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dhwty-writes · 4 years

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Chapter 10 - The Contrast of Compassion and Contempt

This was a surprisingly easy chapter to write, given that I had absolutely no idea what was supposed to happen until I wrote it. Here's to hoping it won't mess up the timeline.

Thanks as always to @persony-pepper for betaing!

Summary: Geralt is back at Lettenhove Hall and Jaskier is coping. Or at least trying to, as both Geralt and Ciri do their best to shatter the fragile balance on a razor blade that defines their relationship.

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Prologue | previous | next

The alderman of Saltwall was a fool and a bloody coward, too. Jaskier was very pleased to discover that - so pleased, in fact that he greeted Geralt with a smile on his face when the witcher trudged into his study.

"'To The Right Honourable The Viscount Lettenhove, Julian Alfred Pankratz'," he recited as he leaned against his desk, crossing his ankles, "'I offer to you my sincerest apologies for the recent misunderstanding. It is my deepest regret to relay to you that the honoured Master Geralt of Rivia' — do you hear that, Geralt, I quite like the sound of it — 'indicated in no way that he was affiliated with you' — oh, fun, that's some fodder for the rumour mill." He cleared his throat and read on: "'I assure you, it was not my intention to slight you or yours. In hopes of amending this misstep, I send to you and your witcher this recompensation consisting of three hundred crowns.' Melitele's tits, Geralt, what on earth was the agreed sum?" Jaskier tossed him the coin purse.

"Hundred and fifty," he replied and weighed the purse in his hand. "I assume you want half of it?"

He dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "Keep it. This is much better, listen to this: 'I trust that no bad blood remains between us, as you are one of my most esteemed neighbours.' That's the best he could come up with? Ridiculous. But wait, here comes the best part: 'Also, I extend the humble invitation to you and your household to come and dine with my wife and me in Saltwall.'" He lowered the parchment and grinned widely. "What do you think, Geralt? Should we accept? I'd love to see his face when I show up with the sixty-odd members of my household."

Geralt huffed what could almost be a laugh. "Fuck, J- my lord. What did you write in your first letter to get that kind of response?"

"Oh, that was easy," he said almost bored. "I politely informed him that you were there on my orders, and that I am greatly displeased with the lack of financial compensation for your hard work. I also reminded him that his liege and I had studied in Oxenfurt together, and that I am soon due to visit my old friend, who would surely be interested in his activities. Oh, and I might have implied that I slept with his unmarried sister."

Now he was certain that Geralt was laughing. "Poor man. He had no idea what he'd gotten himself into."

"What can I say? I am a master of my craft." He bowed with a flourish.

When he straightened his back again, Geralt was rolling his eyes fondly. "You're incorrigible."

"Maybe so," he allowed the teasing. "It gets me what I want, though."

"Hmm," Geralt made and crossed his arms. "And what's that?"

An icy hand gripped his heart. 'I told you,' his mind screamed. 'I asked you to come with me. And you walked away.' But that had been a lifetime ago. "Well, that depends." Jaskier forced his expression to go blank. "Primarily, though, none of your business."

"Right. I'm sorry, my lord." He could tell Geralt was mocking him.

Still, he answered: "You are forgiven, my witcher."

They were silent for a bit, Jaskier unwilling to budge first. To his everlasting joy, Geralt caved. He talked a lot since their reunion - comparably at least. Jaskier enjoyed this development immensely. "Are you going to accept the invitation?"

"I'm thinking about it. It would be rather satisfying to have that bastard bowing and scraping to you, wouldn't it? That would teach him."

"Hmm," Geralt made. "Or he'd be twice the arse to the next witcher to get back at you."

Jaskier frowned deeply. "No, you're completely right. That would be awful, we won't do that." His fingers danced to a rapid rhythm on the desk while thoughts chased each other through his mind. Then, thankfully, one of them slowed down enough for him to grasp it. "Oh, that's better still!" He wheeled around, pulling parchment and a quill from his desk, and started penning the response.

He'd written one and a half pages already when he was startled from the daze he was in: "What are you writing?" Geralt asked and peered over his shoulder. Jaskier very nearly dropped his quill. The witcher was close enough that he could feel his breath against the back of his neck and the heat radiating from his body. A shiver ran down his spine, and Jaskier wasn't quite sure if it was pleasant or not. Geralt reached out and moved the page he was writing on, to better examine the one beneath it. He didn't retract his arm just yet, though, but put his hand next to Jaskier's hip, leaning on the desk, and thus greatly restricting his movement.

Once he would have rejoiced for any chance to get this close to the witcher when he wasn't gravely injured or dying. Now, it made his skin crawl. Jaskier scarcely dared to move, but turned his head to see Geralt frown. "What?" Jaskier asked, amused.

"Is it some kind of joke? I don't get it."

He snorted a laugh. "Yes, witcher, it is. You should ask your daughter about it, she'd understand it." The frown on his face deepened beyond what seemed humanly possible and Jaskier quickly kept on talking: "It's an insult, you see? 'As pleased as I am to get invited to the famed court of Saltwall, it would greatly trouble me to infringe upon your winter stores. Though, I do have plans to visit my brother-in-law in Goldfurt this winter and should be overcome with joy to meet you there to renew our fleeting acquaintance.' It's-" He waved his hand impatiently. "It's a reminder that visiting Saltwall is beneath me and that I have better options. It's also a remark on the fact that he wanted to scam you claiming he didn't have enough. And a whole lot of other things. Would take some time to pick all of that apart."

"Hmm. Not looking forward to seeing him in Goldfurt, though."

"What makes you think you'll be in Goldfurt?" he teased him and snickered when his face fell. "Don't worry, witcher, it's another taunt. The Baron of Goldfurt would never invite someone as insignificant as the alderman of Saltwall. No danger of us running into him there."

A smile tugged at his lip. "Clever."

"Compliments will get you nowhere," he scolded, a bit more harshly than strictly needed, perhaps. He waved his hand dismissively. "Go now. I have unfinished business to attend to."

Geralt sighed and leaned in a hairbreadth closer before pushing off the desk. "As my lord commands."

Only when the door closed behind him, Jaskier could breathe freely again. His knees gave out beneath him and he dropped onto his chair like a puppet whose strings have been cut. He ran a shaky hand over his face, trying desperately to sort his thoughts again. This was not good. First the worry, now the nervousness… This was not good at all.

It wasn't exactly as if being close to Geralt was unpleasant, quite the contrary. It was just that it was unbidden. Unwanted. Undeserved.

He had left all of those feelings behind him on that mountain. With his return to Lettenhove, he had rid himself of all his silly fancies in order to become the pretty, tame little songbird his parents had craved all along.

After everything they'd been through, it felt wrong. It was so awfully familiar when it shouldn't be. It probably would be easy to just act as if nothing had happened. To fall back into that familiar pattern of teasing each other, maybe even something more and yet-

Jaskier couldn’t pretend the mountain hadn’t happened. He couldn’t pretend he hadn’t returned to the place he had vowed to shun of the rest of his life, and that he couldn’t leave again. He couldn’t pretend he hadn’t spent ten long months nursing a broken heart over someone who had never been his in the first place, that he hadn’t heard a word from Geralt for one and a half years - that had never happened before, not in sixteen years. He couldn't just forget that he had offered up his soul up on that mountain and that there still hadn't been so much as a talk about it, much less an apology. And he certainly couldn’t pretend that it was all fine.

Silence would be easy. Silence would be what they'd always done. They'd never talked about the djinn, never talked about Cintra, about any of the times when Geralt had broken his heart without even knowing. His conversation with Ciri came to his mind. That wasn't making up. That was suffering in silence. And he was done with that.

He stood and straightened his doublet. 'No,' he decided. Until they actually talked, there would be no repeat performance of whatever had just happened.

It was later that day when Jaskier almost fell to his death down the stairs of his tower as a giggling quartet of children raced past him. "Stop right there!" The Viscount shouted, and three of the four followed his command immediately. "What is it I have to see here?" He caught Ciri by the scruff of her neck. "What do you think you're doing, cousin?"

She giggled and writhed in his grasp. "Jaskier!" The three serving girls stared at her as if she'd grown a second head and one of them even mouthed 'Don't!' in warning. "We're just playing, let go of me already!"

He eyed the others warily, who quickly averted their gaze. They were certainly not company fit for the heiress to the Cintran throne. "Beggin' your pardon, m'lord," one of them. They made her happy, though.

"That's not what I mean," he said not unkindly. "I am talking to you, young lady, and about your foot."

"My foot is fine," she insisted. She pulled up her skirts and wriggled it around to prove it. "See?"

"Hmm," he said. "Did you talk to Wera about it?"

"I did!" she insisted. "She said it would be fine if I didn't jump and run around too much."

"And you think sprinting up my staircase is within the determined parameters?"

She looked up at him with large eyes. "Please, Jaskier," she begged. "Please let me play a bit longer. Only today."

'Oh,' he realised as a cruel fist clenched around his heart. 'She's lonely.' And how could he deny her when he had suffered the same strangling solitude of these cold grey halls for so long? "It's alright," he said and gently stroked her hair. "Run along now, we'll talk later."

Later turned out to be two days later after he had weathered another disagreement with Geralt — gods, as soon as the door closed behind the witcher he couldn't even remember what it had been about anymore. In that moment, he had understood the urge to batter something with a sword very well. He didn't follow through with it, though. He would most likely only make a fool of himself.

Instead he buried himself in his work. It had just been an excuse for the alderman at first, but the letter he had written had gotten him thinking. He probably should reconnect with his old friends from Oxenfurt — most were bards, just like he had been, but some held their own lands now. 'The jolly days of our youth are past,' he thought bitterly, 'we have to settle down if we don't want to die as we lived: strolling minstrels in an unmarked grave.'

So, he had begun writing them again, inquiring about fiancées he'd seduced and brother's he'd bedded, racking his brain for any kind of information about them besides their relatives he'd spent lovely nights with. He couldn't come up with a lot. He only hoped there would be some kind of payoff for all the trouble.

When he was just trying to remember the name of a particularly handsome set of twins he’d met at a ball once, Ciri walked in without even knocking. "Hello, Jaskier," she greeted him and hopped onto one of the side tables.

"Hello, Ciri," he answered, continuing to write his letter. He was almost done when he noticed that his study was silent safe for the scratching of his quill — the usual chatter that began as soon as Ciri walked through a door suspiciously missing. He put the quill down and tilted his head. "Are you quite alright, darling girl?"

She shrugged and stared down onto her dangling feet. 'Oh-oh,' he thought, 'that's not good.'

"What's the matter, Ciri, talk to me," he beckoned. When she still did not answer he continued: "Are you unhappy?"

"That's not it," she said quietly.

"Then what is?"

"I think Geralt is sad," she admitted finally.

"Oh?" Jaskier stood and moved to sit on the edge of his desk. "Why do you think so?"

"I think he is sad that he can't train me like he did before anymore. He kept talking about how it all reminded him of Kaer Morhen. He doesn't do that anymore. He's also very grumpy." Before he could say anything, she held up a hand to shut him up — a gesture she seemed to have picked up from him — and continued: "Even grumpier than usual."

"Even grumpier?" he asked incredulously. "Dear girl, you have to be mistaken. That cannot be possible."

"It is!" she whined. More quietly she added: "Make it stop."

Whatever clever remark he had prepared died on his lips. She sounded so earnestly, so heartbroken, so- "Alright," he heard himself say. "I'll make it right again."

"Great!" she answered. Grinning widely, she pecked him on the cheek before running off again. He stared after her for a long time, wondering what on earth had possessed him to make such a promise he couldn't hope to keep.

It was almost time for dinner when he finally came up with a plan and made his way to the guardroom. "Evening," he greeted the gathered men cheerily. There were about five of them, gathered around a table where Geralt and Borys were engaged in a round of Gwent. They didn't even look up, eyes on the cards and the pile of gold between them. "Is Marin here?"

"In his room, m'lord," one of the others, whose name Jaskier couldn't recall, answered.

He nodded his thanks and made his way up the short flight of stairs to the Captain of the Guard's room. Without knocking he opened the door. Marin was sat on a stool, bent over a tarnished mirror, and shaving with a rather blunt razor. 'Should I increase the salary, maybe?' Jaskier wondered, but that was a thought for another time. He cleared his throat quietly.

Marin nicked himself and cursed loudly before turning to see who it was. "My lord!" He leapt to his feet and knocked the stool over in the process. "I didn't-"

"Relax, Marin," he said tiredly, "and sit down again, for Melitele's sake, She knows you deserve the rest."

"Right," he said warily and righted the chair, still hesitant to sit while Jaskier was standing. Instead of waiting out the internal debate of his Captain, he simply sat down on the shaky desk in the corner. Finally, Marin did as he had told him. "Why exactly are you here, my lord?"

"I wanted to thank you," he answered honestly. "For your advice, when-" his voice broke without his permission.

A kind smile spread on Marin's face. "You're welcome, my lord."

Jaskier wet his lips with his tongue. "I've also come to request another piece of advice."

"I'll be glad to oblige."

"How do you train your guards?" he asked bluntly.

"I- I beg your pardon? I-" Marin stuttered, clearly taken aback.

Jaskier tried not to sigh in annoyance. "No, you haven't misheard. How do you train your guards?"

"Well, there's drills. For longbows and crossbows, swords, too. Halberds, sometimes. I teach some of the lads how to ride, the most promising ones. And I have them trek through the forest with heavy bags. That’s about it."

"Hm," he said and frowned deeply. 'That's not exactly what I'm looking for here.' He took a moment before continuing: "And, theoretically, if you wanted to train their reflexes as well as their agility, how would you go about that?"

Marin raised his eyebrows. "Theoretically?" he parroted.

"Theoretically," Jaskier confirmed.

Slowly, he said: "Theoretically, as in... similar to balancing on railings or barrels?"

"Theoretically, yes."

"In that case, theoretically, I guess I'd build a structure I could put my trust in. Not too high above the ground, I'll wager. Beams and monkey bars, even a quintain or two, maybe. It would train her reflexes to respond to unexpected blows — theoretically, of course. And I'd definitely pad the floor with something soft. Bales of straw or something.."

"Hm." Now that was something he could work with. Well, not Jaskier himself necessarily, he'd definitely need help for that. "And, theoretically, could you draw the plans for that?"

Marin seemed to consider the idea for a moment. "Theoretically, I could."

"Good man."

"I'll have them by you within the week, my lord."

Jaskier flashed him a bright smile and opened the door. "I'm looking forward to it," he said with a wink, "theoretically."

He went back down to the guardroom and was greeted by wolf whistles by some of the older guards who he had known in his youth. 'When did the boys I grew up and trained with become the older guards?' he wondered absentmindedly. Geralt was still playing Gwent, although with another opponent.

"And what business did you have with the Captain, Master Julian?" Borys asked with a lewd grin.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he replied and made a show of blowing him a kiss.

The wolf whistles grew loud again and Borys laughed. "I believe I would, m'lord. Care to show me?"

His smile froze on his face. "Maybe later."

The guard sitting next to Borys jabbed him in the ribs sharply. "That's a no," he stage-whispered and the guards laughed.

Jaskier was still thinking of a smooth reply when Geralt suddenly threw down his cards and exclaimed: "Fuck!"

His opponent laughed heartily, quickly scooped up the coins between them, and hid them from Jaskier's view. Not that he cared. He still clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "Gambling away your earnings already, witcher?"

"Not anymore," he grumbled and stowed his cards away. "I'm done for today." He stood and walked over to Jaskier who regarded him with a raised eyebrow.

"Waiting for something?"

"You're blocking the door. My lord."

"Right." Jaskier reached behind himself and turned the knob. "Enjoy your evening," he called to the guards before opening the door and waving Geralt through.

As soon as the door shut behind them, the voices started up again but Jaskier couldn't tell what they were saying. Geralt, though, turned beet-red and hunched his shoulders, apparently trying to get away as fast as possible.

"What are they talking about?" Jaskier asked with amusement.

"Nothing important," Geralt muttered and held the door to the courtyard open for Jaskier. They had almost crossed it when he spoke up again: "You aren't sleeping with any of them."

"Why the sudden interest in my sex life? You only ever cared about whose pants I kept out of not whose pants I got into."

"Hmm," Geralt made and eyed him up. "I thought I knew you, my lord."

He couldn't keep from flinching. 'You did,' he wanted to tell him. 'You were the only person I didn't put on a show for. And see where that got me.' But he wasn't quite ready to lead that conversation, yet. "Well, I changed."

"I'm aware," the witcher answered. 'Why does he sound so sad?' "I'm trying to get to know you again."

He bit his tongue, almost hard enough to draw blood again. But they had reached the East Wing now and he didn't want either of his sisters to witness whatever needed to be said between them. He sighed. "No, I'm not," he answered the earlier question. “Sleeping with them, that is.”

"Will you tell me why?" Geralt opened the door for him.

"Maybe later," Jaskier answered honestly. "This is no conversation for dinner." With that he shouldered the doors to the dining room open.

"Julian!" Ciri said excitedly, who had quickly learned not to call him Jaskier in front of his sisters. She smiled brightly, and after that it was easy to get into character, grinning widely and chattering away. The princess was a very useful prop when it came to him wearing that particular mask.

"Hello, cousin," he greeted her and went to press a kiss to her forehead. "How was your training today?"

"Boring." She wrinkled her nose. "I'm not allowed to run or do cartwheels at all. Only footwork. Geralt says I'll injure my ankle again elsewise."

"And he's very right about that," he told her and took his place at the head of the table as Geralt sat down at his right. He waved his hand to signal for the servants to bring the food and continued: "Just imagine if you twisted it again, or, Melitele forbid, broke it. You wouldn't be able to leave your room for weeks on end!"

The horror on her face made him chuckle and dig into his food, too, beckoning his sisters to talk about their days. Afterwards they moved their conversation to the Fireplace Room, where Janina and Józefa took up their needlework.

"So, witcher," Józia asked after settling into a steady rhythm, "you returned from your hunt in the woods."

"I did," he agreed as he sat down in the armchair across from Jaskier.

"Tell us about it, will you?" It wasn't a question.

Geralt's glance flickered to Jaskier, as if asking for permission. He raised an eyebrow and his lips curled into the tiniest of smiles. After a moment of consideration, he raised his goblet of mulled wine to Geralt, beckoning him to carry on.

Janina snorted rudely and stood. "Forgive me, my lord," she said tersely, "but I do not think I have to listen to that. May I retire for the night?"

He swirled the wine in his cup, contemplating it. For a moment he considered telling her no — she had lost the bet, after all. Then again, he wasn't cruel. Janina had her reasons for her resentment against witchers just like he had his for his reverence. It was a topic best left untouched within Lettenhove's walls. He waved his hand dismissively and she hastily fled the scene.

"What-" Ciri began but Józefa shook her head.

"Not now, child," she said quietly. Facing Geralt she asked: "Well?"

Jaskier could basically feel him grinding his teeth and was more than a little surprised when the witcher broke into the probably most detailed story about his adventures Jaskier had ever heard from his mouth. He even included details like the frankly hilarious name of the pig, Sam the Ham, he had shared a bedstead with.

When he was done, Jaskier was still feeling eerie as he always did after hearing a particularly compelling story and stood from his armchair. "Walk with me?" he asked Geralt.

The witcher looked up at him funnily. "Sure, my lord."

The night was crisp — freezing almost, and Jaskier gladly accepted the warm cloak a servant brought him hurriedly before they could climb the battlements. "My, my," he said quietly, "it seems like I'm not the only one who changed. Where's the taciturn witcher I fe-" He bit his tongue. "-I travelled with?"

"Hm," Geralt said and Jaskier was almost about to make another comment when the witcher already continued talking: "I don't know, my lord, but I was travelling with a bard named Jaskier. He might know the answer."

"You-" Jaskier gasped indignantly, fumbling for words. Geralt just raised his eyebrows. A challenge. An invitation. Jaskier was tempted to accept. But when wasn't Geralt a temptation for him? "Fine," he said curtly. "I'll ask him."

"Do tell me when you do," he leaned against the merlon as Jaskier sat down between two of them. "I'd like to have a few words with him myself."

He looked up and tilted his head, stubbornly ignoring the fluttering feeling in his gut and the song lyrics in his mind when he saw him bathed in silvery moonlight. 'I once loved a man as white as snow / His skin was deathly pale / His hair a silvery moonlit veil / His eyes two golden suns / After decades of scorn I was once again shunned / But I loved him even so.' He sighed and tore his eyes away. "All in due time, witcher," he whispered, "All in due time..."

"Hm," he answered and took to staring into the night as well.

It was a strange but still familiar silence that settled between them. Once upon a time it would have been filled with chatter and songs and jabs. But still, as the white puffs of their breath mingled in the cold, Jaskier relaxed for the first time in weeks. Because that was Geralt, the White Wolf, standing beside him and he was still Jaskier the Bard somewhere deep down inside, and that still counted for something.

"It wouldn't be fair to them," Jaskier broke the silence at last.

"What wouldn't be?"

"Sleeping with them. They are sworn to be at best, my subjects and property at worst. They can't refuse. It wouldn't be right. That's not the kind of lord I want to be."

"I thought you didn't want to be any kind of lord, my lord," Geralt answered and began inspecting him instead. It made Jaskier's skin crawl with unease. 'I'm weak, my love, and I am wanting,' another line came to his mind. 'Please,' he begged weakly, resisting the urge to recoil beneath the merciless glare, 'I cannot be found wanting again.'

"I don't," he said bitterly, "Alas, I already am. Might as well do my best."

"Hmm."

"My father was that kind of lord," he said without really knowing why, "my grandfather was, too. I suspect half the garrison consists of my siblings and cousins."

"He wasn't a good lord, then?"

"No,” he said quietly, “and he wasn't a good person either."

"Hmm." Finally, Geralt looked away. "At least his son turned out well enough. Don't know about you being a lord, but I know that you're not a bad person."

Jaskier blinked in surprise. "Thank you, Geralt," he said and resisted the urge to take his hand.

To his surprise it was Geralt who grasped for his fingers instead. "Hmm," he made, warming them between his palms. Jaskier ignored how his heart skipped a beat. "Get inside, my lord, and get to bed. Before you freeze to death."

"Right," he breathes, his words blowing out in the night air like the clouds of his breath. "Goodnight, witcher."

"Goodnight, my lord. Sleep well."

#My writing #OWBABH #geraskier #geralt x jaskier #geralt of rivia #jaskier #geraskier fanfiction #geralt/jaskier #of witchers bards and broken hearts #cirilla of cintra

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saboddicted · 6 years

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Some thoughts on V’s route on Mystic Messenger (SPOILERS!)

So, heyyyyy... I haven’t used tumblr properly in a very long while. In fact I barely post here, all I do is casually reblog and like stuff. However, today was the day I finished V’s route in MysMes and I have a lot to say about it.

Ever since it came out that I was very excited to play it because V is my second favorite character alongside Jumin and after Seven. I couldn’t play it right away because work is a bitch and schedules are a bitch and MysMes requires some attention at specific hours so I waited until I was on vacation. When people began to head towards the juicy parts of the story I started to see so much hatred towards V that I was scared to play it but I was curious to know what the fuss was about. AND BOY WHAT A RIDE IT WAS. I took several screenshots to help me prove my points. Apologies if the order is all over the place, Tumblr isn’t the best for text + photo posts. Also yeah, sorry about my on-screen name of the game showing up.

First of all I want to begin by saying that I now see Rika with other eyes but I haven’t changed my opinion on V. To be fair, I never doubted that he truly cares about everyone. He might have hid a lot of shit but I sincerely doubt that his love and care towards the RFA was a charade. And that includes Rika.

Let us not forget that from the beggining that V seemed to feel regret for what happened to Rika as he knew she wasn’t dead and had instead formed the Mint Eye cult. This, honestly, was something that was obvious since the very first time I played this game.

Listen, I’m not here trying to full on defend V because I completely understand that he did shit wrong - very wrong - but please hear me out until the end. I’m making this as unbiased as possible.

I’d also like to point out that one of the very few people that ACTUALLY had some fair judgement in all of this was Jumin. He knows V better than anyone else in the RFA and besides he’s not really one to take sides unless it is appropriate.

He really didn’t.

Now, that’s not to say I agree with V’s method. Much like Rika, he also had the right intentions with the wrong method. I don’t agree that hiding secrets will make anything better but in V’s mind that was his way of helping the RFA so that they wouldn’t get hurt. I understand his POV. We as humans sometimes perceive that what seems right for us may not be right or harmless to others. V just wouldn’t say anything no matter what and instead was willing to sacrifice himself to save everyone - including poor MC who was tricked into thinking she was playing a game and talking to AIs like a dumbass - and that that sacrifice would sufice and put an end to everything.

Now, I can totally understand his reasoning. Again, his intentions were good. Still, that doesn't change the fact that he continued to lie about Rika's whereabouts - that she wasn't dead - and what she had truly become. Not to mention Saeran. We all know from Seven's route that Saeran (or Ray) is his twin brother. This was honestly the only thing that bothered me to the end. Once more he wanted to protect Seven from the truth and never - ever - told him that his brother was in a deplorable mental state and that he was, in fact, the hacker he was fighting the whole time and who's now - supposedly - dead. I'm holding on to the hope that he escaped, to be honest. If there is no body, there is no death!! That's what I've learned from One Piece.

I want to talk about Saeran/Ray for a bit now. He was the main reason why I despised Rika so much. To this day I still can't agree with her actions but I'll talk more about her after.

I'd like to take a trip to the past when Saeran first met V and Rika. Seven entrusted his precious twin brother to them and as far as I remember it was Rika who gave Saeran the hacking book. The Secret Ends also showed us what he suffered while he was in the Mint Eye and how his mind was bent and twisted into hate towards V but most importantly towards his own brother. The brother Saeran always admired and loved so much. As a result from all the drugs and elixirs, Saeran's mind was absolutely shattered. It broke my heart everytime I chatted with him and everytime he called. It was absolutely devastating.

Someone please hug this boy.

Ah, of course... How could I confuse the two...

Okay, I said this would be unbiased and I'm standing to that. The Mint Eye is awful and what Rika did to Saeran is unforgiving but V also did wrong by standing there and watching all of this happen all out of fear of hurting others and not being trusted anymore. Of course that lying and hiding stuff is what ultimately makes someone not trust other people but it was like he couldn't think of anything else. Fear had absolutely blinded him.

I know Seven would be very hurt if he found out but I'm also aware that he has the right to know. He SHOULD know. He should know what was going on with his brother and yet neither V nor Rika have told him a thing. V was an accomplice and that can be just as bad. Whether he was afraid or not he should've been the one stepping forward.

But know let's talk a bit about Rika. I changed my mind a lot about her on some things but the one thing that still bothers me is... how can people defend what she did? Don't try to give me the "she's mentally ill" bullshit because we all know that just because you suffer from depression and other sorts of complicated mental disorders that doesn't mean you'll go around creating a freaking religious cult that uses bizarre methods of "salvation" to make people "happy". Rika most likely suffers from a multiple personality disorder - it seemed very clear from her chats.

No, thanks.

With this I agree to some degree.

Listen. I understand. I'm not disregarding mental issues as I am very well aware that the struggle is hard. I'm not putting Rika down for that. In fact, throughout my whole playthrough I tried to be as comprehensive as I could without letting myself get fooled by her words. She needs help but she doesn't want it. She doesn't accept it. She thinks "our" method is wrong and hers is right. You can argue that they will also drug you at the hospital but I think it's slightly different from, um... torture.

I don't doubt that at some point she loved V as well as I don't doubt that V loved Rika back. And I don't wanna say I told you so, but... I told you so. I've always seen their relationship as toxic and obsessive from BOTH sides. V thought that the way he loved her was right because he did everything she wanted, because he was her sun (seriously, I can't hear the word taeyang anymore), because he has unconditional love and he would still love her even if she hurt him (V, really?). Rika however seemed to me like she was too scared, thinking she wasn't worthy of love. She wanted to test his love and as sickening as it is I know she was terrified. Her whole life Rika had been rejected. Her biological parents, her foster parents... She was just a little girl and no one showed her the slightest bit of love (not including Yoosung, of course). That was until V showed up with his "ideal love like the sun". To me it seems like Rika became addicted to it, to that love, to that attention... at the same time that she had a hard time believing that he loved her. Do you see my point here? Both were trying to prove something to each other and through each other. I can see why Cheritz stated point blank that the core of their relationship wasn't love. Still, I don't doubt at all that they cared about each other. But this kind of behavior... isn’t justifiable.

I hate the yandere face she does ;_;

However, I’d also like to point out something Vanderwood said.

Because, at the end of the day, V didn’t do anything to stop her and that was his biggest mistake.

Listen... Again, I understand that Rika was hurt and life has been nothing but absolute shit for her. I feel for her. But tell me. Is this right? Morals will always vary from person to person but let's put it simply: even if your ex-lover that left you because you denied medical and professional help and you felt hurt, like that person had never loved your "dark side", would you really go out of your way to make them a cripple and wish pain and agony upon them? Well then, Darth Vader - despite being mentally ill or not that would make you a bad person. You can't excuse EVERY ACTION on mental health. It'll only perpetuate the idea that mentally ill people should be disregarded as insane or evil. Rika suffers from severe depression and possible MPD but none of that justifies her actions - towards V, towards Saeran, towards the whole RFA, even towards herself. As much as I feel sorry for Rika nothing EVER justifies what she did. You might like and defend Rika but don't defend her wrongdoings. I understand. I adore V but I also can't defend everything he did. I'm not part of the "V did nothing wrong" group. No, he did a lot wrong. But you know what? Regret and admitting that you've fucked up are important steps towards change.

But Rika wasn’t ready to accept change.

Of course all of this was Rika's downfall as she couldn't accept that her ex-lover was moving on from her. Let's look at things objectively: their relationship was hurting both of them so why carry on? Why continue to be hurt and feel like garbage when you're 100% sure that it will never work out? I will say this again but their relationship was mostly toxic and obsessive and it wouldn't be fair for neither of them to continue living a lie. That being said, I also felt extremely sad for Rika. One of the last chats was absolutely heart-wrenching.

I can’t bring myself to hate Rika anymore but I do despise what she did. I think it’s no use hating on them and it makes me very sad that people genuinely wanted for V to die. How inhumane can you be? This might be a game but wishing upon anyone’s death is a bit much. Sure, I was pissy too when I played Secret End 1 and wanted Rika to go in V’s place but we need to open our eyes and try to understand. V has been punished enough. Rika has been punished enough. They messed up but they’ve already suffered the aftermath. Letting go of the past and get help is important.

Rika didn’t allow anyone to take her “devil” because she was “the darkness” thinking people should love and accept her darkness. While it is true that for you to know happiness you also need some sadness in your life, this was never a matter of not accepting as she was. She was afraid that people wouldn’t love her if she showed how broken she is and misunderstood everyone’s intentions. I’m glad Jumin and Yoosung worked it out and took her away so she can be treated. I don’t think she is completely bad but she’s done wrong. A lot. It was time for her to accept the help instead of blaming herself over and over again. It was just sad to watch.

Thank you, hero Yoosung

As for MC and V’s relationship I think it was well thought out. V wouldn’t be able to immediately love someone again but he began to change with her presence and her words. You might complain about MC having come to wreak havoc but considering everything that went down it was perfectly normal for V to feel attached to someone that genuinely cared for him and wasn’t there to test his love by hurting him (he almost went blind, he was drugged, stabbed... seriously, it’s a bit much). Aside from his mother (and Jumin in some form) V has never felt that warmth. The same could be said about Rika and that was perhaps why she felt like she could get closer to MC, thinking she could actually understand her. It’s complicated, really. Things like this do happen in real life and it’s no one’s fault, to be honest. Sometimes you fall out of love and find it within someone else. You might feel horrible at first but it’s your happiness that’s at stake.

I was glad that V only confessed to MC after coming back, two years later. It didn’t feel like his emotions were rushed and he had enough time to clear his head and start anew. Both V and Rika needed a new start, away from each other, and not make the same mistakes again. They were both in a bad place, mentally. It was as hard for V as it was for Rika. But toxic and abusive relationships.... are just a big no in my book.

TL;DR: I’m still hoping for V to eventually speak up about Saeran (and I hope he isn’t dead) because that is still bothering me. Nonetheless, I can’t bring myself to hate him. I wish people could give him the benefit of the doubt just as much as they give it to Rika. Please understand that he also suffered. He fucked up. Oh, he fucked up BIG TIME. Vanderwood told him he was just as bad as Rika and it is true. He covered up for her. Still, he has been punished enough. So has Rika. Both deserve a new chance at life and love. If it didn’t work out with each other than it’ll maybe work out with other people. Perhaps the writting could’ve been better and less repetitive but he isn’t a bad guy. And all things considered, Rika isn’t either.

And that is it, folks. I think there are screenshots I didn’t use because Tumblr is weird and places them out of order. Not to mention this post is already long enough. Probably no one is gonna read this but if you do, please keep your hateful opinions to yourself. I’d rather read some constructive criticism instead of “I HATE V!!! HE SHOULD DIE!!”. Please gtfo my blog if you’re thinking about commenting something like that. I won’t even accept such words about Rika.

Thanks for your time.

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mm #mymes #v #jihyun #kim #kim jihyun #another story #v's route #rika

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