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thatshighlyoffensive · 6 years

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THAT’S HIGHLY OFFENSIVE: THE SAG AWARDS 2018

So much pink! So many sparkles! it was actually pretty hard for me to be offended by this year’s SAG awards, but don’t worry- there were plenty of people who wanted to make it easy on me... Let the skewering begin!

Danielle Brooks- I think if her hair had been left wild and naturally beautiful, this would have been my favorite look of the night. Her dress is amazing! She looks like a badass, villainous ruby slipper! Or the glam version of the villain in Never-ending Story part 2. I love alllllll of it.

Chrissy Metz- i know it’s not gonna be cool for me to say this, but… let’s kill her off This Is Us so she’s free to star in my new Lifetime Fiction Made for TV Movie, “Violet Beauregarde: After the Gum, Before the Juicing.”

Giuliana Rancid- First things first: She looks like the child of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Jay Gatsby and the blonde vulture from the cartoon “Jungle Book.” I’m gonna be honest- I’m having a hard time coming up with new or interesting ways to call her an ungodly shade of orange or the Queen of the Antz. Because while she will always remain those things, she’s constantly finding new ways to offend me and the rest of America by being the most obtuse yet anorexic hymenoptera on the red carpet.

Abbie Cornish- Modeling the newest addition to the Elle Fanning & American Girl collaboration with Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Allison Williams: Some college sophomore who became anorexic in preparation for her Chicago audition.

Sterling K. Brown’s wife (who they keep trying to pretend/cram down our throats is an actress): You’re at the Spelling Bee and your word is DOILY.

Alison Brie: While I’m not obsessed with it, I love how her dress coordinates with her show. It’s fun, it’s eighties, it’s GLOWing.

Niecey Nash- No one cares, except me, but you stole my costume from when I played the Charo originated role of Frog Momma in “The Swan Princess.”

Halle Berry: I kind of love everything about this. It’s pink and berry and sparkly and has black tulle, so LOVE. But i cannot and will not with that My Little Pony Tail. You’re better than that, Halle. Shave that shit off like you did after David Justice!

Laurie Metcalf: If Angelina Jolie had worn this, my head would have exploded. You’re borderline just as devastating bc i LOVE YOU. Well played, sir.

Mary j Blige is clearly on her way to a ballet themed MET Gala dressed in Kmart’s Black Swan collection…

Only Taryn Manning would put a white, ankle strapped, Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls heel with an elegant, black, Audrey Hepburn-esque dress. Because ALL HER CHARACTERS.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a beautiful emerald earring. But when did she get that gap in her teeth?? @jenniferhintonmarion

Saiorse Ronan- If not for the bolo tie wrapped around your waist, i’d say you are a delightful version of Audrey’s character in Funny Face guest starring in a Moondreamers Valentine’s Day special.

Tracee Ellis Ross- At first I thought this was pants. I wasn’t going to like it then and I’m sad to say I shan’t be liking it any more upon realizing it’s a dress. It does nothing for her body and those shoes resemble something Angela Sephton purchased from Gadzooks circa 2004. Maybe if you get your pay raise, you can afford more attractive clothing.

Kate Hudson- The first time i saw this mess, i said to my friend @loganyost “It’s like Samantha the Victorian American Girl doll raped a care bear.” And I stand by that. #whattheactalfuck

Lupita Nyongo- On TV, that dress is PERFECTION. In photos though, it kind of resembles a silver tooth that’s gathered some Oreo around the gum line…

i didn’t think anyone could be as boring as Alexis Bledel at the Golden Globes (or in any role she’s ever played)… Olivia Munn has proven me wrong. #snooze

Brie Larson matched her eyeshadow to her dress. I love all the colors, but I do not love all the things.

Greta Gerwig: i freaking love everything about this. The color (which is giving me major Nicole Kidman in Dior circa 1997 vibes), the shape, the way she looks in the shape, the makeup that works with it all… LOVE.

Why is Molly Sims at the SAG awards? And why is she dressed as a saloon stripper named Cerulean Sarsaparilla???

Nicole Kidman- This is what you look like with the flu?!?!?!?!? i die. This looks like a chic, ruby-encrusted trash bag with a SJP shoulder flower and i love all of it.

Allison Janney came dressed as a SAG statue tonight, manifesting a win. And it worked. And I couldn’t be happier. Her performance in “I, Tonya” made started my year off RIGHT.

Susan Sarandon’s dress is what i want to own in every single color and fabric and have it be the only thing i ever wear to awards shows. And the sunglasses? Does she think she’s actually Bette Davis? I’m fine with it.

Did all the females in the ‘This Is Us’ cast decide to dress in the same shade of blueberry for a reason? Did they think this was the blue version of all black everyone pulled at the Golden Globes? That being said, I definitely think Mandy Moore takes the prize for Best Use of Cobalt, 2018.

Aside from the cheap looking hem on Margot Robbie’s dress, this may be my favorite look of the night. She looks like an Ice Capades Barbie at the black tie gala on the eve of her big skate and i love allll of it.

Dakota fanning ALSO looks like a Barbie, but the #myfirstbarbie version.

Marisa Tomei- Perfection, as always. The ultimate modern bombshell. Pink. Glitter. Yes.

Kristen Bell: Great job as the hostess of the evening. HOWEVER, on the red carpet, she just reminded me to pick up medication for my next UTI.

Holly Hunter: Why am I so obsessed with this? Is it because you are one of my favorite actresses of all time AND you happen to play a fellow ECU alum in your last amazing film, The Big Sick? Is it because there are pockets? I guess we’ll never know.

Connie Britton: Although I cannot forgive your latest role as a 911 operator (even if it is in a Ryan Murphy show), I am obviously obsessed with your pink, sparkly dress! It doesn’t fit even remotely like a dream, but i repeat: PINK AND SPARKLY. If your hair was blonde, the dress actually fit and you had red star earrings with a holographic fairy godmother on the other end, you’d be Jem.

Mary Steenburgen’s dress? Great. The color, the fit, it’s all working. I cannot, however, condone that HAIR! It’s like the brunette Deborah Rush spontaneously cut bangs so she could replace Jeri Blank in the Flatpoint High production of Chicago.

Omg Laura Linney- You look like some sort of beautiful pink bird in a cage in Barbie’s dream house. C’est magnifique.

ALRIGHT Y’ALL... I’D WRITE MORE, BUT FRANKLY, I’VE BEEN DRINKING WINE ALL DAMN DAY AND IT’S TIME TO GO THE PINK SATIN TO BED. LOVE YOU AND THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING!

#screen actors guild awards #sag awards #sagawards #sag #fashionpolice #eonline #giulianarancic #kristenbell #bullying #thatshighlyoffensive #shamblesinc #shambles #celebrities #redcarpet

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