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Mykell Pledger
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âTo My Mother Who Calls Me Selfishâ
In case I have not made it clear enough,
I do not care which Auntyâs daughter got married at 23,
Adorned in heavy gold jewellery, hands printed in Mehndhi, draped in red like the rage underneath, carrying the weight of her familyâs dreams - i donât know how many times I can explain that that is the exact opposite of what I want to be.
I do not care about my skin darkening in the sun, i will not stay inside, when Iâm constantly told to hide from every ray of light
i will not scrub the brownness from my body, Lathering myself in fair and lovely, whilst being criticised for my Vitamin D deficiency.
I do not care if you think I dress too plainly, if I should wear my hair differently, if my clothes should be daintier, if I am too short without heels, if I should tighten my waist band or if my ass looks too big in those pants.
I do not care if you think that I am too quiet or too loud, that I speak too much or too little, if Iâm too competitive or too used to playing second fiddle, If you think I should try harder or if you think I should tone it down- it doesnât matter, youâll always find something to be unhappy about.
I do not care that you disapprove of my choices, of my ambition, of my âgreedâ and âungratefulnessâ and âselfishnessâ
I have grown passed those years of being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated - I have grown passed the years of people pleasing, apologising, being trained to always feel guilty, the word âsorryâ my mantra - always on the edge of my tongue, waiting to be released.
If wanting a life of my own is selfish, I will wear that label on my chest like a badge of honour, like a medallion, because I promise you, I would rather be âselfishâ any day than have a life that is anything like yours.
I would much rather be âgreedyâ than helpless, performing unpaid labour day in and day out, tabling my talents and desires for the success of others, and smiling whilst I get nothing in return, smiling whilst I am stuck and stifled by a lack of independence, smiling always - in the name of being âgrateful.â
Well I would much rather be âungratefulâ than settling for abuse.
I will not live a life of meagre pennies, of scraps of affection, of suppressed emotion, of abandoned dreams, of dutiful subservience.
I am not an emotional sponge or a therapist, I am not a maid or a cook or a human incubator or a fleshlight or a babysitter. You play so many parts all at once, youâv perfected the art of role playing -fragmenting your identity till you are left hollow. Iâm sorry, mother, but I refuse to abide by the same fucked up rules you had to follow.
Like so many women we know, Iâve watched you try so hard to fit the mould, so loyal to it, dedicating your life, only to learn that the mould will never save you. All the reward that you were promised for your suffering and sacrifice never comes, and by the time you are able to recognise that it was all an elaborate lie, you have already raised daughters who do not expect to thrive.
So you double down, ignoring the cognitive dissonance in your mind, resenting your daughters for having the audacity to demand more than you ever could, abandoning the age old paths on which their ancestors stood. I know this now, and I know that your disapproval and scorn is really only jealousy.
And each time I look at you, a woman so full of love and warmth yet so worn down by life,
so strong and promising yet so wasted by circumstance, I am reminded why I should be uncompromising.
I am reminded that I need to advocate for myself.
So I will do that. I will celebrate who I am if no one else will. I will not stay stagnant, I will not stay still -
I will be as unyielding as the fathers I have watched growing up,
I will be as entitled as the brothers treating the household like their personal playground
I will be as shameless as every male relative able to get away with abuse
I will demand as much from life as every man I have ever seen
So that I can be everything you could have and should have been.
But in case I have not made it clear enough,
I do not care if you think that that is âgreedâ.
I do not care if âselfishâ is what you think of me.
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mother, mother
1. & 3. unknown 2. succession S3E8 4. writer in the dark, lorde 5. 'to the detriment of daughters' kelsey lansgaard 6. susan sontag 7. joan tierney 8. sharp objects (dir. jean-marc vallée) 9. 'sylvia plath taught me how to disappear' hannah green 10. 'please look after mom' kyung sook shin 11. 'mother and daughter' bobbie russon 12. geloy concepcion 13. mother's daughter, miley cyrus 14. cristin gomez 15. sharp objects 16. 'poplar street' chen chen 17. a letter to my younger self, ambar lucid 18. all hail me, veruca salt 19. 'turtles all the way down' john green 20. dorie van stone 21. my mother wants me dead, carolesdaughter 22. hel717 23. sharp objects, gillian flynn
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Like Me
For I am my mother's daughter, I sit and I stare wondering. You look at me, I can see it in your eyes. Do you even like me? I want you to like me.
For you are your mother's daughter, Does the cycle keep spinning? A glance, a look, a passing feeling. Did you ever wonder, Do you even like me? I want you to like me.
For we are our mother's daughters, A cycle that keeps spinning. A cycle that keeps repeating. Do you ever wonder, Why? Why does she hate me? Why does she love me?
Why can't she just like me? But, I am just my mother's daughter.
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aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire sĂĄenz // father and son dancing by brian kershisnik // the pain scale by eula biss // the last of us part II // folding a five-cornered star so the corners meet by li-young lee // x //Â funeral by phoebe bridgers // trista mateerÂ
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Eldest daughter, no appreciation
There are enough posts abt Eldest daughters who received "compliments" like You are so mature, You handle things well....but what about the forgotten shadows of the daughters who heard every criticism, down grading words, all the abuse while still doing it all.
These days everyday i realise how big is the gap between how my younger brother and I process things.
When it rains fear fills me that clothes may be outside on the other hand he isn't affected.
he will hear mom giving work to do shouting commands, I am shivering on the verge of breakdown while he ignores her. Even if i try to rebel by also doing the same, I can't.
Being told im worthless, not being allowed to ask for help, never appreciated and still expected to do everything even thought it is all picked at, knowing i will never have my own life or control of it. If there exists a god, give me a better story and life for once. I don't want to be your strongest soldier. It's hard seeing how ppl around me have so many loving and looking out for them.
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âlook after momâ no. iâve already done that. iâve done that my whole life. isnât being told that i raised her as much as she raised me enough? isnât playing therapist for her because she refuses to seek professional help enough? havenât i already done enough? iâve raised my siblings, iâve raised my parents, iâve raised them all. cant i rest? why must i look after her, even still?
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My mother fed me death on a silver spoon every day,
And made sure I was aware that the spoon was made of silver,
Oh Mother, had I been aware of the taste of death,
Would I still love you for giving me the silver spoon?
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having 'mommy issues' with a present mom is so weird because like.
i love the idea of having a mom. we never get along. i fucked up because you hurt me. stop being my mom, please. i don't want to hate you. i don't think i hate you. i love you. i'm glad you're alive. leave me alone. i hate you. i'm sorry i messed up. you deserve better than me. i want a better mom. i don't deserve a better mom. i know it isn't your fault. you're just as hurt as i am. please stop. i can't be in the same room as you. i'm glad you're there. it's not the same. i want to leave. this is home. the chaos feelings like home. i want a mom. i'm sorry i tried standing up for myself. you were right. please change your ways. be kinder to me. i should be nicer to you. stop this. don't. please leave. don't go. i want a mom. i'm glad you're here. i wish you were present in my life more. don't get in my life now. i don't need you. i can't do this without you. i'm sorry. please forgive me. i did nothing wrong. it's not your fault either. i want to escape this. i don't want to leave. i'm tied to this burning tree. you lit it on fire. but you've been tied before me.
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The difference in elder and younger daughter mindset!
which I realised just 5 minutes ago...
It started raining suddenly and here's how it went.
Me (the elder daughter) : Oh ! It's raining. There's clothes outside.
Goes and starts removing the clothes that were put for drying.
My sister (the younger daughter) : Oh! It's raining. How nice.
Goes and takes pretty pictures on her phone.
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Are you a âi should make it clear to anyone that it took me a lot of effort to achieve this, so that if i canât get praise iâll still get sympathyâ eldest daughter or a âi donât celebrate any of my achievements because thatâs just how life works, so i am pretty indifferent to everyone elseâs tooâ eldest daughter
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why does nobody ever believe me when i say that i fucked up?
the thing is. that i know what the problem is. grew up as the eldest daughter, the smart child, the mature child. read books as a way of escapism and got branded as the perfect, quiet, non-problematic, holds-the-family's-expectations child. grew a fear of failure so big that it's suffocating me all the time.
so people never saw me fail. i've fucked up more times than i can count and more times than i care to count. but people never saw.
because i'm so terrified of failure that at the last second i pulled myself together, i lied, i was the best actor and diplomat you have ever seen, i didn't sleep to make the deadline, i crammed until my head hurt and i couldn't see the pages through my tears and i made it.
every single time. i made it.
but i also told people that i fucked up. because i can't deal with emotions (never learned how to) so i whine to people while i procrastinate and fuck up and they start expecting the worst and then.
the last moment comes.
i fake it and i make it and they laugh at my worry and say "you always panic over nothing. never seen you fail, you never will."
and i just shrug and laugh and make a joke about it because if i'm in on it then it doesn't hurt as much. right?
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no sorry, i can't hang out. i have to sit in my room and rethink my entire life to see where it went wrong
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The eldest daughter urge to "move away from home and cut off her family"
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Eldest Daughter Gothic
Your youngest sibling is in tears. You do not know why. Is it your fault?Â
You are doing the dishes. You are always doing the dishes. You never finish.Â
She loves you. She hates you. Youâre her favorite. She only cares about your siblings. She never wanted to be a mother. She loves you.
You have a headache. Again. You are starting to forget what it feels like not to have a headache.
Everything is too much. You are going to shatter. But you cannot.Â
If you give out, so will everything else
She is angry, ranting about something you said. You do not remember the last time you spoke. She is still angry.
Your younger sibling is ten years old. No, that can't be right. You are ten years old. They must still be an infant. But theyâre graduating fifth grade now, and you realize that you are in high school. You did not notice the change.
She keeps yelling. You wonder if she is yelling at herself.
Youâve heard that 3am is meant to be unnerving. For you, it has only ever meant the comfort of being the last one left awake. Is there something wrong with you?
This is all you have ever known, so why does it feel so wrong?
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