#we wont know until after she has major surgery if its spread anywhere else
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me, wondering why ive been having panic attacks at night recently
#cancer cw /#your mom has cancer you idiot of course youre gonna have episodes of anxiety and panic#we wont know until after she has major surgery if its spread anywhere else#and even if it has spread elsewhere it should be manageable#shes not gonna die suddenly from it but like#we still had to have the 'if something happens this is what i want to happen with my remains' talk#and holy fuck that shit is scary man#and its completely reasonable to feel this way#but ive been working on emotional regulation & accepting reality stuff in therapy lately#to not make myself go through prolonged suffering and worry#but also not to ignore it completely and go right into fantasy escapism#i need to be able to feel the thing when i need to but not shut down#and let it out reasonably before doing something more productive#maybe i should make nightly posts on my dreamwidth site#since i do find it helpful now to dump out my thoughts in one go and leave them there#i used to have full on panic attacks almost nightly and liveblog them the past like 10 years on tumblr#which isnt good good but i find it helpful to stream of conscious type stuff like this and feel it#and leave it there and go on to my next task#yappin
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