thinking abt jackie and wilson by hozier as a verge (young leif series) song. thinking abt them meeting leif and thinking abt

INTRO VERSE: so tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes / no better version of me I could pretend to be tonight

^verge living every day jumping and surviving to get to tomorrow, slowly ground down to feel tired of life, with the red in their eyes from the dryness of the desert they meet leif in.

soul deep in the swill w the most familiar of swine/for reasons wretched and divine

^verge being born into a life of crime for the most cruel of crimes and that rejection and hate from other ppl permeating their soul

^^“for reasons wretched” vapus being destroyed by the hubris of their plans “and divine” the incredible power that could have been achieved

she blows outta nowhere roman candle of the wild / laughing her way through my feeble disguise

^leif literally showing up on a broken ship like a firecracker in their life to spark something new / he sees through verge as a terrifying person and breaks their guard down so easily

no other version I would rather be tonight / and lord! she found me just in time

^feeling more and more relaxed with leif, beginning to feel happy in the moment they found leif when they did

cause with my mid youth crisis all said and done / I need to be youthfully felt, cause god I’ve never felt young.

^verge makes the choice to kiss leif in realizing they need to feel something they’d never been able to before

CHORUS

she’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair.

^leif being one of the only ppl verge could ever let close to run his hands in their hair (and not pull it).

she’ll know me crazy soothe me daily / better yet she wouldn’t care.

^leif being the one person who knows them so intimately, calms them in all their crises, and most importantly doesn’t care what kinds of sins other ppl put on their shoulders. he just loves them.

we’ll steal a lexus be detectives ride round picking up clues

^being on the nancy sinatra and living their fantasy life of being criminals with a purpose in their small family together

we’ll name our children jackie and wilson / raise em on rhythm and blues

^the ultimate fantasy of being able to settle down for verge. even if they don’t want kids it’s the yearning for a life they wish they could have. something about being Able to settle down that’s so appealing yet so far. / ^^another piece of that fantasy, that they’re gonna raise their kids on a steady rhythm, something calm and soulful and significantly Normal in their own way.

VERSE

lord! it’d be great to find a place we could escape sometime / me and my isis growing black irises in the sunshine

^verge starting to consciously wonder about some kind of normalcy to their life. / "me and my isis" is usually referred to as the goddess of healing and love, so the healing and love of verge through leif and “black irises” could be funeral flowers and maybe them knowing the fantasy’s doomed from the start.

every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside / we’d sit back and watch the world go by / happy to lie back, watch it burn and rust / we tried the world good god it wasn’t for us

^for a moment this was their life. to say fuck the world that hurt them badly and let it burn as long as they had an escape with leif.

CHORUS

she’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair / she’ll know me crazy soothe me daily / better yet she wouldn’t care / we’ll steal her lexus be detectives / ride round picking up clues / we’ll name our children jackie and wilson / raise em on rhythm and blue

^repeated again like they're reliving their life with leif and then.

VERSE

cut clean from the dream last night let my mind reset / looking up from a cigarette and she’s already left

^waking up the next day after their escape from minsky and lafftrax without leif (who left them voluntarily).

I start digging up the yard for what’s left of me in our little vignette / for whatever poor soul is coming next

^falling back into their old life knowing they can’t stay the same person they were with leif in order to survive.

END CHORUS

she’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair / she’ll know me crazy soothe me daily / better yet she wouldn’t care / we’ll steal her lexus be detectives / ride round picking up clues / we’ll name our children jackie and wilson / raise em on rhythm and blues

^the lingering memories of a life they could have had but could never have actually had it.

16.04.2024

i asked a guy i've been interacting with on tumblr for like the last 8 months, if he wanted my number and boy do i regret it [but not for the reasons you may think]

so, as i mentioned we've been getting to know each other and messaging for like 8 months. i remember the first time he messaged me... it was completely random. he'd liked a couple of posts/reblogs and followed me before reaching out and sending a simple greeting. i was naturally very suspicious as it had been years since anyone had messaged me on tumblr and since it was so out of the blue, i was very cagey and cold. he persevered another 2 days before caging up himself when i asked for his name. then he dropped off for about a month. when he returned again, it was to apologise for clamming up. i told him not to worry as he was entitled to his privacy. and then he did something that really surprised me. he gave me his name and a little snippet of his story. he told me that he was feeling lonely and wanting to make friends and that he was going to try chatting to people on here again and sort of freaked out. i let him know that i understood, as i was also being cagey. once we both were on the same page, things were okay. we would checking in every now and then, ask basic getting to know you questions and chat about our day. i got more and more comfortable with the idea of him as a friend and opened myself up to him little by little. sometimes i would reach out to him and not receive a message back for months, bc he would take breaks from tumblr [i'm assuming for his mental health, which is understandable]. he would reply when he next came online and we would chat more. he ended up seeing what i looked like through my side blog and began complimenting me on my looks. occasionally, he would ask a sexual question and i would answer it as honestly as i could. [normally, i wouldn't tolerate that shit, but i was starting to like him.] his line of questioning got more personal as time went on and it felt like maybe we were connecting. so as the months progressed, naturally, i thought maybe i wasn't delusional and that he liked me for me [i sent him a full body pic and it was received relatively well, i think] so i thought that maybe he would be interested in continuing this outside of the confines of this website and decided to work up the courage to ask him if he wanted my number. this is where it goes wrong. he meets my question with a question and i start to think that this is already a bad start and maybe i misread the situation. am i wrong for thinking that a man who's called me pretty and cute and hot would want my number? am i? well apparently, because he never ended up saying yes. this felt as good as rejection and immediately the walls came up and i started being short with him. I even wrote "i'll take that as a no then" to which he replied some bullshit like "i twasn't a no at all" and all i could think was "yeah but it wasn't a yes either", which is as good as imo. he wanted an explanation for why i wanted this bc he always assumed he was bugging me [which btw is another thing i want to touch on. in the past, he has mentioned feeling like he bugs me quite often and i thought i'd been doing enough to let him know that that was simply not the case but ofc that was his reasoning this time too] and i explained that i liked talking to him and wanted to respect the time he takes off from tumblr bc ik it can be disruptive and it was met with an "im sorry if..." and that shit makes my blood boil so i havent responded back to him. it's been over 24 hours since he replied to me. i spent that afternoon absolutely bawling my eyes out. then i spent the evening upset too. i was having big feelings, for sure and couldn't deal with them. i feel maybe i was too harsh but he was too.

anyway, i've been listening to sad music and crying abt anything and everything lmao...

friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

Hi, Reversed✖️ here. I really would like to hear your opinion on how to sort out this difficult and sad situation

I can't deal with it alone anymore, especially to analyze it objectively

So um my parent, in front of a guest, took out their anger on me ie screaming, totally losing it, cursing me out coz I took a half min to fetch smth (I was already doing smth else for them) aka huge, nasty reaction. This was def not coz of the delay in the errand btw

Started ranting real ugly, getting louder and angrier (in front of the guest yay me right?😄) Ik my parent (P) has underlying issues (pain in their body which they always refuse to get treated for at a hospital whenever I suggest so (and if I offer to massage or bring an Ice pack I get passive aggressive snide remarks for 'pretending to care and be helpful'))

Any way screw that. My point is Law-related. so in this ugly rant (in which ofc parent brings up shite about me, personal effing shite), they shouted how I have 'no goal' in life bla bla among other things

Per EIYPO, is this a reflection of their own limiting beliefs/issues (eg lately all they do is complain with venom abt how things never turn out okay and how 'everything's messed up' etc. So it definitely could be how they feel)... OR is the, somewhat humiliating rant, an indicator of my inner reality and deep buried assumptions?

Tbh l want to cry, especially coz ik they're being like this coz of bodily pain, and ik they're not feeling great being like this either

Sadly, I'm getting triggered. Up until last year, I used to be in a very dark place. I'm working on my self now, and for the most, I'm better equipped to deal with my personal issues (the Law helped me realise how assumptions, thoughts could help me see a point in living; aka it gave me hope). Now even limiting time with P isn't enough. I tell myself idc what they keep saying about me, but I can't stop them (I mean if I talk back, it gets worse yk? If I try to explain, I hear this classic one "Oh so YOU'RE perfect right? You're the only perfect person in the world"... Yeah, it gets old real fast)

It's lame, upsetting. I don't wanna fall in the deep end again. Btw I've always been the one who's listened to P when they want to vent or wanna discuss their interests (even if I'm not that interested, coz ik what it's like to not have anyone interested in ur likes lol). Point is, is their behavior (the screaming outbursts and insane cussing + sometimes I do shudder at their scaring-the-yk-what outta-me expressive hatred of my existence - which they themselves have acknowledged btw aka I've heard them tell others how I've made them negative and unhappy... 😐), So is their behavior reflective of their own assumptions about me OR is it MY deep-buried assumptions reflecting in them?

I don't get it. On many damn occasions they've told me I'm the one who's at fault for 'everything' and, you'll like this one, "how I deserve being treated like this"... I've even asked them what I've done to them, but my P has communication issues (which I've taken as smth to learn for myself so I'm happy I could be mature enough to realise what's healthy and unhealthy communication, work on this and be better), which means, unfortunately, it's tough to get a straight answer back other than defensiveness, accusing me of criticising them bla bla nvm that's the old story (and by old I mean literally old), so idk

Like... Eff it all huh? I try to focus on myself and different aspects of my life, minimize confiding stuff about me, learned to not rely on them too much but idk. It's starting to affect me a lot, you understand right?

As I type this, I realise I'm REALLY hurt by P's shouts and their tone of NOT love. I forgive them for their rants, but how can I feel it in my heart that they don't hate me?

Working on your self concept and learning to love yourself after years then being treated like this insanely messed up my mind. What's the point? I'm getting all those old feelings back. It was so hard to yk, stop living in the dark. Eff me ig. Anyway, EIYPO, mb I gotta persist more on setting boundaries? Allow myself my feelings then move on?

Thanks so much, love

Reversed✖️

Please, nothing abt moving out. I already have distanced myself, unconsciously I now realise, from them. I'd really appreciate it if I could understand how to feel better regarding this situation by changing my concepts, or assumptions or at least understand why I'm so affected

First of all I am so sorry you have to go through this every day, I know you’re a beautiful person and it’s not your fault and you do not deserve it.

Now let’s talk about the law. Everything you see in your reality is a reflection of your own inner world. You create everyone and everybody, nobody can have a belief that you haven’t created them to have.

Also I see a lot of limiting beliefs in you “my parent is in pain and they take it out on me”, “my parent has communication issues.”

I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with but if you want to change the situation you need to stop attaching these labels to your parent and instead changing them to something positive.

I am not going to tell you it will be easy because we are talking about years of trauma and abuse, however I do want to encourage you to not allow them to treat you like that, physically speak up and also to really consider moving away from that person.

I hope this clarifies some things and I wish you the best. If there’s anything else I can help you with feel free to message!