and only museum dedicated to the decapod”, aims to raise awareness of the often unheralded but incredibly diverse world of crabs.
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in my head the star wars equivalent of tswift is some human woman named tay’lor spiff or something and her stans are losing their minds over theories that she’s secretly a jedi singing about the horrors of war, even though she’s from a neutral system that hasn’t seen so much as a moral panic in 50 years
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i'm sorry but this is the only submission to this trend that i'll consider giving any thought to
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remember that time that spock said “this is about sex” but he couldn’t say sex so instead he said “biology” and kirk clearly knew what he meant but was awkwardly like “what kind of biology” and spock got this look on his face like ‘oh lordy i’m not dealing with this today’ and said “vulcan biology” and kirk can’t say the word sex either so he goes “u mean the biology of vulcans” and then they stood there in silence for ten seconds like a pair of fucking idiots
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