#what if I drew my dnd character sobbing instead of talking about my feelings or reaching out to my friends | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nimhmistsong · 2 years

Text

Ok, I don't know why I'm in such a sappy, pathetic mood. But I'm threathening to burst at the seams, and I'm silently crying about it, and I can't speak about this topic in my home because no one shares my interest. And I don't wanna make anyone else have to deal with my baggage. So I'm going to scream into the void instead.

Mollymauk motherfucking Tealeaf

Recently my DND group was chatting and of course we all like critical role. So we ended up talking about that. We ended up ranking who were our favorite characters in campaign 2. And when I thought about it objectively. I found Beauregard topped my list, followed by Caleb and Cad in second, then Yasha, followed by Mollymauk and Fjord who tied for fourth, etc. Which was shocking since- I mean look at my past posts. I can't shut up about the man!

It made me think about why I love Mollymauk so much outside of critical role. While inside it he's not even my top character of his party. Or even in the top three. And it ended up being a lot of things.

Now warning, this is gonna get sad. Suicide and depression will get mentioned past this point.

I've always drawn, wrote stories, and other outlets like that. Mostly cause I had nothing else to do. I was an asthmatic who lived in the south surrounded by fires, dust, and garbage air quality. I couldn't go outside because it physically hurt. Being inside wasn't much better. It was pathetic. At one point, I stopped drawing. I remember it, ripping up and shredding every single piece I had ever drawn up to that point, but not what had actually instigated it. But I remember doing it and sobbing and I didn't draw for almost a decade after.

Parents got divorced years in, I got taken with one by myself. Ended up taking an attempt on my life. Failed.

Not long after that I was perusing the internet and saw this gorgeous fanart. It was of a peaceful looking purple skinned, horned man surrounded by flowers. He was so pretty and I found more pictures of him, and had to learn more about this pretty character.

That's when I learned about DND and Mollymauk. Ended up watching critical role pretty late into campaign 2. There was something special about this character.

Now, you know when you just can't be objective about something? When a character or story holds so much nostalgia for you. Or hits all the right things for you that you just can't look at it objectively. Mollymauk was and is that for me. Especially in terms of personality and design. The more episodes I got with him the more he became my new hyper fixation.

One day, I actually had the urge to try and draw. It went miserably. Everything I tried crashed and burned. Any skill I had was long gone. Then I ended up trying to draw Mollymauk. It was shit. Objectively, I knew it was. But something about drawing him was fun. I can't put an exact reason why. But I adore the actual act of drawing him. So I drew him some more.

Eventually I got back into writing too. Because I wanted to write about the character who I enjoyed so much. It's the stupidest thing. But the tiefling that 'Left everything better then he found it,' worked his magic on me.

He brought childish magic back in my life. And ironically, the fact he was an asshole and he death probably aided that. It caused an absolute burst of tears. My heart ached and I got sick over a person who didn't exist. But in hindsight. I probably wasn't crying about that as harshly as I had been over just Mollymauk. It just- felt safe to cry over Mollymauk. It was the first time I cried in years. And I've felt far better since. Crying, laughing, and just feeling anything more often afterwards. Not numb.

He's a selfish prick of a character. I have quote of his written in my diary, 'You know what? I think I'm going to treat myself, I'm going to take it. I feel like I've earned something, we've had a good run of it, and I have never spent this much money on anything in my life.' Is that one of his famous quotes? Fuck no.

But I've always treated myself very poorly. I think I got it from my Momma. But if I'm not carrying most or all of a burden, I feel like a leech. I had several months of paychecks I didn't used because just buying a candy bar made me feel filthy and horrible and like I was doing something wrong.

It's so bad that I made myself cry of ver a dress once. It was the pretties thing and I wanted it. But I stood there and mentally berated myself to talk myself out of buying the expense, gorgeous dress that would have been a waste for me to buy. Its been two years since I let that dress go and it still haunts me. That's how hard it's been for me to treat myself. And hearing that line did something. I started doing this thing I did when I was small. Where I'd pretend I had pokemon with me and when I had to do something hard they were there with me.

Except when doing something hard or scary or trying to be better. I just pretend I'm Molly, that he's there, or that I don't wanna disappoint him.

It made me feel better about buying myself things because it's been hard and Mollymauk would say I deserve it. It made talking to people easier because most people aren't expecting that much. It made me feel better about standing up for myself when someone was being cruel to me because I don't need to take it. Even if I've heard and had worse done. I don't need to let someone throw me around. It made relaxing and taking care of myself easier. Even just trying to dress in a way that kinda emulates him makes me feel pretty. And I've never felt that way before.

It's silly and stupid and weird as I've constantly been told. But it works for me when most other things don't. I think that's why Mollymauk means so much to me. He's been a conduit to fix so much of my life.

Am I now in a good place and don't need him anymore? No. No, I'm still miles behind everyone else and far from being ok. I'm nowhere near being in a good place. But it's been baby steps and Mollymauk Tealeaf just happened to be the right character at the right time. And that's why he'll always be important to me. Even if he's not my favorite of the cast in canon. So even if he's story is over and it's been years since then. I'm glad Talesin made Mollymauk the way he is. Because he became the friend I needed.

Right, now that I feel better. Everyone have a good sleep! Treat yourselves! And Long May You All Reign!

#rant post #critical role #mollymauk tealeaf #feelings #im venting #suicide warning

9 notes · View notes