post 14

it’s been months since the last time i told my story on here. i was in a place with no real love for myself because my energy was clearly focused on someone else. i just finished my sophomore year of high school today. yesterday was class of 2018 graduation, noah’s graduation, you know what, his name is nolan. yestderday i probably saw nolan for the last time in my life, unless fate decides otherwise. it was bittersweet. a part of me that was with me for so long is finally gone. i am not that person anymore. he no longer defines me. i wrote him a long ass paragraph i’ll put in post 14 1/2 some time soon. saying goodbye was bittersweet but i am glad. we finally got the closure we needed. i am sad truly, the little crackle in my chest kinda came back, not because of him, but for the rush of emotions i get back when i think about our memories. but my life is now changing, i am changing, and normal is changing. it’s time for growth, time for nourishment, time for love. my love for him will always be there, but we weren’t meant to be and that’s okay. he still has a little part of my heart and a part of me.

a letter for nolan, not the one i sent him, but the one full of wishes and memories

Nolan Guidry, 

i love you and i hate you but i want nothing but the best of you. you were my first true love and i absolutely thank you for also being my first true heartbreak. you were my first heartbreak, my first great loss, my first true pain, but thank you. you broke me when i wasn’t ready to be broken, but that allowed for a new path of growth i had never experienced before, so thank you for that. i am no longer naive at love, i no longer where my heart on my sleeve, i am no longer that same girl you fell in love with, but i am content. you taught me how to love, you were my first kiss, and you made me feel whole. you taught me how to doubt, you gave me commitment issues, and you made me feel insufficient. but thank you. i grew, i thrived, i fell, i cried, but thank you. i now am able to love myself, as much as i loved you

to his future wife: his favorite color is blue, he absolutely loves big dogs, especially lucy and red bean, they’re my babies!, he wants two boys and one girl, and older boy first, and then a pair of twins, one boy and one girl, three years later, he absolutely loves twix, surprise him with them he’ll smile like a child, he can be insecure around other guys with you and overprotective, make him feel special and he’ll feel better, he loves baseball with his whole heart, go yankees, hes a little cheeky ;), and don’t ever let him feel worthless, he needs the encouragement. he will treat you with full love, spoil you, and maybe hurt you but i pray you treat him well. good luck and most love to you both.

now back to you nolan, i hope life brings you a family, life brings you so much love and attention i know you need, and most of all i hope it brings you happiness. tell hank, melissa, and hayden i said hello, especially hayden, and tell russell and crystal thank you for being so nice to me. have a bountiful life, live it well, and i hope its full of joy. 

love always,

kiddo

6.14.18 11:59 PM

me because I am depression 

10.22.17 9:20 pm

post 13 1/2 - i love you

so basically the night of hc he and i were texting about how much fun and how great of a time we had. he actually told me that he thought about kissing me like 10 times BUT HE DIDN’T omg bruh he was so scared to make a move he and i never actually kissed until about a month and and a week later and ya girl made the move. ladies or gents, learn from me and just do it if you think it’s the right timing. i mean he flat out said he wanted to kiss me BUT NEVER DID. *sigh* first kiss story to come later on and i was like aw omg and we just sent around like lovey dove bitmojis or whatever for a while. like it was just messing around and he i sent him a bitmoji that had a heart and it said te amp, or i love you in spanish. he then sent je taime with a heart for a bitmoji afterward which means i love you in french. i was teasing and i was like wow we’re flirting in different languages now? and he said yeah, should i say it in english. and i was like really and he said should i? i then texted in all caps “I DARE YOU” and he sent i love you in all caps and i was like “WOAH I LOVE YOU TOO” adrenaline rushes and just a good night. it was cute i swear.

08.20.17 12:22 am

post 13

okay so lucky 13. this is the part two to the hc post with ronny and lily. so right before hc, ronny and lily kinda had a fall out but they still went to hc together. there was tension all night but we all tried to look past it as it was the first hc that lily and i ever had. she dipper early because she was really having a bad time with everything so ronny and i stepped outside for about 45 minutes and i was talking to him trying to console him while noah actually thought ronny tried to swoop or whatever lol. brush okay so talking about swooping fast forward to april/may-ish 2017 he tried to swoop on ronny’s new girl kelsey. i was like fucking fuck boy yet here i am with him again. i’m literally so damn weak wtfffffffff anyways ronny and i were tryna talk about his situation with leah and he obviously still really liked her but she was just not interested. theres nothing wrong with that but he just did not get the hint. noah came out and joined us easing the intensity of the convo a little but hc soon came to an end. ronny and i were in asb so we had to stay after and clean, but noah decided to stay and help and stay with me which won some serious points with my mom and he met her that night and shit you not i almost peed myself when they met i was like omg she's gonna fucking take him out and drop kick his ass but didn’t happen. so basically that was my v first hs hc and i had a great time and i really fell for noah. he later told me that night that he loved me, it was a really funny story i’ll do a small half post on it but he and i started dating shortly after and if you were curious about ronny and lily, they ended things completely soon after as well. a shame.

08.20.17 12:16 am

all i’ve been doing is sulking while listening to the original of this song and the marshmello remix if I'm feeling a little risky lmao :(: 8.20.17 12:04 am

post 12

so i know that its kinda been a long time since i last wrote anything but sm happened. especially with noah. in the past month he’s popped back up into my life twice. actually, at the moment we are in round three of our pointless holding on. i want him but at the same time i really don’t, like he makes my heart hurt but i ache for the memories and good times we once had. that saying about how love is addicting and like a drug, good and bad for you or whatever, it’s true. at the moment we say love you and shit like that but it’s not and yet none of us would end anything. it’s not official but we’re here for each other. that’s why i hate about myself and him. we both know it is NOT gonna work yet we hang on and I hang on but i know he’s got other intentions, thoughts, people, and i keep telling myself he’s changed but i know he hasn’t. i let myself get hurt over and over and yet i still give him everything i have. i put myself back together, pick up my broken pieces, and give him the only thing that could break me just for him to do it over and over again. it hurts, it really does.

8.20.17 12:01 AM

post 11

okay after taking a pretty long break, i'm back with post 11. romantic 11:11 (every night at 11:11 i would always sc noah it was our thing. 11:11,12:12,1:11,2:22,3:33,4:44,5:55 all am) okay so we're back at hc. hc was a real eventful night tbh. so now that the preparty was over we headed over to hc. at hc the moment we stood in line, noah was w his friends and then brought me over and i kinda met them. anyways, i went in line and we went in. we immediately hit the dance floor and i was going ham. it was awkward at first but noah ended up going with his friends from baseball and moshed (typical guy dance, a bunch of sweaty guys jumping up and down) somehow lily and i ended up on the stage with the dj and noah saw me too and we made some pretty funny but sweet eye contact. later noah grabbed me and said he wanted a picture and i was like yeah alright. lily was still going ham dancing and noah and i were in line. every time i looked at noah he looked at me funny and when i asked what? he said oh nothing. i said no trust and he was like, trust. that was also our thing bleh. anyways we got up there for the picture and the first picture was ass, but the second picture was him with his arm around me and me hugging him and it was pretty cute. i still have it in my memory drawer. anyways, we waited in a tattoo line for like two hours of hc just talking bc he knew i love tattoos so he said we should get matching ones. never got them. but during this lily was having a horrible hc and ronny wasnt doing too well either. gonna have a pt two to this one. 7.2.17 11:36 pm

~(*~*)~ me grooving to some khaldad 7.2.17 11:28 pm

post 10 1/2

I'm tired tbh i’ll post more tmr cuz I'm home all day. tbh i had a rough and shitty year and I'm sick of it. especially today bc my mom made me quit my fav sport in the whole world, vball, clearly lol. my heart is broken and i feel like an outcast in my own home.

the two gifs below describe everything rn. the guy in red is my life clapping at how shitty its going, the outside hitter in the bottom gif is my mom and that poor girl, who just so happens to seems to be the setter, or at least in the setter spot, is me. go figure. (*_*)

6.22.17 11:32 pm

post 10

ooOoOooh the big double digits!

alrighty so let’s fast forward a couple days to hoco, about a week later from the becky g thing, not the description of the hc ask. so basically my mom and i ran out the night before hc to buy a dress and i wanted maroon because i told noah to wear all black with a cute little maroon bow tie, and i was like, omg, now i need maroon. so we found a real cute dress and i rlly like it actually, well at the time. looking back, it was just not flattering. anyways, the day of hc came. of course asb had to set up until like 11/12 ON THE DAY OF HC, SATURDAY OCT 14 (2016..duh) BTW. alright so lily was throwing a hc pre party at 6:30 and hc was at 8/830 i think. i was late, as per usual. i did everything myself, hair (AWFUL BTW AHAHA IT WAS SO BAD), makeup (BOMB AS FUCKKK), and nails (i mean alright i guess). i wore a cute ass lace flowy maroon dress, right above the knees, and a closed toe nude wedge isn heels with a strap around the ankles. i looked adorable for my v first hc. side note, I'm gonna fucking slay this year bc i’m getting my hair done and maybe nails while wearing a black body con??? uhhh can i get a FUCK YEAH BITCHES so noah was freaking and lily bc i was like five minutes late, omg lol okay. and ronny and noah were just talking bc they were friends and lily was just like, oh help. anyways, when i got there NOAH WASN’T WEARING ANYTHING HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO WEAR. i mean i don’t really care but give a girl a heads up bc man, i was like what the, why was i stressing then? he was wearing grey pants, a black button up and a maroon bow tie??? i mean it’s cool but whateva. the pics were super super bad apparently cuz the ones he sent me weren’t exactly the best but imig. the pre-party was awkward bc this was the first time noah and i had hung out irl, especially w ronny and lily. but nothing really crazy happened besides some pretty awkward hc pictures and our very first pic as a couple. i was leaning my head on noah when my friend heather sent a pic of us with a heart to me. it was my wallpaper for a VERY long time after that. so this was just the hc pre-party, trust me bb theres a lot more to come after this one.

6.22.17 11:27 pm

another good one about teen angst, khalid just gets me man (-_-*)

6.22.17 11:12 pm

post 9

alrighty man, it’s been a pretty rough couple weeks. got out of high school on the 15th with kinda a new mans, but this is a story for after noah.

anyways, noah and i had been dating for about three days now, and he had already asked me to hc. so...about hoco... noah showed up to one of my jv home games at my hs, and he was waiting in the stands with ronny, lily’s current mans, and they’re just sitting and watching our game. we whooped ass and noah had texted me saying, “hey when ur done come sit up in the bleachers w me and ronny.” at this time, my mom had no idea about noah, and my ass lucked out bc she wasn’t there at the game, but i was still super nervous so i begged my coach blazey to let me work the score board for the varsity game, and i did. basically noah and ronny were now sitting with lily and i actually had no idea that he was gonna ask me because noah had been going to my games for some time now. well, about two sets into the varsity game, lily came and sat down w me, mal, and blazey, and told me quietly, “don’t look, but he’s got roses and a baseball.” i was seriously like no fucking way, and then a couple of minutes later, i felt a tap on my shoulder and a baseball was given to me. the baseball said something like i know i might strike out but hc would be a home run with you. looking back this shit was awfully cheesy but damn i fell for it. noah didn’t say a single word to me, he just dropped it off and left. anyways, he is a baseball player, and i had even told him, hey dude idk shit about baseball, like what the fuck. and lily was like why didn’t he do your sport. idk man, puppy love see, i was fucking shook, but super happy and my mom was like, aw that’s so cute when i was expecting an ass-whooping, but instead she actually was like it’s cool, just go as friends. “friends...” so that was the hc story. he actually gave me flowers, red roses like i said were my fav, chocolate, a girl loves her kitkats, and a baseball, idk man no words :):

6.22.17 11:10 pm

he pissed me the fuck off but i fell for his persistence and his care. 

6.6.17 12:09 am

post 8

okeyyy so it may have been awhile since my last promised post, but hey I'm back lol. not my fault ya girl has been busy with hw and maintaining my gap. freshmen year is a little bit harder than i thought. i can imagine sophomore, junior, or senior alicen laughing at me rn but whatever. okay so back to where i left off with my story about noah.

so we first started officially dating october 8, 2016. this was our anniversary date that is stuck engraved in my brain. blegh. moving on lmao, anyways, it was like a week days before we started dating when we got into a disagreement and he ignored me until october 5th. i immediately was like what the fuck. why does this bitch feel like he can ignore me for the stupidest shit. he was mad because i told him that because of my strict parents, i can't date, and he told me that he wanted to wait for me. i was already like um...no. i want you to enjoy your junior year because i care for you and want you to have a really sweet girlfriend who can actually spend time with you and such. so he got frustrated because he kept thinking that i was pushing him away and he stopped talking to me for like three days, i was honestly like fuck you but because of who i am i was sad too. i personally was like, shit, i already fucked up my first potential hs relationship but i was like whatever. so about three or four days passed, and it was one of my jv volleyball games at santa ana hs. right before my game i dm’ed noah like hey dude, homecoming is in like a week. are we still going or not because i’m not wasting money on buying a ticket at the one day sale if we aren’t going together. i just said that to honestly make him respond faster because i had to go because of asb anyways. he was super chill like, “uh yeah why? obviously” my initial reaction was shit what the fuck, why do you think you can respond to me IN LIKE THREE MINUTES  when i’ve been trying to contact you for three days. I straight up told him i didn’t want to go out with him ever if he was just going to keep playing me like that and treating me like that. he promised to not do that ever again and 3 days later he and i sort of decided that was the day we really became official. i also pranked him so hard with lyric pranking which was like the big thing going around at the time so i got him with becky g’s singing in the shower, and soon was the day i got my real first boyfriend.

looking back, i regret being so weak and immediately crawling back into his arms the moment he reopened them but for some reason i craved his attention

6.6.17 12:04 am

teen angst pt 2 lmao. also some sick art and another groovy song i can dig (*~*)

6.5.17 11:52 pm

teen angst at its best, whoops. just a pretty groovy song i can dig.

6.5.17 11:50 pm

not a post

this is basically a timeline I just wanted to start early so i don’t forget when i wrote things. so basically i started my first five/six isn posts on 5.23.17 at like 1:30 am and i continued my seventh post that day later on at around 2:00 pm i believe and i added the picture of the world exploding on 5.24.17 at around 12:00 am