#xxc calling him 'a-yang' FUCK we need that really badly i am so tempted to speedrun things to have that KLDGFGH-
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@crue11 | ♥
The first thing the beautiful and ever-so-righteous Xiao XingChen hates himself for today is the way he trembles, ever so slightly, when Xue Yang touches him.
When Xue Yang touches him. Xue Yang. Xue Yang.
Xue Yang whom Xiao XingChen had vouched for, he'd looked at him once, and even despite the things he was already doing, a part of Xiao XingChen would always assume he would have made it out. Would have learned how to be better, would have recognized the error of his ways, how power means nothing if it's built on hills of corpses, quite literally it seems.
All at his own expense.
All because he didn't know better, all because he thought he knew better.
It's different now.
The voice he hears is both more and less familiar than the one he used to sit next to, entertained by stories and tentative touches, inching closer to a reality he didn't think he was allowed solely because it served no purpose other than indulging himself and whatever desire he'd managed to develop over the years.
Xue Yang.
He's still caring. He cares every day, there's food every day, even while his face continues to ache in pain at this point near-numbing, even if he bleeds through nearly every fabric wrapped around his eyes, Xue Yang, Xue Yang, will be there, and wipe it clean, the face he couldn't protect.
Every time Xue Yang comes back, Xiao XingChen is overcome with an intensity of emotions unbecoming to the moon he used to be equalled to. Where Song Lan was icy wind, he was the kinder breeze. He was praised for being gentle, soft-spoken but assertive, someone who'd do the right thing without ever stepping on others, unless terribly provoked, and even then solely to protect the innocent.
When Xue Yang doesn't show up... or when Xiao XingChen gets lost inside his own head and forgets to count the seconds, minutes, hours, when he can't hear him shift around outside, when it's too quiet... it's worse.
He's never been afraid of his disability. Even growing accustomed to it hadn't scared him. It wasn't easy, the jump. It was dreadful, but like a painful challenge, not a terrible reality he'd never learn to come to terms with.
Now, though, the idea of waking up one day and realizing Xue Yang had left, either because his passion project had come back wrong, or for some other reason, none good enough for Xiao XingChen to not think about stumbling out the coffin house and try to track him down.
It wouldn't be fair... if he left now. And yet... can he stomach having him around?
Who's who's property.
When Xiao XingChen used to move, back then, 'grace' and 'elegance' would be associated to him the way clouds were associated to the sky, and depths to lakes.
Now when he knocks the bowl of water over with an accidental swat like he doesn't seem to care for it, as uncaring of the way he sways before he rights himself and reaches for where he'd last heard Xue Yang, Xue Yang's voice, he resembles more all those men pitied for being once large and now small.
He doesn't want to go to him. He can't also not move away from him.
He gets stuck somewhere halfway. He just stops.
"Are you ever going to be honest with me," spat, choked. There's so much ache behind the words he can't make it sound like hate even if he wanted to, but it is. It's the kind of hate born from... well.
It's wet, and it means too much, it's almost swallowed back in a hitch of air, not one of surprise, but one caused by the struggle to not lose his breath under the onslaught of whatever he feels.
Never once does he think about killing Xue Yang. Never once does he think about hurting him. That's not what he wants. He doesn't want Xue Yang to pay. He doesn't want things to be this way.
He wouldn't have hated him.
Maybe.
Under different circumstances.
"I don't want your eyes," that's more like it. Angrier. Tighter jaw, but so aching, so yearning. It's not fair. And for the first time in forever, Xiao XingChen indulges. Allows himself to whine about it, even if only in his heart. Allows himself to selfishly wish it'd been someone else in his stead. Allows himself to hate the entire world, just for a moment.
He's exhausted.
"Why are you..." if only he could cry proper tears. His face contorts. He looks like he's watched a loved one die, without the tranquility of mind to realize what that means for him, for them, as they are.
"What do you want from me...?"
#crue11#the righteous;xingchen#i cannot describe how good a time i am having right now#even reading your tags was like getting shot in the face i loved it#xxc calling him 'a-yang' FUCK we need that really badly i am so tempted to speedrun things to have that KLDGFGH-#it's popping out the queue here but i wrote it real fking fast i guarantee you--#;queue#xy asks him if he wants his eyes and a notification pops up saying Xiao XingChen Hated That
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