#vol. 3 the subliminal versus | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

tube thoughts vol. 5

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Hanna-Barbera present Hillbilly Bears - "Woodpecked" *To stop Maw from nagging his lazy ass, Paw hatches a plan that involves hooking two woodpeckers up, only it backfires, when their screwing reproduces.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Robot versus The Aztec Mummy" *Bring me the head of Montezuma, and make it snappy. MOOVVIIEE SIGGGGNNNNN!* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Scare Tactics: ---- *Gorilla with a Fist: A slacker goes apeshit during an animal rights activist holdup at a crazy testing lab.* 2 1/2 stars

Anger Mis-Management: Aggression therapy gone wrong.* 2 stars

Fear Antics - The Mandroid: An idiot is convinced to act like a robot and wishes he hadn't when a slow thinking human goes crazy with a crowbar.* 3 stars

World's Scariest Flowers/Smell of Fear: A stalker's special delivery.* 3 stars

----

I'm Alan Partridge: The Talented Mr. Alan *"I was repellant, to women, for two years."* 3 stars

The Prisoner -- 1967 - 1968 -- "Arrival" *A Brit spy awakens in a sickly serene and isolated village from which there is no escape or cerebral evasion.* 3 stars

Shock 'Em Dead (Traci Lords) *A pizza slicin', and always being picked on, poindexter succumbs to the temptation of glowing green goo voodoo in order to become a 'rock god' in a prissy 80's hair-band.* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Judy Miller Come On Down *A bitchy yuppy's boulevard of boring dreams.* 1/2 a star *Gameshow good fortune forces a 'days of future past' visitation experience.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents J.J. Ambrams "Lost" (pilot episode) *"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without, and zero stars for the vomit vision use of shaking camera

Hanna-Barbera present Jonny Quest: Arctic Splashdown *The team travel to the North Pole to play around with whales, seals, walruses, and the coca cola polar bears. They also try to stop a Ruskie submarine crew from tampering with a crashed, in the ice, rocket.* 3 stars

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" *I was a stubborn human, refusing to give "Rise" a fair chance. I wanted humans, in ape costumes, acting ape. "Dawn" is smarter, and more well made, than any modern "Apes" movie has any right to be. Also, the scene where the villain ape rides horseback, through flames, firing twin machine-guns, during an all out ape-assault, on the human stronghold fortress is the most fun, and satisfying, thing that I've seen, in one of these "Apes" movies, since I first witnessed apes, on horseback, net a fleeing savage-human in the Charlton Heston' "Apes" classic.* 3 stars

Stargate -- Atlantis: "Rising" *Cracking through the ice to find the ancient city of the 'Gate Builders.' Genetically dialing into the unknown. Angels with ugly appetites.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Die, Zombie, Die... Again *Zombie Groundhog Day* 1 star

The Mothman Prophecies *An "It's A Wonderful Life" George Bailey type sad-sack goes chasing a shadowy figure through his own personal Unsolved Mysteries story.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Paranormal Activity" 2007 *Uninspired. for the immature,'shock' end similar to those trick internet videos where a Linda Blair face pops up and screeches when you're staring at something bland for a while.so uncreative that it's more of a threat to the art of filmmaking than digital piracy.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Swamp Thing: Spirit of the Swamp *Green thumb for a black rose.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Challenge of the Wizards *A wacky race, on horseback and roadwarrior vehicles, through a destroyed sin city, for the prize of the ultimate wizard's helmet.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow: "Pink Cupcakes" *Small screen jealousy. Picnic poisoning attempt. Girl with a goober gynecological visit. Gay bar American Psycho. Strongman finger torture. Missing maid's daughter. Lobster Boy looking for true love. Morbidity fame dreams. More David Bowie.* 3 stars

Bob Clampett's "Beany and Cecil" 1962 *"Your obedient serpent" a cartoon dragon handpuppet searches for a treasure in goldfish, solves an illegal eagle's bald shame, and screws up looking after the taco bell dog. Complete with commercials for Chatty Cathy, Matty Mattel, and Casper dolls, along with a Beany toy helicopter hat, plus the kid from 'Lost in Space' gets his own Dick Tracy official snub-nose revolver and tommy-gun (so realistic, modern parents' groups would be up in arms, ha.)* 3 stars

Silent Hill: Revelation *Ned Stark, and his bastard, try to protect Alice from underland. Flawed, but a better frightmare than its cousin series, Resident Evil.* 2 stars

Dr. Caligari 1989 *New-Wave Psycho-Sexual DADA Expressionism* 3 stars

Max Headroom --pilot episode-- "Blipverts" *Network 23's hotshot reporter is serious about getting a story, even if the higher ups are willing to snuff him out to stop it. That story being that subliminal sales messages cause slovenly viewers to suddenly 'splode.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Mad Monster" *Long in the tooth, and low on thrills, tale of a lobo named Petro.* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Amityville 2: The Possession *Building on burial ground. Basement from hell. Blasphemy. Bad ideas coming from the voice in the headphones. Big, mean daddy. Bad parenting. Beating the kids. Blessing a bloody bed. Bellybutton penetration. Body horror. Bad touch with sister. Blue confession. Black mood birthday. Bullets for loved ones. Batshit defense in court. Bureaucracy of the church. Boy saved by sacrifice. Being forsaken.* 3 stars

Heart She Hollers: And So It Begends *The "Boss" of a grotesque backwoods town tries to continue to micro-manage from beyond via a surreal video-will and his idiot son that he kept secretly bricked up until now.* 2 1/2 stars

"Born Innocent" (Linda Blair) *Cold, mechanical 'justice' for juveniles. Few caring influences. Peers that are jealous hurtful monsters. Disinterested or damaging parental figures. Yearning and underdeveloped 'wards' of whoever is forced to deal with them, and it's unfortunately a system drained of any constructive compassion or intelligent humanity.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: *Zombie Baby: The crew think they have a great idea, a zombie baby (rolls eyes). And they keep screwing up the gross birth scene and nervous kiss scene.* 1 star *Stunt-Double: The chubby mama's boy can't be thrown out of a window, so... a black guy has to take the plunge, instead.* 1 star

The Walking Dead: Self Help *Abraham scares people. He scares his family into fleeing from him, in a flashback, resulting in their deaths. He's about to commit suicide when he meets Eugene and finds his new purpose in life. Eugene needs to watch Abraham and Rosita have sex. He also needs people to believe he's smart. It's been tearing at him and he must confess his dark secret, but this might tear Abraham, and everyone else in the group, apart.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues --pilot episode-- "Station" *Happy go lucky until it gets heavy and hits with a hard left hook.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In: The New Kids *Two orphaned army brats go to live at their uncle's rundown carnival/petting zoo in backwoods Florida where a gang of good ole boys (lead by a creepy James Spader), who won't take no for an answer, decide to make their lives a living hell. Hicksploitation from the creator of the original Friday the 13th.*3stars

William Friedkin's "The Guardian" *A wood nymph (is that what she is?) who frolics & forest bathes nude. A killer tree, like from Evil Dead, that rips people apart. Fairytale like wolves devouring human flesh. Nice modern architectured home. Beautiful wind cinematography like an Andrei Tarkovsky film. Skinemax levels of eroticism. Hansel & Gretel. Hand That Rocked the Cradle. Jeep Wrangler to the rescue. A little ham-fisted. Fun gore fx.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: Legacy of Terror *For a year, Erik Estrada's character, PEPE, gets to hangout in a high-end hotel, play a flute, and be pawed over by beautiful blondes. That is if he willingly sacrifices his heart to an Aztec mummy. The fifth sacrifice in an every fifty two year ritual where the heroic are skewered so the blood god will someday rise again.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi's "Darkman" *Liam Neeson channels Lon Chaney & Boris Karloff doing Tex Avery & Chuck Jones cartoon stunts meets a macabre moody Bruce Timm & Paul Dini cartoon story in one of the first truly good comic style movies.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Corner of the Eye *A dying priest, suffering from demonic visions, is all out of bubblegum, and patience, with his alien overlords, even though they've given him a seemingly miraculous gift.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents: The Bermuda Triangle -1978- *"Annoying sounds and boring repeatitive visuals, Bermuda Triangle, you spoil me."* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Adult Swim, Newsreaders: *Motorboating Dads: Bros give parental advice for sons.* 2 stars *The Negative $100,000 Question: Smug,unfunny Children's Hospital"celebrity."* zero stars

The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy *"So television is responsible!" For the problems with the youth, today, that is. Ahead of its time in pointing out how media protests groups are misguided, could be making better use of their time, and hypocritical. Though it doesn't go easy on the media, either, which is why shows like Simpsons & South Park can be such good satires.* 3 stars

"Wavelength" 1983 *Sublime, stranded and subdued Navi 'children' send out strong signals that they'd like to unobtain our stringent hospitality in this low fi sci fi forgotten classic.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Zombie Fun Run *The town asses (Thr33 Days Dead) organize a run-from-zombies-a-thon, and the town's assclown (Ben Farley) causes one of the town's jackass mascots (a mule statue) to get ran over, leading to the town's asshole authorities going out and catching Thr33 Days Dead with their pants down and their ass hanging out when they ask them to stop being a zombie pain in the ass all over town and ban them from filming in Jas(s)per.* 2 stars

Twin Peaks: The Path to the Black Lodge *"We are all God's fools, more or less, but you will learn, as I have, the value of hate."* 3 stars

Joseph Zito & Tom Savini present "The Prowler" 1981 --Veteran's Day Movie-- *I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces... I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be slashing you... and pitchforking too...* 3 stars

Chuck Jones' "Yankee Doodle Cricket" *Call it macaroni* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Peckinpah's "The Osterman Weekend" *A cynical, Cold War, conniving version of 'The Big Chill.'* 3 stars

"Thr33 Days Dead" (Why not two e letters instead of two of the number 3? It doesn't look 'cool' and it becomes possible to mistake the title for a 'The 33 Days Dead,' at a glance.) *Plague of the 'People of Walmart'* 2 1/2 stars (It's more entertaining than Birdemic) or 1 1/2 stars (It's almost as poorly made as Birdemic) ---(((this movie is just asking to be riffed by rifftrax)))---

Scare Tactics------------ season 2 episode 6 *: A plumber's helper stumbles onto (Silence of the Lamb's) Buffalo Bill's messy bathroom secret.* 3 stars

*: "Are you kidding me, bro?... WTF, bro?..." Late night, middle of nowhere, construction site, strange cult terrorizing a bro scenario.* 2 1/2 stars

*: "You got me trippin'... I watch 'shit' on t.v." A goofy girl gets going- going- gone, when Mummyhotep begins to step.* 2 1/2 stars

*: A telekinetic tween's tantrum.* 2 stars

----------------------------------------------------

X Files ---pilot episode--- *A logical, lady FBI agent gets assigned to keep tabs on the guy, in the basement, lurking in the unexplained phenomena cases.* 3 stars

Bizarre Foods -- Ireland: Ancient Bog Butter *Waxing poetic over 3,000 year old marsh gunk.* 2 1/2 stars

A Return to Salem's Lot --1987-- *Diverges, almost entirely, from the mood and suspense of Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot. I don't even see this as being the same Salem's Lot setting as that first tv movie. That one was quirky, to an extent, but this one is really quirky. It's a Larry Cohen style (It Lives & The Stuff) 'American Gothic' fatherhood/son struggle and a secret society / corrupt small town stake to the heart of a movie. Featuring a young Tara Reid as a Lucy Westerena type, an old bitter Jewish man as a nazi hunter turned Van Helsing, and a cultural anthropologist who ironically has to try to destroy one of the oldest fabled civilizations.* I give it between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Blood Wind *A mason jar filled with murderous moonshine mist that puts everyone in a killer rage. Mr.Butterfingers, Swamp Thing, accidentally lets the lid off of it to hilarious results. The craziest, best episode yet.* 3 stars

Farscape: DNA Mad Scientist *On a rock, covered with giant dinosaur bones, floating in a cold corner of space, a grotesque menagerie of lab workers now serve one of their experiments gone wrong. A stilt stepping, kinky outfit wearing, feline-esque Dr. Frankenstein seeks out all the best traits of every living creature, in the known universe, in order to further advance its own twisted evolution.* 3 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: Love and Power *The speculative power of computer systems versus the supreme success of global forces like the Chinese. The desires of self superior people like Ayn Rand versus the so called weak and in need. Also, for some reason, a lot of looking back at Monica Lewinsky on her knees.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Asylum -- "Welcome to Briarcliff" *There are none so blind as those who will not willingly receive electroshock treatment and give morning confessional.* 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: A Tale of Two Dentists *Neglecting needs of his customers and wife leads to Bob losing them both, and both being diddled by a bogus dentist & real looney known by the alias Harry Ramsbottom.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: "The Colour of Alan" *"I am happy. That may vwwewy wewwl be because I'm on morphine."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Episode 5 *A shaken teen girl, from Sin City, is seeing the scarred and strangled spirit, of a San Antonio teen girl, who died around the same age as she is during the paranormal state investigation of the situation.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' season 1 episode 2 *"Inside the skull is another universe. The strangest, scariest haunted house of them all." Or in Lars Von Trier's and Stephen King's cases, a silly sausage factory featuring surgeons with unzipped flys, creepy ice cream man demons, aardvark assassins, and candle light dinners in the morgue.* 3 stars

--- Hanna-Barbera --- Hillbilly Bears: "Modern Inconvenience" *Paw gets mangled by Maw's flirtation with the new-fangled.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Valley of the Man-Apes *To protect the village of the Lollipop Guild, a group of stinky simians must be stopped from reassembling an abandoned movie studio's animatronic King Kong.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's 'Drive-In Theater' presents "The First Power" *Another dime-a-dozen body hopping demonic serial killer thriller. Lou Diamond Phillips' idea of playing a hardboiled detective is to pass an unlit cigarette between his lips and his fingers, constantly, and to wear a heavy, black trenchcoat, during the heat of the day, in downtown Los Angeles. The Richard Ramirez type, "Pentagram Killer," has satanic powers of a super human variety. Also, a lot of side characters' stunt doubles doing unintentionally comedic acrobatics and kicks to the groin.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Women of the Prehistoric Planet *Time paradoxes. Stereotype sneaky "Japs." Toasted thunder-lizard. Rubber snake attack. Tropical set design studio setting. Rodney Dangerfield wannabe comic relief. Death by "plush toy" hopping spider on a wire. A boy, 'all alone,' named Tang. Blue Lagoon romance picnic. Red hiney monkey. Racist astronaut shoots the first minority he sees. Feel good ending where the two minority lovebirds are abandoned, by the spaceship, on a paradise planet, with an extremely active volcano and killer cavemen.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star w/out

Hanna-Barbera -- Jonny Quest: The Curse of Anubis *Hadji's Hindu whack a mole magic, flute serpent charming, and Jonny's motorscooter camel-jockey skills help stop a doomed thief from uniting the Arab world against the West via insinuation involving iconography and superstition.* 3 stars

Sam Raimi's "The Quick and the Dead" *Vengeance is mine, said the Lady to the Lord. A Sharon Stone western shouldn't work, but it does.* 3 stars

Space Rage: Breakout on Prison Planet --1985-- *There aren't any spaceships firing at each other in asteroid storms, though there is a arcade asteroids machine in a bar. This is a space frontier, corrupt penal/mining colony western. There are no laser blasters, only traditional western handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Replacing spaceships are dunebuggies. Replacing an otherworldly planet is the California desert. There's a great, constantly playing, punk-western soundtrack, and Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, and John Laughlin are badass as usual.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Sympathy for the Devil *Harmonica playing, mystical gem having, ageless child of evil -who needs to be and deep down wants to be put at rest.* 3 stars

Transformers: Fire in the Sky *Christmas/New-Ice-Age in July, when the Decepticon grinches try to turn the earth's core into a cold day in hell. Luckily for earth and the Autobots, an unfrozen, gigantic robot makes the right decision and sacrifices itself for its love of science and all creatures, including humanity.* 3 stars

South Park: The Magic Bush *"Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take a picture of itself."* 2 1/2 stars

Comic Book Men: Brony Con *Grumpy forty-something comic nerds attempt a Vaudeville two-man horse act at a convention for twenty-something male hipster fans of a little girls' pony cartoon.* 2 stars

Adult Swim ==off-the-air== "Seramthgin" *Nightmarishly surreal art video garbage played, mostly, in reverse.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Going Nuclear *Citizen Z's paddle ball dexterity. Mt. Rushmore defaced. Glow in the dark zombies. Stealth until a zombie alert fart. Radiation sickness. Stopping a nuclear meltdown in the Black Hills. Twirling, Donatello-esque ninja staff that's actually a really long handled hoe. Hazmat suits & ammo. Radio controlled drone robot named Robbie who has a lazer cutter for mowing down zombies. Fueling up on vodka. Fleeing from fallout in a small aircraft and of course crashing. Citizen Z 'checks' zombiepedia (lame joke.) Zombie sign language? Murphy wearing a little girls' pink & cute spikes backpack. Zombie puppy love. What really is mercy?* 3 stars

--- Paul W.S. Anderson's "Soldier" starring Kurt Russell

*Thematically like Stallone's 'First Blood' mixed with Terminator 2 and other outerspace and post-apocalyptic genre movies.

Finger painted in the most broad, obvious, hack ways possible.

Supersoldier has never seen a pretty lady, so he daydreams about the one time he saw her nipples under her shirt.

Supersoldier is suffering ptsd, so he freaks out over Santa at Christmas party.

Supersoldier doesn't know how to deal with kids, so he tries to teach a kid to bash a poisonous snake's brains out.

Supersoldier is feeling sad for the very first time, so we zoom in close up on a tear streaming down his face.

Supersoldiers need to be tested, American Gladiator competition is orchestrated.

Married couple is getting romantic on a planet with limited supplies and garbage everywhere, hundreds of lit candles love scene.

Thin mustached military commander villain's gotcha moment is pissing down his pants leg in fear...*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Stepfather" *There were no real Freddy Kruegers running around in suburbia, in the 80s, but there were actually psychos like this. A Fox News fan type dad is a little too into 50s era family "perfection," and when things don't go his way, he heads down to the basement to beat on his workbench with a hammer, and when he can't take it anymore, he heads upstairs and bangs on the family with the hammer. When he's done there, he catfishes the "perfect" next family.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Cupid's Quiver *When you're skeezy, it's love made easy. The poor, wretched bastard, in this one, oozes, and then drips desperation from his every pore.* 3 stars

ABC's Selfie: A Little Yelp From My Friends *I expected this to be another obnoxious sitcom like Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, but it's more like Ally McBeal. A real bait and switch. The topic as it has been thrown out there in the media would make one think it would be about a total social media whore with constant references to current social pop culture, but it's really more of a show about a pathetic weirdo and her bizarre, unsocial behavior, and the one genuine person (Harold from Harold & Kumar) who actually cares about helping her cross that bridge back into the real world.* 2 1/2 stars

E! Total Divas: The Double Cross *One diva trades her vibrator for a date with an NFL hunk. Another diva gets jealous when her man's (pro wrestler John Cena) ass is going to be shown in a movie love scene. Also, at a movie premier for a comedy flick, starring the twin divas, the big muscled pro-wrestler puts on a blue monkey suit, and the butt and breast implant diva, along with her man, sit stoned-faced during a supposedly funny scene. Odd and insipid reality show trash.* zero stars

MTV's True Life: I Have A Strange Phobia *One Italian-American young man can't even pee in a public restroom. He has to get in his car, get on the freeway, and drive all the way home and scrub the toilet with cleaner and antibacterial products before the act. (Why not pee outside, in public, behind a dumpster or building or car? It's not really polite behavior, but it would save the trouble of going home and cleaning. And, why not just aim really well when you pee at home or not care if you pee on the seat?) The next, unfortunate, case is about a young woman who is deathly afraid of pigeons. I think there's some other attention issues there, or maybe a bit of deceit going on where the girl just wanted to get on MTV.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -- Murder House -- "Murder House" *As much a love letter to true crime history of Los Angeles as it is a ghost story. And the haunted people and haunts themselves have more personality and poignancy than most ghost stories.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Under the Bed *A child psychologist struggles with a cryptozoology related child abduction.* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: Consumed *Getting the drop on crash test dummies.* 3 stars

Adult Swim --fake infomercials-- "Smart Pipe" *Taking smartphone app use to its inevitable pinnacle by having the waste management of the world's pipes turned into an opportunity to scan shit and then use that information to in turn sale more shit to the masses.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Sheriff-in-Law *Daddy don't come around here anymore, and we're all glad he doesn't.*3 stars

MTV's "Slednecks" episode b (b because the "writers" were lazy) *Bros go Go-Go dancing. 4 wheel drive pickup truck versus airboat in a tug o war match. Drunk skanks pissing in the snow. Feeding buttered toast to the wildlife. Tundra wookies at tha club. You know, typical Alaska stuff. Saddening that this kind of stupidity is going on in one of the last frontiers. I've never more wanted a moose to kill someone since back in the day when Fox would air those 'When Animals Attack' videos.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- "Bullseye" *Desert butterflies* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones --Season 3-- Episode 2-- *Lions, piggies, crows, wolves, and a hound.* 3 stars

USA network's --Chrisley Knows Best-- "Jugs and Ammo" *Boob cake for 100 dollars. Boob job for your daughter 30,000 dollars. Protecting your sixteen year old beauty pageant girl's "vag of honor" untold dollars. Making your redneck son-in-law uncomfortable because he thinks that you're a closet homosexual is priceless.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

Animal Planet's --Finding Bigfoot-- "Turtleman's Bigfoot" *for some unknown reason, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and 30 Rock's "Bobo" travel to Kentucky to holler hunt a primate with Jim Varney's nephew Ernie the "Turtle Man."* 2 stars

rifftrax presents The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Adult Swim -- "Too Many Cooks" *Never ending 80s tv theme song intro video parody turned massacre.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Knightly Murders *Balefully back, from the Black Ages, with a big axe to grind.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Temptation *Goliath's former piece-of-tail tries to put him back under her spell.* 3 stars

Stargate --Atlantis-- "Hide and Seek" *You're not yourself when you're hungry, or an energy entity. Eat a Snickers, and be like Doug Flutie.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Babadook" *Illustrating one's insecurities into isolation, insomnia, and insanity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Saturday Night Special *Yuppy dating schemes and dreams come apart at the seams.* 1 1/2 stars *Springwood beautification project leaves a plain jane feeling numb.* 2 stars

South Park: Freemium isn't Free *Temptation. Addiction. Boring Gaming. Gambling. Micro-Transactions. Trendy drinking. Denial drinking. Pussy advertising. The Prince of Canada. The Canadian Devil.* 2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Loved to Death *More than a minute of seeing man-sized-shaped Mariel Hemingway in lingerie is like an eternity in hell.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In presents "Night Angel" *So bad it's good, succubus-slasher softcore-skinemax-style flick.* 1 1/2 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Courtin' Disaster *Haltin' hatin' the Hoppers, like they's was Hatfields, in hopes of havin' Hottiebear hitched.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics --Season 2-- episode 7 *Meat locker scab wishes he hadn't swept the salt off the floor after he meets the one armed mangler who had the job before.* 2 stars *"Pretty big, probably around 5 foot 9 or 6 foot 2" webcam show babehouse psycho slasher that ruins a horny, dumb guy's first night on the peep job.* 3-stars *Digging a hole, in the desert, for a lazy mobster.* 2 stars *Poltergeist -heather o'rourke- style closet scare* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State season 1 episode 6 *This haunted place is for the dogs...* 3 stars

"Intruders" CBS 1992 *Abductee: I was taken aboard a spaceship, by little grey men, and experimented on. / Psychologist: No, you were molested, in a barn, by your cousin.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Test of Strength" *"Come as you are" as ruined by the folks from GLEE. Strong Man vs. Amazon Lady. You're my dad, dad. Earl (Dell) had to die - Carnival Dixie Chix. Two-Headed blackmail. Dreadful Penny. Penny's dreadful dad. Tattoo nightmare. Dandy not feeling dandy. Surgeon suicide. Blonde ambition makeover.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand *"Eat, drink, and be merry. Tomorrow, you die." Then, it's all fingerwalking on the darkside, you dig?* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

Jonny Quest: Pursuit of the Po-Ho *Lost tribe lunar sacrifice lunacy.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Grotesquery *A case of toxic swamp ass lands ST in a two-bit big top, where it's all soggy tater chips and being caged while being poked with a stick with the rest of the misbegotten misfits.* 2 stars

"The Shuttered Room" 1967 *Hostile Arkham homecoming. Where the isolated islanders hold strong to ignorant superstition, when they're not trying to tear someone to shreds.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Sisters of Mercy *Survivors of a Utah Mormon "sisters wives" style society form a militant lesbian ladies only cult. No "Ah, not the bees!" moment or bearsuit disguise, but similar to Nic Cage's predicament. Story focuses on the two least interesting characters, the crazy redhead chick and her wannabe boyfriend, and not enough Murphy moments, though his getting "pie" scene is hilarious. False advertisement with the unfortunately underused zombie bear. I was hoping that it would maul the Sisters of Mercy.* 2 stars

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead *A Home Alone orphan vigilante brat and a Grace Jones / Pam Grier -esque kung fu sista join Reggie to fight Return of the Living Dead style zombies with attitude. The actors playing Mike & Jody almost seem out of place in their own series, but Reggie excels in a more Sam Raimi plus Bruce Campbell horror-comedy environment. I think I figured out who the Tall Man is supposed to represent, Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Stalker from the Stars *It twas a simple sinus sniffle twitch kill't the strigoli at that snowy eskimo carnival.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Heavy Metal Queen *ride the lightning and chase the thunder with a prairie oyster.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: The Chimes of Big Ben *There's not enough hours in the day to sail away. So, pick up a required hobby.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Rakers *Taking a stand against mindless television violence with a sport of "refined aggression." Risking everything professionally for a personal bond of obligation with an estranged and wreckless loved one.* 2 1/2 stars

Larry Cohen's "The Ambulance" 1990 starring Eric Roberts *A sinister old school style ambulance stalks the streets of NYC picking up sick people and then not taking them to the hospital but instead to an insane doctor who experiments on them and sells them to shady medical labs. Spooky.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Adult Swim's "Sit Down and Shut Up" --pilot episode-- *animated with the whimsy of nickelodeon or cartoon network kids cartoons but with the right amount of offensive humor for the slacker 3am audience.* 2 stars

SyFy's "Ascension" --preview-- 'Building the World' *Nice to see SyFy actually spending some money on a show's elaborate production.* 3 stars

CMT's "Redneck Island" Dec 2014 -season preview-

with host "Stone Cold" Steve Austin *"I wouldn't even introduce you to my dawg! MY DAWG, YA HEAR!"* 1 star

Hill Street Blues: Presidential Fever *A matter of pride. Two partners struggle with the distance between each other after being shot on duty. An undercover gets 'ruff' with rape suspects. Lady attorney holds her own with police chief lover. Gangleaders precinct meeting to hold a truce during Presidential visit. NYPD Blue's David Caruso as a top-hat wearing Irish gangbanger. Hick cop hassles the wrong barrio & almost goes vigilante to heal a wounded ego.* 3 stars

"Open House" 1987 starring Adrienne Barbeau *John Tesh is trying to reason with a rabid dog when Charles Bronson walks up and shoots it between the ears. Los Angeles, the land of broken dreams. there's only so many options for the down on their luck to vent. one is to call in crazy to the talk radio stations. another is to act like an obnoxious slob. then, there's the nutbags who'd like to find absurdly creative ways to kill the chippy sales people of that broken dream.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye *Slight fever in the Swiss Alps, with cyclops brainball tentacle aliens who like things frigid and hate telepaths.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

X Files: Deep Throat *Aim high, in the Air Force, and be an alien spacecraft test pilot. Side effects may not be worth it. It's 2 the xtreme, says 90s stoner, Seth Green.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Dark Matters *Melodramatic ghost brother space catastrophe* 2 stars

Michael Crichton's "Runaway" 1984 starring Tom Selleck *Jargon, jargon, household robots gone haywire. Jargon, jargon, science dept. mustache cop. Jargon, jargon, spider assassin robots. Jargon, jargon, Gene Simmons techno-terrorist. Jargon, jargon, magic heat-seeking bullets. Jargon, jargon, vertigo-tinged thriller climax.* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Steel and Lace" *Willard's Bruce Davison creates a cyborg out of his sister, Shannon Tweed (Gene Simmons' long-time girlfriend), years after her suicide resulting from a non-conviction for a group of corporate buddies who raped her in an alley. The sexy cyborg seduces then performs gruesome fatalities on the slimeballs.* stars 2 1/2

Freddy's Nightmares: Sister's Keeper *Freddy turns the twin daughters, of the cop who was a thorn in his side in life, against each other.* 2 stars *Freddy is determined to make one of the twins an only child.* 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "Vampire Circus" 1972 *A morose quarantine livened with a sanguinary shadow puppet sex show.* stars 3

American Horror Story -Asylum- "Tricks and Treats" *Sticky caramel on the mossy banks of a Stygian river.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Brave Alan *"The worth of boast worlds."* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: A Night In *Boring and barren, but better off than the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: The Use and Abuse of Vegetational Concepts *make like a tree and be a leaf / a cog in the machine or don't because it's a false belief.* 3 stars

"Dreamscape" 1984 *David Patrick Kelly is a creepier dream demon than Robert Englund.* 3 stars

South Park: Grounded Vindaloop *The boys try to figure out which one of them is actually stuck in virtual reality limbo. Real world Butters is cutely portrayed.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Hybrid to Hell *"Hawt Rawkin' Santy Claus in a bubble globe."* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Natural Enemy *ST beats science to the punch, when he swats and splats Beelzebub.* 2 stars

--- Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 9

*Party van fails to take police warning and runs into vampire bikers on a desert highway.* 3 stars

*Hysterical hissie over a hybrid dwarf-critter.* 3 stars

*"You ever step on a landmine, before?" nervous and shaken response "Nah, I'm from Cleveland." 2 1/2 stars

*The show's new host, a Baldwin brother, is traumatized when he's not recognized after shedding the disguise of a scary mob boss.*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 7 *A cemetery caretaker stews and his wife claims to suffer after sticking in a hole, and covering with cement, an urn of unclaimed cremated remains that had sat on their shelf for years.* 2 stars

Insidious: Chapter 2 *That's not my husband. That's the spirit of a crossdressing serial killer. Again with the Ed Gein/Norman Bates mommy issues killer and somehow crossed with the crazy killer dad -like the Shining. Also, I could do without the lame antics and shaking camera ghosthunting of the two paranormal hipster nerds. Still, I very much enjoy the eerie astral projection limbo world.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: A Cup of Time *Old age is wasting the youth, when youth aren't wise enough not to drink from its cup.* 2 stars

The Walking Dead: Crossed *Rick Grimes used to be a cop. Emphasis on used to be. Now, he's cold blooded. Come to think of it, then again...* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Halloween" *"find my nest of salt, everything is my fault... choking on the ashes of our enemies..."* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right *It's a given that grotesque Jeffrey Tambor will gore gorgeous gold-digger Demi Moore.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes *"A cockeyed nightmare or a nighteyed cockmare?!"* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Tex Avery's "Jerky Turkey" 1945 *"Don't eat at Joe's"* 2 1/2 stars

"Thankskilling" 2009 *"No more pumpkin pie, no more cranberry sauce, just turkey..."* 1 star

Twin Peaks: Miss Twin Peaks *Which way to the castle? Where there's a key, there's always a lock. Fear and love open the door.* 3 stars

"Dreamchild" 1985 (with Jim Henson creature shop puppetry) *Ian Holm makes a better Jack from the Titanic, for Alice in Wonderland's elderly Alice, than Leo DiCaprio ever could. Also, Peter Gallagher is certainly more charming than Billy Zane. He's more of a sly weasel too.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones -Season 3 -episode 3 *"In the grave, there are no masters."* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Posed for Murder"

with special guest host Elvira *A generic softcore thriller about an adult magazine centerfold being stalked by a psychotic motorcycle glove and every meathead who wants to screw her. It's one of those bad movies where the lyrics of the songs, playing throughout, sync up with the on screen stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Cutting Cards *Compulsive rivals go head to head til the last stump standing.* 2 1/2 stars

"Paradise" 1982 *A very Biblical man, Willie Aames, watches his parents get murdered by bandits, then flees and gets stranded with a beautiful maiden, Phoebe Cates, in a desert/tropical oasis where he sneaks peeks at her sinful nudity, tries to keep a chimpanzee from self pleasuring, destroys dirty medical texts, and tries to keep an Arab jackal from stealing his woman and deflowering her.* 2 stars

Farscape: They've Got A Secret *Space whale calf care is killing the crew, and crossbreeding with the empire's clone troopers is strictly forbidden and must remain emotionally hidden.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Waltz for Venus *Lacking one quality but heightening another's fluidity.* 3 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Stranger than Friction *monkeying around with hospitality can get ya head blown't off* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Murphy's Law *Every ridiculous thing this show tries to do somehow works. Drug addicted zombies, check. Viagra sex zombies, check. Murphy having telepathic control over the infected, check. The most surprisingly effective show of the year. Each new episode is something new. Rarely boring or stagnant in an all too boring and stagnant apocalyptic / zombie / survival horror genre.* 2 1/2 stars

"Walking Tall" 1973 *Landmark hicksploitation with Buford on par with Leatherface in terms of legend. A yarn that satisfies in its visceral exaltation of justice, while still having enough subtext about the road of revenge being a ragged one.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Youth Killer *sucking the life out of the singles scene* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear presents

"Fright Night" 1980s version -------------------------------

*Necking with your girl while watching late night vampire horror hosted by a faux vampire slayer from such movies.

USA network has the world's hottest show 'Baywatch' five nights a week.

For the girls of paradise call 431 Girl at 2.50$ a minute.

Psychic Talk USA... are you astounded?

La Femme Nikita, Sunday Nights on USA the cure for the common show and the common boner.

Has your neighbor committed homicide? this horror obsessed kid thinks so.

Having a horrific mental breakdown? don't turn to the town Beavis for understanding.

99cent psychic encounters. It sounds dangerous. But damn affordable. 800 Predict. I predict that if you call, you'll be out 99cents.

Rhonda is at her wedding reception, where she's trying out two potential hubbies. One is a morose long haired artsy guy and the other is a big, fat cowboy with his big, fat mama who thinks that Rhonda has child bearing hips enough to produce fifteen younguns

"Someone knows their secret." I Know What You Did Last Summer, now playing in theaters everywhere.

back to the ‘’up all nite’’ movie,

the fearless vampire slayer gets fired from his job and vents on his hatred for 80s slasher monsters like Jason.

Apparently vampires yawn in the evening and are groggy when they take phone calls.

Stephen King's "Thinner" available now at videostores everywhere.

You never thought it possible, the Motorola Wordline Pager with streaming text updates in the palm of your hand in black and grey text. It will never get more advanced than this, says the 90s business professional yuppy.

No rules, no ring, no exit, and not place to hide 'Fighting Force' for the playstation.

The legend is here, the time is now, Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger, weeknights on USA.

I'm all alone pick up the phone, sluts are standing by on another phone sex commercial.

Macho Man says REST IN PEACE and SNAP INTO A Slim Jim, OH YEAH! Halloween Havoc, Dig it!

Peter Vincent is like the Alan Partridge of the occult.

What do you do when a David Bowie type douche wants to do your girlfriend?

Hollywood's hottest stuntmen use bodyheat activated degree deodorant.

USA's Sunday Night Heat with Pacific Blue, Silk Stalkings, and The Big Easy. Turn it on and turn it up.

I miss sleazy USA network programming.

Magic the Gathering, all you need is a brain, a deck, and a friend, and an intact virginity.

Rhonda is a runaway bride when she realizes she doesn't have to be married to shop.*

3 stars

-----------------------------------------

Gargoyles: Deadly Force *"Movies, television, videogames...(sigh) it's hard to tell what's real anymore." A lesson about how our culture ignores the real drama of the consequences of gunplay.* 3 stars

Stargate - Atlantis - "Thirty Eight Minutes" *The perils of dealing with stubborn parasites, wormhole constipations, lifeboat malfunctions, and bruised egos.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" -season 1 -episode 3 *Solid cold oldies* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Conversion *The future's not ours, you see...* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Body Banks *Eternal sunshine of the sober mind that refuses to sell out to corporate swine who think they can harvest the poor & healthy in order to buy more time.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death *Fated to the fetid* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Treasure *Little Jim has a long lost relative dying on his bathroom floor, a Swamp Thing trapped in his attic unable to sneak away, and an evil blonde beauty who wants to shoot him, or his mom, with a small pistol -if he doesn't cough up the location of stolen money hidden in a junkpile out in the swamp.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Riddle of the Gold *The smite of the tiger.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 10 -------------------

*Cleaning the ham bones out of a creep's croc pond.* 2 1/2 stars

*Maids stumble onto a bloody, and active, crime scene.* 2 stars

*A ladies man looks at the wrong farmer's naked daughter.* 3 stars

*Carny folk forget and leave a horned dwarf troll in the walls of a rental home.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roger Corman presents "Streets" 1990 *For skid row kids, like Christina Applegate's homeless teenage prostitute character, it's a symbiotic game of staying ahead, and also in reach, of their constant pursuers and abusers, but sometimes the bleak circumstances highlighting the literal dead ends make it even more painful if a glimmer of hope happens to also be there.* 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum - "Nor'Easter" *Pontius Pilate wept at the end of E.T.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 8 *Remodeling the home of a early 20th century sawbones stirs spirits.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Blood, Sweat, and Tears *stretching thinly to feel the burn and avoid the fine line of permanent injury in the process of healthy activity and friendly civility* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Never Say Alan Again *pass the Sunny D and STOP TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN THINGS!* 3 stars

X Files: Squeeze *Spooky versus mutie (aka mutant).* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Coda *Rick Grimes drives a hard bargain, but compromises and evasively dangerous behavioral maneuvers, of others involved, put everyone back on the road of loss.* 3 stars

House 3: The Horror Show -1989- *"An electricity of evil." Lance Henriksen is a straight current running parallel to an unsteady moronic shocker.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Mother's Day *You gotta fight or flight for your right to party with Fredddy.* 2 1/2 stars *Weepy Wendy can't get any affectionate attention from her radio shrink mom, a seriously Selfish Sherry.* 2 1/2 stars

Ultimate Scooters: Featuring the Hot Wheels Shocker -2000- *Video time capsule documenting how turn of the 21st century bro-men took to the streets, with tots, riding toy scooters.* 1 star

Popeye the Sailor Man: ----------

*Me Musical Nephews: Runts rockabye a restless Popeye.* headache inducing zero stars

*Spooky Swabs: Ghostly mutiny.* 3 stars

*Patriotic Popeye: Safe n' sane U.S. n' A. holiday or party explosives?* 2 stars

*Ancient Fistory: Disney Princess Cinderfella Queer Eye for the Popeye.* 2 stars

*Taxi-Turvy: Scat cab skidoo.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------

Fleischer Studios presents Betty Boop: -------------------------

*Betty Boop's Crazy Inventions: Spunky sales pitch for quirky products.* 3 stars

*and the Little King: Calamity Betty* 2 1/2 stars

*Pudgy in Ding Dong Doggie: Hot doggy, Betty spank.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grampy in the Candid Candidate: Mayoral mishap calls for thinking cap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Language All My Own: Betty is super kawaii in the land of the rising sun.* 2 stars

*Grampy's Indoor Outing: homemade carnival play on a rainy day.* 2 1/2 stars

*Little Nobody: Stuck up pup and a blue ribbon baywatch doggy strut.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adult Swim --off the air-- "Worship" *vacation bible surreal* 2 stars

Squidbillies 96: How did my worm get in your taco? *Early en Espanol, an all american buttthole.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: The Bathroom Boys *Dragging the viewer into the toilet with the non-humor painful shits & giggles of Tim, Eric, Zach Galifianakis and surprise guest, the beautiful, cleaned, and dolled up Maggie from the Walking Dead.* between zero and 1 star

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Portal into Time *Apple 2 defender of the Alamo. Beastmaster 2 culture shock. Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla are Earth's mightiest Avengers. Volkswagen Beetle dragon. Ookla, a cookie monster. An escalator can never be broken, it can only become stairs, so said Mitch Hedberg. Terminator 2 style skynet tech heist. Finally, a first ever victory at the Alamo.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Politics as Usual *Bribery. blackmail. backstabbing. bargaining courts. boo-hooing. barking like a dog. busted. buttcheeks and butthole search. bathing lovemaking. break up.* 3 stars

Burn, Baby, Burn: Riots and Violence in the Modern World *unabashed ugliness* 1 star

Victor Salva's "The Nature of the Beast" 1995 starring Lance Henriksen & Eric Roberts-- *A serial killer plus a casino riches thief, both on the run, find homogeneity on a lost stretch of desert highway.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 9 *a spirit is shattering and nudging (the babypowder test, "thrilling") wine glasses in a, struggling to survive, sports bar.* 1/2 a star

The Outer Limits: Quality of Mercy *Hogan's Heroes meets Enemy Mine with an M. Night twist.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Jamming with Edward *A self activated spy sattelite is sad & lonely and so is a spunky hacker.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: New Acquaintance *Jim brings home a misunderstood stray, and ST resurrects a rabbit.* 2 1/2 stars

Shaw Brothers: Iron Chain Fighter (aka Assassin) *There are no bonds that chop sockey can't break.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 4 *Climbing and falling. Losing a hand. Handing over a legacy. Protecting the virtue of an innocent. Hungering for insurrection. Dispensing the light of justice. Burning a path for freedom.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: HELLOWE'EEN *The awful uncle seeks offal flesh to slip into back to life.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Three's A Crowd *cuckold anniversary surprise* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Piggy Piggy" *Growing pains. Raw brains. Oinking angst.* 2 1/2 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: "The Monkey in the Machine and the Machine in the Monkey" *We humans are something like a phenomenon or perhaps maybe an automaton.* 3 stars

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" --2010-- *Timothy Leary has gone too far this time.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 11 ---------------

*Family killer in a scarecrow disguise puts a young carpenter in concern.* 2 stars

*Gold chain necklace wearing "Dr. Jeff" doesn't want his "molecules heated up" in a mad scientist's The Fly -esque matter transport experiment.* 2 1/2 stars

*A greaseball is hired to clean up "red wine" stains for a Sopranos sausage and refuses to wear a wire for an undercover sting.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fear Antics: A wannabe actor, in a slasher prank, gets pushed over the edge.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: Season 1 -episode 10 *A Native American coyote spirit / chaos critter is an unwanted housepest, for a rural Maine mom & visiting daughter, when its vortex in the backyard is disturbed. So, the team calls in some Native elders to do a ritual at the rocks around a hole on the property, and Christian psychic medium Chip Coffey tells the howling haunt to hit the road.* 2 1/2 stars

1 note · View note