I’m thinking about Actor Mark could easily be considered my inserts/Ci’s 505 of sorts. cause like, a 505 is:(as described by urban dictionary)

The thing that is simultaneously keeping you alive and killing you, often used to describe a person who you're in love with, but, may be bad for you.

(this is long lmao)

And like, she has put everything into him since they met back as children. Like, he spent her childhood hoping to be his muse and pushing him to continue on with storytelling and acting. In her teens years she continued helping him chase his roles, dreams, muses, anything and everything he wanted all while falling  harder in harder. Don’t get me wrong, She did pursue her own interests as well(she’s Damien secretary until poker night after all!) but ultimately helping him was one of her three top priorities and she didn’t mind missing things she wanted and/or deemed to be personally important to do it. He barely had to protest to get her to agree. 

All the while she would find his breath catching over the person that she put up with(she really cares about Dames, William, and Mark so what choice does she have?) but can’t seem to really connect with.(outside of caring for the gang I suppose) As the two get closer that feeling starts become more of one and envy and even loathing at times....and then they got married.(whoo)

Haha oh MAN she was a WRECK when the news gotten broken to her. Mark had come to her high as a kite and excited invited her to the wedding. She smiled and shared in his excitement but as soon as he walked out to go tell someone else she just broke down honestly. A good three hour cry. Mourning everything she hadn’t done with him and how he was now slipping away too. Sure, it was inevitable that he would ask but damn if she wasn’t sure Celine would accept. Sometimes, she honestly wasn’t sure that she even loved him. But the marriage was in a weeks time and she had to pull herself together for everyone’s sake. So, she helps with the planning and nods along to any of his ideas with a smile on her face and something stinging her yes.

And then the wedding night comes. An absolutely gorgeous events with amazing food, table settings, party favors, decorations, everything!(Benjamin really had fun helping to set it all up :)) And as Mark gives his speech and gets down on one knee, as he looks up at her like the moon complimenting the sun, she decides right then and there that these feelings need to die. Well, less a decision and more an overwhelming feeling that would take hold shortly after. She’s for their night with them through ti all but sneaks off(as she usually would do at his extravagant parties) for some air when needed.

The month that proceeds it is a hellish and the month after that is even worse. Eventually, though, Damien hooks her up with a blind date via someone he knew and ran into again recently in college. It’s uhh, a nice distraction. Each person after that is the same in that way. Smiling faces, open hearts, thirsty, vulnerable, longing....but it always ends the same. They reach out for her hand and she feels tension. They go to kiss her and all she can see is Mark’s red lips reflected in a lit mirror. Someone flirts with her? All she can picture is the smirk that would play on his lips and bleed into his eyes when he was messing with her. And she really tried to push through it! (It felt awful to do so but she had try if Dames was going through all the trouble to worry and help her) She really did but it was also too obvious, or maybe too little? Somehow, they would always come to the conclusion that she wasn’t ready or didn’t feel as strongly or there could even be someone else......

And after the 10th failure of an attempt at an actual relationship, she finds herself at another Mark mansion party. Tired, beaten down, and defeated. Watching him laugh and smile with his brother, his friends, his wife, she makes a decides that maybe, just once it’s okay to try something else. A different kind of a cure for a newly opened ache. Mark invites everyone to drink and for the first time in years she smiles, joining in the toasting! Everyone is excited and curious and slipping into the drink all so fast she can barely keep up! She’s not sure how many shots it takes but eventually she’s definitively there. Swaying on her feet, slurred speech and cheeks flushed pink in what seems like a permanent fixture. But as always, she finds herself heading out on to the mansion’s balcony seeking out the view that nowhere else she’d ever been could provide her. Mark follows after her. Now that she was intoxicated, maybe she’d actually allow the company? Or well, any company that wasn’t Damien.

“Oh, hey Damien.” she smiles quietly, clinging to the balcony railing. Mark chuckles and waves, putting on a softer tone than usual. (He could pretend to be Damien if that’s what it would take.) She starts to go into detail about the stars and the fact that she could see so many and the constellations Mark was graced with viewing every night in his secret forest hideaway. He plays along, laughing, playing the part of Damien.....and then she says something that takes him off guard. Suddenly, she’s talking to him very casually about the crush she won’t speak to anyone about out loud.(except Damien apparently lmaooo) She gets this look in her yes, soft, sure, longing deep as the ocean as she calls the man standing a mere 5 feet away brighter than any star she was enjoying the privilege of seeing only a little while earlier. Mark finds himself a bit taken aback, something warm swelling in his chest( a feeling that he hasn’t felt with Celine in months) while Ci finds her eyelids getting heavy. The two sit togther for a long moment in relative quiet as Cici thanks Damien for always putting up with her when she was like this” (how many times had she talked to Damien about him??) before passing out while leaning on his shoulder. He carries her to a guest bedroom, looking at her for a long moment before leaving her to rest, ignoring that warm feeling. In the morning she doesn’t remember anything of the night before and decides that she’s NOT doing that again.(God, the headache!) Mark keeps the knowledge of last nights events to himself and returns to his normal friendly routine but finding himself teasing her even worse than usual. It’s a bit more targeted now that he’s armed with the understanding of how things actually are. His ego is through the fucking roof and she’s finding it harder not to tell him despite everything. Things continue on in a dance of Mark hoping she’ll come out with it already so they can really talk and she fights every breathless moment with crumbling logic and an unsatisfied feeling in her gut.

Time goes on and we get to the cheating part and uh, oh booy she walked in on them at the mansion......and immediately rushed to tell Mark. Everything spirals downhill from there so fast its hard to truly keep track of sometimes. In the end, she’s the only one that comes to aid Mark when he falls into that depression in the mansion. The only one to stay at his side no matter how much push and pull was involved. no matter how much he said he didn’t need anyone or tried to have the servants throw her out. She took a vacation when he finally broke down to her help and stayed with him. Some other night in the mansion, Mark gets drunk and tells her about what really happened that night at the party. He starts saying that he was wrong about Celine and he couldn’t see what was right in front of him. On and on and on and she just chops it up to the drink(she ain’t gonna be his one night stand) and makes him aware that regardless of her feelings she can’t believe him like that. Hurt and scared and tired. No matter how badly she wants to, it’s just not right.

idk apparently i just wanted to describe some more shit but in a world where Mark doesn’t feel the same loving him is like willingly choosing to suffocate herself so djhs(thank GOD that’s not how it goes lhdflhg)