#very weird esp bc ive had quite a few very good male friends in college
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new guy at my work is soooooo cute and good with kids and also tall and he’s got huge muscular ass thighs im……………….lusting
#i hate that i do this to myself#also i dont know how to act around guys i hate that i think of them as different creatures#this has been an issue for me since i was very young like#it’s bc of the way i was raised like subconsciously i think boys are only for later in life for dating#very weird esp bc ive had quite a few very good male friends in college#and like late hs#my socialization skills are so fucked up and bad#i say so much shit i wish i wouldnt. like idek#anyways i guess i have a crush on him#he def will not fall in love with me working this job tho.#it’s a job of piss and sweat and blood and dirt (working with children)#also my hair is always tied back and im always sweating in a tshirt nd shorts#no makeup. i mean i dont expect him to fall in love with me anyways.#i dont rly expect men to have an opinion on me other than ‘ew’ or ‘fuckmeat’#once again a result of trauma and also how i was raised. deeply subconscious#and i need to get out of that thought process but it’s so hard when i dont socialize with men like i do women#like in my position and career i dont see very many of them#anyways. update i guess
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