#weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore
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#tis i! tragic daughter one of three!#motherless at age 26#the last wake was today and this was more fun than the 1st. more casual. my moms childhood friends were there#ans it was fun to catch up with my uncle and his side of the family#i feel so weird tho. bc ppl r asking how we r and like genuinely i feel fine most of the time#like my sister is like: i sacrificed so much for my mom and i saw her downslide into death#and im like yea i fucked off to [redacted state] and showed uo after the horrible part was over#and bc im finally on medication i really feel better than i have possibly ever. so its just weird#weird to br at my mother's wake and think: god ive wasted so much fucking time being miserable. i dont want to do that anymore#and i feel like thats an option now. i mean ill always be frustrated by the same things. the difficulty reading and focusing#and the lack of social ease. but it feels like less of a big deal now#i say that now before im entrenched in school again. but idk. its just weird#but idk i love my mom but there was distance there and i have weird insect brain which i think makes it hurt less#i dunno. maybr ill feel it more later. when im on my own again#its just that i never reached out to her. i didnt realy on her and she didnt reach out to me so now things won't change much#i dunno. well see#unrelated
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