Feeling Good

I have overcome so much in my life; physical/mental/emotional abuse from my father, sexual abuse from a great uncle, my parents drug addictions and alcoholism as well as my own. I beat the odds though. I graduated high school, I started a family, graduated college and started a career.....so yeah I feel pretty good about my life.

I forgive

I forgive you for all the sorrys you never said. I forgive you for all the pain you put me through. I forgive you for the judgements, the names, the heartbreak and the games. I forgive you for the things you couldn't say, the things you were afraid to do. I forgive you for holding me back, pushing me to far, and knocking me off track. I forgive you for being me, because I know how hard it was to utter that one word, "sorry." I forgive you.

Through Darkness

That flying fist came out at me, through the darkness I couldn't see. You said you loved me and it was fine. Through the darkness I would lay. I asked for light, I asked for day in the darkness I couldn't stay. The hate you spew, the filth you leak makes up the darkness where I can't speak. It's scary and dim, through the darkness I will win. I will claw I will fight, through the darkness with my might.

It's been a while...

I haven't been on here in I don't know how long but I do know it's been long enough for many things to have changed. My anxiety and depression are no longer a dominant in my life. There's still something I struggle with but I am more in control than I've ever been. I am learning how to better cope with my fibromyalgia flares some days are better than others and that's kind of a dictation to the rest of my life. I don't want to pursue any type of medications for treatment because reading the reviews and the side effects and just the overall idea of it doesn't sit well with me. After everything I've been through in my lifetime being dependent on anything for me doesn't feel like an option. I watched my parents be co-dependent on each other, be dependent on alcohol and drugs. I saw them struggle and I experienced the suffering pain. I myself have in the past struggled with addiction and codependency. One day I woke up and I decided I'm not going to be that person I'm not going to be the one who is doing a shady back alley deal to get their fix, I'm not going to be the crazy bag lady who needs some more alcohol to get through the day. I made a promise to myself and to my children that I was going to rise above the statistics, the addictions, the codependency. So far I've kept my promise. I'm happily married, I have three beautiful children and now I can honestly say I'm a college graduate. My husband and I have gotten a lot better at communication and parenting. Now we're just working on our financial planning and getting ourselves to a more comfortable place in life. I'm thinking about starting a vlog about my life and my experiences. It may or may not be a success and I may end up stopping Midway through but I think it's definitely something I want to try so I'm going to research it some more and possibly start posting soon.

Hello! I hope this isn't out of line... I saw your post about rehoming a dog. I have a 16 month old pit that I've had for 15 months, and an old cat. I cannot message you so I had to send an ask. I'm located In MA? Maybe you're close. Please message me if you'd like to continue this conversation! Thank you.

Thank you for your interest but I worked it out with my husband and we will be keeping my pup. I also live in WA, so that would have been a bit difficult. :-)

Anxiety

I think anxiety is literally the most difficult thing that I deal with on a daily basis. I can handle my fibromyalgia, my tantrum throwing children, and my indifferent husband, but of all the things on my plate my anxiety is what bests me. I haven’t had this bad of an episode for such a long time. I am stressed and worried and I have no one to confide in. I know what my friends and family will say, many things I have heard before. I don’t dare tell my husband as I said he’s indifferent. I am lost and alone at this point. I think that’s what makes it worse that I am alone in this battle. I really thought that I could shrug it off as I have many times before but this time it’s just gnawing at my insides slowly crushing my every motivation and ambition in my life. At this point I want to crawl into a hole with all my happy fantasy worlds and be left to rot. I don’t know how to do this, any of it. Being an adult, a mom, a wife, a sister.....it takes so much and all I have done is give and give. The one time in my life that I am selfish and choose to stay in school, risking my comfortable lifestyle for troubled waters, I am shunned, disgusting, disappointing. 

I just wish I had one person on this earth that I could talk to and they would just listen and not judge or comment, as cliché as it is, I just want a hug and for someone to tell me it will be ok. The only person in this world that I had that could do that for me has been gone almost 7 years now. I miss my mother every minute of every hour of every day. Sometimes, every once in a while I wish I had been there too. I may have died or be a vegetable, or maybe if I had been there I would have never lost her. I wonder what my life would’ve been had she lived.

I feel like a beaten dog with no one to save me.

Alone

I have never felt more alone and betrayed than I do today. It’s one thing to feign support for me for the things I wish to achieve, but it is a complete other to resent me for something you encouraged me to do in the first place. When I was working more than full time while going to school that wasn’t good enough because I never slept and was always stressed. Now that I work part time, sleep more, and dedicate much needed time to my schooling it’s not good enough because I am not bringing in enough money. This is the most evident case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t and the cherry on this forsaken sundae is that you don’t even give two shits. I hate that I allow you to make me feel this way. I hate that no matter how hard I try it’s never good enough, but when you make the most miniscule effort for anything you want me to give you an attaboy.....wow. How did I let things get like this. Before you I was a strong independent woman who could take care of herself and child and now I am a sad excuse of the shell of the woman I once was. I don’t know what to do than to continue to dedicate myself to school, finish what I started with flying colors and maybe then you’ll see I wasn’t the waste of time you thought me to be, but then again why do I strive for the approval of someone who thinks that an eight hour day entitles them to do absolutely nothing besides play video games and eat. I have certainly fallen far from where I once thought I was. Maybe I will find the courage to do what needs to be done in the coming months.....

Struggling

Got a dog bout a month ago. I am the only one that truly takes care of him, plays with him, or loves him. Because of this I am now looking to rehome him as it’s difficult to start a career, take care of my family, and work in between all this. What my husband fails to understand in all of this is if we can’t work together to take care of a puppy how in the hell does he expect to have a third child. A part of me does want another child, however the feeling is beginning to fade as I am slowly but surely losing my faith in the ability to constantly be super mom, super sister, and mediocre wife. I feel that I have been failing at everything for a while. I am consistently failing my own goals and aspirations. I don’t know why I thought it would be even the remotest of a good idea to get a dog. I am so upset and I can’t even show it. As the days wear on the more I lose my ability to have an emotional connection or expression with anyone lately. I am starting to become numb to even my children. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just feel like cutting my emotions out completely. I mean it works so well for many others, I am sure I can spin it. Essentially I feel lost and discouraged and I don’t know how to even begin finding my way back......God only gives us what we can handle.....right?!

6 years

I thought that as the years passed that my mother’s death and absence wouldn’t bother me as much, but with each year gone the pain and sadness only gets worse. I watch my children laugh and play and it kills me knowing that they have to miss out on one of the most amazing people to have ever blessed my life. I know a lot of people think their mother is the best thing to happen to the world, but my mother truly was. She touched so many lives and influenced so many people. I believe my mother knew how special she was but she was very humble about it. 

    My mother went through so many struggles in her short life, but she never let it dim her light. Even after her death I feel like her star still shines bright through my kids’ smiles, laughter, their hugs and kisses, this is one thing that does dull the pain a little. It makes me crazy though, the sadness, the anger, the feeling as if something is missing in my life. I go through little meltdowns from it. 

       Yesterday was the worst meltdown I had in a while. I took it out on everyone around me. I was screaming and stomping and even though I knew that my behavior was unacceptable I couldn’t control myself. I have tried forgiving the person who took my mother away but every time my children do something that makes me proud or when they meet new milestones in their lives all I can do is think, “why couldn’t my mother be here to see this.” I feel so robbed. `I am hoping today is better and the days to follow. I know Christmas is going to be hard but I am going to put on my best face and try and enjoy it.

The longest marriage on record ended this year - WTF fun fact

No support

I was under this illusion that I was doing so well in my life, but recently I have realized I may just be lieing to myself. I keep trying to make everyone happy my boss, coworkers, children, husband, in-laws, the list goes on. No matter how hard I work, how much I try not to complain, I keep getting the short end of the stick. My depression has fully engulfed me. I feel like I am at a breaking point. My husband and I just went 2 weeks with hardly a word to each other. We ended up having a huge argument that ending in me having an emotional breakdown because I have no support system. My mother died 6 years ago, she was my rock, my father lives out of state as well as my older my brother, one of my other brothers won't talk to me because I refuse to support his drug addicted lifestyle and my younger brother is finally getting his life on track so I dont want to burden him. My husband flat out told me he hates that I am going to school and doesn't support my choice. I am so lost and feel so alone. I thought having a family would feel the emptiness inside me but the more I try the bigger the emptiness gets. I know at this point I am just rambling but the only way I can get this off my mind is here. Where no one will read it, comment about it, or even acknowledge its existence. So why write it? Because I can't contain it anymore. I want to be happy, truly I do. I just feel like a complete disappointment to those around me. Many tell me my mother would be proud. Why because you see my "happy" family photos on facebook. Thanks for the thought but really that was just a flickering moment where I was somehow able to smile. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and children but if he doesn't support me and they don't understand then what is all this sacrifice and exhausting ambition for. A part of it I know is for me to prove I can finish what I started and finish well. But the reasons I began this journey don't know or don't care. Why dont I give up? Because apparently I still have something to prove to myself. I am going to keep trying and pray I can keep it together. Sadly one of the things that keeps me going is a damned tv show. Supernatural is my favorite show and no matter how depressed I get I can't imagine hurting myself anymore. Sadly it wasn't my family that gave me the will to keep going, to keep fighting, it was Jared Padalecki. We will most likely never cross paths but when I see him talk about AKF sometimes it feels like he is talking directly to me. No matter the obstacles or hard it gets, I will always keep fighting. Thank you Jared.

Seriously!

#Congratulations, Success, Truestory

Not me :-(

Everyone's Mother

I am a middle child. My older brother is 27 and my younger brother is 21. Our mother was killed in 2011 and since she died I feel responsible for my brothers. One is a drug addict/alcoholic with horrible anger issues and the other one is a manic depressive woth possible bi-polar disorder. I want so badly to help them, but I also have my own children. The thing that kills me the most is neither one of them realizes how much stress, worry, and anxiety that I put myself through over them. I have lost 15 lbs. this month because its making me physically ill. My children may be young but they know mommy isn't doing her best right now. My brothers troubles are stealing the energy that I should be putting into my children. My husband is trying so hard to be understanding and to help me through this. I just dont know what to do or how to handle the situation. I was an addict once but I broke free, quit cold turkey, got my life on track. One of my biggest fears is losing them to their issues and I don't think my heart can handle that. I almost lost myself when my mother died. If it wasn't for my son I dont think I would even be writing this right now. I feel that its my job to save them. I feel so alone in this even though I have friends that are trying to be supportive. Maybe I need to let them figure out theor lives, I am just afraid they won't or it will take them a long time. I just needed to get this out.