actually no fuck it I’m going full morning person. return to form

Okay okay okay. Best weekend ever or WHAT! I’m writing this as I sip on this melon beer that my colleague gave me when we went fishing last week. Anyway, been having such a crappy, emotional week with all the changes happening that I just found myself breaking down at random times of the day. I accepted the offer on Friday with two calls from the other company and then had therapy at night. I was supposed to go to the museum with my sister but figured that we’d just order ourselves milkshakes and chill at home because it’s been such a hectic week for the both of us.

Saturday was spent hiking in the morning and doing a bit of work, then dinner at Angel’s house. We watched the movie ‘the haunting,’ which was intriguing. I got home before 2am and then just KO-ed.

I woke up at around 9am today (Sunday) and then hiked with nicole, a uni friend I havent met in 3 years. God, the last time we saw each other was when we were at that drag show on Halloween and we got chased out by the popo a few minutes after getting to the dance floor. It was hilarious. Anyway, we hiked and updated each other on our lives. We still keep in touch regularly online, but it was so nice to converse with her face to face for the first time actually. Since we’ve never really had a proper hang before that didn’t involve dancing and alcohol LOL. We then had brunch at my neighbourhood cafe we spoke for more than 4 hours and that moment just made me realise how blessed I am with such wonderful people around me. We spoke about our past relationships and how we’re the type to ‘never forgive, but also never forget.’ We laughed about our mistakes and she particularly pointed out how it was as though I was in the movie ‘get out’ during the relationship. We also talked about our jobs, which we both enjoy but somehow burn us out. At some point, we blurted out ‘oh yeah, he’s the type to prefer presence rather than company,’ when talking about people who can’t seem to be alone. We talked about everything under the fucking sun, from our mental health, parents, work, to our sexualities. And as much as we’re not all about toxic positivity, sometimes you really just gotta look at the brighter side of things. she reassured me that it’s normal to feel what I’m feeling ,still, and that I should only look forward to greater things because what happened was just being on training wheels. Call me pretentious or wuteva, but I’ve been really inspired by the people around me lately. We all have very different personalities, of course. I chuckled when she said, “I’m fuelled by vengeance” and “TJ, don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t think you can do a villain era because you’re way too nice, you’re this person who is always sunny and happy that I don’t think you can do that.” AND HONESTLY, AS MUCH AS I WANNA HAVE A VILLAIN ERA, I DONT THINK I CAN. I STILL LOOK FORWARD TO THE BEST IN LIFE DESPITE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME - grew up without a dad and had to work 3 jobs in uni to provide for myself??? idc! Imma do what I had to do.

I would say that my social life is thriving right now. I’m around people I can be entirely myself with. As a teenager, I was really self-conscious of what other thought of me, but I’m glad that I grew up out of that as an adult because man, THE POSSIBILITIES AND GENUINE CONNECTIONS ARE ENDLESS WHEN YOU’RE JUST... BEING YOURSELF. I admit that I’m still hurting from time to time, it comes and goes. But in between that hurt are days when I’m dancing and making with my family, having my alone time in the fucking forest, drinking and spilling my heart out to my colleagues, or just having an honest one-on-one with a close friend. Life is good right now. And while it would be nice to have a romantic partner, I feel like I would not trade the peace that I have right now for the breadcrumbs I got last year. i know I deserve better, and the only way to receive better is to be better myself.

After I got home, I watched ‘antebellum’ and ‘old’ with my mom, which was a good break to be honest. Then i practised ‘kiss me’ on drums and danced along to abba with my sis. GREAT WEEKEND INDEED. I’m ready to conquer this coming week!