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How do I explain to that one person that their reactions to simple questions make me wary of ever bothering them ever again
Right, I just gotta move to the trash cans nearby
Probs will do me some good, eh
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I love how I went from "yeah, just lie to me" to "bitch, I don't care to gather evidence, you're lying"
I think it's a glow up
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A gunman in the Russian city of Kazan opened fire at a school early Tuesday, killing at least seven students, a teacher and a school worker, and injuring 21 others, Russian officials said.
The governor of Tatarstan, an oil-rich, Muslim-majority region where Kazan is the capital, said seven of the dead were eighth-grade students at Kazan’s School No. 175.
“We have lost seven children … four boys and three girls,” Rustam Minnikhanov told state TV, according to Reuters.
He said a 19-year-old “terrorist” who was “officially registered as a gun owner” had been arrested in the attack, according to Reuters. Minnikhanov said it wasn’t clear yet whether the gunman had accomplices or acted alone.
“We heard the sounds of explosions at the beginning of the second lesson. All the teachers locked the children in the classrooms. The shooting was on the third floor,” said one teacher quoted by Tatar Inform, a local media outlet.
The gunman was identified by Russian media, which said he was a former student and had announced his intention to carry out the attack on social media. In it, he reportedly referred to himself as “a god” and to his victims as “bio-waste.”
Russian media said some students were able to get out of the building, but others were trapped inside during the ordeal. Video released by Russian media showed students dressed in black and white running out of the building. State news agency RIA Novosti said at least two students died when they jumped from a third-floor window in an apparent bid to escape the gunman.
Another video showed thick smoke pouring out of windows and sounds resembling gunshots in the background, according to The Associated Press.
Kazan is located about 450 miles east of Moscow. Officials there said 21 people were hospitalized with wounds after the attack, including 18 children — six of them in intensive care — and three adults.
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Russia Protests: Info/Donations/Pls RB
I haven’t really seen a post about this, so please take the time to read this and educate yourself on what’s going on in Russia. (Note: I’m American, I do not mean this to speak over Russian voices, I just want to use my relatively sizable following to spread this information. Sources linked in relevant sections.)
What happened:
In August of last year, Alexei Navalny, a prominent anti-corruption activist and political opponent to Putin, was poisoned. He was taken to Germany to recuperate in Berlin. A few days ago, despite direct threats of immediate arrest, he returned to Moscow, where he was detained, to which he responded by urging for mass protests today, January 23rd.
What’s happening now:
These protests have hence been underway, already resulting in mass arrests, including Navalny’s wife.
This twitter thread does an excellent job detailing the issues highlighted by the people protesting, please take the time to read it. While the protests at hand are largely in response to Navalny, it’s important to understand what other kinds of corruption is being decried.
Donations:
Here is a site to donate to legal funds supporting the protesters and Navalny’s case (The site is in Russian, so you’ll need to translate it. Also donation amounts are in Rubles, $1=76₽ so USD goes a long, long way.)
Here are various news sites to read up on in more specific detail. I just wanted to give a TLDR version to at least spark awareness of what’s happening.
NPR
NYT
BBC
The Moscow Times
Please feel free to add on more relevant/important information if you have it, especially anywhere else to directly donate!
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I might as well just go and scream at the nearest wall since it'll be more productive than to try and talk some sense into people anyways
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Finally got better after a KILLER hangover I realised 2 things:
1. Under no circumstances should ibe left alone with my friend and copious amount of booze since we have no control whatsoever
2. I kinda hate my gf and now I'm hella conflicted
A way to star the year
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I swear to god, if I listen to Midnight by 5sos for another hour I'd wake up to a dozen texts from my gf asking why the fuck did I record myself crying on the floor while trying to explain how bad I want her to be there
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Thought about wearing kinda casual see through tee and jeans for the NY party but now I'm considering buying something over the top and sexual and just making people question if they even know me
I dress like a college student I am meaning huge hoodies for life, but I think that one day in a year I can afford to actually dress like a hoe for once
A lot of people paint me innocent and clueless, but guess what? At TS has eloquently put it, I only bought this dress for you to take it off
Hope I go through with this and see my gf absolutely stunned
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Lately I've discovered probably the darker side of me
I don't try to avoid confronting people and telling bitter truths because I don't want to hurt them
I avoid doing this because when started I won't stop until I will dump everything I've been holding in on you. The worst part is that I won't give a damn about how it feels.
My anger is silent. I might bitch about things and act mad when I have audience - purely form comic effect, but when I'm actually furious I don't boil. I freeze.
My anger is subtle. It's the meticulously chosen words, the perfect punctuation, the almost academic neutrality and speech devoid of emotions that gives it up.
I never raise my voice when truly mad. My voice gets low and deceptively calm. One might think I'm not angry at all.
Silent treatment though is my go to. Not that I have too much pride. I'm not above admitting my mistakes or plainly accepting the blame even though none is mine to save something bigger and infinitely more important than a stupid miscommunication.
But also I detest being the one to reach out. I'm disgusted to admit I take pleasure in leaving people hanging. I can very well disappear for days on end and stay like that. It might hurt but I will get over it. My hurt feelings mean nothing, apparently, since I allegedly have none.
Hear that? I heard a rumor I'm heartless. Very well. Heartless you will get.
I can take being called names. Call me dumb, call me lackluster, call me ugly, call me immature, call me careless call me egocentric, call me inadequate. Whatever. These are true anyway.
But say I'm numb, say I'm indifferent and those you'd get aplenty.
When called out like this I let myself loose. I'm trying to be good. I'm trying not to push people away. I'm trying to show that I care.
But if they only see the darkness, then what's the point to hide it at all?
You called for a monster I've been trying to suppress and it's here.
Now deal with it.
I didn't want it to be this, I did my best.
But as always, I'm just not enough
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a small Texture Tutorial
I’ve been asked a few times about how I use textures, especially gold textures, so I’ve decided to try and do a little tutorial about it. I’ve never really done a tutorial, but I hope it’s easy to understand, since it’s not difficult to apply :)
There are a hundred ways of doing the same thing, this is just one of those ways.
For other (BETTER) tutorials explaining more about textures and other ways to use them, I point you all towards the 3 tutorials that taught ME the basics!
TUTORIAL: how to use textures by agosbeatle
TUTORIAL: Applying texture by Shinerai
Texture tutorial by Tervola
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Somehow it feels like the older I get the dumber I become
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Somehow I've managed to a ath a coolest person ever as my girlfriend and now I'm silently screaming because I've never thought It'd be like this like what the hell
I grew up thinking I'd have a boyfriend I'd get married and live a simple respectable life as your typical girl next door but now I've jumped right into something beautiful yet scary
I'll have to keep it secret
I can't tell anyone because I live somewhere unsafe and if this comes to light I'd be disowned not only by half my friends but also my family
I can't share this beautiful thing or boast this gorgeous human that deserves to be show off as often as possible because they're just that wonderful
Shit
What am I going to do
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I've kinda admitted to my best friend I might've made out with a certain someone. And that I might be not as straight as I hoped I was.
It's not that I'm homophobic
It's more like I have no idea what to do when someone likes me and I feel like I have nothing to give. The person spoils me and I'm pissed i can't do the same even though they say it's ok.
I'm 21, dammit and all that time I thought i was just a late bloomer or whatever crap they tell you to make you feel better but them it turned out I'd rather engage in a semi secret fling with said person than to finally push the "appropriate" relationship that has been stagnant since 2018
The person isn't even my type. No one is, I don't believe in the importance of looks - how could hair color or skin complexion or eyes even be a major factor. Everyone is attractive in their own right, some people just wear it better.
Now with the cat out of the bag I feel both stupid for sharing because my friend got all condescending all o a sudden and I hate that but also it's easier to go for it when you know you interpret things right. The friend still could at least pretend to not be exasperated with me since I'm shit at believing in likelihood of being adored.
It's so easy to say go for it or you have nothing to lose when while true it's also scary. I'm ready for a possible heartbreak but I don't want to commit when I'm unsure whether or not I'm enough.
I'm eternally grateful for the person to accept me saying just as much. They know. They somewhat understand and don't make fun of me for being scared.
I love them. Maybe not as a partner for now, but as a friend. I know I won't lose them for good if it doesn't work out.
I'm still scared as hell, because I'm a mess and they deserve so much better. They deserve someone to bost them and to show them off proudly. Such a caring and loyal person with sharp wit, quick with a snarky remark and with a clever insight.
I don't deserve that king of people around me.
But I want them all the same
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Is it weird that I want to reboot my life?
Like, I want to delete all my current social media, change the phone number I've used for almost 10 years, cut all the people I know from my life maybe except two of my best friends.
For the first time in my life I feel ready to change cities, although it'd be stupid of me to move out of the capital. I want to move. I want to leave the old me behind.
I want to get away from the suffocating control from.mh mother, who doesn't care that I'm a rather responsible and reasonable person. I want to leave all the fake personas I've adopted overtime.
Change my hair - or maybe for once doing what I really want to and leaving it alone. Leave all my old clothes behind because my wardrobe is just a mishmash of all the stages of self evolution I want to forget or maybe because it hold too many items belonging to the fake me.
I want to be me. Unfiltered. Happy to just exist. To forget what social achievements nonsense I'm not keeping up with.
I want to start anew with a blank page to finally fill it with my true colors. To find people I don't have to pretend with. To do what I like and not care.
Is it too much to ask?
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I'm kind of I a weird place right now
I can't keep being productive anymore but can't let myself loose and chuck all my responsibilities out of the window
I would love to
It's just a weird state of mind where I'm itching just to do something, yet I simply can't bring myself to focus for one second
I feel like I'm out of my depth
Like I'm dumb and hopeless and just waste space and oxygen and whatever
I've been trying so hard to shut these feelings out yet they surface back and hit me the harder the more effort I put in drowning them
Nothing I do to cope is healthy
I can't put into words an ounce of the crippling feeling of numbness
Guess you can't describe a void since there isn't much to describe
I'm trying to talk to my friend about it but words just don't come out right. I choke on my own secrets I want to spill so much yet I have too much restraint to do so
I'm tired of keeping what bothers me secret yet I'm terrified of ever coming clean for I believe the closest person I have to a sister just wouldn't understand and walk away
She has every right, my issues aren't justified and I don't want to burden her and it's just nasty and disgraceful
Yet I want to do it because it would be fair for her to know with what kind of person she's dealing with
I'm a mess and its it's embarrassing and disgusting
I wouldn't want myself
Why would anyone else
#why#why am i like this#send help#i wrote this instead of sleeping#quarantine#i feel like shit#shit hits hard
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At this point in my life all I want to do is to be reckless.
Where I live many start settling down at 21. They start thinking jobs and long term relationships and all the responsibility. I know a few who had their first or even second child.
Now I can't say I don't have responsibilities to think of. I do. But also I feel like I've missed on the recklessness of youth with how my family is although I'm grateful for them shielding me from making mistakes I'm also sad that many times my silly insecurities were to blame for what I now consider missed opportunities.
It is now when I'm 21 with less experience than most teenagers and a while lot of serious shit to deal with when I want to run havoc, be irresponsible and not give a single shit about any consequences.
I want to be young and thoughtless, to make mistakes and be out there without shying away. I could be so much more, I could feel so much more.
Maybe if I stop thinking so much I will be able to reclaim my youth, to fall in love, to go all the way through this romanticized denial of risks for a drop of freedom I've been yearning for.
Maybe
But as of now
I'm still in my shell
Waiting
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