April 2023

Writing a Muslim Character

The Mods of the Magnus Writers discord server and community are putting together a variety of resources for Magnus Archives fan creators; these have been collated from articles on the topics, our own experiences, and the experiences of the members of the Magnus Writers discord. These are definitely not comprehensive or the only viewpoints out there, and are by no means meant as a way to police fanworks, but as a way to support and inspire fan creators in creating thoughtful and diverse works. Please note that external links will be added in a reblog to outsmart tumblr’s terrible tagging system, so make sure to check those out as well!

This resource in particular was put together by Mod Jasmine: hi, all! 

While there are no canonically Muslim characters in TMA, Muslim headcanons are common in fanworks—particularly for Basira, and sometimes Jon (which I love to see!). I have cobbled together this post from my own experiences to help support and inform fans in these areas, and as part of my diabolical plan to get more Muslim!Basira and Muslim!Jon fics to shove into my brain.

First, two gigantic caveats:

I was raised Sunni Muslim in Egypt, which is a majority Sunni Muslim country, and still live there. This means my experience will be very different from someone raised in a majority Christian country like the UK, and different again if they are not Sunni and not Arab.

I am currently ex-Muslim. This does not mean I bear any ill will towards Islam or Muslims, just that it wasn’t for me, and I felt it was important to be upfront about that. I’ll be linking to resources by practicing Muslims in the reblog to this post, whether to add to my opinions and experiences or provide you with a different opinion. I am not here to put my voice over that of Muslims, just to do some of the work so they don’t have to. Obviously, if any Muslims have any additions or suggestions for this post, I’m happy to accommodate them.

Alright. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get started with the basics of writing a Muslim character.

(Warning: this is absurdly, absurdly long)

Basics:

Muslims follow two main sources of religious instruction: Quran and Hadith. 

The Quran is the holy book, considered to be dictated by the angel Gabriel to the Prophet Mohammed, who then relayed what he was told to his followers. It is composed of surahs, or chapters, which have individual ayat, or verses. There are no varying versions of the Quran, later additions, or anything considered lost in translation. Any Arabic Quran is considered to be the same text that the Prophet Mohammed relayed, unchanged. As a result, while Muslims can debate interpretations of the Quran (although that’s often still left to the scholars), none debate the actual words of the text.

Hadith, meanwhile, are the sayings or teachings of the Prophet Mohammed. Their validity can be disputed, as they were written by his followers after his death, and mainly depend on having several witnesses for a specific saying or situation. The more witnesses there were, the more valid the hadith is considered to be.

When in doubt or should there be any contradiction between the Quran and Hadith, Muslims will always refer to the Quran first and foremost.

Denominations:

The bigggest (but not only!) divisions of Islam are Sunni and Shia, and both of those have separate madhabs, which are the separate thoughts and stances of specific Imams. When writing a Muslim character, a good first step would be to decide where your character’s family might have come from, as that could help inform which denomination your character might belong to. This will in turn inform things like the beliefs they grew up with, how they pray, their holy holidays, and so on. Obviously, all denominations fall under the bigger umbrella of Muslim, but can vary in practice.

Background:

The intersection of culture and religion affects a character beyond which denomination they likely belong to, such as whether they call prayer salah or namaz, the foods they might associate with Ramadan or Eid, and their community’s stance on things like hijab and alcohol.

One thing to keep in mind is that being Muslim is not synonymous with being Arab and vice versa. Not all Arabs are Muslim, not all Muslims are Arab or even Middle Eastern. In fact, the largest Muslim country in the world is Indonesia. That said, depending on your character’s race and backround, there is the potential they may have faced Arab elitism or other strands of racism within Muslim circles. Please see the reblog of this post for an article about  one Black British Muslim woman’s experience with racism.

And, of course, your character and their family do not need to have been immigrants at all. They or their family may have been converts instead. According to most Muslim schools of thought, all that’s required for a person to be Muslim is stating the shahada in Arabic, honestly and with intent. It goes, “Ashhadu an la ilah illa Allah, wa an Mohammadan rasul Allah,” which translates as “I bear witness that there is no god but God, and that Mohammed is His prophet.” Shia Muslims, I believe, have an additional section, but otherwise that’s it. Recite that in front of witnesses with sincere belief and that’s all you need to be Muslim.

Pillars of Islam:

These are the duties or cornerstones of a Muslim’s faith and considered to be acts every Muslim should strive for. What the pillars are can, I think, differ between denominations, with Shia Muslims having additional ancillaries as well (any Shia readers, please feel free to correct me!) but both denominations agree that the following are important:

Salah—prayer

Sawm—fasting during Ramadan

Zakat—giving a certain percentage of income to charity or the community

Hajj—pilgrimage to Mecca

In all cases, these are considered mandatory only for those who are able. A person who cannot perform hajj, whether due to not being physically able to or lacking the funds to travel, is under no obligation.

Prayer:

Prayer is performed five times a day while facing the Qibla, which is the direction of Mecca. Prayer is formed of units, called rak’at, which consists of a set of actions done in a specific order. The “How to Pray Salah, Step by Step” article linked in the reblog of this post provides fairly good prayer instructions for beginners, so check it out for details!  These include bowing, prostrating, and reciting some surahs. 

Each of the five daily prayers has a different number of rak’at, as well as its own name and allotted time of day, as follows:

Fajr, which means Dawn and can be performed at any point until the sun rises (two rak’at). 

Dhuhr, which means Noon (four rak’at)

Asr, performed in the afternoon (four rak’at)

Maghreb, which means sunset and can be performed at any point until it’s dark (three rak’at)

Isha, performed at night and can be done at any point until dawn (four rak’at)

The specific time of prayer will differ day to day and place to place, according to the sun, but those are the rough timeframes for each. It’s generally preferred that a Muslim does their prayer on time, but in practice some Muslims find it difficult to wake up for Fajr, for instance, and just try to make sure they get a morning prayer in before noon.

On Friday, there is a congregational Friday prayer at Dhuhr in a mosque called the Jumu’a prayer (which, fun fact, literally means gathering and is also the Arabic name for Friday!). Only men are required to take part in the congregation, however.  

In Muslim majority countries, the time for prayer is announced by the adhaan, the call to prayer, from mosques and in media. This won’t be the case in the UK, and the character will likely have to rely on an adhaan app or looking up what time prayer should be. 

There are various requirements for a prayer to be correct, chief of which is facing the Qibla and purity. Before performing prayer, a Muslim must purify themself by performing wudu, or ablutions, which basically involves washing the hands, arms, nostrils, face, head, and feet a specific number of times using clean water. The way I was taught these must be performed in a certain order, and the person shouldn’t speak during or after until their prayer is finished. This may be different for others.

Wudu is considered valid until nullified by bodily functions such as urinating, defecating, vomiting, flatulence, or any sexual activity. For Sunni Muslims, it’s also invalidated by going to sleep. If none of these have happened, a Muslim can perform more than one prayer using the same wudu.

Notably, a Muslim cannot pray if they’re on their period, as they’re considered in a state of impurity. 

Another important requirement is that a Muslim be dressed modestly for prayer. The general guideline is that Muslim men should cover the area between their navel and knees with loose, non-revealing clothing, and that during prayer it’s preferred that they cover their chests as well  Muslim women should cover everything except their face, hands, and feet. This means that a woman who isn’t hijabi would still wrap a hijab for prayer. For nonbinary Muslims, I don’t think there are specific guidelines yet, although please feel free to correct me. 

If praying at home, a family may choose to pray together. In this case, the male head of the household usually stands at the front and acts as Imam, leading the prayer. Other men will tend to be in front of or beside women, as generally women should not pray in front of a man. This is the case even, especially, if he is not praying.

Children aren’t required to pray, as they’re considered innocent and have no obligations, but may want to take part early on or may be encouraged to practice.

Praying is one area you’ll find denominational differences. For example, while Sunnis fold their arms in prayer, Shia keep their arms to their side, and while Shia Muslims make sure their foreheads touch a piece of clay or earth when they prostrate, Sunnis do not. If you write your character praying, keep these details in mind.

Fasting:

During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims fast from Fajr (dawn) until Maghreb (sunset) every day. This means they abstain from consuming anything—yes, even water, cigarettes, and medicine. They should also abstain from sexual activities and cursing. Most importantly, they must have the intention to be fasting. This means that not eating and drinking because they were asleep for that entire period of time or just lost track and forgot does not count as fasting.

Generally, the idea is more to try to be more pious and avoid sin throughout the month. It’s thought that the shaytan (or devil) is chained up during Ramadan, so any temptation or sinning is a person’s own doing. The way I was raised, I was taught that sawm/fasting is invalidated by sexual thoughts  and raising your voice as well. Many people also try to dress more modestly during Ramadan, with some women opting for looser clothing or a headscarf. Many Muslims will try to read the whole Quran during Ramadan. 

After Maghreb, Muslims break their fast with Iftar (which means breakfast, hah) and have a late night meal called Suhour. Since the Muslim calendar is a lunar calendar, Ramadan is 11 days earlier every year. Depending on when Ramadan falls in the year, there can be barely any time between iftar and suhour in certain parts of the world, as the sun is up for so much of the day. 

Given the length of time and difficulty involved, there are exceptions and allowances for fasting. A person is not required to fast if they are:

A child (up to puberty)

Ill or has a medical condition such as diabetes

Pregnant

Travelling

On their period

In fact, if they are on their period it will not be counted, even if they do fast. That said, sometimes people choose to fast while travelling anyway, as travel is less strenuous now than it used to be. If they’re crossing time zones they will have to consider which time zone they’re breaking their fast to. As far as I remember, it’s based on the time zone of the place they just left or started their fast in. 

If an obstacle to fasting is temporary, such as their period, they’re expected to make those days up with additional fasting before next Ramadan. Otherwise, they are allowed to make up for the lost fast in another way, such as by donating money or feeding fasting people. Whether due to societal pressure (which is formidable in Muslim-majority countries) or out of consideration for others who are fasting, those who are not fasting for whatever reason may often choose to hide this and only eat in secret.

If a person forgets they were fasting or accidentally consumes something, it does not invalidate the fast , and as soon as they remember or realise the mistake they can have the intention to fast again and continue with their day. 

While children are exempt, many families will start them off by fasting for half a day so they can build up to a full day when they hit puberty.

Ramadan traditions vary wildly from country to country and culture to culture, but generally it’s a time for family gathering and celebration. Often there are special Ramadan-specific food, drink, and decorations, and it ends with Eid ul-Fitr which has its own specific foods and celebrations. Basically, imagine if Christmas lasted a month. That’s how big a deal Ramadan is. 

In my experience, the first few days are usually the hardest. Water is what I tended to miss the most, even if I managed to stay up long enough or set an alarm to wake up to drink just before fajr, followed closely by swearing. Anyone who drinks caffeine or smokes cigarettes will likely find abstaining from those more difficult than water. By the end of the month, though, it gets much easier and I often got to the point where I barely noticed. I will say, however, that the longest I’ve had to fast has been maybe 16 hours. A summer Ramadan in the UK would be more difficult due to the much later sunsets.

Halal and Haram:

Halal means “permissible,” while haram means “forbidden.”  You might have heard these words in passing before, such as halal food, but they are used for many areas of life.  

Things that are considered haram include:

Consuming, serving, or trading in intoxicants, such as alcohol

Consuming improperly slaughtered meat or meat from forbidden animals, such as pork

Extramarital sex

Tattoos

Gambling

Men wearing silk or gold

A Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim man (although it’s fine for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman)

Being immodest

Modesty is expected of all genders, including men. If you’ll recall from the section on prayer, the general guideline for male modesty is that they should cover the area between their navel and knees with loose, non-revealing clothing. Note that for women, modesty does not necessarily involve wearing a hijab.  There is actually a ton of controversy as to whether the hijab is a fard (requirement) or not, as described in the following section.

The Hijab:

To be hijabi takes more than just throwing on a headscarf. As a word, hijab means “barrier” or “veil,” and a hijabi person would be expected to cover everything except their face and the palms of their hands, and to ensure that their clothes are loose and non-revealing.  It all comes from an interpretation of two verses in the Quran that many scholars nowadays agree to mean the hijab is required, and that some say actually call for a face covering as well, which is called a niqab. 

This wasn’t always the case, however, and these days there is still the occasional controversial scholar (I remember a few kerfuffles coming out of Egypt’s Al-Azhar mosque recently) saying it isn’t and has never been required at all. At least in the Arab world, this is largely due to the wave of Wahhabism (which is a specifically fundamentalist interpretation of Islam) that’s taken over the region in the past half a century. Before that, the idea of a hijab being a religious requirement was less widespread.

I’m not here to argue who’s right or wrong, just to make you aware that the hijab as we know it today hasn’t always been considered a requirement for a Muslim woman. Most of the women of my family never wore any form of head covering, but more and more they are an exception rather than the norm.

The choice of whether to wear a hijab can mean very different things, depending on the surrounding culture. For instance, my grandmother, the strictest woman I have ever known, got married in a very cute sleeveless dress that went just under the knees, and when she grew older she wore a head-covering more as a cultural indication of age rather than any religious reason. In my generation, in a country with a Muslim majority, lack of visible signs of devoutness have become almost a class marker, with some upper-class women using their lack of head-covering as a sign that they are “more Westernized” or “modern.” And again, I want to emphasize that this is the case for my country only. 

This will be completely different for Muslim minorities, where the hijab can become a symbol of pride and unity.

I will say that it’s very rare for women to be forced into getting veiled, whether in Muslim minority or majority countries. I’m not saying it never happens, just that it’s not the “oppressive tool of the patriarchy” outsiders sometimes think it is. Women may face some societal pressure, but by and large it is considered a choice and often an empowering one. In fact, I have friends whose families discouraged them from wearing a hijab too young and emphasized only taking the decision when they were sure they wanted to. If writing a Muslim character when you’re non-Muslim, I strongly suggest not trying to tackle the story of someone forced into a hijab, as there’s a lot of nuance there and it’s very easy to fall into harmful stereotypes. The hijabi woman who gets “liberated” and takes off her hijab is also overdone and harmful. Please don’t.

Everyday Life:

Muslims are not a monolithic entity, and some will be more devout or religious than others. There are those who will pray their five a day and others who only pray during Ramadan or Eid, some who don’t drink and some who do, hijabis who dress only in loose clothing and those who wear tight trousers or show some of their hair, some who have tattoos, and some who may date or even have sex before marriage. However, this isn’t a carte-blanche not to do research when writing a Muslim character, because even if they break a rule of Islam, they will be conscious of it, may be concerned about their community’s response to it, and in any case will be affected by it.

For instance, I know many Muslims who drink alcohol. Some interpret the text differently, saying that since the sin is getting drunk then they won’t drink enough to get drunk, just buzzed. Some only do it on special occasions or on vacation, saying they know it’s a sin but it’s fine on occasion and they’ll repent later. All of them would probably dive under a table if they thought their family was nearby.

For more opinions on Muslims and dealing with alcohol, take a look at the “Islam and Alcohol” article linked in the reblog of this post.

Here are things that a character who is a practicing Muslim might do or be concerned about in their day to day life:

Checking ingredients to make sure they’re all halal. This goes for things like food, drink, medicine, anything consumable. Things like gelatine capsules are only halal if the source of the gelatine is itself halal, for instance.

Keeping up with their prayers. With five prayers a day, some will inevitably happen while they’re out of the house. Some Muslims prefer to just group their prayers when they get home, but since it’s preferable to do prayers on time, others may try to pray while out and about This means considering the following:

Finding a bathroom for wudu. Part of wudu involves washing feet and the head, which isn’t feasible in a public location or if the person is hijabi and doesn’t want to unwrap and rewrap their hijab. In that case, they can generally wipe a wet hand over their socks and top of their head covering. 

They may carry a prayer carpet or have one stashed in a convenient location, but it’s not a must.

Finding a clean and secluded place to pray. Generally, it’s not done to pray in a place where someone will pass in front of you, and a woman must also take care to pray away from men’s eyes. 

Figuring out where the Qibla is. Luckily, there are apps for that.

If a woman is not hijabi, she would have to carry a veil and, depending on her clothes, something to cover up so she can pray.

If they’re hijabi, they’ll probably have to adjust or re-wrap their hijab throughout the day, depending on the material and their activities. This would typically happen in bathrooms or any other space that doesn’t include men, as they can’t reveal themselves to any men who aren’t of their immediate family. For more on the hijab, and the day to day realities of wearing and wrapping one, take a look at the links provided in the reblog of this post.  

A Muslim woman may choose not to accept handshakes from men who aren’t family.  She has probably considered how to deal with that potential awkwardness.

If they’re fasting, they might carry some dates or biscuits or something in case they need to break their fast while on the go.

If making plans, they might say, “Insha’allah” which means “God willing.” I was always admonished to do so to acknowledge the future is entirely within God’s hands.

If asked how they are, they might reply with “Alhamdullilah” which means “Thanks be to God.”

When starting to eat, they may say, “Bismillah,” which means ���In the name of God” and when done eating may say “Alhamdullilah.” These can also be invoked silently.

As you might have noticed, Allah’s name is invoked pretty often. While it’s not preferable to swear using God’s name just to make a point (“Wallahi”), there’s nothing against it, really.

Fundamentally, an important thing to remember is that Islam is a religion of ease and not hardship. This is an actual Quranic quote. What this means is, it may seem like there are a lot of rules to keep in mind, but there are also a ton of allowances for when those rules aren’t feasible, just like the case for fasting above. Other allowances include how an elderly or disabled person who may not be able to perform the motions of prayer can pray while sitting in a chair or even lying in bed. If there isn’t any clean water to purify before prayer or if using the water would mean lack of drinking water, a Muslim can use dust or sand to purify, and if no dust or sand is available then they don’t need to purify at all and can simply pray. 

This means that, say, if your Muslim Jon wants to pray while kidnapped by the circus, he can, even without being able to perform wudu, even without knowing where the Qibla is, even without being able to move or say anything at all.

For more day-to-day tidbits, check out the “More on writing Muslim characters” link in the reblog of this post. 

LGBTQ Muslims:

Needless to say, Queer Muslims absolutely do exist, and their being Muslim doesn’t cancel out their queerness or vice versa. While there are Quranic verses that have been interpreted as condemning homosexuality, there are also other interpretations, and queerness has existed in Muslim societies for ages. There was a ton of homoerotic imagery among Abbasid poets during the Golden Age of Islam, for example. 

However, modern-day attitudes can be difficult to get around, and queer Muslims may have difficulty finding their place in both Muslim spaces and queer spaces, the latter which often expect them to reject religiosity.

Although I am queer myself, I don’t feel it’s my place to speak for queer Muslims and their relationships with their communities beyond this, so I’ll let some queer practicing Muslims speak for themselves.  Please see the reblog of this post for valuable contributions from queer Muslims about their experiences.  

Miscellaneous:

This is mostly for all the random tidbits I thought up while writing this that didn’t fit anywhere else and also because I don’t know when to quit apparently, SO!

Allah is just Arabic for God. Muslims can and do use these terms interchangeably, such as saying “God willing,” instead of “Inshallah,” even in an Arabic-speaking country. 

Also, God has 99 names! Just a fun fact for you there. 

The Devil in Islam is pretty different from his Christian counterpart. Referred to as Iblis or Shaytan, among other names, he is not a fallen angel and there is no great revolt story, nor is he considered a root of all evil. Instead, he is a djinn made of smokeless flame who refused to bow down to Adam, as he felt he was made of superior stuff and not about to bow to a creature made of mud. His disdain for humanity is what has caused him and other shayateen/demons to try and tempt humans.

A person’s right hand is considered purer than their left, so it’s encouraged to always eat with your right hand. Unfortunately, this does mean left-handed people face something of a stigma—or at least that’s the case here in Egypt. My cousins, both lefties, both eat with their right hand, though they  do everything else with their left.

Similarly, it is considered better to enter spaces with your right foot, though only the most devout are likely to think of this all the time. This is especially considered for entering a mosque or new home.

A Muslim might say or write “Peace be Upon Him” whenever the Prophet Mohammed is mentioned, written as (PBUH), and “Subhanuh wa Taala” when mentioning Allah, written as (SWT).

The Evil Eye is mentioned in the Quran as “hasad,” and considered to be a very real thing. This jealous or envious energy is considered able to ruin good things in your life, even if the jealous person didn’t intend to. There are some surahs that are considered good to ward against it, as well as incense, the colour blue, the number five, and the symbols of the nazar (which is a round, blue-ringed eye) and the khamsa (an open five-fingered palm, also known as the Hand of Fatima). The nazar, khamsa, and belief in the evil eye aren’t unique to Islam at all. What is unique to Islam is that a Muslim might preface a compliment with “Masha’allah” which means “As God wills it,” to ward off their own evil eye. 

Much of the Quran in Arabic rhymes and is very poetic, which can make surahs easy to memorise by rhythm. It can also make recitations by a skilled reader very lovely.

Cheecha Day 1&2

So we moved to a place called Cheecha 3 days ago. We are sharing the room with 5 people. The place is close to Jamarat.

Day we got here didn't do much. I think people were tired in general. Just had dinner and went to sleep.

Next day (Yesterday), friend and I walked to Al Haram which took about 45 minutes. Prayed Asr and Maghreb there alhamdulillah. Then we had to come back as we found out some people are going to Hira. So we rushed to come to hotel before isha salat. As we got nearer we realised we would be able to make it isha salat at the hotel so prayed at nearby masjid alhamdulillah. Looked like there we were lot of Turkish hujjaj brothers there.

After isha we got to the hotel and stayed were got ready to go mount Hira. I wore pair of shoes and got a van Taxi. I think we left around 9. Got to the mountain in life 15 minutes. The climb was pretty tough SubhanAllah. I think took us about 1 hour. Had to take rest along the way. But alhamdulillah managed to get to the top. We prayed in the cave of our beloved prophet (SA). There was a very pleasant smell in there. Not sure if it was from someone applying perfume there or just coming naturally.

So we got down from the mountain. Getting down was a lot easier. At the bottom I bought this big tasbeeh. We got a taxi and got back at like 12ish.

I then went to Bin Dawood with a friend and bought some stuff to eat and drink. By the time I went to sleep it was like 1AM. So yeah I was struggling today to stay up after fajr so went to sleep pretty much after. Woke up at like 12PM. Now need to get ready for Duhr Salah in sha Allah.

We were playing in the rain. The thunder was loud, the lightning was blinding. Ahmed and I pranced around while mama made Iftar. Our shirts were soaking wet. I could smell the scent of sambosa and I saw Baba pull in the driveway. He parked his car and slammed the door. “What’s wrong Baba?” I asked. He looked at me and smiled, “nothings wrong. Just stressed” “why don’t you two go in, it’s almost time to break our fast.” Ahmed and I ran back inside and changed our clothes. We heard the azan And we ran downstairs. We prayed Maghreb and ate the food. After a while Ahmed had the idea to go back outside again. We couldn’t sleep yet because we still needed to pray isha. “Muhammad ! Come on !” Ahmed yelled. I run down the stairs and put my shoes on and close the door. It was foggy outside and humid. The rain had stopped and it was quiet. “ wanna play tag?” Ahmed asked “umm” I looked at him and touched his shoulder and said, “you’re it!”. We played till isha and finally we went to bed. “Mashallah Ahmed I’m so proud of you!” Baba gave Ahmed a hug and I ran to Ahmed. “ Your a hafiz now! Memorized the whole Quran in a year?” I smiled at him .. feeling like a proud older brother. Imam abdulmalik walked in, “here he is’!”They pounded fists. Baba shook the imams hand and we were all happy. As soon as we left mama decided that we should have a party for Ahmed. She dropped me and Ahmed off at home and her and baba left to the cake shop. We sat outside eating ice cream and watched cars fly by. We admired the colors and the styles of the cars. I ran into the garage and saw the soccer ball and decided why not play soccer. I brought it out and Ahmed got up and we kicked the ball back and forth. Eventually I kicked it at an angle and it went into the street. Ahmed went and ran to get it. An in that moment I saw a car collide into Ahmed. “AHMED!” I ran as fast as I could and saw him lying there and bleeding but he was still conscious. The person driving the car stopped and ran out towards us. He signaled to the other cars to pass us. “ Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” I looked a the man and he wore a white coat of some sort and had red glasses and dark black hair. “Ouch!” Ahmed moaned. “The man looked at his head. "Oh thank god you’re not dead! I didn’t see you!”. “ Can you help us ?” I asked and without an answer he picked up Ahmed and places him on the driveway. He went back to his car and brought out a bandage wrap And some ice packs. “ wow you are lucky, you just have a broken leg.” “ should I call 911!” “ no I already did” Said the man. In fact … “ they are here.” I heard sirens and saw an ambulance pull up. Two big men walked up to us and said, “ it will Be okay. He will be fine.” They picked up Ahmed and put him on a stretcher. And allowed me to drive along with them in the car. The man looked at me and said, “I hope he gets better soon! Be careful next time!” And with that … he left. As soon as we reached the hospital they made me wait in the waiting room and I saw mama and baba rush in. “Oh my god Muhammad are you okay ! Where’s Ahmed !” “He’s in there.” I pointed to the intensive care center. Mama ran to the front desk, “ I’m here to see my son! Is he okay! Was he bleeding! Ya allah!” The nurse got out of her seat and hugged mama “it’s okay ma'am. He’s in good hands. Besides he was awake and conscious when he arrived. Just looked like a broken leg. ” while sobbing she asked, “ when can we see him?” “Soon.” Baba was holding mama and rubbing my head. I bursted out crying. Mama and baba turned their heads toward me and said “it’s okay” In unison. “If it wasn’t for me and the stupid soccer ball this would have never happened. ” “Muhammad it’s not your fault at all.” Mama began to rub my back and wipe my tears. Baba whispered “He will be okay, if allah wills he will be okay. Three hours later the doors opened and in the wheelchair was Ahmed. We all jumped up and hugged him. I can’t believe your okay!” I said “same here!” Mama and baba Hugged him. I saw the blue cast on his leg. “Did it hurt when they put it on?” I asked “no. I don’t even remember coming into the hospital hah.” Eventually the nurse talked to mama and baba about the pain meds and we were on our way home. That night Ahmed slept soundly and I couldn’t sleep. I turned around on my bed and just watched him. I smiled.. “allah saved you brother.” The next morning, I helped Ahmed get off the bed and we went to the bathroom to brush our teeth. He kept complaining about pain and mama gave him his medicine. We sat down at the table and began to eat. Mama and baba were talking about the usual and Ahmed was gazing off into the air. I began to squint my eyes at him and something just didn’t seem right. He began to shake and his body began to lose control. “AHMED!” Mama yelled. She grabbed him and looked at Baba. “What’s wrong!” Baba looked shocked and he ran to the phone and called 911. “Hello! Yes it’s our son! ” “he is shaking violently! I think he is having a seizure! Please send help fast !” My mother began to sob she kept making dua. “Ya allah help him! Please make him okay !” I soon hear sirens and baba opened the door. A man and a lady walk in and look at Ahmed. They brought a stretcher in and put him on it. The lady put an oxygen mask on Ahmed and he stopped shaking. They put him in the back of the ambulance and we were off to the hospital again. When we arrived, some staff were waiting. They opens the back doors and rushes Ahmed in. “ Please let me come with him!” Begged mama. One of the nurses responded. “ he is going into intensive care. They will do brain scans and after that Dr.Nadeer will see the results and then you’ll be able to come in and see him. My mother continue to sob and my father held her trying to consult her and tell her that everything would be OK. as we sat down waiting in the lobby my mind wandered everywhere I thought allah had saved you brother. Two hours later mama went to the front desk, "why hasn’t my son come out yet?what happened! I thought they were just taking brain scans.” “The results take a while to come back please take a seat. We will call you when Dr.Nadeer has the results ready.” Baba looked at me “Muhammad .. none of this is your fault. Okay?” I just sighed. I fell asleep in the lobby and woke up to find mama and baba No where to be found. The nurse saw me, “ hun, they are with your brother. They wanted you to get your rest.” “Oh. Is he okay?” She moved her index finger indicating she wanted me to follow her. She took me into the intensive care unit and knocked on the door and I saw Ahmed laying down with stitches in his head. “What happened to his head ?!” “They had emergency operations.. unfortunately we didn’t catch that there was blood leaking into the brain. He’s in a coma right now and all we can do it wait.” I sat down next to Ahmed and held his hand and I began to make dua. I prayed for him to wake him. I looked at the nurse, “where are my parents ?” “I thought they were in here. I’m guessing Dr.Nadeer is consulting them About Ahmed’s condition. I can’t leave you here alone so ill wait in here with you till your parents come back.” Eventually I heard a knock. Mama and baba walked in and smiled. They hugged me and we stood there comforting each other. The nurse walked out and we all sat down next to Ahmed’s bed. “What did the doctor say?” “He said he is in serious condition. Dr.Nadeer is a great doctor Muhammad. Don’t worry. He cares for Ahmed and will do everything he can to save him. He even put Ahmed on his priority list ahead of other patience.” “Okay mama.” “Muhammad we thinks it’s best that you go home with grandma and rest we don’t want you stressed.” “ I’m not stressed! I want to be here with him too mama. Baba please.” “Son, grandmas is on her way here and we will update you everyday, okay.” I thought about what baba said. I knew it was bothering them that I felt at fault. I wanted to take some burden off them. So I said, “okay.” Grandma came to the hospital and gave me a big hug. She took me home and made spaghetti and we ate in silence. I silently went upstairs and went to bed. Hoping this was all a dream. Something bright awoke me. The sun peaked through my curtain. I put my hand over my face, and pulled the curtains wide open. I went down stairs and smelt eggs. Grandma looked at me, “ASalamualylum” “walaykum salam grandma”. “Have some breakfast!” She sat down a plate of Eggs and I began to eat. I finished eating and began to wash the dishes. All of a sudden the phone rang. I opened my eyes wide and ran to get it. “Hello?!” “Hello Mohammed. How are you?” Says mama sounding exhausted “I’m good alhamdulilah … how’s.. Ahmed ?” “He is still the same. He hasn’t woke up so don’t lose hope.” I put my head down. “Okay mama” As the days went by .. life began to not reach its full nostalgia. The house was empty and Ahmed who was my best friend,was fighting for his life in the hospital. 4 days went by and the Same answer, eventually Two weeks passed and I decided that I wanted to see him. Grandma drove me to the hospital and mama and baba were outside in the lobby. They looked drained. Their youth had disappeared. I ran to them and gave them hugs. They began to cry. I looked at them funny. “Muhammed… Ahmed passed away this morning.” Mh heart began to race. My head and my body were in two different places. I began to simply cry.. my only friend.. my brother … was gone. I became angry. “Why allah! Why ?” My grandma continued to comfort us as she made dua. In between my sobs I yelled, “I..wanttt to see..him!” Mama looked at me with her bloodshot eyes.. “Dr.Nadeer is in their .. he feels terribly sorry about this. He is even paying for the funeral… he knows what it’s like to have a loss. He lost a daughter.” I sniffled. The nurse said, “come this way.” And everyone followed but I looked back and told them “I want to go and see him alone.” They understood and the nurse too me to his room. I saw him lying their .. cold.. pale. I kissed his forehead and made dua. “At least Dr.Nadeer tried to help. Wallah they tried ! And we didn’t lose hope! But Allah wanted you! So it’s time to go! I promise I won’t forget you!” The nurse pulled me aside, “there, there. I know it’s hard but you will get through this.” I kissed Ahmed one more time and said, “inshallah will meet again in jannah”. DR.NADEER POINT OF VIEW I felt terrible … I looked at the family and my heart ached. I looked at his leg and his brain and remember Amina and how cancer took her. I tried to help Ahmed because I saw Amina in him. Two days later I went to check on him and he wasn’t breathing.. I tried to revive him and I yelled for my nurses. We gave him oxygen and he wouldn’t wake up or breath on his own. After thirty minutes … we pronounced him dead. We wrote his death certificate and once all the nurses left I sat down and began to cry. I made dua asking allah to bring him to jannah and to forgive me. I wasn’t strong enough to save him. After I re-gathered myself I went to tell Ahmed’s parents. We had nurses take his body and the family and the council team at the hospital planned the funeral. I walked out the hospital and got in my car and silently drove home. When I walked in I prayed and I took of my white coat. I set down my red glasses on the table and said, “I’m sorry Ahmed, I never saw you coming.”

AY2 ( the apology )