I think this also ties in with what a swiftie once said that I really sympathized with.

She said that no one talks about the guilt that comes from being someone's midnight rain when you were capable of being their daylight.

Like is this a universal girl coming-of-age experience??!!!

I was listening to "But daddy I love him" the 100th time wondering why am I so immersed in it.

And it just hit me...

Like the last time I had semblance of love for someone it was someone for who I would have had to sacrifice my ability to work in my field I fought so hard to get into. Like it was/is my life line.

And the fact that the main reason I was having a breakdown when I came across him was because I had seemingly lost my ability to work in that field forever. So, I thought that it's okay if I can't work in my field, since I can find something else to support myself. If I am with him then it's worth it.

Like he was a replacement dream and goal. In hindsight I was being unfair to him and myself.

But, I suppose past me wanted to be a martyr and walked away from it all because I was being too much and didn't want my pain to hurt him.

I am just glad it all worked out. I gave up on him but years later today I AM working again. Even if I am starting from zero.

I was listening to "But daddy I love him" the 100th time wondering why am I so immersed in it.

And it just hit me...

Like the last time I had semblance of love for someone it was someone for who I would have had to sacrifice my ability to work in my field I fought so hard to get into. Like it was/is my life line.

And the fact that the main reason I was having a breakdown when I came across him was because I had seemingly lost my ability to work in that field forever. So, I thought that it's okay if I can't work in my field, since I can find something else to support myself. If I am with him then it's worth it.

Like he was a replacement dream and goal. In hindsight I was being unfair to him and myself.

But, I suppose past me wanted to be a martyr and walked away from it all because I was being too much and didn't want my pain to hurt him.

I am just glad it all worked out. I gave up on him but years later today I AM working again. Even if I am starting from zero.

Can't believe this. I cried for like an hour when I first listened to lover and now I have been crying since yesterday listening to TTPD.

But, the difference is....

With Lover I cried like that because I never been able to love someone like that.

And with TTPD, it's like I wish I could actually have a relationship that's real.

I don't know if I am explaining it right but with Lover it's all about me being in love. It's singular or one-sided. It's like I am singing alone wishing the other will sing it with me. But, they never do. It's like I am fantasizing.

But as I go through TTPD there are moments where it's easy to see two, a unit. That it's actually happening and I am watching wondering if I will ever be capable of something like that. Being in love, being part of someone's life just as much as they are part of mine.

Does that make sense?

Exactly how I am feeling after listening to TTPD and realising I relate to a big chunk of the album if not the whole.

And if people get nightmares from me screaming who's afraid of little old me in my room... I apologise.

I would absolutely go for the ring. No hesitation.

Since so many of you asked, Department-issued uniforms and matching accessories are available now at store.taylorswift.com while supplies last. 🤍

(While you’re waiting for your new outfits to arrive, any tortured and/or poetic attire is permitted at tonight’s board meeting.)

I don't know. I feel like this is how we are likelier to be. 🥴

Swifties in 3 hours:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

At this hearing, I stand before my fellow members of The Tortured Poets Department with a summary of my findings. 

Album tonight. 

Fortnight music video tomorrow at 8pm et.

https://taylor.lnk.to/thetorturedpoetsdepartment

From the desk of THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT intern, the TTPD Board Meeting agenda. 📜🤍

See you tonight.

I just really want the first album I buy with my own money to be one of Taylor's. (Specifically the Black dog) 🥺

PEOPLE! IMPORTANT QUESTION!!!

So, if I wanted to get a TTPD album here in India, what kind of customs, taxes, duties, etc would I need to pay?

Like do others of you who buy the albums here, how has your experience been? In the past I have heard instances of people paying double the actual album prices for international albums. So, I really need to know. This is the first time I am buying something offshore.

(I really can't afford to deal with hefty dues and fees)

PEOPLE! IMPORTANT QUESTION!!!

So, if I wanted to get a TTPD album here in India, what kind of customs, taxes, duties, etc would I need to pay?

Like do others of you who buy the albums here, how has your experience been? In the past I have heard instances of people paying double the actual album prices for international albums. So, I really need to know. This is the first time I am buying something offshore.

(I really can't afford to deal with hefty dues and fees)

Going through the 5 stages of grief playlists and it looks like this time I just might get over the person I was so in love attached to once and for all.

I can't wait for TTPD. I feel like it's going to be cataclysmic for all the stale feelings that have been festering for so long.

Thinking of how these were the songs I used to listen to when I was in the stage of grief where my feelings for a past person were still strong enough that I just couldn't be with anyone else bcoz it always felt like I am doing something wrong by trying to move on. That things will fall into place again and that I would be like maybe I got it wrong maybe someday I'll run into him and he'll tell me I got it wrong. That I misunderstood him and he does love me as well, that always did. That it would be me asking him to forgive me for being blind to his love for me.

But, no. That's all wishful thinking. I know better now.

Songs Taylor Swift included on her 'I Love You, It's Ruining My Life' playlist as denial songs from a breakup:

Lavender Haze Snow On The Beach Sweet Nothing Glitch betty willow Cruel Sumer Lover Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince False God Style Wildest Dreams Treacherous Untouchable That's When Ours Superman Bejeweled

TS TTPD official memorandum: Our Chairman’s manuscript will be released in just 13 days. Tortured poets, please make any necessary preparations and pre-order now.🤍📖

🥺🥺🥺🥺

Crazy how lyrics written a decade ago, a tour celebrating 18 years of music, a bop released over 4 years ago, and the fan army that’s been there all along are all nominated for iHeart Awards this year. 🤯

Today is your LAST DAY to vote for them at bit.ly/iheartvoting4taylor. 🗳️ Plus it’s DOUBLE DAY so you can vote ✌️ times as much!

📷: John Shearer/Getty Images for TAS

I don't know if it's the photo but it looks like there's a Halo around her. 🥺🥺

I can still make the whole place shimmer...

🚨 | UK Swifties can now pre-order 'THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT' on any format from the UK store to be in with an opportunity of winning 2 tickets to Taylor Swift's The Eras Tour!

you can enter HERE