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vicandsade · 4 years

Text

1941-11-xx - Strictly Business Christmas Loan

[See additional commentary at The Crazy World of Vic and Sade]

[hear the episode here or here]

I’m sure I’ve made this point before, but it always strikes me that Paul Rhymer had a rather unsentimental and transactional conception of Christmas. Christmas is a series of obligations necessary to keep the gears of the great Midwestern social machine oiled. All the right people must receive Christmas cards. All the right gifts must be given. Here, family members and friends are represented in dollar amounts, based on what kind of a gift they rate from Rush, and he does everything short of giving a PowerPoint presentation to Vic in his place of business to secure the funds to obtain those gifts.

But as unsentimental as Rhymer’s Christmases were, his families were anything but. Despite its transactional and monetary nature, Vic’s warm and easy relationship with his son, Rush’s admiration of his father’s work, and their quiet agreement to keep their respective pecadilloes a secret from Mom make this episode an especially sweet one.

For those who are curious, here’s what Rush is planning on spending for Christmas, in 2020 dollars. Source for these figures, whether reputable or not, here. I’m sure it varies a lot depending on what he was buying.

Total, “thumping big sum”: $455.63 Sade: $145.80 Vic: $91.13 Uncle Walter and Aunt Bess: $36.45 each Uncle Fletcher: $54.68 Cousin Euncie: $18.23 Mis’ Nagle: $9.11 To be divided among his remaining friends: $63.79

Transcript

————–

ANNOUNCER: Well sir, our scene doesn’t open at the small house halfway up in the next block today...instead, we take you to Mr. Victor Gook’s modest office at the Consolidated Kitchenware Company, Plant Number 14. Vic appears to have a visitor, and the visitor is saying:

RUSH: Since this is business and strictly business, I thought I’d keep it on a business basis.

VIC: Discuss it at my place of business, huh?

RUSH: Exactly.

VIC: Well, fire away.

RUSH: I’m not interferin’ with your work?

VIC: No. There’s a lull in the day’s occupation that is known as the “Children’s Hour.”

RUSH: How ya mean?

VIC: Nothin’. Papa waxes witty, is all. Shoot. What’s on your mind?

RUSH: [pause] Christmas present money.

VIC: Uh-huh. I had a forebodin’ just the other day I’d be approached on that matter shortly.

RUSH: Well, Christmas is gettin’ close.

VIC: No doubt about it. How much do you require?

RUSH: A thumping big sum.

VIC: Seven thousand dollars?

RUSH: [chuckles]

VIC: You consider me a comical fella, huh?

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC: I am a gay dog. Very popular with my friends on account of the funny things I say.

RUSH: Uh-huh.

VIC: How much dough you wanna stick me for?

RUSH: [pause] Twenty-five dollars.

VIC: Hey, hey...

RUSH: [quickly] I appreciate it’s a huge amount. Took my breath away, too, when I arrived at that figure. But, Gov, I’ve shaved it down as close as I could. See, the point is, I’m gettin’ older every year. People expect regular Christmas as a fella gets older. I can’t get by with givin’ little kids’ stuff anymore. Looks ridiculous from a fella fourteen years old. I came to your office this afternoon, Gov, to speak straight from the shoulder, and ask ya man--

[telephone rings]

VIC: One moment, Margaret. My telephone.

RUSH: Go ahead.

VIC: [picks up phone] Yes? [pause] Mr. Hudson? Okay, Mis’ Hammersweet, put him on.

RUSH: Don’t let me interfere with any business you may be transacting, Gov.

VIC: Quite all right.

RUSH: I won’t stay but a few minutes.

VIC: Stick around. [on phone] Ah, yes, Hudson? [pause] Which invoices ya referrin’ to? [pause] Oh. No, I think I’d contact Plant Seventeen on that, Hudson. Fuss is the fella to get in touch with. Gus Fuss. Don’t you know him? [pause] Uh-huh. Well, he’s a good scout. He’ll give ya all the dope you want on those invoices. [pause] Yeah. [pause] Okay, Hudson. [pause] Okay. [hangs up]

RUSH: [admiringly] You certainly do transact business, don’tcha?

VIC: Mm. All in a day’s work.

RUSH: I’d like to bring Bluetooth Johnson and some of the guys down here sometime, and let ‘em watch ya transact business.

VIC: You haven’t seen anythin’. This afternoon’s been very slow. There’s days when that telephone rings and don’t stop ringin’. And this office is crowded with as many as five people all tryin’ to talk to me at once.

RUSH: Is that a fact?

VIC: [chuckles] Oh. Pshaw. Uh, what were you sayin’, Pete?

RUSH: [takes a breath] I came to your office this afternoon, Gov, to speak straight from the shoulder, and ask ya man to man if you don’t think a fella my age oughta give his friends and relations regular gifts at Christmas time.

VIC: [chuckles] You spoke that piece from memory.

RUSH: [sheepishly] Oh.

VIC: Didn’tcha?

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC: [chuckles] Speak it again.

RUSH: I came to your office this afternoon, Gov, to speak straight from the shoulder, and ask ya man to man if you don’t think a fella my age oughta give his friends and relations regular gifts at Christmas time.

VIC: [chuckles]

RUSH: [chuckles]

VIC: Very good.

RUSH: Uh...there’s more.

VIC: Oh?

RUSH: I have here in my pocket a document listing the names of those to whom I feel Christmas presents should be sent. With your permission, I propose to submit this document, and request that you give it close examination.

VIC: You write that out and memorize it?

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC: Not a bad speech. States your case in clear, concise lang--

[telephone rings]

VIC: I beg your indulgence once again, Harry.

RUSH: Go ahead.

VIC: [answers phone] Yes? [pause] Mis’ Gook? All right, Mis’ Hammersweet.

RUSH: Don’t tell her I’m here!

VIC: Beg pardon?

RUSH: Don’t tell Mom I’m here! She don’t like me hangin’ around your office.

VIC: Okay.

RUSH: Figures I make a nuisance of myself, I guess.

VIC: Uh-huh. [on phone, brightly] Hello there, Dr. Sleetch! Can you wait just a second? There’s a pretty girl sittin’ on my knee and I can’t get the receiver up to my ear to -- [mischievous laugh] How are ya, kiddo? [pause] Uh-huh. Pray, what is your idea, disturbin’ me at my office? [pause] When, this evenin’? [pause] Not that I know of. [pause] Suit you, suit me, Mr. Spooner. [pause] Okay, tell ‘em to come on ahead. [pause] Sure. [pause] Sure. Is Rush home? [pause] Uh-huh.

RUSH: [laughs]

VIC: Uh-huh. Well, when he gets home, tell him I’m gonna thrash him within an inch of his life.

RUSH: [laughs]

VIC: Because he’s the wickedest, headstrong boy, that’s why.

RUSH: [chuckles]

VIC: Okay, Sadie. [pause] You bet. [pause] Oh, usual time. [pause] Okay, kiddo. So long. [hangs up] Mr. and Mis’ Stembottom wanna get an early start playin’ five hundred this evening.

RUSH: Oh.

VIC: Sadie’s a good boy.

RUSH: [chuckles] Yeah.

VIC: Where were we in our discussion here?

RUSH: I was gonna show ya this list of names.

VIC: Uh-huh.

RUSH: See how long it is?

VIC: Yeah.

RUSH: Gets longer every year. One of the penalties a fella has to pay for growin’ old.

VIC: Uh-huh.

RUSH: Alongside each name I have an amount of money written down. That represents the sum I figure I oughta spend on that particular party.

VIC: Mm.

RUSH: The list, you’ll notice, starts off with Mom.

VIC: So it does.

RUSH: ...Eight dollars.

VIC: A young fortune.

RUSH: Yes, it is, but...doggone it, Gov, I don’t see how I can get by for less! I think Mom’s got a decent Christmas present from me comin’.

VIC: Mm-hm.

RUSH: I’d hate to spend one single penny less than eight bucks for anything I’d buy for Mom.

VIC: Mm-hm. Uh...are there any more eight-dollar items?

RUSH: No. That’s far and away the biggest single amount. There’s a few two- and three-dollar items, and one [quickly] five-dollar item, but this eight-dollar item is in a class by itself.

VIC: I see. Who rates the five-dollar Christmas present?

RUSH: Uh...you do.

VIC: Well! May I expect some--

RUSH: Uncle Walter, two-dollar present. Aunt Bess, two-dollar present. Uncle Fletcher, three-dollar present. Those are the big guns. Those three and you and Mom kill twenty dollars right there. Only leaves five dollars for Cousin Euncie, and my Sunday school teacher, and my many friends. No, Gov, I’ve shaved ‘er down. I’ve shaved ‘er down to rock bottom. I realize twenty-five bucks is a whoppin’ big chunk of money--

[telephone rings]

VIC: Tut tut, Mr. Telephone.

RUSH: Go ahead.

VIC: [answers phone] Yes? [pause] Mr. Willers? All right, put him on. [to RUSH] Chicago.

RUSH: [impressed] Oh? Long distance?

VIC: The company’s own private wire. [pause] Yes, Willers. [pause] Oh, fine as silk, thanks. And you? [pause] Uh-huh. Baby get over that sick spell all right? [pause] Well, that’s good. [pause] Which consignment? [pause] Well, didn’t anybody from the shop here wise ya up on that? [pause] Well, somebody should’ve! I believe that’s in Ike Kneesuffer’s lap. [pause] Well, I’ll check, Willers. [pause] Yeah. [pause] No, it’s all right. Held up three days in Toledo, Ohio, is all. [pause] Yeah. Delivered this mornin’. [pause] Yeah, they shot us a wire. [pause] Yeah. [pause] Okay, Willers. Uh, gonna be down this way soon, ya think? [pause] Uh-huh. Well, don’t take any wooden nickels. [pause] [chuckles] Okay, Willers. Goodbye. [hangs up]

RUSH: [admiringly] You sure do transact business.

VIC: Oh, it’s very slow today.

RUSH: I’d just like to bring Bluetooth Johnson down here sometime and let him watch ya transact business.

VIC: [chuckles] Pshaw.

[telephone rings]

RUSH: [delighted] There she goes again, by George!

VIC: [answers phone] Yes? [pause] Who, Mis’ Hammersweet? [pause] Mr. Gumpo...oh, Mr. Gutstop! Sure, put him on. [to RUSH] Hank.

RUSH: Oh.

VIC: [chuckles] He’s a corker, that guy. Had somebody else call my office. I can hear the billiard balls knock against each other down at the Lazy Hours Pool Parlor. You’d think Hank was some hotshot executive with a private secretary, the way-- [on phone] Ah, yes, Hank! [pause] Oh, can’t kick, I guess. [pause] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [pause] Temporarily caught short, huh?

RUSH: He hittin’ ya for money, too?

VIC: [to RUSH] Yeah. [on phone] Oh, I guess I can spare a coupla bucks, Hank. [pause] Yeah. [pause] All right. [pause] No, I’ll be here the rest of the afternoon. [chuckles] Sendin’ a special messenger, huh? [pause] [amused] Okay. [pause] Okay, Hank. [pause] Not at all. Bye. [hangs up] [chuckles] He’s quite a sharp operator. Borrow two berries off a fella and sends a special messenger around to collect it.

RUSH: Huh.

VIC: I expect he’s involved in a critical game of bottle pool and can’t spare the time to come himself.

RUSH: Uh-huh.

VIC: Uh...your mother doesn’t approve of Hank, and I’d just as soon she didn’t know I let him touch me--

RUSH: Oh, I wouldn’t mention it around home.

VIC: [chuckles sheepishly] Might be just as well if you didn’t.

RUSH: Oh, I wouldn’t say anything.

VIC: Where’d we leave off in our interview?

RUSH: Oh, I was sayin’ that my Christmas present for you and Mom and Uncle Walter and Aunt Bess and Uncle Fletcher eat up twenty dollars alone. Only leaves five to be divided among this great big long list of friends. I figure I oughta buy Euncie a dollar present, and I figure I oughta buy Mis’ Nagle, my Sunday school teacher, a four-bit present. That only leaves three and a half, for...uh...[reads] Bluetooth Johnson, Smelly Clark, Leland Richards, Rooster Davis, Leroy Snow, Vernon Peggles, Willis Rohrback, Milton Welch, and Heinie Call.

VIC: Mmm.

RUSH: See, Gov, even with twenty-five dollars to start with, I’ll only have three and a half to buy presents for Bluetooth Johnson, Smelly Clark, Leland Richards, Rooster Davis, Leroy Snow, Vernon Peggles, Willis Rohrback--

VIC: I believe I see eye-to-eye with ya, Harry.

RUSH: What?

VIC: I’m disposed to accept your bill of goods.

RUSH: You’ll--

VIC: Yep.

RUSH: The...whole amount?

VIC: Yep. ‘Course, you’ll hafta give me a day or two’s grace to scare up the money.

RUSH: [relieved] By George, Gov, I don’t know how to--

[telephone rings]

VIC: Telephone’s ringin’, telephone’s ringin’. [answers phone] Yes? [pause] Mr. Burroughs? Tell him to sit down. I’ll be free in just a few minutes. [pause] Yeah. [hangs up]

RUSH: Uh, somebody waitin’ to see ya?

VIC: Yeah.

RUSH: Oh, I better go.

VIC: No hurry.

RUSH: I might just as well go, I guess.

VIC: Mm. Suit yourself.

RUSH: You, uh...didn’t mind my buttonholin’ ya here in your office?

VIC: Not at all.

RUSH: It was business and strictly business, and I thought I’d keep it on a business basis.

VIC: Surely.

RUSH: And...Gov, I can’t begin to tell ya how much I--

VIC: Forget it....forget it.

RUSH: No, but...doggone it, when I think what a high-class father--

[telephone rings]

VIC: Telephone is ringin’, telephone is ringin’. [answers phone] Yes? [pause] Uh, not this afternoon, I’m afraid, Mis’ Hammersweet. [pause] No, from now on ‘til five o’clock I’ll be completely tied up. Tell him I can see him tomorrow mornin’. [pause] Yes. [pause] All right. [hangs up]

RUSH: [admiringly] Golly, how you transact the business!

VIC: [chuckles] Shucks.

RUSH: No, but ya do!

VIC: Nothin’ in the world.

RUSH: Well...guess I’ll be goin’.

VIC: All right. It was a very pleasant interview. Shake hands?

RUSH: Sure.

VIC: Come back again?

RUSH: I will. Goodbye.

VIC: Goodbye, sir.

ANNOUNCER: Which concludes another brief interlude at that small house halfway up in the next block.

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