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(1/2) Hi, I need help - I don't know who to go to. Don't feel you need to answer this question, I'm just so lost right now & have been for a long time. I am nearing 25 yrs old & I still am no where near completing my BA degree. I have completed only one year of my degree & I'm taking a year out. I've been a student at a different uni before but dropped out & now I'm taking a yr out from my second attempt at uni. I am severely mentally ill & I am too scared to write essays; I feel I am too ...

(2/2) stupid & I'm scared to fail. I feel like I'm the biggest failure. I am supposed to be going back in January but I have no idea how... I will be studying alongside people much younger than me & have no friends there & I'm not good at connecting with people. I just don't know what the heck to do. My brain is rotting in the mean time, I'm too ill to work or study so feel like the biggest waste of space on earth. I want to achieve things but I seem destined for failure and misery. :'(

Oh love, if I could give you a hug right now I really would I am sorry you have had to go through so much so early on in your life (you are still young, don’t listen to what your head says, 25 is not old in the slightest! and yes it might be a little older than the 18 year old freshers straight out of college but in the grand scheme of things that honestly does not matter). It sounds like you have had a LOT to deal with over the years and I am sorry to hear that. I know how tough having to leave uni is, so I want you to know that I *understand* as much as I can and that these things do NOT make you a ‘failure’ or destined for misery’ - not in the SLIGHTEST. Would you say that to me if I said those things? would you say the same to anyone else? No. You are not the exception. You ARE worth fighting for and you are worth saving. Life can be cruel and can throw some really tough hands at us but this is NOT how things always have to be. The future is not yet written, and we are the ones that hold the power to shape what they could hold. 

I don’t want this to come out the wrong way so I am really sorry if it does but do you really think you are ready to go back to University? It sounds like you still have a lot of mental recovery to be focusing on and that heading back, even in the next couple of months, might not be the best thing for you. I know that taking out more time might be a really hard decision to make but at the end of the day you have to put your health first. Would it be bad of me to ask whether you have considered an admission? I don’t usually suggest an IP stay but it sounds like you are in a bit of a hole at the moment and maybe a short admission (or a longer one) could help you to get out of this rut? To me it sounds like you are still really struggling with the side affects that often arise from malnutrition like not being able to concentrate/retain information/social exclusion and it sounds like going back to studying would likely be far too much for you right now. I hope that doesn’t come across as rude and I obviously don’t know you or your situation but please please just think about the options you have in front of you. This is not how the rest of your life has to be, it CAN be different. However in order for that to be possible, something does need to change (as hard as that is to accept, change can only come about through action and doing things differently to how we might have done them before).

Please know that this does NOT make you a failure in any way/shape/form. We are all going along different paths in life and sometimes it can feel like we are doing things “wrong” but the truth is that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to go through life. Unfortunately some people come up against many hardships in life and that is tough for ANYONE, so please do not think that you are a failure or that you have done anything “wrong” because of what you have been through. This is a life destroying illness that IS NOT your fault, you did not ask to suffer from it and sadly mental illnesses aren’t something that we can ‘control’ whether we suffer from or not. I really want to appeal to you to reach out to any of the support network that you have around you; are you currently seeking and engaging in treatment? Are there others that you could reach out to a little more to help you along a bit during this difficult time? I really wish that there was something I could say/do to help you and reassure you that there are better days ahead of you. please please speak to someone, anyone, your parents, a close friend, your GP, a support worker, please reach out, you do NOT have to go through this alone. I really will be keeping you close in my thoughts and hoping that things start to take a turn for the better for you soon. Take care love xxx