#with the difference being that misaki doesnt think theres any way out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cielospeaks · 5 years

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its confusing? i guess bc its like “so u dont really ship w hrid/laegjarn/ect. :/” but thats not true? i dont think. i do ship with them, but just like all yall fuckers i have a “version” of myself that i ship them with. an in universe version, because the narrative of a lonely traveler who befriends an eccentric duke before he dies and then ends up in an anxiety inducing new land but meets kind and supportive and attractive people there is a narrative that appeals to me and is fun to imagine myself in.

am i a traveling horsewoman with healing powers? no. am i friends with a duke? no. but i bet u cant really shoot out magic orbs from a gun and summon medieval warriors with them, so i dont rlly think that argument works.

i think for the “me” here, hrid and laegjarn and the others are special to me. theyre my favorite characters, i like them, i like consuming content of them. but i see them as being in a happy relationship with kasumi in the world of heroes. i dont really have the same feeling to see them “with” me, to see “me” comforting and/or protecting them. same w sturm/drang/belial/ect. i love them all a lot, but i see them as dating kisumi. who is the “me” that would exist within the universe of granblue.

i think it partly has to do with the setting. granblue is like a high fantasy, same with fe (admittedly heroes has more of an isekai story, which is what i usually see people having themselves as in it, nothing wrong w that). whereas things like fate are a modern and urban setting, something i can easily ish see myself in, i could see myself taking sal to the movies, or going shopping w him, or ect. and even gintama is such a domestic setting, despite being vaguely 1800s ish. hans and the... canon world hes in is a different matter entirely. that doesnt follow any of my rules haha.

i think its... i feel a personal disconnect w my self inserts as a whole, especially after naming them. its like they cease being “me” and start being their own self. the differences become more pronounced, kisumi is confident and flirty and direct in a way im not. kasumi has had to be independent in a way i have not, shes lived in a place i have not. (albeit theres more similarities now haha) i think ive been glad to not put a name to my in universe hans insert bc it still feels like “me”. its a “me” that exists there, that is living a fantasy where im both the musician w good connections and the wandering asshole, that is direct and strong willed but also gentle and caring. and those arent traits associated w a completely different person, those are “me”. thats the “me” i would be for hans.

i think theres definitely appeal to me of named self inserts/ones i consider separate. for instance, moku i love in both of her timeline versions. at!moku is hilarious and badass, main!moku is really fun too, shes a bit of a tribute to things like dtl which got me into japanese history in the first place. main!moku is also buddies w misaki and the others, which is infinitely fun to write by extension. but its like, when i think about that, that’s moku. thats aime. thats kisumi and kasumi and mokou. theres “me”, but that “me” is separate.

and i think bc its that “me” that has some relationships with some of my faves is why its so personal and different? theres the “me” thats been with sal for 9 months. thats not tomone, or ritsu, or anyone else. its like real life me ish. its the me that plays fgo and stuff. ritsu is like a caricature manifestation of my playing fgo (gijinka?), tomone is a self insert character for insertia, which was/is a way to share that relationship in a group setting. but theres “my” relationship which is different from those. i feel a disconnect from them, im not a doctor of chaldea and a twin, im not living in trifas with sal and cu. im... just some asshole playing fgo for 3 years, and thats really what i think about by default.

its not really real life me. real life me has too many issues, real life me goes by a name and is (trying to be) a productive person who (is working on having) has a job and lives a life of generally being decent. thats separate from the “me” that has known mashu and cu for 3 years, thats separate from the “me” that wants to hold stabby boys and stuff like that. i never picture them saying my name, just like i never picture them doing anything else id feel uncomfortable with. its not that i dont like my name, id feel the disconnect if they used any other name- screen name, si’s name. i feel a disconnect from that version of myself associated with that name. the real life me is a violinist with a degree and stuff, just a regular person. the screen name me is a hobbyist writer/artist with depression and anxiety. the “me” that loves sal is.... just someone who wants to care for someone, a little greedy but who genuinely wants his well being. who wants to be able to help someone else, who i like like and who i can see really needs it. i guess maybe its like my core desires, that “me”. and by indulging in those desires im able to have something that makes me happy, at the same time as being the other necessary faces? i guess of myself.

its something that i guess is pretty personal to me which is why i dont really like sharing it much. they are fictional characters, all i can do is fantasize about helping them. i feel its presumtuous to think that i know how they feel, much less that “they love me uwu”. its different i guess with like laegjarn and hrid and gareth and the others. its like im a sort of omniscient narrator and also the specific si in that verse. laegjarn or hrid acts kind and happy to kasumi, and i feel that happiness from the act. theyre cute, the warm feeling is contagious. its different from how i feel for sal or hans, but it doesnt make either wrong i think. in kasumis story, hrid loves kasumi and kasumi loves hrid. laegjarn loves kasumi and kasumi loves laegjarn. the whole squad cares about kasumi and kasumi cares about all of them. i would say its different than “me” and sal. i love sal, i adore him so much. i can say im grateful for him coming home, im grateful for him sticking with me through everything. i wont assume that “you havent left me so ur in loooOOOooove with me” bc thats the sort of manipulation i detest. but i wont also deny anything hes done. im grateful for him, im grateful for his existence. its a different matter than the feelings kasumi and her partners have.

i like to do stuff like this, despite appearances. i like knowing what tf is going on in this cobweb filled brain of mine, and analyzing myself helps me know myself better. it might not be accurate, but it saves me time on worrying. i do feel like this puts me at odds/apart at the least from a lot of the community tho. thats ok tho, thats how i am and thats how they are. it doesnt mean one of us is wrong, it just means its incompatible. best to leave it at that, if they want to be asses then its their fault.

#about me #personal stuff

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lovelesswiki · 7 years

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Post-Moonless predictions— Soubi’s mental state (2/10)

previous part<--[here] --> next part

for the last week or so, i’ve been talking about a large theory i’ve been writing. since finishing it, i’ve decided to publish it in parts, since it’s actually about 10 different theories all on one subject. since it’s all written out, i’ll try to be publishing one part of this per day.

essentially, this is a set of theories about what i believe will have to happen in order to properly lead up to a climax--the one we’ve been building up to for years and years now. so, these are what i theorize will happen after the first moonless vs beloved battle, broken up into ten different parts. each theory is explained and theres images for each one.

table of contents (bolded is the post you’re looking at):

moonless and beloved will rematch (1)

soubi will fall into a deep depression and possibly become suicidal (2)

ritsuka will arrive at seven voices, SM’s activity will be revealed (3)

SM will reveal that there was a mole in their organization (4)

kio will be the one to take ritsuka to goura (5)

ritsuka will find things out about soubi and the aoyagi family (6)

SM’s true purpose will be revealed. ritsuka will have to make a decision about good vs evil (7)

seventh SM member will be revealed (8)

nagisa will find out what really happened to sanae (9)

ritsuka will be asked to join SM to fill the aoyagi seat (10)

Theory: after the moonless battle, soubi will fall back into a catatonic state, become deeply depressed, and become actively suicidal. this will be following constant abusive treatment from seimei and soubi essentially giving up on everything.

NOTE: this post will be discussing suicide and abuse in explicit terms. this is a warning for that. also, this post is one of the most important, since i mostly focus on ritsuka in the others, for reasons that ill be discussing in this post.

i strongly suspect that everything after the moonless battle will become worse for soubi, somehow.

before the moonless battle, we see soubi falling into what i can only describe as a near catatonic state. it’s seen at a couple times in the manga that when soubi gets extremely depressed or witnesses something horrible, he locks up completely. after the oath that seimei forces soubi to recite and seimei’s attitude that they lost, i can only imagine that this will get even worse.

catatonia, for those that dont know, is a mental state in which the sufferer goes into a state of immobility where they refuse to do everything or almost everything. it’s a sign of various psychotic disorders, including depression with psychotic features. usually, catatonia presents with things such as mutism, stupor, negatism (refusal to do things that they need to do such as eating), and agitation, and it does often present after a traumatic or shocking event. if any of this sounds familiar, you’d be right, because soubi presents this very clearly in the events following being taken from ritsuka.

(i know soubi is in no way normal, but he certainly doesnt act like this all the time)

in addition to this, soubi has apparently asked and forgotten nakahira’s name multiple times, enough that nakahira is angry about it and calls soubi out for being rude. he also ignores any offers for food and, as nakahira points out, has done nothing but sit in that state since he arrived at the house. he doesnt appear to even have slept.

(im going to go out on a limb here and say that soubi probably did actually forget his name and legitimately wasn’t intentionally being a shitty person.)

in the same chapter, we see that the only thing that rouses soubi is seimei, and every panel after that, soubi is shown to be in what looks to be immense pain. his expressions are very exaggerated and hurt and it literally looks like hes getting a nail driven through his hand again. im not going to show every panel of this, because im not kidding. it’s every panel that shows soubi from the beginning of chapter 105 to right up to where we are currently in the manga, save for the hallucination soubi has about his life back at home, but we’ll be getting to that soon.

the worst of this intense emotional pain, though, is when seimei forces soubi to recite an oath. soubi looks to be in the worst pain hes been in through the entire duration of the manga, and that’s including getting a nail through his hand and when seimei showed up at seven voices and forced soubi to let him escape. truth be told, i think this scene is where soubi crosses the line from being extremely depressed and hopeless to something actually worse. in short, i think this is the moment soubi realizes that there is nothing else besides this, and there’s no way out.

so, before we delve too deep into that, let’s talk about something related. let’s talk about seimei and what’s going to happen directly after the moonless battle in relation to seimei’s state of mind.

i heavily suspect that we’re going to see some of seimei’s violence towards soubi, as well as nisei. we have flashbacks and a current timeline with seimei and soubi where seimei acts very cruelly and abusive towards soubi, but we’ve never seen him actually get physical with him (with the exception of his naming). despite this, it’s been stated multiple times by multiple characters that soubi was beaten by him and we see him at one point during a flashback with kio where soubi’s hand is badly injured and it doesn’t seem to be from a battle. seimei won the battle against moonless, but is clearly displeased with how they won and how close it was, as well as with the fact that nisei was defeated, and in the time between taking him back and now, seimei seems particularly displeased with the way soubi acts and speaks. i believe this is going to come to some sort of a pinnacle where seimei’s physical treatment of soubi (and nisei) is going to be shown in order to trigger readers and fans into a concrete and undeniable belief that seimei is a piece of shit.

(not that he isn’t already, but physical violence tends to be a very ‘in-your-face’ type of thing that cannot be ignored or looked over or even easily forgotten. everyone remembers it and it tends to be huge in storytelling, especially with characters who are trying to be negatively portrayed. while it’s easy to overlook the scenes with rampant emotional and verbal abuse, it’s not easy to overlook scenes with rampant physical abuse. this is why we remember misaki’s treatment of ritsuka and ritsu’s treatment of soubi much more than we remember, say, nagisa’s treatment of the zeroes, despite the fact that she’s hit at least youji. this is also why readers much more easily dislike characters like ritsu and misaki over nagisa and seimei.)

(this scene isn’t remembered very often, even.)

(soubi’s injury is implied to be seimei’s doing, but it’s never confirmed or explicitly shown, although that type of injury is easily done with a knife. i wonder who’s proficient with knives...?)

so, right now we have a seimei that is displeased for a multitude of reasons. first, we have soubi, who’s depressed, unwilling to do much, and who has begun questioning seimei and talking back to him. he won the moonless battle, but only after beloved as a whole was half defeated. and then we have nisei. i feel bad for nisei, because i do not see this turning out well for him at all. nisei lost. nisei was defeated. nisei was weak. nisei couldnt do what he was ordered. nisei forced seimei to rely on soubi to win a battle because nisei couldnt do what he was ‘created’ to do. nisei is useless to seimei, and an embarrassment. there is no way at all that seimei is even remotely happy with nisei, and this is something that i think is going to play out horribly for him, and something that will greatly affect soubi, as well.

to see why, we need to understand soubi and nisei’s relationship. up until very recently, soubi hated nisei with every fiber of his being. he vowed over and over that he would kill him. at the moonless battle, soubi was given a wide and huge opportunity to carry this out and kill nisei, but instead chose to take pity on him. the look that soubi gave nisei in the moment before he put a sleep spell on him wasn’t one of hatred, but one that looked as if soubi pitied him, like he felt sorry for him after watching him be defeated and be beaten up right in front of seimei. soubi seemed understanding, almost, and i think in that moment he came to a greater understanding that being the beloved fighter isn’t an honor. it’s a curse.

i don’t think soubi is going to fair well if he witnesses nisei being punished for his failure during the battle. similarly, i dont think soubi is going to fair well if he is punished or pushes seimei to anger, either.

the entire series, up until seimei taking soubi back, has partially been about soubi building a sense of identity that involves being an actual person and not a thing. at this point, i doubt soubi would react well at all to being beaten or punished for winning a battle too closely, nor do i think he would react well to seeing nisei be punished for having to drop out of a 2 vs 1 battle, humiliating seimei as he did so. in fact, i think this would push soubi towards an edge that i think is going to become very clear in the coming chapters.

to put it simply, with soubi’s characterization and the events leading up to now, i strongly suspect that soubi will become suicidal to a degree. maybe it’s a large degree that pushes him towards an actual choice. maybe it’s to a lighter degree. given what yun has said about the climax and everything, i think it may be the former, and thats what im going to work off of here.

let me break this down a little bit: soubi’s life revolves around the possibility of death. throughout the series, it’s implied that fighters like soubi dont tend to live very long and that soubi is ‘old’ for a fighter. many characters also tell him, to his face, that soubi should have already killed himself and that he didnt deserve to live after seimei’s ‘death’ and that he’d be better off dead. soubi has one reason why he didn’t kill himself after seimei’s death and seemed to be passively suicidal then, too. but, above all, soubi wants out. you know the only way that soubi has been told that he can get out from seimei’s rule? the only way he could leave the life he currently leads? by dying.

(the ol’ ‘ha ha you’ll be dead and in the ground before i ever do that’ routine)

seimei tells soubi here that the only way he can leave or escape is if he dies. seimei makes that very clear, and this scene and the chapters that follow it are some of the most distressing chapters for soubi. something is very clearly wrong with him in these chapters. while soubi can be a hard character to understand, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that soubi is not acting like he usually does. he’s catatonic and depressed. hes refusing food and seems to be lost in his thoughts all the time. he looks like hes in immense pain at every second. he does not look or sound good at all. on top of this, other characters comment on it too.

let’s also talk about that last image a little, too. mikado calls soubi out for drifting away after soubi gets lost in what seems to be a hallucination. i say hallucination because during it, even soubi seems a bit surprised at the outcomes of certain things, though he doesn’t question it. if it were a fantasy or a daydream, he wouldn’t be shocked by, say, ritsuka being able to get permission to stay over at his apartment. and after being taken out of that moment, soubi does seem a little disorientated and not sure where he is, as seen in the way he reaches out for the rain and doesn’t appear to be able to respond.

soubi hallucinates during the battle about his home life and specifically, about the small family he’s built for himself involving ritsuka, natsuo, youji, and kio. in this hallucination, he takes care of the three kids and has ritsuka’s friends over and even comments that it’d be nice to live together. the threat of seimei or of being attacked by opposing teams doesn’t seem to exist in this small world of soubi’s, and he doesn’t seem particularly worried about anything. aside from a comment he makes about shutting ritsuka’s mother up, he seems fairly normal, even. and then he’s torn away from it and put back into the battle, at which point he makes this comment:

soubi’s thoughts in this moment definitely read as an admission of guilt and reluctance. hes very upset in this moment, after being torn away from a reality he’d created to try to deal with things, and he’s realizing that there’s no one around who will comfort him and tell him that it’s alright, and that things are only going to continue to get worse. from this monologue, soubi also seems to not want to fight moonless at all. he doesnt seem to want to participate in the battle, but he’s acknowledging that he doens’t have a choice. soubi doesnt want any part in this battle, and id even wager to say that hes on moonless’s side and wants seimei apprehended. however, he also seems to know that if he fights, that won’t happen. it was the same at seven voices--soubi very clearly did not want to let seimei escape and he did willingly chase him down with ritsuka, but was forced to let him get away with it and then locked down afterwards due to shock and guilt, even going as far as to try to convince ritsuka that he was a bad person afterwards.

soubi really, really seems to want to be ‘good’ and do what the ‘good’ people want him to do. he didnt argue with ritsu at seven voices when ritsu told him to apprehend seimei, and he went as far as to talk back at seimei when he thought seimei was patronizing ritsuka. he didnt want to break that window and allow seimei to get away, but he had to. soubi is a character who seems to very much want to be ‘good’, but is forced to keep doing ‘bad’ things. throughout the series, soubi seems to have learned morals to an extent and now recognizes the difference between right and wrong, and no longer seems to believe that everything seimei does is right.

it’s very clear that he wants out, from telling seimei that it’d be fine to be abandoned to being catatonic at the house to hesitating and hallucinating a fantasy about a better home life during the moonless battle to seeming upset that he’s the one doing these things. however, soubi has no way out. seimei will not kill him. for reasons unknown to me, seimei seems to particularly want soubi to suffer, and seimei is smart enough to know that death would end soubi’s suffering. soubi is strong enough to the point that moonless, who’s supposedly beloved’s match, can’t defeat him. no other team has even come close to defeating him. nisei isn’t going to kill him. soubi can’t run away--he doesn’t have the willpower to, and what would be the point, anyways? the last time he got out from seimei, after seimei’s ‘death’, seimei let him build up happiness and then came right back around and took it all away from him. seimei is never going to leave him alone, and as long as seimei is alive, he’s going to want soubi to suffer. and soubi still thinks of soubi as some sort of god, meaning that soubi doesn’t see seimei as being able to die or even be captured. not that soubi has the willpower to be any sort of cause of death to him, anyways.

this leaves one thing–if soubi wants out, hes going to have to die. seimei would not willingly give him up, since seimei seems to want to cause soubi as much pain as possible, and i dont see soubi as the type who would actually be able to successfully run away and break things off from seimei and even if he did, seimei would find out new ways to take everything away from him. for soubi, it’s completely hopeless, because no matter what he does, seimei is just going to take everything away from him over and over again, as he’s been shown to do.

on top of all this, forcing soubi to repeat an oath clearly caused him great distress during the battle, even if it helped him win. the oath itself is important, as well, since it gave voice to soubi’s thoughts and worst fears--that there’s only seimei. there is nothing else. nothing else matters. there will always be only seimei. while seimei may view this oath as a forced declaration of soubi’s ‘devotion’ towards him, soubi seems to see it as a terrible fate, like repeating this oath only solidified the fact that he will never, ever escape seimei.

as a result of being forced to do that and subsequently realizing that theres no way out, that this is going to be the rest of his miserable life, and that he’s just going to be in horrible emotional pain for the rest of his days when he’d had about a year of happiness with a family that he’d built for himself–it’s going to trigger something in soubi deeper than the near-catatonia that we saw before the moonless battle, and i think itll push soubi into a territory that can be labelled as actively suicidal.

suicide itself has been talked about vaguely in the series before, too. in the beginnings of loveless, teams told soubi directly that he should’ve killed himself and that he was better off dead. at one point, early in loveless, ritsuka asks soubi what would happen if seimei ordered soubi to hurt ritsuka. soubi responds by telling ritsuka that he’d kill himself first before he could do anything to ritsuka. any and all talk about suicide in the series seems to be directed at soubi and no one else, and this could easily be seen as foreshadowing.

im almost done with this one, but there’s also yun saying that the climax would involve soubi realizing that it does matter and him making a choice about what he wants. this could quite possibly be the realization that he could do something about this and the choice whether or not to push himself over an edge that he’s on. ill get to this in another post, but i strongly believe that unfortunately, soubi is a character who has been set up to die, and i think that making this choice would have a huge effect on every character and following event in the story.

at this point, soubi has despaired and abandoned everything. he doesnt care about himself or others. we’re undeniably at this point right now. and with the way soubi is and his mental state currently, the choice that he makes may very well be to kill himself. it would set off a huge chain of events in the series and would effect everyone. soubi is a character who has some sort of non-neutral relationship with almost every character in the series. very few don’t hold feelings one way or another towards him (mikado and seven being the biggest two). everyone else seems to either hate him with a passion or feel positively towards him. his death would effect every single one of these characters and the world, given that soubi is a main player in it and is said to be the best fighter.

going along with that, it would be a fitting climax and a resolution for the problem of seimei. seimei would be left without soubi in what would be perhaps the largest show of defiance possible. he might still have nisei, if he didn’t already discard him in some way or another after the initial moonless battle. seimei would essentially be left with nothing, and it would come down to the fact that all his power lays in the people he’s manipulated and abused his entire life.

there’s also the possibility of soubi attempting at some point after the rematch, perhaps when he’s back with ritsuka, or soubi making the decision at the climax that his life does matter and that he can get out of this somehow.

regardless, im fairly certain that the rest of soubi’s storyline right up until the moonless rematch and subsequent climax will be showing him falling deeper and deeper into despair and losing his grip on reality even more than he has currently. i also believe that it’ll show seimei in an even more negative light, given his attitude involving the first moonless battle.

the rest of this series will be about ritsuka’s doings to come, since i think soubi’s story from here until the rematch will be about his deteriorating mental state.

#loveless #agatsuma soubi #aoyagi ritsuka #aoyagi seimei #akame nisei #soubi agatsuma #ritsuka aoyagi #seimei aoyagi #nisei akame #theory #post moonless battle series #my content

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