apologies to anyone i may have accidentally soft blocked over the past couple days, i've been inundated with spam bots

wow!!! that was a year

as I begin to write this post I'm not even sure if I'm going to post it, lmao. I guess it depends on how much of a bummer it turns into. and if it helps me sort out some thoughts, then it won't have been a complete waste of time.

waste, huh...

on one hand, I don't... reaaaally?? want to talk about what's been going on in my life? but on the other hand, there's a part of me that's like "wow, Naem, that makes it sound like you've been struggling with some serious shit, which is straight up not true, do you just want people to feel sorry for you?" and then on the third mutant hand (I have a lot of those, it turns out) there is a different part of me that does acknowledge the way this other section of my brain jumps straight to accusatory self-flagellation is something many people do not, in fact, struggle with

I've been doing remote therapy this year! it's alright. my therapist has some wild ass takes from time to time, and it is perhaps one of my most substantial monthly expenses (note: yes I still live with my parents so, you know, I don't pay rent), but she IS insightful and a good professional so like. I feel, on the whole, it's working out well for me. a-aside from the part where I still can't seem to love myself consistently but unfortunately I don't think anybody else can fix that for me. I just... have to keep working on it.

speaking of therapy, maybe I should tell her in the next session "hey, cool new year, uhhh I keep finding myself thinking it isn't worth getting excited or feeling hopeful for anything because as time goes on there will only be more and more things to be sad about, because everything is finite and loss is a constant, and it's kind of bumming me out?" maybe I should. honestly, that was the thought this post was going to center around initially, but I've found other things to talk about, thankfully.

ah man. heck. I JUST narrowed down the exact thing motivating this post. "the dread I feel when i see everyone on social media post about their Year In Review." so much of this is about the unrelenting passage of time.

not everything is a huge bummer. experienced some good-ass media this year. Hi-FI Rush was really cool, Midnight Mass was so good it got me to watch it three times in spite of how bad I am with horror, Across the Spiderverse was as good as everyone said - speaking of Spider-Man, I think I've come to terms with adopting Curt Connors as a blorbo, which has nothing to do with Spiderverse but is, perhaps, a baby step in the direction of Accepting The Trash I Like. excited for more Jojolands. Jujutsu Kaisen S2 was really fucking good, so much so that I'm afraid no future arcs will grip me the same way. oh yeah, I got really into Will Wood this year, which is a bit embarrassing because his fanbase seems to be composed primarily of teenagers, but hey. sort of circling back around to me needing to accept what I like, I guess.

I've been taking other baby steps, namely towards Drawing More Often. I... have, right?? I know I haven't posted everything I drew, but it was definitely more than, say, two years ago. which is nice. hope I can keep that up or, even better, Do It Harder.

I don't have a habit of making New Year's Resolutions. I do have a couple of wishes, but I'm frankly not sure if they're anything I can control. Financial stability? Well, there are certainly efforts I can make in that direction, as much as I hate even looking at LinkedIn. To stop finding myself trapped in the middle of interpersonal conflict that I care about too much even when it doesn't directly concern me, resulting in weeks of heightened anxiety at a minimum? I think if it were within my power to stop that, I would have already done it, but uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ah man. I should have found a nicer note to end this on. ummm.

I deeply appreciate all of my friends, not only for being generally rad people but also for seeing nice things in me when I can't. This goes quadruple for my girlfriend, who manages to do all that while also struggling with brains that are very mean and unfair to her.

I feel like I said this last year, but I hope I can learn to depend on you all a little less going forward. Not in a "get out of my life you LOSERS" kind of way, but in a "thanks for the support, here, I can stand on my own two feet, so don't worry about lending me another one" kind of way.

Howdy guys! I have some news today for y'all, just a small update on some stuff but I'd appreciate it if y'all who still exist here would read!

Here's a watercolor piece I finished recently uwu sorry for not posting here often anymore, tumblr mobile is how I mainly accessed tumblr and it's like super shitty.

Even after I switched from apple to Samsung when I got a new phone back in July, so I've hopped around a little and I think I'm going to officially start using Instagram a bit more. I'll still post here occasionally for y'all who don't have Instagram and are too lazy to make one though so don't worry XD

Ok so now to some important news! If any of my mutuals have dms with me or people who actually contacted me (unlike some who basically haven't talked to me since they made a request which is a bummer) about request have dms open then message me on whether or not you have an Instagram so we can maybe do more stuff there? ^_^" I'm not joking about tumblr mobile going to shit for me: notifications don't work like at all and are super janky, my dms are oddly changing order even though I haven't touched some in a long time, and sometimes I cant even make post cause the button just poofs even when I close and reopen the app >_<" if I have a dm with you or y'all have wondered why I keep dying, when I started using tumblr less is when these problems started. I literally am having technical problems that carried over to a completely new and different branded phone than my old one. I'm sure I'm not the only one here with these kinds of issues, and of course now most of my notifs are literally pron bots following me or liking random old ass post of mine.

I'm super disappointed in what's happened to tumblr tbh since I didn't think this hellsite could actually get worse ._. Except now it's in quality too rather than just a bunch of its content. I'll stick around because the tumblr website itself still works pretty decently for me, but I'm not on my laptop for media as much so activity will be slowed until I can figure out how to rise from the grave permanently oof. Also irl life has also kept me super busy and my art time is restricted to school sketchbook doodles. This art here is literally art I did for my AP class and i put many days of at home work into it as school days =_=""" I'm hella tired. Good news is you'll guys probably can see more improvement on my art since I am taking 3 art classes and I'm gonna try and post my work from those at least.

Also I know I've typed a bunch so I apologize for the long ass message most of y'all probably won't read and probably won't even see tbh, but I got one more very important thing to say. Everyone who has dropped contact with me who had request, I am no longer going to waste time and effort into them since I have asked many times for those who haven't talked to me to rekindle a convo since a while back all my dms were poofed and I messaged who I could track down. I've had no new people come up since the ones I've messaged myself so all those requests will be moved to my discarded/incomplete folder and I will no longer work on them until you come out of the dark and ask. I've gotten behind on art request for other people because of time wasted on these and I owe several people art now, which I apologize for those who have been waiting btw I've been doing my best but things keep getting difficult. Please understand that I'm not being rude by doing this, I just can't overstress myself anymore over these because it's hindering my ability to create for others and I feel hella shitty about being pushed behind and basically being ghosted. I'm going to use all the free time I have working on art I owe to people who still speak to me, figuring out job stuff, trying to set up a college portfolio since these are taking up most of my time. Once I completely finish these hopefully I can start doing more of what I love on here and other social media sites than just for school and shit.

Ok that's finally it now phew! Sorry again for the long post, and some cursing oof, I hope y'all have a fabulous day/night! ^w^

1. Are you thinking about watching The Crown? (I don't remember ever seeing post stuff about it so I assume you haven't yet) I only started it when Helena Bonham Carter was announced as Princess Margaret, she's my fave and I knew I'd want to watch her episodes so I might as well catch up untill those . I liked it much more and I was much more engrossed in it than I thought I would.

2. I find the reactions to Gillian being cast as Thatcher very interesting. Many have focused on the fact that her boyfriend is the writer/creator of the show and that’s why she was cast in it and/or she accepted the role. Then there’s people who don’t want to see her as Thatcher because she was an awful person. That might the reason Gillian was interested on the part, maybe she wants to play a monster, but do I think worrying Thatcher might be whitewashed is a very legit concern.

I’ll probably watch the Gillian parts, eventually. I haven’t watched The Crown. It’s not really the kind of thing I’m super into, I had just made it through Downton Abbey (which I started watching with my sister and had gotten sucked into and then was strapped in for until the end) and I was a bit landed-gentry-of-the-early-20th-century’d out, and in the raw days when we had just found out G was dating Peter I WAS bummed out initially by the whole end-of-the-gillovny-ferris-wheel-ride situation and so I had a bummer association with it. (Plus I got defensive about it when it became apparent that the fandom was dividing into newly minted The Crown stans versus people who thought Peter was a nefarious wife abuser or whatever it is, and I did not want to choose either of those sides and felt like I was being asked to do that to some degree and felt resentful about it. For a while, to be honest, it became impossible for me to even identify my actual feelings about the show The Crown in a vacuum.) I wouldn’t now not watch it for that reason, but now it’s been on for a while and I don’t really wanna catch up on something that is not my thing. I’m just not that into Period Drama. I’m allergic to the Jane Austen and all that kind of stuff. I like historical stuff up to about Elizabeth I times and then it gets more boring for me. If Peter Morgan does an Anglo-Saxon thing next or a thing about the bubonic plague I will watch the hell out of it. 

I’m sure if I did watch it I’d be sucked in as well like I was with Downton. I did get sick of hearing about it, both because Gillian would not shut up about it for months when she got together with Peter, and also Netflix used to offer it to me 45 different ways every time I logged in and it got old. (Netflix has more content now. That is good.) But if none of that had happened I probably still would not have watched it because it’s just not my thing any more than Marvel shit or like, The Bachelor. People are welcome to all of those things and everyone has different tastes. 

(OK, I’m putting the rest of this under a cut because as usual I went on and on, sorry. tl;dr the rest: Gillian in “iconic” roles has gotten real old for me.)

I agree Thatcher being whitewashed is a concern, but honestly I’m sure it’ll be fine and I’m not that concerned about that part of it. I know the show is well-written and I’m sure PM or whoever isn’t going in all ready to make Margaret fricking Thatcher out to be some kind of unsung hero (I hope at least). For me the main eyerolly part of her being Margaret Thatcher is that I have become very sick of Gillian playing “iconic” roles and also “strong women” roles that are like battleaxes/mean bosses. I pretty much hit my capacity for the “icon” ones with American Gods, and like, I love Gillian! You know? Of course she’s amazing and can play anything but…it felt so silly dressing her up as all these people and making her do an impression of them. Like, why? I just don’t get what the appeal of that is. It’s sort of novel and fun when you first see it but then what is the point? The David Bowie one was neat but like…I still didn’t really get it. I feel like her range could have been so much more awesomely showcased if she’d played TYPES of people on TV (we had a whole discussion about this before one time so if I’m stealing someone’s shit I’m sorry), like a sitcom mom, a Real Housewife type, a news anchor, a soap opera lady, a yelly talk show person…the possibilities are ENDLESS and would allow for some ACTINGGGGGGG. But no, Bryan Fuller loves Gillian so much that he wants to make her dress up like Judy Garland. WHATEVER. Anyway. Tangent. (I love BF but that choice was a miss for me. There are hits and there are misses etc.)

Anyway. So when I heard Thatcher I was like UGGHHH. But maybe it won’t be like that. But all this Gillian worship in the past few years, which is awesome, still sometimes frustrates me because this particular flavor of it feels very remote. I haven’t seen The Spy Who I Forget The Title but that’s an example. She’s like, a scary remote icy boss lady that everyone thinks is hot? OK, thanks for your EXTREMELY SURFACE-LEVEL appreciation of GA based on a time that you watched one (1) episode of XF for 10 minutes at 3 am while you were doing your homework 22 years ago. (ETA: I freely admit also that this is a way of looking at/appreciating Gillian that many people do relate to and that I simply do not.) And all the press for that movie is, omg Gillian is so hot I was nervous to meet her. I thought she would be mean and scary but she was nice. Like she’s this visiting deity. It’s cute that people are so impressed by her and I love that (I have that “keep complimenting my baby” tag for a reason), but after a while it’s like, we get it, Gillian Anderson is a celebrity! The other people in the movie are just people I guess but Gillian Anderson is Gillian Anderson, omg! 

And so I also often feel like people just want to put her into these huge roles like dressing her up like a paperdoll because she’s GILLIAN ANDERSON OMG how awesome would it be to see GILLIAN ANDERSON play [whatever]. Not just for the looks, I mean, also to see what she will do with it because she’s awesome. And I’ve just had ENOUGH of this. It’s not that I want to discourage her from going for these big iconic roles; she had obviously dreamed of playing Blanche for a long time and she worked super hard and did a fantastic job. And now she obviously sees something in the AAE role that speaks to her. She should do the roles she’s interested in and of course she should get credit for being awesome and iconic. But I also kinda felt this way when people were like SHE SHOULD PLAY BOND. I think she would be a great Bond, but it would be all the stuff that is boring to me: an iconic role that everyone can’t wait to give to her, a bunch of action, iciness, steeliness, all that stuff that I feel like people are always foisting on her and that she is so much more than (and more interesting than). This BIGGER THAN LIFE thing that people want her to do because GILLIAN ANDERSON!!! IS AN ICON! 

Sex Ed (which we found out that we also have Peter to thank for! So this is not a “Peter is evil” post, thanks) was so WONDERFULLY refreshing in both these regards and I hope hope hope hope hope G gets more roles like that in the future now that everyone knows that she is A DELIGHT. And she can play a fallible weirdo, and be funny, and wear normal-person clothes and not just a pencil skirt and high heels, and just be a random person that lives in a town with all the other people, and have an emotional arc where she’s unsure of herself and a little foolish, and not just be someone that basically is the silent center of everything and everyone’s afraid of her and she just walks around being amazing and intimidating everyone. She’s good at that! It’s great and fine! But that’s not all she is! And when those are the roles she plays I want to be like, how isolating is that? Maybe she likes it? I don’t know. It’s certainly flattering but to me it feels like an extension of people fangirling over her at a con or something. She shows up, she’s interacting with everyone but she’s on this pedestal. 

So, I don’t think the Thatcher thing will be exactly like that, but it’s another role where she dresses up in period clothes with a big stiff wig and does an impression of a well-known person and (I’m guessing) will be steely and untouchable and a mean boss lady. (And if she’s not that will be another concern, the “humanizing Margaret Thatcher” angle.) And everyone will be like, what an ICONIC ROLE for GILLIAN ANDERSON! So, yeah. It’ll be fun to see how it all comes together and I’ll be curious to see how she looks and how she pulls it off and all that stuff. But it’s not a role where I personally am like omg I can’t wait to see Gillian do such a thing. When am I going to get to see her in a pair of jeans working in a gardening shop with a dog or something? I’m sure she could be ICONIC and AMAZING in that role too. 

Anyway, complain complain. It’s a great role and I’m sure it’ll be good for her career. I’m GLAD everyone loves her and that she’s doing so well! I just hope she keeps getting offered more comedy-type stuff too.

Sorry, I pretty much got off track answering your ask here. Oh, and: OF COURSE she got the role partly because Peter is her boyfriend. I mean, that’s a little eyerolly but you know, it happens. I don’t think it’s like how Tori Spelling said she auditioned for Donna in 90210 in disguise wearing an ugly blouse from JC Penney (to quote a very old SNL sketch) and claimed no one knew she was Aaron Spelling’s daughter. Like, they knew. And I don’t think The Crown auditioned Margaret Thatchers and picked Gillian blindly and then Peter Morgan was like “Whaaaaaat, that’s my girlfriend!” and they were like “WHAT?? I HAD NO IDEA” like, obviously she got it partly because she’s Peter’s girlfriend. Pretending otherwise is silly. But people cast their friends/etc all the time. And it’s not like she’s some shitty actress who doesn’t deserve the role. She certainly DESERVES it, and it’s very much along the lines of stuff that people cast her for all the time. 

Anyway. These are just my opinions based very much on my specific tastes, which Gillian is not required to cater to! She will do great in this role and I hope she gets a ton of kudos and maybe even awards attention for it. I’ll mean to watch her parts of it and then knowing me I won’t get around to it as I never have for Great Expectations, the French movie, the Michael Caine movie, Viceroy’s House, the one where she plays Wallis Simpson…etc.