not get littol man :(

Un-Follow Me Now, This Is Gonna Be The Only Thing I Talk About For The Next Day. I've Been Wanting This For Months Fuck. What The Fuck. /ref

@a-mag-a-day

So, uhm, MAG 136 everybody! As you can probably tell I've been looking forward to this episode, not as much as some others, (cough cough) cul-de-sac (cough cough), but a fair amount of excitement going into this. So, without further ado, let's get on with it! Mostly rambling, but I have great words a lot of the time.

For content warnings, mostly what's in the episode and some pretty frank discussions of suicide and depression. If I need to add or tag anything please let me know.

If I get another gambling ad, I'm going to break something :). Sorry, I keep getting this gambling advert and it's just. Nope, no, 0/10. I had hope it would only be on RQG.

ARCHIVIST (Compelling) If you don’t mind me asking, where are you off to? MELANIE Therapy. Wait … ARCHIVIST Oh, God, Melanie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to … MELANIE It’s fine. I would probably have told you eventually anyway. ARCHIVIST Even so, I shouldn’t— MELANIE Just forget it

I'm glad that although Melanie's obviously -- and to be honest, rightfully, yeah Jon didn't mean to make her tell him that she's going to therapy, he still did and that would make me pretty angry -- upset, she's handling it in a good way, they're not getting in a fight, they're being... amicable. Not friends -- a long way from friends.

DAISY You’re not babysitting me, alright? I know that’s what the others think sometimes, but that’s not it. I just don’t like being on my own if I can help it. You know, flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST I know, Daisy. I do. It’s hard. DAISY Yeah, well. Don’t let me get in your way. ARCHIVIST Of course.

jon's just grappling with the concept of friendship in the corner like, sure, he was a last resort, but he's spending time with another human and they're not obviously wishing he was dead! yay for that i guess!

also uhm i like how yk, maybe i was just watching bad shows before -- probably -- but it isn't... glossed over. they go through things and they deal with said things, mostly in bad and self destructive ways, like yes the characters suffering and then they have to deal with the suffering and it's all portrayed in a -- in my opinion -- pretty true to life way. People get angry when they're traumatized and under stress, people get suicidal, people do stupid things, people don't trust people -- trust the wrong people -- the works.

*holds gently* p o d c a s t

I loved Neil. I might even have been in love with him; it’s hard to say. When there are so many emotions caught up in a single person, when they’re such a significant force in your life, it gets difficult to say what’s really there at the heart of it.

I'm aro, I thought i was in love with people, I probably wasn't. Love is complicated, discerning what type it is.

Even pyrotechnics, while impressive and visually spectacular, just didn’t give me the same sharp joy as making something that could move, that came alive, directed and controlled by my hand.

Ah, right, so here's the sentence that's like "and this is what fear it is." There's a lot of those, scattered around. What comes to mind are the following lines.

Well, that’s what’s really terrifying, isn’t it? Your mind is all you are. There’s no back-up, no reset if it goes. I’m not just talking about madness as it appears, but what it is from inside. The way people talk about it, it’s like you have to think you’re sane, that our mind is everything we perceive, everything we are. Well, that means you can never know when your grasp might be slipping. I’m not convinced that’s it though. Or maybe deep down, somewhere inside, you understand what’s happening to you and I, um… I don’t know which scares me more.

(MAG 65 - Binary)

This shows that it's The Spiral.

One thing that… eats at me, as it were, and does give me that sick tightness of fear deep in my gut. It is rot. I don’t know why it gets to me so; perhaps it’s precisely because I don’t think there is anything beyond the body, and even dead and unaware, seeing a person’s form begin to putrefy and fester – becoming just a home for the crawling, feasting things – is too much for me. Perhaps it’s just an unaccountable phobia. Regardless of the reason, the fact is that to see the corpses decaying, to see their flesh corrupted, it is… the one part of this job that I find uncomfortable. So much so that I would describe reconstruction and preservation as my favourite part of the process. Making sure the cadaver looks as peaceful and lifelike as possible. Make them the person they were, or as close as they can be while cold and senseless. Fighting off the rot. The insects. The disease.

(MAG 36 - Taken Ill)

And this shows it's The Corruption.

I like it, a little introduction, so you know what you're getting into.

“Besides,” he always told me, “I’m a puppeteer at heart.”

✨ Spooky! ✨

A frugal life, lucrative career and prickly personality had left him with lots of money, but no real support; while my life had left me in a position where I cared deeply about his wellbeing and was in desperate need of money. Everything just lined up so neatly.

this was planned wasn't it, "everything just lined up so neatly," yeah no way it's a coincidence.

I must have asked him about it, but at the time it just seemed like such a natural progression.

This reminds me of some of the stuff in MAG 59 - Recluse.

I’m sure they’d have said the same things about me and at the time nothing seemed amiss. I did what I did because it was what I was supposed to do, and it never struck me to question it. I’m not sure I really recognise who I became while living at that house.

With The Web's control and things seeming fine but then you look back and it's like "yep, definitely not."

He was hanging there, wrapped in his strings like a cocoon, twisting gently around and around and around.

THAT'S AN IMAGE. oh!! OH!! oh boy!!!

She told me to take the films, his original cuts.

The way "original cuts" is said sounds a lot like some of the other tones a few statement givers take -- even Jon sometimes, immediately I can think of in the season 5 trailer. I recognise that tone.

She told me to come here. She told me to give them to you. I resisted for some time, but I’m done now. She’s won. And I would very much like to go home.

I love the way this statement ends, a lot of statements have very cool endings, this one's snazzy, the statement giver sounds so defeated.

ARCHIVIST They were … Well, let’s just say it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though, let alone original cuts. Records indicate they ended up in Artefact Storage. DAISY Probably best they stay there. ARCHIVIST Yeah… Yes, of course.

No! Not best they stay there! Daisy and Jon movie night watching spooky films together! I think that would be fun.

DAISY She’s Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. Like that lighter you’re always using – where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST Hm, good point. We should keep our eyes open. Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

Spooky bloody lighter, god damnit, god damn that spooky lighter.

AAAA. No guys, the lighter isn't messing with his memory, he just has adhd.

DAISY Yeah, well, what do you think? You think I’m weak just cos I’m not already chasing the next kill? You think I’m less me? ARCHIVIST I … I don’t feel like I’m exactly in the best place to judge the intersection between free will and humanity. Still trying to figure that out myself.

✨ t h e m e s ✨ [themes]

I, unsurprisingly, like this. I think, that I like. The exploration of it. I think it's snazzy. It's hard to articulate my thoughts, but I am holding this gently, I am holding the many many themes of this very cool podcast gently. I am directing you to tumblr user annabelle--cane because it's got great brain thoughts.

DAISY Jon … When you went in the coffin, was it you choosing to do that? Did you actually think you could save me or was something telling you to do it? ARCHIVIST It was me. I was drawn to it, I’ll admit, but it was my decision. It wasn’t entirely about you, though. DAISY What was it? ARCHIVIST My— My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice. I made a choice to become … something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I don’t know if I made the right decision. I’m stronger now, tougher, I can … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe stop that happening and the only danger is to me … I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster. DAISY That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST (Laughs) Yeah. I suppose it is.

I've also heard it described as "if there was a truck coming towards me, I wouldn't move out the way." Maybe not actively seeking it, but definitely not... not seeking it.

Yeah, thinking you're an inherently worse person than everyone around you, is a pretty good way to get you know, suicidal.

Almost everyone you care about thinking -- and saying -- that your very existence is a wrong, that they'd rather you have died, that's going to mess you up. And I'm... I mean like, poor Jon or whatever, I love him, he's my blorbo, but like him living his worst life is compelling and written well.

I should say more, but idk, I think I've summed up Some Thoughts.

ARCHIVIST I guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t … wouldn’t be as bad as it was. And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually endure the result. You might have noticed, when I was in there with you, I had regrets.

fuck dude it sure is, i mean at least he's pretty bad at self-sacrifice, like he lived, didn't get stuck in a coffin forever, no bad outcomes apart from... like... the trauma. he didn't even have to have one awkward conversation. until now, but i feel like him and daisy are more on the "joking about melodramatic notes app notes written while having a breakdown" than "one person who wants to get out of the situation and another who is Concerned."

DAISY You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST I what?

THIS IS A MOMENT WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS ABSOLUTELY WIN. "picture of Edwardian offence" ahsdfsewadfssewa

I mean like yeah it's a little insensitive or whatever, but to be fair, sometimes it's just better to get out of your head, distract yourself, don't listen to sad music while you're down because otherwise you're just going to get more sad. Shout out to crying over a TMA meta while listening to Mitski and reading all my saved TMA metas. Not the exact situation, but let it be known i don't cry over fiction that much. This podcast has made me cry like... how many times at this point?

I'd share other, more specific details, but I'm not sure how much is oversharing, especially with these topics.

DAISY “Boo hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST I am alone. Martin is—

*points* GAY

well, bi. yk.

DAISY Get over yourself. You’re always talking about choices. We all made ours. Now I’m making a choice to get some drinks in. Coming? ARCHIVIST I don’t … Yeah, ok.

ANOTHER PART WHERE THE UNNOFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS STAY WINNING! "pause while he grapples with the concept of friendship." Like I'm using official because i noticed an error in MAG 119, but the unofficials are funny.

DAISY Melanie’s out, but I’ll go get Basira. ARCHIVIST Is she … Would she want to join us? DAISY If she doesn’t, I’ll rip her throat out. ARCHIVIST Uhhh… DAISY It’s a joke, John. ARCHIVIST (Dubious) Oh, aha. Yes. I’ll get my coat.

HIS STUPID LITTLE LAUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

he's just like me fr oh my goddd he's a dumbass he's i want to squish him like one of those toys whose eyes pop out i want to shake him out like a cat aaaaaa

Anyway, Jon fan[redacted]ing over, uhhh more thoughts on the whole bloody... thing he's got going on.

First of all, I mean... passive suicidality sucks. And I think that's what's going on, like he jumped into that coffin, with the knowledge that he might not live, but maybe he will, and does it matter either way. He lives, gets Daisy out, he's useful, he's good. He dies or gets stuck there... well, it's just another monster gone. And of course that's not what he thinks when he's down there, but... I can't back this up with studies, but anecdotally... yeah uh, I mean, sometimes you go "oh shit, maybe doing this nonspecific thing was a bad idea, actually, and you don't want to die."

That... sudden realization of what he's done, what he's condemned himself to, the continuing... you know, he's not exactly okay in season 5, or even later on in season 4 -- what with the dark sun -- and that rings true with me. I can actually back this up with a study, according to this website, (it's reliable, it's Harvard, just search up "attempters' longterm survival" on google, it should be the first result.) 90% of people who attempt suicide don't go on to die by suicide, however 40% of those who have died from suicide (in the US) have previously attempted suicide, and 5 to 11 percent of people hospitalized for a suicide attempt go on to die via suicide, but those who haven't are only 1 in 10,000. Besides, not he's gotten help, he's just realized he made a mistake in one situation, he's talked about it to a friend, sure, but he's still mostly alone, he still mostly thinks he's a monster.

Like... that's not a great situation to be in. Someone give him some actual friends (or a boyfriend) and take all the Panado (acetaminophen) out of his reach.

Nancy & Ava

Nancy: okay, so now the Seychelles makes even more sense... Nancy: you could've told me, you know Ava: ? Ava: Expand, please Nancy: I'm just saying, like, whatever relationship drama you were going through at the time Ava: I wasn't in a relationship when we were in the Seychelles though Nancy: exactly Nancy: so I'm glad you sorted it out with whoever you were obviously missing Ava: Well, thanks Ava: it wasn't as simple as that though really Ava: isn't, whatever Nancy: it rarely is Nancy: do you want to talk about it now, it's not suddenly too late or anything Ava: Yeah, okay Ava: now's as good a time as any for me Ava: if you've got the time Nancy: I do Ava: Alright Ava: so it's not a straightforward, conventional kind of deal Ava: there's multiple factors that make it, hmm Ava: not problematic for me but problematic in being open about it, telling certain people especially Nancy: I'm listening & trying not to be a judgey bitch Nancy: how unconventional are we talking about? Ava: He's not in prison or in a cult or anything before you get carried away with possibilities Nancy: That's a good start, he's not a teacher either is he, because you know, for obvious reasons I can't support that Ava: As if Ava: If you saw my teachers, you wouldn't ask that Nancy: I will have, they can't all have retired or died since I was there Ava: Do you remember Buster was friends with a boy called James? Nancy: Yeah Nancy: he has a brother your age-ish, right? is that who you're dating? Ava: No Nancy: What about James then? Nancy: Why do I need to remember him? Ava: Nancy Ava: come on Nancy: No, you come on, that's not funny, Av Ava: I'm not joking Ava: that would be such a strange angle to take Nancy: he's married to...he's married Ava: They're getting a divorce Ava: it isn't out there yet but it's happening Nancy: because of you!? Oh my god Ava: No, not because of me Ava: their relationship was a mess, she's awful Nancy: No shit, Ava! Nancy: why would you do this? how could you even, like...I know Chelsea is cliquey but Jesus Christ, where would you even find him? Ava: At King's open day Ava: I did some summer courses, he was there too Nancy: does she know about you? Ava: She's gone Ava: to her parent's villa or something Nancy: okay, good Nancy: she can't find out Ava: Well she's going to Nancy: No Ava: Um, yeah Ava: I highly doubt she's deleting her socials any time soon Nancy: you need to be serious Ava: I am Ava: you mean I need to be scared of her Ava: I'm not and I'm not going to be Nancy: I don't know what you expect me to say Ava: Then don't say anything Ava: you asked Nancy: I can't just Ava: I'm already planning to tell mum and dad today so you don't need to do anything Nancy: I want to do something though Ava: Are you really going to tell them before I get a chance? Ava: Tell Buster as well if you fancy it then Nancy: That's not what I mean, I want to help you Nancy: it's going to be so bad when she finds out Nancy: Forget mum & dad for a second, forget Buster Ava: No it won't Ava: what's she gonna do Ava: it's her marriage over, her kids she doesn't wanna see Ava: she's got bigger issues Nancy: she made my life hell every day for 5 years & I didn't even do anything to her, she's clearly got issues Ava: Yeah well that's not gonna happen to me Ava: she's made James' life hell for 6 years Nancy: how many kids do they have? Ava: Two Ava: the one she had back then and a baby, about a year Nancy: a year... Nancy: she's not just going away then, is she? Ava: Yeah, she must've been trying to have a fixer baby Ava: it had fallen apart before then Nancy: Gross, I can't think about that Ava: Now who's not being serious Nancy: I'm serious, I can't Ava: Who's asking you to Ava: just drop it Nancy: okay Nancy: I just mean, his life, I can't imagine what's happened and what it must have been like for all those years Ava: You can't Ava: no one can Nancy: you said you met him at that open day, it hasn't been that long, can you? Ava: I didn't say I could Nancy: I'm just trying to process this Nancy: how serious you two are Ava: It's not really a situation to dip into casually Ava: not fun from my perspective or fair on his side Nancy: Obviously not Ava: There you go then Nancy: I'm doing my best here Nancy: to me, James, how I remember him, it's weird Ava: That's nearly a decade ago though Ava: of course he's changed Nancy: yeah, we all have Ava: Exactly Nancy: except her by the sounds of it, unless it's for worse Ava: I think so Ava: she's actually ill, I think Ava: but what can you do? you can't force someone to get better Nancy: how long has she been gone? Ava: Only a couple of weeks Ava: but she didn't tell James she was going, and hasn't been in contact at all since Ava: just with her parents when they threaten to fly out, basically Nancy: she didn't take the kids with her? Ava: Nope Ava: she's said she doesn't love them, didn't want them Ava: and I've not heard or seen anything to the contrary Nancy: Wow Ava: I know Nancy: Like, I know she was young when she had the first one but she wasn't that young Nancy: she had choices, not like Nan or something Ava: Choice is just a matter of perception Ava: she clearly didn't think so Nancy: Mum & dad are going to go ballistic, you know that, yeah? Ava: Undoubtedly Ava: there's nothing they can do though Nancy: except make it harder for you than it's already going to be Ava: That would require being here Ava: which they're not going to do Nancy: Dad might Nancy: if he's angry enough Ava: For how long Ava: he'll get bored Nancy: you can come & stay if you need to Ava: I have school soon so Nancy: I know, but I'm making the offer anyway Ava: Thanks Ava: but I'm good Nancy: I'm not good at this, I know that, but I care about you, okay? Ava: Then why do you want me to leave Nancy: all I want is for you to have somewhere to go if you need it Nancy: no, more than one somewhere actually, as many as possible Ava: I don't want to go anywhere Ava: I want to be here Nancy: I'm not dragging you onto a plane Ava: If I have problems, I deal with them Nancy: okay Ava: Okay? Ava: Good Nancy: I don't appreciate the drag but we're not going to fight about it now Ava: Sure, another time Nancy: yeah Ava: Yeah, well done, Nance Ava: later Nancy: Ava, come on Ava: You've got to be kidding me Nancy: don't do this Ava: No, you don't Ava: don't offer your faux support, it's worse than you not being there Nancy: I'm genuinely trying Ava: Then just don't Ava: I don't need it Nancy: what do you need? Ava: Honestly, just go Ava: and don't tell anyone before I do Nancy: I wouldn't do that, it's not about me Nancy: you have to tell them Ava: I know, I'm going to Ava: I have places to be right now though Nancy: can we just not leave it like this though Ava: Fine Ava: thank you for trying Nancy: whatever I did wrong, I'm sorry, you know Ava: If you don't know, it means nothing to me Nancy: you're gonna have to tell me, one day, when you don't have places to be or whatever else Ava: No, that's the thing Ava: I don't have to Nancy: you don't want to, you mean Nancy: cos I don't understand I can't just figure it out Ava: Why would I want to? Ava: It doesn't affect me Nancy: fine, forget it Ava: Sounds good Nancy: Yeah well, I won't keep you any longer then Ava: Uhuh put the blame on me Nancy: oh my god Nancy: you either want to forget this or you don't Ava: I want you to not victimize yourself every five seconds Nancy: yeah? I'd love not to Ava: Bullshit Ava: if you aren't complaining you have nothing to talk about Nancy: that's really constructive criticism, thanks, like Ava: You can't help yourself can you, Christ Nancy: No, my life's mostly a mess & clearly nothing I'm doing is helping Ava: So just fucking think, will you Ava: nothing I said indicated I would want to leave Nancy: I'm not telling you to leave, I'm telling you I'm here Nancy: because I can't come back Nancy: but that doesn't mean I'm not here Ava: Well it does Ava: You haven't been here period so let's not act like that's revelatory to either of us Nancy: I don't need to be in Chelsea to be supportive Ava: Anything you have to say, any advice, is so far removed from my reality Ava: you don't know me, it's insulting Ava: you don't get to offer support and then be offended when it's not wanted or needed Nancy: I'm not offended, upset for sure, but that's because you're right Nancy: I don't know you, so what? Now I just never get to know you ever? That's upsetting Ava: You don't get to dole out advice or act the big sister Ava: especially when that's the last thing I would want Nancy: okay, I'm sorry Nancy: I shouldn't have reacted how I have for basically this entire conversation, but it was a lot Ava: It's fine Ava: it just proves how little you've changed Ava: your first reaction will always be to run and hide and I don't need that in my life Nancy: I had to leave, Ava Nancy: I wouldn't be in your life at all right now if I hadn't done that Ava: You did what you had to for you Ava: it doesn't change that it happened Ava: doesn't mean we can force a relationship now 'cos it weren't your fault Ava: that time's gone Nancy: it's not gone for me Nancy: it affects everything Ava: and I'm sorry for you Nancy: yeah, I know Ava: I can't be expected to fix that for you, no one can Nancy: I know that too Ava: There's nothing more to say Ava: we both got fucked over Ava: it is what it is Nancy: there's just one more thing I wanna say, even though you don't want or need my advice, don't let her ruin anything, whether she comes back or it's just the damage she's already done to that poor fucking lad, like Ava: I can't control her Ava: I can just be there for him now Nancy: Yeah, don't let anyone stop you then Ava: I won't Nancy: Good Nancy: I hope you're both happy, I mean that Ava: Thanks Ava: that's the goal Nancy: It's all mum & dad actually want, they'll calm down eventually Nancy: Buster too, he's a lot calmer these days Ava: They'll have to Ava: he's not doing anything wrong Nancy: it's not me you need to convince Ava: I should probably go do that then Nancy: Right, why waste time Ava: All good fun Nancy: C'est la vie Nancy: if there's a NYC equivalent of that I can't remember it Ava: even New Yorkers don't have culture Ava: still American Nancy: Gays are the only ones who have culture Ava: Bold statement to make about plaid and dysfunction but okay Nancy: what else have I got? might as well Ava: Sure Nancy: she didn't manage to straighten me out even if she took everything else Ava: Any small victory Nancy: Go then, you're shamelessly stalling now Ava: I'm walking Ava: going to the park, I told you I had things to do Nancy: try not to get run over again please Ava: 🙄 Ava: that's nice isn't it Nancy: I'm serious, I was worried Ava: James came and looked after me Nancy: I'm glad, it's shit being alone when things like that happen Ava: They wouldn't have been able to discharge me so yeah Ava: it was good Nancy: he always did seem like less of a prick than the rest Ava: A glowing review Ava: almost sounded like a compliment Nancy: he never joined in with any of it, so yeah, I guess it is Ava: He's a nice person now, that's all I know Nancy: that's all that matters now anyway Ava: Yeah but I'm glad he didn't Ava: obviously Nancy: I wouldn't let him near you if he had, whatever you say or however many flights I'd have to get to keep you apart Ava: Okay, drama queen Nancy: shut up, that one's not my fault, actually genetic Ava: 😂 True Nancy: dad's such a 👑, good lord Nancy: I wonder if they met James when he was friends with Buster Nancy: probably not Ava: He says he doesn't really remember them but I remember Buster's friends being around so Ava: guess saying thank you when you run out the front door isn't really meeting Nancy: Yeah, they always were Nancy: but like you said, mum & dad really aren't so Ava: they were more back then Ava: when I was little Nancy: Sure, they aren't going to rival James' wife in the parenting stakes Ava: It's not even funny Nancy: she never has been Nancy: how she ever thought I could fancy her when she's not no sense of humour Ava: Maybe she is gay Ava: something's making her seriously unhappy and fucked Nancy: She was definitely into Buster too though, I remember that from way before I left Ava: I think she slept with everyone, like Nancy: not him though, his 😍 for Ri were in place before we moved from Cambs Ava: Yeah but I mean, she obvs didn't know that Ava: 'til everyone did Nancy: that whole group were always swapping, it was so gross & weird Nancy: but I was the weird one, okay bitch Ava: Yeah Ava: lots of people still roll like that Nancy: there's a whole gay scene here that's entirely that Ava: A box is a box wherever it is Ava: even if you roll it in glitter and call it culture 🤷 Nancy: & lesbians are ridiculous wherever you find them Ava: we'll leave that at a self-drag Ava: I'm not getting involved Nancy: I'm just saying, I don't wanna be friends with someone who broke my heart, why does that make me weird? Ava: Who's broke your heart this week then Nancy: Unlike you, I was heartbroken in the Seychelles Ava: Duh, you wouldn't have come otherwise Ava: so go on, what happened Nancy: you've pointed out enough of my flaws for one conversation, cheers Nancy: I'm not dissecting my breakup with you Ava: I am busy so ⌚ Nancy: goodbye then Ava: 😂 Ava: I'm not dying Ava: laters Nancy: until you get run over again, yeah? Nancy: seriously, stop walking & annoying me, like Nancy: it's an actual safety hazard Ava: Not to brag but my coordination is great, tah Nancy: being rude to the dyslexic now Nancy: yeah, you can go Ava: 👋