Still, you're bleeding. Want me to go get Molls?

Did you see any faces?

Nothing I can’t handle. 

Just a few punches after a bedazzling hex. Cowards down by the dungeons. 

It's... pretty bad. The yellow makes my hair look ridiculous. Clarice kept laughing whenever Mum left the room and I had to shush her repeatedly.

Snazzy, huh? Well, it could be worse. Batman's one of my favorites.

Alright, I'll admit it.

Hey, it’s not that bad. 

Mum got me a Batman shirt. Said she seen some Muggles wearing one, thought it would look ‘snazzy’ on me. 

Whatever, Bean. All I know is that Bellatrix Black has nearly lynched me twice this year.

There's nothing going on in my life, I swear! No girls- no boys, before you try to publish that- no parties, nothing but homework and friends and my mum writing me too much. What about you, hmm?

The night is young...

I’m an investigator first, friendly ear second, and I always take my chance when I see it. 

And families share things with each other, so I suppose if you’ve been holding out on me, now’s the time to come clean. Pinky swear? Isn’t my word good enough? And thanks for the offer, but no Firewhiskey for me, can’t stand the stuff.

Why, yes, it seems as though I did. Was my observation wrong?

Maybe not to you, but you get to see it every day in the mirror. The rest of us aren't so lucky. Hopefully, we'll never find out which one of us is right.

Did you really just call me ‘m’lady’?

I’m fairly certain not even my smile is worth Azkaban. 

Uh... nothing, I suppose, I just came here for a smoke, but I see it's occupied.

...You alright?

What do you want?

Fuck. You alright, mate?

What happened to you?

[Edgar checked around his mouth with his tongue, feeling a loose tooth before he spat out some blood on the grounds.]

Well.

That was interesting. 

You going overboard just means there's more for me to enjoy.

Merry Christmas, Molls. Is that a pie I see?

Christmas Treats!

I…may have gone a tad overboard with the holiday baking.

I’m blaming Lily, though, she asked for it. Someone come help me eat all this!

Alright, I'll admit it.

Maybe it's not the best Christmas gift ever, but... Mum tried, alright? I kind of have to wear it.

What face? I didn't make a face.

God knows I'm not exactly innocent when it comes to bad jokes, so I can't really talk. As far as they go, that's a pretty good one.

How d'you tell a dogwood tree from a redwood?

Wha- what’s that face for? It was a good one!

Why didn't you say something? You know I have plenty of whiskey reserved especially for these situations. But I get it... I'm here for you if you need it, mate.

Dad and me are fighting. I’m up to two letters a day at post from him telling me off, and one from mum telling me how bad off he’s starting to look. Isn’t sleeping, is tired all the time. 

It’s getting to me. 

Fine, fine! Jesus.

At least tell me what the rumor is, first.

I like you well enough, Tonks. So you should probably tell me all about it before I draw my own conclusions. Those usually make you angryç

Your wish is my command, m'lady.

Well, if it'd make you smile, maybe Azkaban wouldn't be so bad.

Very good. 

How kind of you Ted Tonks.

That’ll make you my accomplice, you realize? 

Last time we had a chat, Skeeter published an article immediately after about a torrid affair between me and some Slytherin.

But house is family. You're welcome to some Firewhiskey, if you'd like, so long as you pinky swear not to spread rumors about me this time.

The night is young...

and boring.

Anyone up for a chat? I promise, off the record this time.

How d'you tell a dogwood tree from a redwood?

Its bark.

It's universal. Wizards, muggles, Brits, Russians- probably aliens, too. Technically, we've done you a favor by getting hurt so often, because you really are great now. I don't care why, all I know is that I get ice cream and it's always Strawberry, which is my favorite.

Yep, it’s engraved on a plaque behind the Minister for Magic’s desk. Flattery, flattery. I’m only a good healer because you and the twins have made it necessary for me to practice. And I only give you ice cream to stop your whinging over the tiniest scrapes and bruises.

And I respect you for that, I really do. That kind of persistence takes talent. I'm just showing you the ropes of muggle things, that's all. Well, if she thinks I'm funny and she takes after you, where does that leave us? He leans back and crosses his arms, a smirk on his face. Thanks, I just thought of it on the spot. I think that one'll stick, though. I have to spread the word. Well, he's awful to all of your friends, and of course he's nice to you. He still wants to date you- and he knows it'll piss the rest of us off. I don't mean you actually should date Reg; you'd chew him up and spit him out within the week. Just... someone who's bearable.

I’ll expand my mind so! Do you think it’s easy finding new ways to insult my parents and generally make them miserable every single week for the last sixteen years? I’ll have you know that I’m very creative but I like the Muggle references nonetheless. Of course she does. She’s pretty, clever and blonde…ish. What’s there to not like? Oh, your little sister laughs at your jokes. Yeah, that makes you hilarious. She reaches pinches his right cheek. Caradick? She starts giggling despise herself. That’s a new one. And a creative one, I’ll give you that. He’s always been nice to me, Ted. Except maybe the last few weeks of fifth year but I’ll remind you that I was way worse. I would rather switch my life with Boobage than to date with Reginald, but thanks for the suggestion.