Have you ever felt something so raw, so pure, and so genuine. As if everything in your life fell in place like a puzzle. Staring at the picture each piece made together. I used to think I would always be misunderstood. Unloved, natraully from the betrayals and scars. That didnt just scar my mind, but my body. If you would have asked me a few years ago to put faith into someone for just love. I would have wanted to with every fiber. The internal strain would have made me drive harder to not need them. Not because I didn't love them, but because I did. To be abandoned was my biggest fear. I genuinely never realized, until sitting with myself. Feeling internally I was running even from myself. How odd. In reality how unfair, it was unfair to uphold past pain to the ones that had not wronged me. Like any caged animal, it took years for me to understand. Its okay to have emotions, and to be heard. I wasnt the best person, and thats not a way out. I fell into patterns because it helped me cope. I ran because comfortable was something i knew nothing of. I tried healing wounds without understanding the depth of them. I hurt people I loved, and well searching the wounds. I understood why people feel the way they do towards me. Yet in any story, their is growth, turmoil, and eventually a resolution. I wish I could say there was nothing wrong with me, but that would be a lie. For so long I had been so selfish. In past relationships, friendships, lovers quarrels. Even now looking back I would be better, I treated friends as a means to an end. Relationships as a campaign, and lovers as an object. How grotesque, looking at who i used to be I am ashamed. Knowing one day my children will be upon the world, and god forbid they meet someone like me. Someone I used to be. I never thought about the months a mother carried that child, that love walking the earth. Until Sarah, it was like she knew everything i was. Everything I hid, and without a word she made me confront it. They say genuinely growing up, is when your not worried about yourself but the person you love. I found a peace that I have never felt internally. She extinguished my rage, with a soft touch. Looking in the darkness that I held behind my eyes, with love in hers. Until day by day, the internal struggle to run was an empty reminder. The rage fell through my hands into a loving embrace. She put the pieces together to the picture of something I had never seen. Made me see the best version of myself, and I wanted to be everything she saw. I no longer have a mask, or the pain that no one could silence. I now understand more and feel like i have grown . I want to grow with her by my side, everyday, every moment. She makes me laugh and lose time. As if we could spend hours and it feels like 5 minutes. She is everything and more. Soon to be wife, i will find her in the next life. She is the other half of me, and how nice it is to be balanced. So I vow to be better, to love with every fiber of my being. To not run when it gets hard, and to confront my fears, struggles, and pain. I will always listen and understand and I aim to grow at every obstacle. We have proved anything thrown at us we can take, and I will take anything with you by my side. You are the only person that can make me kneel, and I love and respect you enough to know when to take a knee. I will catch you before you fall and anything we face we face together.

Sincerely,

Cass.

I feel as though i am looking through a glass, at myself. Peeling off the layers of numb, that are holding me like a weighted blanket. Then when it does, I feel everything. Like I am drowning peacefully, and then reach the surface for air. Oh the sweet breath of freedom, and then the fear. I am used to the numb, and the occasional push through. Yet this feeling is as if my soul is already dancing on my grave. I am grappling everyday to not show how weak i am. How much pain im in, because if they knew. They would treat me as if I were fragile. Making the fact that because my body is finally catching up with the tumor in my head. Doesnt mean I want to drown in the brutal truth. No one will know how lonely i am. Or the journal of letters hidden until the day I die, because hopefully I wont need it. I wont need it, because I will have a family of my own. Those letters will be the scars, of a war I once again have won. Whats funny, is I can win any war with any outer force. The wits, however how do you outsmart the source? My body is failing me, and I hate it. This is not who I am. I have pushed through abuse, torture, depression, and so much more. Of course its not someone taking me out, its me. They always did say I was my own worst enemy...how ironic. I can feel the darkness start to carve its way into my veins. I dont want it, I dont have the energy to be a pain. To fight others, to pretend, to allow to be hurt. That being said I dont want to be the villain. I cant help but feel as if I am a burden to the people I love, and or are close to. So it makes it easier when they leave. Cause I feel guilty for making memories for someone to potentially sit at my early grave. Hopefully it doesnt come to that, but if it does. This is my diary, that no one knows, and people that I love will never see. So I guess ill write to myself in August when they figure out the plan of action or i am rushed to the hospital.

Signing off,

Cass

I am maturing in my sexual nature. I can feel everything in me, lurking behind the mask. Of this gentle natured person that I am today. Its like the darkness behind my eyes tries to pool so heavily into them. Well I try to stop it like its a "flood gate". Yet the need for control makes itself manifest, the more I trap it away. Rendering me silent, because if I give in. I dont know how far I will go, nor that I will want to stop. Having someone hold onto you for dear life. Begging if they can stop, as they run over themselves. The gasps of air as you kiss them and tell them, "no". Watching the fear right before the pleasure..mmm what a turn on. I realize I have a switch, if I am pushed to far. I go from a controlled, calculated person. To someone who cant control the dark urges of pleasure. The masquerade ball in bed is such a wonderful dance, as we both dance with each other demons. Understanding the raw brutal truth of one another. How beautifully defining the lines are, after such an intimate moment face to face..

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