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suujatan · 7 months

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Nov. 4th DC March

Right now, I am currently stuck sick at home , and I decided to scroll through news coverage of the protest earlier today. I don't watch TV, I'm mostly going through online written articles and media-posted videos. These are just the first few publications to pop up in my search results.

The Independent, article by John Bowden - decent summary, either an objectively written article or just one that agrees with my subconscious biases. Bowden states how the march is predominantly driven by the shocking and heartbreaking devastation occurring in Gaza, plus criticism for our nations backing of Israel's military.

Mention is given in this article (as well as the various fallowing ones) to Macklemore attending. Mention is also given to anonymous sources stating that the Biden Administration's staff has apparantly been receiving hundreds of calls from various progressive and centre-leaning democrats who do not support how we've been giving aid to Israel's activities in Gaza, described as "a backlash from the left that they did not predict."

The Independent is a British newspaper. According to Wikipedia, its majority shareholders are Evgeny Levedev (41%) Sultan Muhammad Abuljadayel (30%) and Justin Byam Shaw (26%)

Huffpost via Yahoo!News, article by Sara Boboltz - short and more-or-less to the point. Only briefly goes into the driving issues behind the protest. I dislike that the fifth paragraph describes the Hamas terrorist attack as a "brutal slaughter" that included "children and older adults," which comes before another paragraph that only states "Palestinian authorities say more than 9,000 people have died in the well-funded Israeli military campaign" with somewhat more passive language.

Huffpost, formerly the Huffington Post, is a progressive news site currently owned by Buzzfeed

USA Today, article by Minnah Arshad and Dan Morrison - decently long article that summarizes the general timeline of the protest. Direct quotes from various people who attended are include within the article. Coinciding demonstrations in New York, London, and Paris also receive mention. The demonstration is describing as going pretty civilly, with only one known arrest made in relation to the protest (specifically of a guy spray painting pro-Palestinian grafitti, aka "vandalism").

Speaker Nihad Awad of CAIR is quoted to frame the growing divide between the Democratic party and young and Arab American voters critical of Biden's support of Israel. Attendee. A statement from Laila El Haddad, who has recently lost family members to Israeli airstrikes, emphasizes how she and many people are here to say "Enough is enough" to the ongoing devastation.

Also included is a statement from Meredith Weisel of the Anti-Defamation League, who remarks that there was "zero acknowledgement of Israeli suffering" at the rally, and that most of the people on stage were apparently "justifying" the Hama's attack on October 7th. I personally dislike this quote, given the Anti-Defamation League's frequent support of Zionism, but I recognize the logic in including a statement from them on this matter. Also, whether intentionally or not, its plausible that antisemitic elements leaked into the otherwise righteous stance (between Isreal equating anti-Zionism with antisemitism, and actual antisemitic hate groups probably using Palestine as an excuse to be nasty, there's probably a great deal of misinformation getting spread about).

USA Today is an American daily newspaper and broadcasting company, generally described as left-leaning in persuasion.

WTOP News, article by Tadiwos Abedje and Dick Uliano - pretty brief, took about a minute to read. Props for the headline, I like the impact of the quote used. Article includes a couple quotes and paraphrasing lining out the main message's of those protesting: call for ceasefire, end US aid to Israel, and to end the Apartheid state under which Gaza and the West Bank have persisted these last few decades.

At the bottom of the article is a link to another one about the protesters who interrupted Blinken's testimony on Gaza yesterday, 56 of whom were subsequently arrested.

WTOP-FM is an all news radio station in Washington DC owned by the Hubbard Broadcasting Inc.

The Hill, article by Brad Dress and Filip Timotija - writing is fair enough, as far as US media goes. Describes how the thousands of protesters from all over the country rallied around speakers and demonstrated before the White House. Attendees are directly quoted on their motivations for being there, such as the killing of children in Gaza, the settler colonialism being committed by Israel, and the US backing of Israeli war crimes. Incidentally, one of the people mentioned in the article as against US aid to Israel, is also stated as strongly condemning Hamas and "any form of terrorism", only humanitarian causes.

Includes quotes from attendees mentioning how this is greater than just Jews vs Muslims, and how condemning the killing of civilians should not be a complicated issue. One of the people quoted is also stated to be involved in supporting other oppressed groups throughout the world.

The Hill is a newspaper and digital media company based in Washington DC, currently owned by the Nexstar Media Group

New York Post via MSN, article by Olivia Land and Alyssa Guzman - definitely not my favorite article. Doesn't contradict any of the articles already covered, but it definitely focuses in on the "righteous anger" of those attending, the chants accusing Biden of supporting genocide, and contextualizing of "Long Live the Intifada" being connected with past Palestinian uprisings over the decades that "left thousands dead."

The summary of black activist Marte White's statements about the rights of peoples to resist their oppressors is written to imply he is a Hamas sympathizer, describing his speech as "particularly fiery rhetoric" followed by a moment of silence for Palestinian martyrs.

Also, here's the last four paragraphs of the article:

Despite the frequent anti-Semitic tone from the speakers, one woman, Ahlam, from Maryland2Palestine, insisted that “righteous anger is not hate, it’s love.” “We should be angry when it’s our money going to fund these entities,” she said of the US and corporations’ support of Israel’s efforts to defeat Hamas. Ahlam called for a continued boycott of companies like Starbucks and McDonald’s that have expressed solidarity with Israel. “We will not get our names written on Starbucks cups while Palestinian children are writing their names on their arms so that their bodies may be identified after an airstrike!” she cried.

I dislike how the subtext implies her to be well-meaning but naive, and that the rally itself is perhaps predominantly rooted in antisemitism rather than humanitarianism.

The New York Post is a conservative tabloid owned by the Murdoch Corporation.

Oh yeah, there was also a Fox News clip or something about anti-Israel grafitti calling for a violent overthrow or something, but I didn't bother checking it out because fuck them, I've already read one rag from under the Murdoch umbrella, I don't need another.

#free palestine #free gaza #human rights #news #breaking news #I wish I wasn't sick #then I could have gone #granted #the train tickets to DC were already sold out #but still...

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biblicallyaccuratechicken · 5 months

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Longpost that summarizes an old rant I saved a while back.

[context: i was watching a yt video released last June about pride and the issues with it (particularly that year) and had been thinking lately about the US school system. the following is an edited version of the comment i typed out, decided not to post because it was too long, and saved on a document to collect dust]

I think, if someone gets their personal validation from a tshirt or a series of colors, there must be some issue there other than "that the person isn't the same as everyone else."

An issue that I see a lot in the queer community, at least the younger part of it in (particularly northern) America, is that they're so busy putting on a show and "living their truth" that they've forgotten what it means to have to truly suffer for that truth (i.e. the mother crying in public and online because people moved the location of what she considered was her child's gender identity, which was most likely impermanent anyway, when just decades ago, and even still today, American children were sorely beaten and/or thrown out of the house for being queer in any way; just decades ago, the word "queer" was a hateful slur, and still today, there are people who are genuinely afraid of me just for being subtly queer). I think both wings, left and right, are keeping us like babies, doing everything they can to divert our attention from real issues, and keep us from maturing enough to see how wrong they are regarding these issues--and desperate people who don't know where else to turn, or how, are eating it up like the slop it is.

My thoughts always return to the US education system, and how much the media is allowed to overcome what little we're taught in the way of critical thinking and ethics. We're stuffed into a place we don't want to be, with adults who think it's their jobs to parent us however they like, teaching us things that don’t fit into a long enough timeframe or in ways that aren't flexible enough for everyone to learn, until either our 13 years are up or we quit. We're assured that we'll make nothing of our lives if we don't finish, and then when we do we're assured the same if we don't fork over thousands of dollars for some piece of paper no one looks at anyway and 2+ years of wasted time.

In what could possibly turn out to be 21 years of our lives (if we don't fail a year or two), we learn very little about actual life skills and critical, abstract thinking--unless we're already "gifted" enough to already be thinking critically and abstractly anyways. Those of us who have already figured that out then get bogged down with work, burn out early, and hate ourselves for an undetermined amount of time while our "less intelligent" friends (whom we know to be wonderful and equal) go to college, get married, have kids, and build careers. We know we could be better; it's what we've been told all our lives. That whispering shadow follows us around, saying things like, "It should've been you," "Why aren't you like that?" and "You're such a failure."

And for the kids who don't figure it out, well fuck them I guess, it just means more sheep who will follow every sentimental word the media says. Why bother teaching people who don't care to learn, even though the reason they don't care is because the adults didn't first? Conflict is good actually, division is good actually, arguing is good actually, war is good actually. Why? Because, uh, wait, nope, we're only allowed to teach that reason to the Gifted kids. Shoulda studied harder! Have some food stamps.

I know a lot of right-wing bigots compare the lives we live with the ones presented in George Orwell's book, 1984. That's why I always encourage people to read it for themselves. These guys might be overexaggerating some things, but, like everyone involved in this whole debate about what we're going to do next, they have a point. The manner in which the government is raising our children, the way kids often hate their loving parents for no reason other than "it's what I'm supposed to be doing at this age," or "because it's cool." Our hearts being directed by outside forces towards the wrong things, like patriotism or cheap Pride merch. The many who don't know better. The few who do being too exhausted or busied to do anything real about it.

The worst part for me is knowing that no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I talk about it, I can't put a dent in the zeitgeist. And thinking and talking is all that I, a cherished Gifted kid, ever learned how to do, so what now? All the work ethic, all the valuing of human life and rights, mean nothing if I can’t do anything.

They teach the Gifted how to think, and the "normal" people learn how to do things on their own because they have no choice.

If only I’d been born into an abusive home, I catch myself thinking. If only I’d never known how smart I am. Then, maybe, I would be able to do something. Maybe I’d have been able to make myself move on my own, proactively instead of reactively. Maybe I’d’ve taught myself taxes, and how to stay at a sucky job. Maybe I’d’ve proactively used a knife instead of my fingernails. Maybe I’d’ve stabbed instead of slashed. Maybe I’d’ve done heroin. Maybe I’d’ve walked into traffic. Maybe I’d’ve tied myself to a bag of heavy rocks and jumped into the river, to finally feel that cool, delicious, watery peace. Maybe I’d have a knife kink instead of a rope one. Blood instead of burn. Death instead of imprisonment. Yandere instead of tsundere. Hate instead of lust.

And I would be no better off than the normal kids.

#cw: mentions of suicide #seraphposting

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hereyesblueasice · 5 years

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Who else is gonna be watching emergencyawesome's reaction videos when D@ny finally goes dark

#am i being petty? yes.#do i care? no.#we've suffered from their criticism and hate long enough #i'm going to be petty and enjoy it #anti daenerys

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made-of-complexity · 3 years

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I still struggle to grasp the reality. Wondering if I should've acted differently. But, no. I'll do it over and over again. I'll just probably change on how I allowed it to affects me.

It hurts. Verified my assumptions and wretched my heart. Knowing that that's my only worth. It made me alone more than ever. That I don't actually belong to everyone. I'm not for everyone. Remembering it still leaves a pang in my heart. Never in my life that I thought I'll experienced it.

It's sad that people gives up on me easily when I have all the reasons in the world to leave them but I did not. Because I don't give up on people easily. Although, with a heavy heart I must get myself out of the door. Because I knew when it's time to walk away.

I disrespect myself for allowing it to happened. For the sake of loyalty and belief that maybe I'll be understood. I believe in my capacity to understand yet, I overestimated it. Understanding is a two-way street.

When I distanced myself, no one noticed. No one asked, why? Are they responsible for my behaviour? Nope. But, they are accountable for their actions. I've been afraid to confront people on emotional level because they will never get it. Because they are not ready for that discussion.

I realized that no matter how much I open parts of my soul to others, they will never decipher its depth and how it meant to me. Simply because they don't see me as I see them, and as I see myself.

I've been feeling so alone. The connection we've created was like a band-aid. I'm so ecstatic knowing that another soul see me on a different light. I was wrong. I don't want to feel bad that I trust people and share them bits of me. I should've not curate myself in accordance with their likeness. My tendency to please others because I'm too afraid that if I appear too emotional and sensitive, they'll never like me.

At first I feel bad that some people doesn't handle the weight of my soul. I don't oblige them to do it. I just hope that they will respect it even though they don't understand it fully. That they will hold my hand as I deal with it. I feel the hate and anger because I was hurt. I suffer from emotional puzzles and turmoil. For someone who deals with things emotionally, it's hard. Especially, if they are not cut for emotional level.

I always chased people even if I'm not the one at fault because as much as I believe that I'm better off alone, I still long for connections with my tribe. But, I wonder why do people easily gives up on me? I'm unconvinced with this thought and it made me feel uncomfortable.

They never asked why? They only see my emotionality and sensitivity. I'm coming from a place of pain and betrayal. It's really true that putting trust to people will only leads to disappointment. It's okay. Because we are humans. We learn, accept, and let go.

I'm disappointed but it doesn’t mean that I'll give up. When I tried to return, I'm left behind.

Again, no one asked me why. Why I acted and felt that way? How their actions prompted me to have space for myself? For someone who are also an overthinker, simple coldness when not clarified will lead me to different scenarios and interpretations. My mind will wander and creates my own meaning.

When I opened my heart and what I truly feel, I feel like I'm criticized for feeling it. Making me feel that it's my fault why I feel it. Because no one asked why?

I'm disappointed. Setting expectations might be unfair. However, if they will felt like what I’ve felt. I'll never make them feel unwanted. I'll do my best to make them feel that they are not someone whom I can easily let go when things get hard and when emotions are intense. I'll never give up without trying.

They don't understand how hard it is to tell what's on my mind. I'm telling it because I'm trying to mend the connection. But, they made me feel that it was beyond repair. Is it? I feel like I'm no longer beneficial and of no use. I struggle to accept it. Slowly, I learn how to live with the pain.

I'm disappointed but all I hope to hear is, "I'm sorry." That they will respect the space I created to heal myself. From the pain I felt. Although, no matter how many times I'll open my heart, they will just see it as too much. They never try. Just like that, they let go my hand.

I can't do anything with it anymore. I can't force things. Some will only understand according to the level of their comprehension. It's okay.

I guess, those people who is meant to stay in my life will never see me as too much. Moreover, I must not based my value from others. My happiness is my choice. My actions are my responsibility. I can't expect everyone to understand my journey and where I'm coming from because we all have enough on our plates.

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slingsendarrows · 6 years

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My First Drake Album

Nicholas Rodney Drake was born June 19, 1948, and died 26 years later after ingesting approximately 30 amitriptyline pills. It was ruled a suicide. Nick Drake was an English singer-songwriter whose acoustic guitar songs navigated the tumultuous and oft-misunderstood travails of living with depression. His music was not popular while he lived but has since garnered worldwide recognition and critical acclaim in the years since.

I discovered Nick Drake and his music after a traumatic experience. Those around me, charged with my care, my built-in support system (or so I thought), did not see it that way, so I was forced to seek other ways to trek along this new, unfamiliar, and terrifying path.

Music allows me to understand complicated things, and in turn, I recognize myself. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. It was the same the instant I discovered Nick Drake, Cat Power, and the Elliot Smith types of the world, delving into and exploring the deep well of my sorrow. There is something incredibly self-indulgent about pain and suffering. It is fundamentally personal, subjective, and selfish, but surrounded by an entitled sense of affecting a world larger than ourselves; it embodies all our pain, even if that particular experience is uniquely our own. And so it is with Nick. He gave my experience words I could not articulate to myself, let alone others.

I was recently having coffee with a friend and at one point explained how living with depression has required I disengage with some people in my life. His first question, "What are you depressed about?" I hate this question. I hate it because it requires a definite answer as if I can carefully and comprehensively explain what it means to live with depression in a few short sentences encompassing the reality of it, all while holding my breath hoping what I say is clearly understood. I hate it because it is all too common. I know why it is common--because depression is difficult to explain; it is personal and universal. Personal because it happens to the individual; universal in that it happens to many individuals, more than 300 million of us according to the World Health Organization. So, is it naive to desire a succinct, identifiable, and generalizable reason? Maybe not. But I don't have one.

All I can do is borrow the words of a poet whose art helps me understand my depression, at least in part.

Nick Drake was signed to a record deal at 20 and released three albums, Five Leaves Left (1969), Byter Layter and Pink Moon (1972), and the posthumous box-set Fruit Tree (1979). While living, Nick did not promote his music and was reluctant to give interviews. Neither of his albums sold more than 5,000 copies upon initial release, and all we have of the artist are his music and still photographs. These sparse facts make me both sad and content. Part of me feels he never wanted to give us more than his music, and for me, it's enough. It has to be enough. It is more than enough.

So much can be said about the artist and his art. Five Leaves Later is a deeply personal and raw poetic exercise of a man wrestling with his creation and what it means to hold oneself sacred when the world requires you expose more than you're willing for global recognition of said art.

Beginning with "Time Has Told Me," he laments, Time has told me/ You're a rare, rare find/ A troubled cure/ For a troubled mind/ And time has told me/ Not to ask for more/ Someday our ocean will find its shore. Drake is deeply self-aware of the struggles within his mind. He succumbs to the reality that while his troubled mind is a gift, it is a "troubled cure." It allows him to see clearly with no indication as to how it can be any different. Depression feels much the same. In the darkest moments, you achieve hopeless clarity. You know what is happening to you. You're viscerally aware of how your mind is attacking the rest of your being and understand the physiological effects manifesting, but you don't stop it, you can't, your mind won't let you. A "troubled cure" indeed!

Without a definitive answer to proffer, Drake merely suggests we learn to cope in this new reality instead: So leave the ways that are making you be/ What you don't want to be/ Leave the ways that are making you love/ What you really don't want to love. It is unfair to ask more of yourself than that, especially in the midst of a depressive episode (a singular beast unto itself). Talking it out with someone helps, but therapy is a privilege not all of us can afford. The best you can do is decipher how depression ails you in real tangible ways and work towards subverting actions that turn the picnic into a never-ending feast of abundance.

My depression revels and thrives in isolation and despair. I have lived with it long enough to identify the stages of my Dementor infestation. First I had to give it an identity that is not me. I had to separate Nyasha from what J.K. Rowling describes as "the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them[...]Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself--soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

My descent begins with isolation. I cut myself off from everyone and anything capable of giving me hope. My perfectionist-in-recovery leanings make it challenging to let people close to me know I am struggling so I deflect, I lie, or just disappear. I genuflect to my tormentors, and with that surrender, they infiltrate with the intensity of quelling a resistance that simply doesn't exist. They are here for everything; they will take everything, whether you give in willingly or put up a fight. Before naming my tormentor, throwing in the towel was just part of the deal. Why bother, right Eeyore?

Next comes, avoidance. I call in sick to work more often than I should and with no strength to do anything about it, I let things fall apart. My apartment looks like a hoarders fantasy, dishes stacked in the sink become science experiments and I grow comfortable with the increasingly pungent reek of my body odour. I take Netflix bingeing to Olympic levels. I eat and eat and eat, to suppress the pain of my trauma, burying myself in pizza boxes, cinnamon rolls, potato chips and pot until all I can feel is my bloated and overly extended stomach. I berate myself for not having self-control, smoke more weed to induce indifference, wake up in regret, promise to do better, rinse and repeat.

Over time I realized this was a roommate I would have to drag along to all the parties in spite of her feelings. So I made a plan to help me "leave the ways that are making me be who I really don't want to be": a miserable, fat, unhappy, sad person trying and failing to reverse-engineer their past. I cut certain people out of my life, read several self-help and psychology books (with care), started treating my body as if I gave a shit, even when I didn't, stopped chain-smoking pot, and most importantly, discovered CrossFit and the power of endorphins. CrossFit saved my life. At first, it was to quell the hunger to be loved and accepted by a man who did not see past my fatness, but now it is to survive and live to fight another day, hoping "someday our ocean will find its shore." Expecto Patronum!!

Two songs from Five Leaves Later have been constant companions on this journey, "Saturday Sun" and "Fruit Tree.” The oddity of living with my Dementor is how surprised we both are when confronted with a genuinely beautiful day. I mean a gorgeous, sun's bright, trees rustling to the soft breeze, blue skies kind of day. Depending on how long we've been companioning in our misery, we are more likely to close the curtains even harder and shut out the realness of life outside our wretchedness. How dare it shine so unabashedly and affront us with its glory? Doesn't our pain matter? Of course not, you self-indulgent sad person. It's the sun. It rises and sets. Sometimes the days are cloudy, bitter cold with rain and snow, but the sun still rises, as it as done since the dawn of time. It doesn't consider my individual circumstances. For it will be what the sun has always been: burning and shining, bright and perpetual.

That is the sentiment of "Saturday Sun." Suddenly you're not feeling so bad. There is momentary reprieve; momentary because you've learned it is only a matter of time. You're confused when the Saturday sun [comes] early one morning/ In a sky so clear and blue/ Saturday sun came without warning/ So no-one knew what to do. After living in the depths of despair for so long, you forget what it feels like to feel good. You are anxious when suddenly your ever-present roommate takes a day, or week, or a month off. She didn't leave a note, but you know she'll be back. Maybe it's when the meds finally kick in and/or your lifestyle changes are starting to take effect, and you can cope with some semblance of normalcy.

In the light of day you remember the things you have neglected: the two Chopin concerts you paid for but didn't attend although you were dying to see Lang Lang, the numerous friend engagements you bailed on at the last minute, the phone calls that went unanswered, the dreams and goals deferred, and the countless failures to rally yourself. This sun has brought people and faces/ That didn't seem much in their day/ But when I remember those people and places/ They were really too good in their way/ In their way/ In their way/ Saturday won't come to see me today. You despair at all the time lost and wonder if you are meant to feel bad always, even on the seemingly good days when the rays of clarity reach your soul to remind you things are not all bad.

I often gaze at reality through a veneer of misery. Realizing how things weren't as bad as I thought makes me feel sorry for having considered them that bad, to begin with. Am I making up my depression? Am I decadent in my despair? Is this just an act? What is wrong with me? That is the consuming aspect of depression. Reprieve is more work. Trying to hold on to it, knowing its a losing battle, and wondering if your defeatist attitude is the reason it is a losing battle. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. You think about stories with reason and rhyme/ Circling through your brain/ And think about people in their season and time/ Returning again and again/ And again/ And again/ but Saturday sun has turned to Sunday's rain. It is fucking relentless.

"Fruit Tree" reads like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is an artist's individual understanding of fame and legacy. It is incredibly forward-thinking because Nick Drake died, I believe, understanding the value of his art yet somewhat resigned to the world not catching on until long after he was gone. Fame is but a fruit tree/ So very unsound/ It can never flourish/ 'Till its stock is in the ground/ So men of fame/ Can never find a way/ 'Til time has flown far from their dying day/ Forgotten while you're here/ Remembered for a while/ A much-updated ruin/ From a much-outdated style. Whether we yearn for conventional fame or to simply make our mark upon this world, legacy is a unique desire of the mortal. It is our final stand against death and lets the world know we were here, we mattered, we connected. I once read that immortality is achieved in the memories of those who remember us after we're gone. We are not truly dead until the last person who carries our memory dies with it. There is something both comforting and terrifying about that. We are remembered by our loved ones and the lives we've affected, knowingly and otherwise. But memory is fragile, subjective, and prone to manipulation. So how well is our legacy maintained? Does the remembrance bear a resemblance to who we really were? How we lived, loved, failed, triumphed, survived, endured, or were defeated? How can we ask so much when we begin to understand that to “err is human,” and we are all selective in what we remember, let alone how we remember it.

"Fruit Tree" is a remarkably well-penned bookend to "Time Has Told Me." We shouldn't ask for more but live in gratitude of what has been given to us, and maybe that will lead us where all our struggling and fighting against the tide has been guiding us--to a place were" our ocean finds its shore." But still, we can't help but wonder what we leave behind, the parts of us that remain beyond the veil and our ability to curate and frame ourselves. When all that is left is what is remembered, how can we not worry about that too?

Drake's response exposes the futility of these obsessive musings: Life is but a memory/ Happened long ago/ Theatre full of sadness/ For a long forgotten show/ Seems so easy/ Just to let it go on by/ 'Till you stop and wonder/ Why you never wondered why. Will the rooms of despair carry the memory of your trauma the way your body has? Probably not. Another soul will take residence there to tell their own story, cement their own legacy. I'm reminded of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," Not though the soldier knew/ Someone had blundered/ Theirs not to make reply/ Theirs not to reason why/ Theirs but to do and die/ Into the valley of Death/ Rode the six hundred. Theirs but to do and die.

Worrying about legacy after death seems futile when all we can do is live out our days, and hopefully, past the reeds of selfish thoughts, needs, and desires, we do some good that is not "interred with our bones." Maybe in death, we find an understanding of ourselves, our place, and our experiences. But there is no knowing until we go through it: Safe in the womb of an everlasting night/ You find the darkness can give the brightest light/ Safe in your place deep in the earth/ That's when they'll know what you were really worth. Or not, but what does it matter? You've done your part. You lived. You experienced things that made you, and for better or worse, you were here.

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ No one knows you but the rain and the air/ Don't you worry/ They'll stand and stare when you're gone

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ Open your eyes to another year/ They'll all know/ That you were here when you're gone

I know you were here Nicholas Rodney Drake. Long before I was born, your ocean was making its way to my shore. I understand my depression better through your music and the intense vulnerability you bared. You bore fruit within my soul and allowed me to realize that while my struggles with mental health aren't unique, it does not make them irrelevant. I remember you. I see you, Fruit Tree. Keep blossoming!

#nick drake #music #mental health #legacy #depression

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horizon-verizon · 1 year

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Queen Alicent was outraged by Lord Velaryon’s “arrogance,” Munkun tells us, especially his demand that Queen Rhaenyra’s Aegon be named as heir to her own Aegon. She had suffered the loss of two of her three sons and her only daughter during the Dance, and could not bear the thought that any of her rival’s sons should live. Angrily, Her Grace reminded Lord Corlys that she had twice proposed terms of peace to Rhaenyra, only to have her overtures rejected with scorn. It fell to Lord Larys the Clubfoot to pour oil on the troubled waters, calming the queen with a quiet reminder of all they had discussed in Lord Baratheon’s tent, and persuading her to consent to the Sea Snake’s proposals. - Fire & Blood [the short, sad reign of Aegon II]

at this point, I'll personally put Alicent to sword istg. like this particular part:

She had suffered the loss of two of her three sons and her only daughter during the Dance, and could not bear the thought that any of her rival’s sons should live.

In the war she started! Like the fuck?! its her own fault. the gall to wish that 'non of her rival's sons should live' like ugh im so angry. Luke, Jace, Joffrey, Daemon, Rhaenyra, Rhaenys all dead, along with Alicent's sons, in the war she started. not to forget countless others noble born or common. And the dragons.

Rhaenyra was too good just too decent for the greens. should have put each and every green to sword when she took kings landing.

As far as we've seen of Rhaenyra, if she would have won, I think she would have taken Jaehaera under her wing like a decent person unlike what greens did to Aegon the younger and Lady Baela. Cruelty towards children is NOT Rhaenyra.

"Under her wing" vs making sure she's well taken care of, fostered under a specific lord/lady (bc as far as I know, monarchs don't and never foster), or becoming a lady-in-waiting are all different things. One implies a closer relationship than I think Rhaenyra could have been capable of with Jaehaera, since:

Rhaenyra was present enough to like Helana and refer to her as just her "sister" unlike her saying the rest were her "half-brothers". Still, Jaehaera would still be Aegon's daughter. And Rhaenyra lost 3 children, one of them a girl who never got to live at all (let's pretend the Storming never happened and Joffrey lived and Rhaenyra won it all) already by the time she took KL. Going by her passionate love and her already hot personality AND her grief-paranoia isolating her from people partially because she seemed to have felt too plied-on, I don't know if she'd be able to be around Jaehaera for long to endure that resentment/pain.

Jaehaera herself was mentally disabled and prone to crying. While seemingly sweet and obedient, I don't know if she'd be able to truly be able to emotionally connect with the busy/Queen Rhaenyra, especially concerning my point above. Not hate, just emotional distance.

Other than this, yes, I relate. I disliked Alicent for her words and behavior more than ever after the Dance ended. One may say that she grieved her kids and her losses and that is enough for us to not criticize her or be correct in saying that she was unforgivingly destructive or evil.

I say differently. That when Rhaenyra had Alicent in her clutches after KL--and she lost not one, but 2 sons and a daughter by the greens while only putting Alicent in chains--Rhaenyra did not act as Alicent did later. Which was to kill or maim children or Alicent herself. And Alicent tried 2x.

CORRECTION/EDIT 9/8/23: Maelor & Jaehaera were out before Rhaenyra could really know they were gone by Larys' orders. Aegon the Elder & Aemond are not children [she did order these deaths]; Daeron is 15-16 at this time & "leading" the Hightower army with his uncle the Lord of such house. I think she included Daeron in this order of execution & it's a bit of a grey area bc her own sons were all 16 & under as Jace still participated in a battle/died AND Daeron was actively fighting for his own side and thus was an enemy. He would have to be eliminated whether he was 15 or 16. Plus as 16 yr olds were "legal" adults in Westeros. Helaena was in Rhaenyra's custody and half mad, but Rhaenyra both saw no threat in her as she was never actually trained to be and already liked her alive her hostile, openly misogynist & murderous brothers, so Helaena was in no danger from Rhaenyra herself. Therefore there were no kids for Rhaenyra to hurt except maybe Jaehaerys (except we don't know if she knew/allowed Daemon to send B&C). Some of those kids were out of her reach to hurt, some were not "kids". But her reasoning for going after Alicents sons was that they were active hostile agents against her, which I think is enough for a justification of execution. Aegon III however did nothing and would do nothing to Alicent other than being her former rival's child. END OF EDIT

Aemond killed Luke. To keep his crown that he took from Rhaenyra and ALL of her own kids, Aegon II, and the greens also caused Jacaerys to die in a battle that never should have happened in the first place. It was one of those moments where I wish I could reach into a book/tv and knock someone out.

#asoiaf asks to me #jaehaera targaryen #rhaenyra targaryen #rhaenyra i #fire and blood comment #fire and blood characters #fire and blood #alicent's characterization #alicent hightower

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