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whumpster-fire · 4 years

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More on Redemption Arcs

So, there’s something else I want to say about Enemies to Lovers / Enemies to Friends / in general redemption arcs, and in particular those where a character who’s previously been hurt by a villain or their associates is now in a caretaking role for that villain.

Obligatory no one is obligated to forgive someone who’s caused them trauma, or go through the emotional labor of supporting them, or ever interact with them again. But, IMO, it works better if you approach it from the perspective of: “Okay, so why would the traumatized character want to interact with the source of that trauma?” Think about something positive they’re getting from this relationship, from the character’s perspective, and/or think about it in terms of what would establish a bond between them that would cause character A to not want to say: “Okay I don’t care if they’re reformed / reformable, they’re someone else’s problem.”

And obviously there’s better and worse, or at least healthier and less healthy reasons for this. One good one is to have circumstances / the plot force them to grit their teeth and work together, causing bonding through alliance (I dunno the actual term), and at some point during or after this they go “Oh shit we’re actually friends now” (CoughZukoCough). Another of my favorites is to have characters bonding through a shared trauma. This could be a “we’re all in the same boat” situation like I mentioned above but instead of succeeding together they suffer together, or it could be through similar circumstances but not actually the same event, or it could be they’re both abused and traumatized by the same Even Worse Villain and the subordinate villain ends up standing up to their abuser and helping the hero. (E.g. @wildfaewhump’s Iesin and Talvos storyline here on Tumblr, go check it out).

Here’s a couple of case studies of this with redemption arcs I’ve written avoided writing like 90% of the actual recovery phase of, which I’m putting below a Keep Reading both because we’re several paragraphs in now and because one of them spoils the canon material, and also yeah I’m being obnoxious writing long-winded essays about my own fics even if it is my blog. Fics are linked to Ao3, check the tags and summaries on there for trigger warnings and read at your own risk.

Case One: Resurrection x And x Reconciliation

This is in the Hunter X Hunter fandom, and it’s a Gon & Neferpitou friendship, which if you’re familiar with the canon material sounds like the worst fucking idea ever for an enemies to friends arc. Long story short Pitou killed (and also reanimated as a corpse puppet) someone close to Gon, and the trauma of this utterly broke him, to the point of being so obsessed with revenge that he pushed away and hurt his closest friend, took an innocent person hostage for leverage, and basically snapped and went to utterly insane lengths to kill Pitou that it would have caused him a slow, horribly painful death if it weren’t for circumstances.

Okay, but long story short, the person whose death set this all off later turned out to have somehow reincarnated himself into another body, and Gon already processes stuff in really weird ways, so he was now left struggling to process the delayed realization of all the fuckups and reckless and harmful things he’d done, and the trauma of the actual “fight” against Pitou, and meanwhile Pitou got the fun experience of experiencing grief and loss and a near-death (technically actual death) experience for the first time and starting to process that she’d caused that kind of trauma for hundreds of thousands of fully sentient people. And also it turned out that they both sacrificed their lives to kill each other and accomplished absolutely nothing in the process, because the person Gon was trying to avenge turned out to be still alive, and the person Pitou was trying to protected turned out to already be fatally injured.

So this is kind of the exception that proves the rule because Gon and Pitou’s friendship is absolutely 100% born of shared trauma, it’s just that a major part of said trauma was mutually inflicted on each other, and supporting each other kind of helps them heal. This isn’t necessarily actually psychologically healthy or a good idea, but it’s pretty well established in canon that the only thing worse than every single adult in the setting’s track record at supporting people during mental health crises is their track record at stopping Gon from doing whatever the fuck he decides to do, and no one wants to deal with Pitou either.

Case Two: La Resistance / Fresh Ink

This is in, uhh, the Warner Bros Cartoon Universe fandom / Who Framed Roger Rabbit fandom, but by nature the canon material doesn’t have much of a plot for the former and the later is really just the setting. Lemme try and summarize this: in the final battle against the terrorist group that was creating Toons (living cartoon characters with reality warping powers) as living weapons in an attempted genocide against other Toons, the only two surviving toons on the villain’s side, Wendy Weasel and Riley Raccoon, were semi-adopted by some of the protagonists: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, and Slappy Squirrel. At first mostly Wendy because in the immediate aftermath of the battle Riley was in the ICU.

Okay, why did they spend their time dealing with her? This one’s different because Wendy herself didn’t really cause that much in the way of direct trauma to the characters who ended up supporting her - the ones she really hurt didn’t have much to do with her - however she’s just a fucking chore to try to get along with because she’s passive-aggressive, aggressive-aggressive, destructive-aggressive, and her main defense mechanism is to intensify these traits even further so she was just a hostile brat most of the time.

Well, this starts as a “Forced together by external circumstances” plot, of a sort: Wendy ended up as a prisoner after the battle - she defected, but never actually surrendered because she knocked herself unconscious while killing the main villain. The FBI did not want to have to deal with a prisoner who could teleport through walls, pull weapons and tools out of thin air, Jedi Mind Trick guards, etc. etc. etc, and the Warner Siblings just happened to be in a possession of a tailor-made prison designed to hold creatures like her (originally meant to contain them, they broke out but refused to move out) and were among the like 5-10 people on the planet who could actually fight her, so the Feds basically went: “Your problem now,” or just as accurately, the Warners and Slappy were not letting what was obviously an indoctrinated child soldier who defected and helped them get deemed “Too dangerous to let live since we can’t keep her contained long enough to have a trial” as a matter of principle.

But reason B, especially as they interacted with Wendy, is that the Warners and to a lesser extent Slappy knew what it was like to be drawn into existence and surrounded by people who hated them, feared them, or at least didn’t respect them. Again there was an attempt to seal the Warners permanently in an inescapable prison, and this was before a method of actually killing Toons was invented so they’re pretty sure the humans would have preferred to straight-up murder them for being too powerful and out of control... which was also the exact same ideology held by Wendy’s creators. And they also really empathized with the strong “sibling” bond she had with Riley (not actually supposed to be siblings but drawn by the same animator so sort of siblings and they just kinda decided they were) because it reminded them of themselves as well. This is self-explanatory with the Warners, with Slappy, in the fic she and Screwy Squirrel were siblings, and “Gee wouldn’t it be terrifying if a character as chaotic and sadistic as Screwy Squirrel was a villain was literally the starting point for Wendy’s character concept.

Also reason C is “Obnoxious child using passive-aggressiveness to mask trauma, anger, and need for love and attention” fit right in in the WB Studio Water Tower.

Anyway tl;dr that’s another example of a potential motive behind the caretakers in a redemption arc: if the characters sort of identify with the villain due to similar backgrounds to the point where they sort of go: “That could’ve been me in different circumstances.”

#whump meta #fandom discourse #talking about my own writing #redemption arcs #Wendy Weasel (OC)#animaniacs (Fandom)#Hunter X Hunter (fandom)

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 4 years

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The problem with the Amazing Mary Jane

I’m willing to be corrected on this because due to a lot of real life factors I’ve not read beyond issue #2 and only skimmed a bit from issue #4. In fact I WANT to be wrong on this subject but I have to have my say.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s enjoyment of the book but I am also not going to just let problems slide when I see them.

The foundation of the AMJ book is inherently a non-starter and relies upon Mary Jane being out of character.

There is A LOT I can dive into on the first 2 issues alone regarding this, and I planned to, but as things are in my life the possibility of doing a deep dive are not likely so I’m getting this off my chest here and now.

It boils down to MJ going along with Mysterio, staying on set, not telling the authorities and/or Peter, believing in his redemption and how she’s helping get him that redemption.

MJ is a bad ass, no question. But so is Spider-Man, and Spider-Man has limits, he knows them and (unless his judgment is clouded for a big reason) he knows better than to take stupid risks unless there is a really good reason that extends towards immediately averting threats and dangers to innocent people.

Case in point Spidey wouldn’t just pick fight with Galactus unless he had a really good reason.

In this series MJ is directly endangering herself by being surrounded by criminals and super powered villains along with a known murder like Mysterio, who has proven himself to be an outright public menace as well. Mere months prior to AMJ #1 he intentionally caused mass panic in New York city by faking an alien invasion. He’s done that before and in fact does so again in AMJ #2 when he throws a tantrum. MJ calming him down doesn’t excuse the fact that he potentially did cause harm (physical or mental) before she reined him in and is extremely likely to do so again, particularly when you consider she can’t spend her life babysitting him.

MJ is allowing Mysterio, a seriously dangerous and awful guy*, walk free after he’s escaped from custody, hasn’t served his term or earned parole, has committed more recent crimes that she knows about and is actively committing identity theft and potentially ruining an innocent man’s career and reputation. ** Even if he winds up not ruining it it’s a huge violation of Cage McKnight’s personhood. Hypothetically if the movie MJ and Beck are working on pans out great and McKnight wins accolades and rakes in the cash that doesn’t mean he approves of or ever wanted his name or work associated with that project. And that’s the best case scenario, if the movie tanks or there is a scandal then his career will be seriously damaged.

At best Mary Jane in being complicit in Beck’s movie/crimes (and legally that is exactly what she is doing) is in effect prioritizing her career opportunities and the hypothetical redemption of several criminals (many of whom are still active criminals, check AMJ #1) as well as the redemption of an awful human being like Mysterio over the career and personhood of an innocent man.***

At worst she is prioritizing that stuff over the safety of innocent civilians, herself and harm that mgith be caused to the loved ones of any potential victims. Mysterio isn’t Carnage, but he is not a good person at all and very dangerous. Even if he sincerely wishes to reform, MJ has no moral right to decide he (and the other criminals on set who’ve not been legally freed) should be allowed to find redemption outside of a controlled environment. He isn’t even like Sandman or Boomerang, criminals who at least actually risked their lives to save another person’s and thus more concretely showed active signs of redemption. All Mysterio has done (unless I’m mistaken) is essentially make a movie about himself (can you spell ego) and broken several laws and ethical lines to do it, whilst doing the same to give employment to other criminals. There isn’t any kind of legal oversight to this, there is literally one, non-super powered and semi-martial arts trained woman keeping this in check and that’s all if the super villains don’t just decide to screw the rules as they often do.

Not to mention, surely Mary Jane would have cause to question Beck’s sincerity. She’s smart, a great read of people, has super human social skills. But she’s been fooled before (remember the Aunt May actress? How about her drug addicted fellow model who lied about not needing a fix?) and Mysterio’s entire gimmick revolves around deceiving people. I highly doubt MJ would feel the guy deserves redemption (Aunt May is an incredibly forgiving person and far more patient than MJ, and she didn’t forgive the Vulture for accidentally killing her fiancé, Mysterio has done almost as aweful things to MJ’s loved ones). But even if she did it’s beyond out of character she’d go about helping him get it like this. It’s jut so contrived and badly written.

Now I want to be clear about all this.

This isn’t me saying Leah Williams is exactly a bad Mary Jane writer.

Because as bullshit as the foundation and context of this series is Williams nails a lot of who MJ is within that context.

Put it to you like this.

It’s unbelievable that MJ would allow Mysterio to continue to impersonate Cage McKnight. But hypothetically if she did, her rebranding him and playing peace keeper when they seek out funding is exactly how she’s act. So Williams gets MJ like 85% but that last 15% makes everything else fall apart.

It’s not even that this direction can’t make sense. It’s that MJ’s justifications for going in this direction don’t add up at all.

*He literally drugged, sexually violated, then later killed a teenage girl…and then tried to kill her baby….twice….in a story directly referenced in AMJ #1….and Nick Spencer’s run which set up this series…which was also one of the single most famous Mysterio AND most famous Daredevil stories ever…all of which Mary Jane KNOWS about because she was in that story!

**Let’s for the sake of argument say MJ doesn’t necesarilly know the details of Beck’s criminal record. Between basic Google skills and contacts within the super hero community (like with Iron Man) wouldn’t she be able to check that stuff and see Beck has clearly not been released legally and also has not been falsely charged with anything?

***Bear in mind, MJ’s partner/husband/best friend/guy she lived with for years was framed MULTIPLE times in and out of costume (sometimes by Mysterio himself) and had his identity stolen from him in the Clone Saga. So she has full knowledge of how awful and harmful being the victim of an imposter/identity theft can be. It’s not a small crime whatsoever just because it’s not as bad as murder, which Beck is also guilty of on multiple counts.

Oh and he also faked Aunt May’s death and convinced her partner and her beloved Aunt Anna she was really dead. Like holy shit that’s twisted, even more twisted than the multiple times he’s tried to convince her romantic partner his sanity is in question.

#Amazing Mary Jane #mjwatsonedit #Mary Jane Watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #Spider-Man #Mysterio #quinten beck #MJ Watson

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incarnateirony · 5 years

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Democratic Debates, Day 1

So a few ground rules:

If you’re going to reply, be an adult about it, and don’t try to read everything in bad faith default lens. Ask questions of anyone who engages rather than accusing. And not in that presumptuous white guy bad faith questioning that isn’t a question tone.

If replying, put your comments with a lead in no longer than two (reasonable) sentences behind a cut. Because

some of us are fandom blogs first or whatever interests and our followers aren’t deeply invested

I just don’t want goddamn pillars of text on my reblog wall if I respond to discussions.

Literally if you’re a republican out to just be a shitlord and start whining or complaining or insulting or “no u”ing, see rule 4

I will not reblog or reply to any commentary that doesn’t fit these very basic guidelines, because internet trolling etc is not worth the future of our country. And that’s very much at stake now.

If you don’t want to see this, blacklist #politics and/or #democratic debates. Now, my takeaways on this, some surprising.

So, I’ll start with some disclaimers: I’m pretty much “vote for my dog over Trump” party line right now but we need to figure out a mix of “our best chance of winning” along of “award for the least tool” with hopefully a side of “I really like them and their policies”

Honestly, I entered this without being fond of Warren. She had some... establishment backing and other things that were just rubbing me wrong. I actually went in to day one looking to hear about Tulsi since I heard great buzz about her but honestly had only pulled up a few pages that sounded great on paper, but wanted to see her in action. Everyone else was littered policy ideas disembodied and, as a very visual person, I need to be able to connect to how they handle their podium beyond writing nice policy platitudes or listening to the toss back and forth online with everybody screaming at everybody else.

I’m also going to get something out of the way, and BEFORE you flame me on my marks on the image, read why I selected one that... I generally wouldn’t. First, this was my original graphic I released.

Okay so sore thumb here: De Blasio. The reason for the circling being simple: if you took every semi-valid idea of every other white guy’s platform on this lineup, gave it a little bit of meat, and showed ACTUAL LIVING PROOF OF HAVING ENACTED IT ALL IN HIS TENURE AND MAKING THE IDEAS WORK, you get De Blasio. A lot of the ideas of the other nominees is basically *hand raise* “I did that.” So like. That’s that.

Anyone with no mark whatsoever is kinda like “you’re there and not trump so good for you” but there’s some updates further down this conversation on one of those.

The internet keeps acting like Klobuchar did well and I really don’t get why. It kinda feels like our token non-canuck trying to appeal to them-there northern hunter-type and cheese folks to reach out as a middle ground without actually committing to much and honestly, she’s just not going to last.

Booker caught my eye even if I was kind of head tilting because that is quite literally the whitest black man I have ever fucking seen, but he made a point about intersectionality, marginalized groups, and held his ground. He was all but unknown to me but I at least looked at him now. On the other hand, a lot of it felt like borderline pandering. I don’t know. I’ll keep an eye on him, but he actually stood out a bit at least. Not hard with the mayo jars up there but whatever.

It’s not a rare take online that Castro took the internet by storm. I love him. Everyone loves him. I do have some concerns long-term though; it’s less having actual problems with his ideas and more knowing that ... our country is too fucked for him right now. He’s advocating some pretty heavily open borders and while in principle I enjoyed watching him stomp on Beto about that, I honestly feel like if we put him against Trump, we’d lose.

There’s people in the red party that ARE tired of Trump, that ARE experiencing a crisis about the inhumane shit going on at the border, that WOULD be willing to crossvote to make it end -- but we can’t forget that a lot of them initially voted for Trump BECAUSE of a deep seeded Xenophobia, and the level of aggression -- again, the kind of aggression I personally agree with -- Castro had may end up being very dangerous long term in getting that vote. Pretty much everyone up there agrees we need very comprehensive immigration reform and immediate action about the travesty, but I feel like unless Castro smooths his roll a bit we’re in for a long term faceplant that gives us another four years of Trumpian hell by people pulling back into their xenophobic mindset and -- if not voting for Trump -- abstaining from voting for him, which I think several other candidates have in their court.

Castro made a bit of a gaffe about switching trans genders but the fact that he tried, I guess. And considered trans in the discussion of choice and birth control etc. It could have very easily just been a stupid fumble. He’s still trying to take it into account. I can forgive that, in the scale of it, even if it has a bit of performer aspect.

Also I’m left to wonder where Castro was when they needed help running in Texas to begin with. I also just don’t see the passion in his eyes of several candidates, it’s strangely calculating on most topics. I like his platform, in theory, but I’m very cautious.

Jay Insley is just weird even if everyone likes him.

Dulaney is a meme and I don’t know why he’s even here.

Tim Ryan accidentally wandered in on his way to the Republican debates as best I can gather.

Tulsi was the one that I was watching. All in all, I was underwhelmed. And then... it got worse.

The better part of her time was spent repeating her time in the military. And while it was great watching her school Tim Ryan, that’s not exactly hard to do. The fact that she lit his ass on fire when he just about self combusted in front of the party without her help -- I mean, it was the highlight of her showcasing aside from the snazzy Rogue hair.

Somehow, for as woke as tumblr is, and the progressives that had me looking her way, I hadn’t heard of her anti-LGBT past which she’s mostly couched her opinions on and held as recently as 2014 or THE FACT THAT I HAVE FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS VETTED BY THE FUCKING TRUMP ADMINISTRATION TO BE ON THEIR CABINET, I’M FUCKING HORRIFIED.

BUT THEN THERE WAS THIS LITTLE GEM THAT I FOUND BEFORE ACTUALLY DISCOVERING THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH.

What the FUCK? What are you, seven? That’s literal pre-emptive “my sister stole my phone lol sorry” level tweets. YOU’RE A FUCKING PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE TALKING ABOUT IMPORTANT NATIONAL MATTERS LOCK YOUR GODDAMN PHONE.

Because THAT’S just what we need, we’ll go from Trump impulse-tweeting to like “LOL fuck korea - lmao sorry my sister texted that”????

Neverminding how STATISTICALLY INCORRECT that is. Depending on exactly HOW you count time Warren got 2nd or 3rd most time -- yes, more than Tulsi. She did not have the most. She did not have “more than all the other candidates combined.” And Tulsi did not have the least time, but center-ground on time. She wasted a bunch of it endlessly reciting her time in the military, scoring an okay shot on Ryan, and... well, vagueblogging about her opinion on LGBT to the vein of “something something equality my bad I was raised conservative” great. Great selling point. Great couching there. Five years ago you were fighting against me having rights and now you’re basically against government deciding what people can’t do but what the fuck is your opinion on me as a human being?

Doubling back from that problem though, that’s when I dug in her LGBT history and ended up tripping over the Trump stuff. AND THIS IS THE CANDIDATE I WENT IN TO HEAR FROM TONIGHT LIKE “YES PLZ LET ME HEAR MORE” because people I knew LIKED her, but then I find out she’s a Trump frand that has Trump-like hyperbolic meltdowns on twitter? NO I DO NOT WANT FEMALE TRUMP WITH ROGUE HAIR THANKS BUT NO THANKS.

Back to Warren, who I started with a MEH on, she came out WICKEDLY strong out of the gate. Her second half was weaker, she kinda has next to no active plan beyond talking/passing around more research on gun reform, but everything else, yes. Do I think she has the potential weight to pull it off, yes. And most of all, watching as she gets mad, upset, or emotional, do I believe she believes everything she said tonight, yes. Look, I know there’s STUFF about her claiming she had Native American heritage or whatever but I’m honestly so far past giving a fuck about the obscure shit like that if they have decent policies because our country is so FUCKED right now that I DONT CARE. She held her ground.

So in the end my spread ends up looking more like

of day 1 contenders, Warren still maintains her strong chance. Castro kind of sprouted up out of the earth and I really goddamn like him, but I do hold caution for my reasons above, because again, our country is THAT FUCKED.

Booker really turned some heads and I liked him Booker... Booker’s very concerned about a lot of marginalized intersectional issues and it took him from “who the fuck is that” onto my radar which is a leap, but he didn’t drill in as hard as Castro did to my mind and I feel like he’s just... I dunno, I could be wrong but I feel like he’s gonna fade. Beto, IDK, still exists, isn’t an embarrassment and doesn’t just morph in with the other white guys up there. He’s not Trump. So I won’t delete him, but let’s say he barely, and I mean BARELY hedged into my consideration in this image, I almost just cropped it over to Warren.

De Blasio is just sort of “status quo, but actually enacts it” but I wouldn’t weep to see him vanish, either. In the end out of this debate though, I see like

Everyone else go home.

ON THE OTHER HAND, MOST CANDIDATES I’M ACTIVELY INTERESTED IN ARE ON THE FLOOR TOMORROW, WHICH BY THE LINEUP IS SLATED TO BE A BLOODBATH.

I’m really, REALLY hoping everybody has the common sense to make such an ass of Biden he’s knocked out early. Like that’s part of why I’m so goddamn interested in day 2. If we end up with Trump vs Biden we might as well all just put on our goddamn clown suits but he has the fiscal backing to push through even if he shouldn’t unless he’s utterly DECIMATED early on.

I don’t like Kamala Harris’ prison industrial complex CRAP but I’d be HAPPY to watch her drag Biden around like a wet rag. Sanders is a given point of interest. Buttigieg is another one to watch. Yang... isn’t... gonna last. But is just sort of a ... fun thing to watch I guess in this mix up. Someone else may surprise me, I don’t know.

#politics #democratic debates

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adambstingus · 5 years

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Which Fuckboy You Should Date Based On Your Horoscope

As modern women, we are all doomed to hit it with a fuckboy at least once in our lives, if we want to maintain the steady stream of sexual attention TV and movies say we should be receiving at all times. But which type of fuckboy is the best for you? Well what better way to find that out than to base it on the approximate locations of the planets when you were born? Honestly, seems like a much more accurate system than basing it on the two best photos of someone that may or may not be from 15 pounds ago and a bio that their best girl friend wrote that is almost 100% lies.

ARIES: THE EMOTIONAL FUCKBOY

Aries betches are all drama, so they’re going to want a fuckboy who can keep up. What’s the point of having a drunken screaming match in the middle of an Arby’s if the guy you’re yelling at isn’t even going to throw fries at the cashier? Aries enjoy bringing excitement into others’ lives, and what could be more exciting than showing up at someone’s window with gasoline and a lit match demanding to know if he’s sleeping with other people? Your friends will absolutely hate this guy and dedicate entire groupchats to how to get him out of your friend group, but they shouldn’t worry. You will eventually get bored of this fuckboy and impulsively block him on all socials so that you can start the process all over again with one of his closest friends.

TAURUS: THE WEIRDLY OLD FUCKBOY

Taurus betches are down to earth and don’t like inviting instability into their lives. For this reason, they’re going to need a fuckboy who is a little bit more of a fuckman if they want their relationship to work. Sure, his hair may be receding and there’s gray in his beard, but he also has a savings account with over $5 in it and a real apartment that he like, owns. Tauruses are also notoriously bad at breakups, which is why it might be better for you to find someone who is more likely to die before that happens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this guy wants a real relationship, though. He may be old enough to be your dad, but that doesn’t mean he actually wants to a dad. You know?

GEMINI: THE FOREIGN FUCKBOY

Gemini betches are unpredictable and need constant excitement to avoid being bored, which is why the best fuckboy for a Gemini is one that fully does not even go here. This fuckboy can slip in and out of your life without doing something annoying like becoming friends with your friends or “wanting to know what you’re up to.” Hooking up with this fuckboy is always exciting because you know your time is limited, and his accent is so thick you’re not 100% sure what he’s saying most of the time. If one of you does make the mistake of catching feelings, all you have to do is say Trump won’t let you leave the country and stop answering his texts. Ghost this bro with impunity knowing there’s almost 0 chance you’ll awkwardly run into each other at your local bar.

CANCER: THE MAN-BOY FUCKBOY

Cancer is the mommy of the zodiac, meaning a Cancer betch is going to want a fuckboy that she can take care of—aka “tell what to do.” The best fuckboy hookup for you will be one where you somehow end up staying all day and cleaning his apartment after. For whatever reason, you want a man who needs help setting up his own email account. Luckily, thanks to Judd Apatow & Co., the man-boy thing is very popular amongst men these days so you should have no problem finding one of your very own. Seriously. Just go to like, any bar with a $5 beer/shot special and you’ll be picking his ass up from soccer practice in no time.

LEO: THE AGGRESSIVELY HONEST FUCKBOY

As a Leo betch, you are proud AF and have no time for people who want to fuck with you. That’s why the fuckboy in your life needs to be the rare kind that are aggressively honest about everything. Like, the type of dude who will stop you mid-bone to tell you he’d prefer to have your pelvis at a 45 degree angle. Coded messages and random 3am sad face emojis are not going to work for you. You’d rather have a guy whose dating profile says “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site” than some d-bag who waits three dates to tell you he’s actually in an “open relationship” by which he means “My girlfriend doesn’t know I’m on this site.” Honesty you can work with. Bullshit mind games you cannot.

VIRGO: THE FUCKBOY FROM CLASS

Virgo betches are highly intellectual, meaning that you’re going to want a fuckboy who can stimulate both your body and your mind. That’s why when a scruffy looking semi-hipster from your Politics of Developing Nations class slides into your DMs, you won’t hate it. The two of you can be boning one minute, then discussing your professor’s latest lecture series the next. He might even be down to Netflix binge all the fucked up documentaries you usually save for private time. Just don’t be surprised if he starts asking to copy your notes, and def don’t expect this guy to stick around into next semester, no matter how good your thesis is.

LIBRA: THE RICH FUCKBOY

Libra betches have expensive tastes, meaning that any fuckboy who even dreams of hitting it with a Libra better come correct with the budget to do so. If a guy wants the honor of sporadically answering your texts for a period of several months, then he needs to make sure that when he does finally decide to answer he’s inviting you to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town. Any man who thinks he can bring you back to the shitty rowhouse and mattress on the floor that he shares with his 15 unemployed roommates and still get in your pants is fucking delusional. You’ll be uber-blacking home before he can say “Sorry, we’re out of toilet paper.”

SCORPIO: THE HORNY AF FUCKBOY

Scorpio is the horniest of all signs, meaning that scorpio betches are going to need an equally horny fuckboy if the relationship is going to be even remotely rewarding. If he’s not down to exchange nude snaps at work, he is not the fuckboy for you. You don’t even really need to know this fuckboy’s name, TBH. All you need to know is if he’s up and has a semi-functional dick. The two of you will get exactly what you want out of this relationship, and part ways on good terms, until one of you has to inevitably call the other three years later to let them know they should probably get tested for HPV.

SAGITTARIUS: THE PARTYING FUCKBOY

Sagittarius betches are aggressively fun, so you’re going to need a fuckboy who can keep up the pace. You don’t need some lame-ass dude who is going to show up to the club and immediately start badgering you to go home and smoke weed. You need someone who is going to show up with a stolen bottle of Everclear and a friend who says he knows where you guys can “get a boat.” Just please try to remember to tell your friends where you’re going because you two might seriously end up dead in each other’s company.

CAPRICORN: THE INSTA-FAMOUS FUCKBOY

Capricorns, like Slytherins, are very ambitious betches. That’s why you’re going to need a your man to have a certain amount of social credibility before you agree to be his fuckwoman. Anyone with less than two thousand followers on Twitter and Insta, with an average of 3 LPM (likes per minute) is not going to cut it. If you’re going to be hanging out with some dude all night, you need to make sure that dude’s Snap stories are being seen by DJ Khaled levels of people. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. This way you know that when you unfollow him, he’ll definitely notice and be pissed off for weeks.

AQUARIUS: THE FRIEND/FUCKBOY

Aquarius betches DGAF what anybody thinks of them, which is why you are more than down to break the cardinal rule of not fucking your friends in favor of totally fucking all of your friends. You like to have deep connections and personal history with the people in your life, which is why the friend/fuckboy is perfect for you. The two of you can hop into bed together knowing the full catalogue of shitty things you’ve said about previous lovers, and when you’re done you can just roll over and commence talking shit on The Dud or that kid you were friends with in high school who is like, super Christian now.

PISCES: THE REFORMED FUCKBOY

Dating a fuckboy is tricky for a Pisces betch because pisces, generally, are looking for a real commitment. That’s why you’re going to need to find yourself a fuckboy who has turned his back on his fuckboyish tendencies and is ready for a relationship that also exists outside the hours of midnight and 3am. Does he still wear a flat brim and pounds of body spray that somehow smells both good and bad? Sure. Is he going to freak out when, one week in, you casually bring up that your parents are in town? Nope. He’s all about it. In fact, he has personalized gifts for each member of your family and already knows all their names from memorizing your social media profiles. Just don’t expect him to be good at texting. No man is actually good at texting.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/which-fuckboy-you-should-date-based-on-your-horoscope/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/183585300987

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