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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 5 years

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Gormless Ch. 8 - I’d rather these ball sacks havers had haverballsacks.

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband. In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England. Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag. She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon. He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok. Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything. Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government. She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it. Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

Alexia is also going north to help her husband with a crew crafted for a comedy. and oh boy I can’ts wait.

Chapter 8 – I’d rather these ball sacks havers had haverballsacks.

The next day they touch-down on Scottish soil and immediately Maccon is there. He was on his way, smelled her…what near 2,000 feet in the sky and just followed the dirigible until it landed. Yeah okay sure suspension of disbelief or whatever. You know what I’m not going to suspend my disbelief for? The fact that apparently all werewolves, including Maccon travel in wolf form and only bring a basic cloak to hide their nudity with when they transform. Apparently all places just have outfits, for every conceivable body type and size, set aside in case they have werewolf visitors. I guess they’ll all just have to never bring any food, weapons, paperwork, books, toothbrushes, gifts, or literally anything else when they travel. That seems highly practical.

He could just hold a bag in their mouth or give him a doggy back-pack. Hell, since this is a fantasy, I might suspend my disbelief if you told me that these ball sack havers had haverballsacks which were just infinity scrotums that they can literally pull whatever they felt like out. I KNOW THIS IS A DUMB STICKING POINT BUT SHE PURPOSEFULLY MADE IT SUPER UNPRACTICAL AND FOR NO FUCKING REASON RRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!

So back to reality, Ivy officially rejects Tunstell. Tunstell then starts flirting back with Felicity and being mean to Ivy. Okay sure. LeFoux convinces the crew she should go with because the pack they’re going to see (Kingair) has a broken aethographor she says she’ll fix. By broken aethographor she means women, and by fix she means fuck.

I don’t believe I said it in full yet, but the spanker ship I mentioned earlier was housing the Kingair clan of werewolves. The humanization seems to follow these werewolves who can’t change shape, and it seems to have started when there Alpha mysteriously died. Maccon used to be Alpha of this pack but mysteriously moved over to his current pack by killing the leader there. So off to the center of the mystery everyone!

When they get to the big old dingy castle, there is a huge middle aged tough-ass Scottish woman telling them to piss off. Maccon says he’s there for BUR (the supernatural police) and not cause he used to be the Alpha there. She seems cool with this, despite having obvious animosity to him personally. Her name is Sidheag. Alexia instantly endears herself to everyone by remarking very loudly that the castle is filthy. When Sidheag threatens to throw her in the rain again, Alexia says if Sidheag would mind if she would do some dusting. This ~endears~ her to Sidheag. I suppose anybody else would think she’s a rude spoiled little shit but its protags the best day here in shitty self-insert novel #84zillion.

Half the people in the clan seem to hate Maccon, while the other half like him. Also a weird moment where Maccon introduces his whole merry band but totally leaves out Angelique…and I’m pretty sure the only reason is that the author forgot. She’s the slave of the group anyway HAHA!

We also learn that Sidheag is apparently Maccon’s great-great-great granddaughter. Alexia is not happy that Maccon was previously married before he was a werewolf and had living descendants that she doesn’t know about. 4 things about this:

1.) I couldn’t be less surprised. Maccon literally says nothing to Alexia besides, “You’re unbearable, let’s have sex woman.” We’ve all known he’s a fucking sack of dogshit.

2.) None of these relations attended Maccon’s wedding? Do they ALL hate him? That bodes well, and also isn’t surprising because I believe we have established he is a pile of puppy poop.

3.) I can forgive it, but it’s irritating to me that Alexia had never got sexual tingles, or kissed another boy before they got married. However Maccon? 100s of lovers and his spawn litter the Scottish country-side. I don’t think it was the author’s intent to wave that huge double standard around but it just bugs me.

4.) The reveal about how Sidheag is related to Maccon would have been a MUCH BETTER CLIFF-HANGER AND ENCOUNTER!

Imagine, if you will, the crew goes to the castle looking for Maccon, they run into a hostile Sidheag, Alexia introduces herself as Lady Maccon and it instantly sets off Sidheag. Perhaps calling Alexia a trollop, and says that Maccon is HER last name as well.

DUN DUN DUN! GOOD CLIFFHANGER!

We open up the next chapter with an Alexia/Sidhaeg scuffle, Alexia perhaps assuming that Sidheag is Maccon’s ex-wife or maybe even a current wife. That TRASHMAN! AREN’T THESE BOOKS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN? MORE ACTION PLZ! However before anybody is seriously injured Maccon intervenes after he heard a gun go off and settles the dispute with the truth.

So back to this sad reality. Maccon goes to talk with the Beta of the pack and the rest of the crew settle into their rooms. Alexia overhears Felicity asking Tunstell if she’s ~safe~ since they have rooms next to each other.

*YUCK BARF*

Tunstell does probably what I would have done, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!

Alexia has the brilliant idea of hiding her bag (which was attempted to be broken in before) in Ivy’s room. She convinces Ivy this is a good course of action by saying that she’s hiding a gift she got for Maccon in the bag. Socks, like really good socks that she needs to check on every now and again. That’s dumb but fine.

Alexia goes back to her room to get dressed for dinner. (God that sounds so annoying, why do people like this time period again?) Maccon shows up and fails to seduce her. They then have one of their OH SO DELIGHTFUL back and forths. Where basically Alexia tries to ask Maccon about why he leaves without telling her anything? (but tells Lyall) What is going on with the Kingair clan? What’s his history with the Kingair clan? Why he didn’t tell her he used to be married? Why he didn’t think it appropriate to tell her he has great-great-great grandchildren running around? And if he has other great-great-great grandchildren running around?

These are all great questions, and I wish the writer wasn’t such a hack that answering any of them would spoil this or future books. So the most we get out of Maccon is, “I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask and you were supposed to have children before you turned into a werewolf. Also the person who is Beta wolf now, wasn’t Beta under me.”

HAHA GREAT! Meanwhile Alexia off-handidly mentions she took a tumble (in a really forced way) so Maccon can get mad in turn for her not sharing everything with him. Alexia does this really annoying thing of pretending to be demure and sweet in order to avoid telling him. Which like,

1.) Ew

2.) Maccon is clearly not into the wilting flower business I have no idea why you think acting all coy is going to make him forgive you or whatever.

3.) Why are you hiding this from him anyway? She puts herself in danger all the time and Maccon acts like it’s, at best an annoyance. He is shown to have gotten way more upset when she does stuff like ‘Not sit with him at dinner’ and ‘Want to know anything about him.’

But in the end Alexia tells him that she fell off the dirigible but is fine. You know the reason why Alexia tries to hide the ~tumble~ from him by acting like a ninny? It’s to make their two situations seem equivalent when they’re super not.

On one hand we have a woman who didn’t immediately tell her husband about a dangerous situation she was in, even though it only happened the day before, and she wasn’t injured. She, when pressed, tells him about it.

On the other hand Maccon leaves her totally in the dark about a lot of relevant information about his past, present, and the current situation they’re in. Also Maccon doesn’t properly answer any of her questions. He just dodges it and shirks responsibility the entire time. Yet we’re made to believe that they are equals in the relationship with matching baggage. BULLSHIT! Like in all these dumb fuck titles, the man has vastly more power and we feign female empowerment because the woman pouts at this injustice even if nothing fucking changes. This is summed up best with the last lines of this chapter.

“Are you going to tell me the real reason you came back to Scotland Do not think you have thrown me off the scent so easily.”

“I never doubted you, my sweet demure little Alexia.”

Lady Maccon gave him her best, most fierce, battle-ax expression, and they went down to dinner.

THAT’S HOW THE CHAPTER ENDS! He just doesn’t answer and the author just moves the plot forward on clumsy legs regardless.

Say something nice Faps:

Sidheag is cool. I hope she’s not ruined.

Castles are cool.

The sock back and forth between Alexia and Ivy was actually kinda cute and funny. Even if it was dumb as hell.

#soulless #changless #gormless #riffing

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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 5 years

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Gormless Ch. 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

Last time on Gormless:

There’s a dude named Channing who wants to punch and have sex with Alexia, and Ivy is getting married to some rich slub, even though she’s in wub with Maccon’s servant Tunstell.

Alexia’s hubby told her to go to a hat store for mysterious plot reasons, she brings her dopey friend Ivy. The hat store is run by a hot lesbian and as they’re chatting BOOM an explosion! GOLLY WHAT’S NEXT!?

Chapter 4 - Dab on them Pineapples

This chapter starts off totally under described. Basically the explosion shook the hats on their nice dangling hooks, and turned out the lights. They don’t even describe it as unbalancing Alexia. So the whole next bit makes so little sense. She first reacts by feeling around for Ivy. She finds Ivy has fainted…cause okay? Ivy is whispering about Tunstell though so she’s like, “YEAH MY FRIEND UNCONCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AFTER AN EXPLOSION IS FINE! BYE LOSER!”

She immediately starts scurrying around for that secret passage she thought she saw earlier. Finds it, goes in, and down an elevator. I just…I was so flummoxed that this was her first response? All it would take for this to make more sense is to write, “It sounded as if the explosion happened below them, and Alexia would bet you 100 pounds that this secret passage would lead her straight to it. And what if someone was hurt down there?”

It seemed so bizarre for her to go, “EXPLOSION? I’M GOING TO MAKE A BEELINE FOR THE SECRET PASSAGE! MY FRIEND OUT COLD? WHATEVER!”

When she gets down there she finds a messy workshop, where a small explosion clearly took place. She finds LeFoux yelling at a child and there’s a ghost lady just chilling there. The gist of the conversation is that the child threw a rag soaked in ETHER into a huge furnace which caused the explosion. The boy is just like, “lol it went bang.” And Alexia thinks that’s hilarious and reintroduces herself. LeFoux has to remark that WOW ISN’T LADY MACCON SMART FOR FINDING OUT THE SECRET PASSAGEWAY? GOSH I KNOW I CONFIRMED IT TO HER MINUTES AGO! BUT SHE’S SO SMART! The ghost is LeFoux’s aunt Beatrice, and the boy is introduced as LeFoux’s son Quesnel even though the two do not look related.

I also find it odd that LeFoux, the owner of this establishment, with a shop full of customers, just slips into the passage and doesn’t give a token, “DO NOT PANIC CUSTOMERS I’M GOING TO FIGURE OUT THE ISSUE, PLEASE STAY WHERE YOU ARE!”

Alexia praises the child for the explosion. I can’t help but feel a bit exasperated by the book’s tone for this. This child could have not only killed himself on a flight of fancy but perhaps a block worth of buildings full of humans in a crowded city, and the story treats it like he stole a pudding out of the fridge he wasn’t supposed to have. But I mean, my job is to worry for the well-being of children and I have a habit of overthinking this shit so take that paragraph with as much or as little care as you see fit.

LeFoux punishes Quesnel and tells her aunt to take him away so she can have sexual tension with Alexia. Alexia, you do not deserve the sexual attention of anybody except your dipshit husband. Leave the MacDougalls and LeFouxs for the more-deserving slutty, bisexual hate-readers okay.

Faps you realize you will never be able to have sex with a fictional character right?

Faps why would you want to bang a fictional character in a story you don’t even like?

I HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO ENJOY HERE OKAY!?

During some mild flirtation where Alexia first realizes women are hot, LeFoux explains that Maccon commissioned a gift that is ready for her.

It’s a huge ugly umbrella that takes a page to describe just its physical appearance, which was hard to follow. My favorite detail is,

“The handle looked like something that might top an ancient Egyptian column, carved with lotus flowers---or a very enthusiastic pineapple.”

I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean but with that line I have decided that the handle of her umbrella looks like this:

(Picture of a pineapple dabbing, while wearing bright red shoes.)

And you cannot convince me otherwise.

We spend a few more pages explaining what her James Bond styled umbrella can do. Which includes:

Shoots poison darts.

Can switch between a silver and wooden tip depending on if you’re stabbing vampires or werewolves.

Can emit a magnetic field which can disrupt steam engines temporarily.

Can spray different kinds of toxic mists which can kill humans, and severely injure werewolves and vampires.

Okay sure, she gets a proper weapon with a lot of weird uses. Sure good!

So now it’s time for me to complain about some writing choices!

Much to my annoyance, every time LeFoux smiles at all (which is a fucking lot) instead of using multiple verbs and descriptors such as, “She smiles, grins, smirks, beams, looks amused/smug/delighted/etc.” She says LeFoux ~dimples~ 100% of the time. And I’m like nobody verbs dimples that way you fucking weirdo who writes like they’re 12.

There’s also this really clumsy pointless exchange where it’s revealed that LeFoux has made special equipment for Prof. Lyall, and she remarks that he’s a curious man. Alexia says he’s not a man at all (cause he’s a werewolf) and LeFoux remarks, “I, too, am not a man. I simply enjoy dressing like one.”

….This is like super clumsy and not how humans talk at all. And there’s no reason why you need to bring that up AGAIN at all? We can tell she enjoys masculine dress because…she’s described as dressing masculine. Like….why?

Like I know this isn’t meant to be a complex novel, but like I feel condescended to how often unimportant shit needs to be brought up again and again. UGH!

So they head back upstairs, Tunstell shows up so he and Ivy can stare longingly at each other, and OH YEAH tell Alexia Lyall wants to speak with her.

You gotta do more for me to ship Tunstell/Ivy then like show them cozy with one another and shouting in my ear about how they pine for one another. Like maybe some dialog besides, “How are you?” “Oh I’m fine”?

So Alexia goes to see Lyall. She struts in swinging her new umbrella like HEY! HEY! ASK ABOUT MY NEW TOY! Lyall does not. Lyall has his issues don’t get me wrong. But I find it so refreshing that he refuses to feed Maccon and Alexia’s shitty little egos.

Lyall says the humanization phenomenon has been ~spotted~ again and it’s moving toward Scotland, a bit ahead of Maccon, who is also heading that way. Maccon doesn’t know he’ll be meeting the mysterious soul-sucking power soon, which could be a problem since he’s only useful in the sense that he has powers.

Alexia takes note of this, and decides she wants to have Lord Akeldama and LeFoux meet cause that would be cool I guess. That’s where we leave off. I’m not sure if the two are going to get along immediately upon meeting or hate each other’s guts. I hope they hate the other’s guts cause I think that would be more entertaining.

Say something nice Faps:

These chapters don’t always end and start on similar notes. So it doesn’t feel repetitive.

Lyall, while not totally free from this writing’s bullshit, helps ground this material by being a voice of sanity. A lot of authors can get caught up in HOW FUCKING COOL THEIR PERFECT FUN CHARACTERS ARE and it’s just kinda refreshing that this author has enough self-awareness to realize how exhausting and irritating their antics/personalities can sometimes be. Or in the very least enough awareness of writing to know when to slow it done and take a breather.

LeFoux is hot.

Since I have identified her new murder parasol as having a dabbing pineapple handle, all mentions of it conjure hilarious mental images for me. She was described as cradling it like a baby, and swinging it wildly in order for it to fail to catch Lyall’s attention.

I also kinda like how despite getting a badass weapon crafted for her, it’s hideous. Like perhaps it’s for the humor sake, but I appreciate we’re not just going to steamroll how cool and great Alexia is. Even though she got this super rad weapon with all these functions without having to earn it. The item does have the downside of being tacky and heavy. You know?

#gormless #changeless #riffing

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