#which is why ig the easy way is so appealing. soulmates and all that
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i don't think it would even feel good to be loved the way i am rn
#just an absolute disaster of a human being. i want to be a more complete person before anyone decides they wanna put up w me forever#like i know being loved at your lowest is supposed to be like. oh they truly love me for who i am deep down. they even love be as a mess#but idk i just know i would feel undeserving no matter how obvious they made it that they loved me. i dunno if that can ever be fully heale#i don't want to be seen being THIS pathetic lmao but ig that's also why i feel like love has never been in the cards for me#why i have such a rich fantasy life#i guess it like all just comes down to the fact that i have never once expected to be loved no matter how badly i crave it#i would always be overcompensating for being the way i am LMAO just feeling like a useless waste#i know people love me but i have never deluded myself far enough into believing that i could ever find love#which is why ig the easy way is so appealing. soulmates and all that#not having to do any of the hard work for the perfect love#but all-in-all when it's said and done i do not want to settle my standards are never going to change#so it is pointless to want for anything and it's pointless to pretend i don't... and i guess what i'm left with is just#longing! in a nutshell!!#i want to be someone's person very badly. someone's first choice. someone's only choice. etc etc#but y'know. it is what it is
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