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jungle321jungle · 5 years

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I Read The Lightning Theif Rewrite Script So You Dont Have To

So @dragonsarecats sent me this.

This being Chris Colombus’ rewrite of Chris Titley’s Lightning Thief movie from 2008.

And wow, if you thought the movie was bad before, you’re in for a surprise.

So if you wanna read all 121 pages yourself feel free, or read on and I’ll highlight everything by way of explaining all the issues with screenshots. And the very few good things at the end.

So, in no real order here is,

My 13 Issues!

1) Grover

My poor poor goat boy... The best way to describe his character is as follows: “The Stereotypical Horny Teenage Boy”. And legit that’s all to him.

2) Percy

So Percy... it’s honestly hard to spell out exactly what’s wrong with him. But things are, everything is. He doesn’t have a character. He’s just kinda the reason things work?

But he does piss off a bully? So that’s something? I guess???

3) Yancy Academy/The Start

I’m not gonna get into the fact that Percy is 17 all that’s wrong with that. But what’s wrong with the start of the story is two main things: The Minotaur and Drew.

So in this Drew is basically a mix of Nancy and Clarisse. As he’s the one Percy sprays with water in the bathroom, but that happens before Percy gets to camp. For reasons.

As for the Minotaur he comes twice, first to replace Mrs. Dodds and then to attack at the camp border. So during the first attack Percy slashes it and it ran off. Then when it’s back Percy kills it and takes off it’s horn- after Bruner established that it can only be killed by taking off a horn??? Said horn is also traded to Zeus for Grover’s life later?? Why is that a good trade???

4) Annabeth and The Love Story

Annabeth is there purely to be a love interest

So this thing leans heavily into the stereotypes of the demigods traits and yet I don’t think Annabeth does a single smart thing

She’s such a girl

That may sound like a weird complaint but like read this

So shortly after this Percy and her kiss and basically it s the most most cliche of cliche

And yeah that’s all there is to her

Well at the end she feels the need to tell Athena and Poseidon that she’s dating Percy and thus the two of them should make up

5) Luke

So the first thing wrong with Luke

He and Percy has two sentences of conversation before he’s giving Percy the winged shoes and shield cuz the bolt is there in the movie

He never met Hermes

Hermes didn’t know he had a son named Luke

I think that says all it does

There’s more about him but I’ll save that for the final battle

Luke has zero one liners

I swear his lines were the best thing about the movie

6) Sally

So after the Minotaur attacks the first time Chiron sends Grover to get sally then head to camp. But like sally has no need to go with?? She’s literally going with to be captured, cuz she can’t get in camp. They are 17, so they can prob drive. She’s not needed for that???

Despite being Percy’s motivation we barely have reason to care about her despite the fact she’s the mom

When Percy gets her back and they’re about to die, Percy kisses Annabeth instead of hugging his mom

She kissed Poseidon

7) Poseidon

So my real problem with him is him and Percy’s relationship

So Percy goes from being super cold to him, to hugging him, to getting a matching tattoo within three pages

8) Ares

So first Annabeth had to convince the dude that the war between the gods woulds be a good thing and to let them go

He’s very particular and stupid about cheeseburgers

So besides the fact that you can’t tell a burger is raw based on lifting the bun, after this the manager comes out tells Ares off for being rude to the waitress. Ares calmly apologizes and then punches the dude

Cops then show up and start shooting

The kids and ares get in a humvee and the cops are chasing them until ares hits a button and goes into stealth mode

So yeah

9) Hades and the Underworld

So the Underworld isn’t the underworld

It’s an AU if Los Angels, complete with burning things buildings and cars everywhere

Like hades mansion is literally crumbling to pieces and the food is rotten

Also apparently there’s no Charon it’s Virgil

Hades is the embodiment of the devil and evil. Complete with a demonic form

He wants to feed the kids TO KRONOS

Persephone is there and she’s stupid. First off she and Grover keep staring at each other “lustfully”

She also plays loyal to Hades and send everyone to die then is like whoops nope sorry bro I hate it here feel free to go home

She and Grover give each other lustful looks

Should she even be there in the summer?

Oh and lustful looks

10) Vegas

Okay so I’m not a fan of pearls as it’s a departure from the book and all but whatever I’m gonna ignore that for the sake of this.

But there’s many issues with the journey. One of which is heading to Vegas

So this person clearly doesn’t know how Nevada works cuz the whole thing is complete desert as they walk to Vegas on foot. Like according to this dude there is nothing in Nevada but Vegas

They walk until Poseidon sends them horses with baskets of fruit.

Which they then decide to ride down the Vegas Strip

So when they get to Lotus Flower Hotel, the name automatically changes to “Lotusland” for unknown reasons

And the reason Percy figures things out is cuz he bumps into a kid from the 70s and goes “Sorry, my bad.” And the kid basically replies as if Percy has said yeet. Like idk about the 70s, but I have a feeling that “my bad” isn’t that crazy of a phrase

Percy snaps Grover and Annabeth out of it by shoving them into a pool

During the fight on the way out Percy hits people with his sword and suddenly they age??? They chase them outside, and after the trio gets away they head back inside and de age again. Cuz somehow that makes sense

11) The Final Battle

The final battle, the final battle *sigh*

So like the movie the final battle takes place in NYC outside the Empire State Building. And Luke shows up to fight Percy

But the issue is how the fight works. So for some context Percy sends Sally and Annabeth up to Olympus ahead of him while he fights Luke so meanwhile Lukes on flying shoes and using the MASTERBOLT to attack Percy

But despite being close to midnight, this is fucking NYC. People can see him blasting craters into the street as he attacks Percy

So Percy fights back with three fire hydrants as if they are placed that close together. And Luke meanwhile is dodging water until he’s struck but like yo dumbass! You have fucking lightning in your hand! Strike the shit out of that water!

So then to the fight moves to the Hudson River because it’s magically right next to the building and Percy after flying with his own winged shoes, sucks Luke down in a whirlpool

Percy then goes to Olympus and somehow makes it at the same time as his mom and Annabeth?

12) The End

It ends back at Percy’s house

Grover is there

Annabeth is being this version of Annabeth

Percy shows off a tattoo that matches Poseidon’s

Gabe is yelling for beer, Sally yells at him to get it himself. He goes to the fridge and there’s Medusa’s head

The screenplay ends with gave turning to stone to the sound of crackling lightning outside

Like wtf kind of ending is that ???

The good things!

1) Annabeth is blonde!

She’s blonde. Yeah that’s all this point is

2) It’s so bad... it’s good

So many times I found myself cackling and crying laughing

I kept interrupting my friends to tell them the bullshit that was going on

Nothing made me laugh more than stealth mode

~~~~

So yeah, there ya go.

A long “review” of this trash screenplay from 2008 that no one asked for.

#percy jackon and the olympians #the lightning theif #pjo #pjo movies #grover underwood #percy jackson #annabeth chase #screenplay #screenplay review #review #unsoliticedthoughts #trash #so bad its good

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