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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Eighty

Words: 3.1K

Warning(s): Explicit language, substance abuse, verbal abuse

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My dad always used to tell me, "wisdom is being young enough to get away with doing something stupid, but still knowing better."

I never paid any attention to it because I didn't have any stupid decisions lined up at the age of eight. Or thirteen. Or sixteen...I guess because I never experienced the art of bad decision making and their damnable consequences, all of that pent up stupidity broke loose when I was seventeen and didn't slow down until I was in my thirties.

Young enough to get away with doing something stupid…

"What the hell are you thinking, Duff?" His older brother yells.

I'm listening with my ear pressed to the door, waiting in the hallway outside of Duff's apartment...trying not to be too mortifiedly embarrassed.

"Matt, it's—"

"—You're fooling around with a married woman, Duff, I know exactly what it is!" He yells.

"They're getting divorced, Matt, alright? It's not like I'm-I'm just sleeping with her for the hell of it!"

"She's getting out of a six year relationship and getting a divorce at twenty-three, Duff, don't you fucking think the reasonable thing for you to do is back off and let her actually process that before having sex with her?!"

"It's not like I'm taking advantage of her! I'm not! She loves me—"

"—She's lost! She's vulnerable! She's confused! She'd fall in love with any bone head that was a good guy right now!" He shouts at him. "What are you thinking, Duff? I mean, honestly, what the hell are you fucking thinking?"

"I-I don't know!"

"What the fuck happens if the media gets ahold of this? If mom finds out that her son is getting hot n' heavy in cars in dark parking lots with a married girl!"

It's quiet for a second.

"I would explain that they're getting divorced, and—"

"—Bullshit. You know what she'd say? 'Married is married until divorce is finalized'." He states.

"I think mom would be pretty understanding, Matt. I don't think she'd judge me like you are or try to talk me out of it."

"You sound like dad right now, you know that? Just fucking like him." He cuts. "And it's bullshit because I know you aren't anything like dad which is why I'm so stumped right now."

"It's not that big of a deal." Duff argues.

"Has she filed yet?" Matt asks next, not skipping a beat.

"W-What?"

"Has he filed yet? Have they filed yet?"

"I don't know—it's not my fucking business."

"So you're just sleeping with her and you don't even know if they're even splitting up at this point? Of course not because she probably doesn't even know what she wants!"

"She told me she's gonna divorce him." Duff tells him, certainty in his tone.

"Well, actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words, don't they?" Matt fires at him.

...but still knowing better.

The door opens quickly and I pretend I wasn't listening, taking a few steps back as Matt storms out, giving me a second glance before walking down the hallway to the stairs.

I peek into the apartment to see Duff pacing, not paying any attention to me still being out here.

I take a breath before heading after him.

"Matt," I say when I get to the parking lot as he goes to his car, "wait."

"You don't owe me an explanation about it, sweetheart, it's between me and my brother." He tells me calmly, getting into his car.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" I ask him, catching my breath, before he can close the door.

He looks at me for a second.

"Do you? Or a wife or a boyfriend or something?"

"I have a girlfriend." He tells me.

"How long have you been with your girlfriend?"

"Like, almost a year, now." He replies, not seeing the point of telling me this.

"I bet you're really good to your girlfriend, Matt." I say, and he slowly catches on, sighing a little.

"I try to be."

"Nikki wasn't good to me. For years. While he was killing himself with drugs, he was killing me with how he treated me and how he acted and when you really love somebody you sit and make excuses for them to make however they're killing you seem justified, and it's not. It never is." I explain, a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. "And you don't realize it until one day you're watching a woman you loved and trusted tell the world she's been having an affair with your husband. And then those rose lenses shatter and it's clear. You've spent years of your life giving everything to someone who would probably trade you for an ounce of smack if he ran out." I sniffle. "I really loved him, and you're right, I do still love him. I do. But I also know I'd rather die than willingly throw myself back into that hell. I haven't filed yet, but I am going to when he gets back from Japan. And I do love Duff, and he's a very, very good man. I don't know the situation with you guys' father and it's not my business, but whoever and whatever your dad is...your brother is the farthest thing from it. And I know you are, too, just from the way Duff's always spoke of you and your siblings. I'm sorry for the trouble, and I know you're just trying to look out for him, but you need to be proud of him. Not for what you saw earlier, but just for the fact he's a really great person in a city filled with selfish pricks. You need to be proud of him, and he needs to hear that you're proud of him."

He lets out another breath, processing what I'm saying, nodding again.

"Have a good night." He mumbles to me, shutting the door, and I let out a breath and head back upstairs, seeing Duff stopped pacing and eventually just plopped onto the couch.

He looks at me when I come back in, his eyes sad, a solemn look on his face.

"I'm sorry if you heard any of that." He says to me and I sit down on the couch beside him.

"It's okay. He's just trying to look out for you, you know?"

"I know but he doesn't even know the half of it." He sighs. "And I'm not acting like my dad because if I were I'd be sleeping with anything in a skirt and leaving my wife to deal with my eight kids.

He tells me lowly, hurt in his voice.

I try to find the humor in it, nudging his side.

"You have a wife and eight kids?" I ask, smiling a little and he looks at me, his lips tugging at the corners.

"No," his lips crack the smallest of smiles for a moment, "but even if I did I wouldn't treat them like shit." He adds.

My hand comes up to discreetly brush against my stomach.

"Your brother just wants the best for you." I tell him.

"Who cares? It's not his or anybody else's business." He replies, leaning back, rubbing his forehead.

"I love you." I offer, hoping the words make him relax a little.

He huffs out a breath, finally looking at me, his hand grabbing mine, pressing it to his lips.

I did love him, just not the way I thought I did. I mean, when I was in love with Nikki, it was evident to everybody. I looked at him like I worshipped the ground he walked on—because I nearly did. With Duff, people had to ask me whether I really loved him or not. I always thought it was because we were moving so fast that it seemed abnormal, but in photos when Duff and I were together it was obvious he and I had no fucking clue what we were doing. We were happy with each other, and loved each other, but it was like we both subconsciously knew we weren't going to workout. At least we eventually accepted it.

I could've divorced Nikki, eventually married Duff, anyway, and made the same bizarre decision that Tansy and Axl made to divorce twice before finally getting married a third time, years later, when their shit was together—because even if Duff and I did get married, we wouldn't have made it through the early 90s.

A couple mornings later, I'm going back to my house since the coast is clear from Nikki since he left for Japan.

Checking the mail, I furrow my brows as I'm sorting through the bills, randomly seeing an envelope with my name on it.

I take the mail inside and open my letter.

"What the hell?" I mumble, looking at a couple hundred dollar bills.

Then it hits me.

"Hello?" Karen's voice on the other end of the phone, chipper as ever.

"Why the hell am I getting sketchy money from Elektra?" I ask.

"It's from 'Wild Side', Viv." She explains. "Because Nikki credited you as one of the writers, remember? They couldn't write you a check because it's under the table." She adds.

"Under the table?"

"To avoid—"

"—Well, I don't want it." I state.

"Viv, you're getting a divorce. I'd keep every dime I could, honestly." She advises.

"Karen, that's no…" I trail off, my mind running a mile a minute, piecing it together. "What time is it in Japan?"

"Uhm, like, 2:00a.m. maybe?"

"Where are they staying?"

"Vivian—"

"—I need to talk to Doc. Where are they staying?"

I didn't want to talk to Doc. Don't ask me how I managed to harass my estranged husband from 16 time zones away, but, I did.

"You knew you were gonna divorce me, you piece of shit, that's why you credited me so I'd get money to cover divorce court!" I accuse viciously.

"I don't fuckin' know what you've been smoking, Vivian, but you sound insane right now!" He fires back.

"What I've been smoking? What the fuck have you been smoking, Nikki?! Huh?!"

"Have you been sleeping, Vivian?! You're being fucking psychotic!"

"I'll get on a flight and show you fucking psychotic, asshole, you set me up and then left the fucking country!"

"I credited you as a joke—I didn't think they'd actually take it serious and send you part of the royalties!"

"Bullshit! You and Vanity planned for her to tell everybody about your bullshit with each other, knowing I'd leave you and file for divorce so you could be together!"

"If I was that fucking mean, Vivian, I wouldn't have credited you so you wouldn't have gotten paid shit, you crazy bitch!" He insists. "And take your goddamn medication!"

He hangs up and I roll my jaw before throwing the phone.

I could've killed him had I felt like flying to Japan.

"Then he tells me I'm being psychotic!" I vent to Izzy over the sound of the vacuum.

"Well, were you?!" He asks me and I cut the vacuum off.

"No, I wasn't. I just called him out on his bullshit because he loves to think I'm stupid."

"What exactly did you say to him?"

"That he credited me so I'd get money, that I'd probably put toward paying for a divorce."

"That's not too bad." He furrows his brows a little.

"Exactly. Not to mention the fact I know he's still seeing Vanity and the whole plan was to tell the world they were engaged, knowing I'd leave him, so they could finally publicly be together."

He looks at me funny, before asking, "d-did you tell him that?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, you lost me, Viv."

"What?"

"That's complete bullshit." He states.

"How?"

"How? Viv, the man is on a horse-sized dose of heroin on a daily basis—and the crack he would smoke with Vanity—do you think either of them had the energy or mental compacity to conduct a plan like that?"

"They had the energy to fuck each other, so, my perception of how much they were able to do under the influence has no limits at this point." I argue.

"I think pregnancy has you cuckoo for cocoa puffs." He mumbles.

"Izzy, I'm being serious." I hiss.

"I am, too, Viv." He tells me. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a complete asshole, but I just don't see Nikki high as a fucking kite coming up with this elaborate plan to leave you so he can be with his side piece while simultaneously deciding he wants you to be financially stable enough to withstand a divorce. He's a mean fucker. If he wanted to leave you, he would tell you to fuck off and file the same day without giving a flat fuck if you could afford it or not." He says. "And he's not seeing Vanity. There's no way she'd keep her mouth shut if they were still together."

"She managed to keep her mouth shut about it for over a year." I grumble.

"Yeah, because she was probably hoping he'd leave you for her."

I stop what I'm doing and look at him.

"Do you think he would've if she didn't tell everybody about it?" I ask next.

"I don't know, Viv." He answers honestly.

"Would you?"

He glances at me, serious for a moment, before the hint of a smile tugs at his lips.

"Never in a million years." He says and I smile a little. "Would you leave me for Duff?"

I pretend to think for a second.

"Depends on who's better in bed." I reply with the response I expected from him and he just blinks at me.

"Fuck you." He says and I laugh, eventually getting quiet, really thinking about what I said the last time we spoke.

"I'm not gonna do that to Duff." I say to him and he just looks off for a second.

"What made you change your mind?"

"He really loves me, Izzy."

"Yeah, he does." He shifts on his feet.

"Do you think...like, if him and me stay together…" I don't have to finish it, he already knows where I'm going.

"I think it'll be great for the first several months because it always is." Izzy replies. "But once the new wears off and things get more clear…"

"...Yeah."

NIKKI

"Jesus fucking Christ."

I beat the phone against the wall so the crazy bitch can't call here again.

"Two o'clock in the morning and she's making a long distance call just to gnaw my balls over something I didn't even fucking do? And bringing Vanity back up? What the fuck's her problem?

So, she got money for her credit, oh well. Plenty of people wouldn't necessarily mind seeing a couple hundred dollars for them in their mailbox but of course her ungrateful ass can't even be thankful for it." I hiss to myself pacing my room. "Cunt." I add, grabbing my bottle of wine from the TV stand, taking a big swig of it.

"Fuck her." I state next. "Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck her...fuck," I take my wedding band off and throw it at hard at I can at the mirror in the corner of the room, on the wall, "her!" I yell when it makes impact, taking a step back, and another, falling flat on my ass.

I don't have the energy to get up, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling.

Just like my dad.

Just like my mom.

She just fucking left me...and I made her.

"Fuck her." I refuse to admit aloud it's my fault because it's not.

Sure, I fucked Vanity, I cheated on her first, but that doesn't give her the excuse to do the same to me.

"Fuck her." I repeat again.

I kept trying to convince myself I hated her. The truth was I hated myself, and was just trying to get that frustration out by turning on her.

It was easy to do when I imagined her under Duff while I was across the world, suffering, telling myself repeatedly she didn't give a shit about me.

She was probably thinking of me under a random groupie the entire time I was gone, and I don't blame her. I stayed under random groupies any other time, so why would Japan be any different? Especially after she and I were separated and had no obligations to each other.

I didn't have sex in Japan, honestly. I couldn't. I was too fucked up. I would try to, but it just wouldn't go over too well. My body was give out from abuse, my hands were scabbed from picking, my skin ate up with track marks, my face was sallow.

Fans would tell me they were worried I had the flu and I'd laugh it off and promise I was okay, then go to my room and stay locked in there until I absolutely had to leave.

I was on smack, constantly, to the point I wasn't even high but just shooting smack as maintenance, which served as a good excuse when a big magazine reporter came to Japan to talk to me and the guys about the tour and when the topic of Vanity came up…

I try to keep from rolling my jaw as the loser starts his question cautiously, testing the waters to see if I'm going to cut him off and tell him to ask another question or fuck off, or if I'm okay with it.

I remember Vivian's bullshit idea about me and Vanity wanting her to find out about the affair so she'd leave and we could be together.

Why the fuck would I go through that much shit just to be with someone like Vanity?

Leaving Vivian to be with Vanity is like leaving the frying pan to hop into the fire dick-first.

With this in mind as, "so, who is she to you?" finally leaves his mouth in reference to Vanity, pen in hand, ready to jot my answer and spread it around America the second it leave my lips, I pretend to think for a moment, and finally reply, "she was my fiancée."

#nikki sixx #mötley crüe #nikki sixx fanfiction #nikki sixx x oc #gateway drug

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fanciful-follies · 7 years

Note

If you're looking for Burramy prompts, how about the typical "we were watching some horror movies with our mutual friends, and I don't know you, but you were the closest thing I could grab when that horrid jump scare popped up, and I'm really sorry if I bothered you, but now we are half cuddling because you're nice and didn't push me away" college AU

I love this prompt lol thank you

The first thing Bellamy hears when he walks into Angelica’s apartment is Alex yelling.

He knows he should be used to it by now, Alex is always yelling, but he usually attempts to control himself during a weekend gathering when all of them are just looking to de-stress after a long week.

“Bellamy!” Laurens’ voice rings out over Alex’s, and he’s suddenly right next to Bellamy, slapping a hand on his back and then pulling him further into the living room. “Finally. You can help us decide on what movie to watch. As usual, we’re all divided. There,” Laurens points to where Angelica, Herc, and Laf are sitting, “is where the disney move fans are sitting.”

“Alex is with us, too!” Lafayette adds, gesturing to where Alex is pacing back and forth on the phone, still looking considerably angry. “We want to watch Oliver and Company.”

“That’s not even one of the top disney movies,” someone else says, sounding exasperated.

Bellamy turns towards the voice, not recognizing it, and sees a boy he’s never met sitting on the far end of the couch, eyes on his phone. His eyes suddenly flick upwards, catching’s Bellamy’s, and for some reason, Bellamy feels his stomach flutter and he moves his gaze away quickly.

“Oliver and Company is an underrated classic,” Alex bites out, hanging up his phone and glaring at the boy on the couch. “And it’s better than any of the shitty horror movies you want to watch, Burr.” He looks back down at his phone and starts to mutter something about how much group projects suck.

Burr.

Bellamy looks back at the boy with renewed interest. He’d heard of Aaron Burr before, mainly from Alex. He had a knack for constantly complaining about how smart Aaron was. Well, more about how annoying Aaron was, but Bellamy was usually able to read between the lines. Alex was jealous of Aaron, and no amount of bad-mouthing could hide that fact.

Bellamy had never thought to put a face to the name before, and now that he’s seeing the face, well, he’s pretty sure his imagination could not have done Aaron’s face the justice it deserves.

“Right, well.” John tugs on Bellamy’s arms, getting his attention again. “As Alex has so kindly reminded us, our other movie group is there.” He points to where Aaron is sitting, and his gesture includes Eliza and Peggy as well. “All voting for a horror movie. And I’m with them too. So you, Jonathan Bellamy, are our tie breaker.”

“Please,” Angelica says with a laugh. “We all know that Bellamy is gonna go with Oliver and Company. He hates horror movies.”

“I don’t know,” Bellamy says slowly, his eyes moving back to Aaron, who is already staring back at him with an amused look. “I…like horror movies sometimes.”

“Name one,” Alex tells him, flopping into a chair and looking at Bellamy with raised eyebrows. “I’ll eat my own foot if you can name a horror movie you like.” He smirks as Bellamy remains silent. “Knew it.”

“Coraline,” Bellamy blurts out. “I saw Coraline, and I liked it!”

“Coraline?!” Alex repeats, slapping a hand to his head. “Coraline is a fucking kids movie, Bell! Oh my god.”

“I don’t know,” Aaron says, drawing Bellamy’s attention back to him. He’s smiling at him, and it makes Bellamy’s stomach do that fluttering thing again. “Coraline is pretty damn scary. You have good taste.”

“T-thanks,” Bellamy stutters, feeling his face flush. He tries to smile back at Aaron, but he’s not sure if it works. His face feels numb. But Aaron’s smile grows wider. He has a perfect smile. “I want to watch a horror movie,” Bellamy says firmly, looking at Laurens. “That’s my vote.”

“He has spoken!” Eliza says from her spot on the floor, ignoring the groans that come from the Oliver and Company group. “Oh, shut up, half of you will fall asleep anyway. Okay, here’s what we’ve got to choose from…”

Bellamy ignores the lists of titles Eliza reads out, and instead looks around the room, pretending to consider where he wants to sit. He already knows where he wants to sit. He’s known since the moment he walked into the room.

He only hesitates a second longer before forcing his feet to move, pushing down the nerves he feels rising in his chest. Bellamy avoids looking Aaron right in the eyes as he makes his way over to him, sitting down beside him with a quiet, shaky exhale that he prays Aaron doesn’t hear. When Bellamy sneaks a glance over at Aaron, he isn’t looking back, but Bellamy does see the small smile playing across his lips.

“Okay,” Eliza says, clapping her hands together and taking her place on the floor again. “Let’s do this. Angie, can you get the lights?”

It’s only once the movie starts and the room grows dark that Bellamy starts to regret his decision a little. He really doesn’t like horror movies. Not at all, actually. They make him twitchy, and he sleeps with the lights on for at least two nights after seeing one. He kind of hates horror movies.

About fifteen minutes in, and Bellamy thinks he’s doing okay, all things considered. Sure, nothing has exactly happened yet in the movie, but still. It’s the small victories that count. He’s even starting to think that maybe he’ll end up liking the movie when the first jump scare happens.

Bellamy jumps in his seat, he can’t help it, and a small squeak escapes him. Peggy, on his other side, had jumped as well, but everyone else lets out a few giggles at his reaction. It’s only once he calms down that Bellamy realizes, in his moment of panic, that he’d grabbed on to Aaron’s arm.

“Sorry,” Bellamy whispers, embarrassment clawing at him as he releases his grip.

“It’s fine,” Aaron murmurs back, that same smile still playing on his lips. But he keeps his eyes on the TV, seeming completely unfazed by everything that’s happening.

Bellamy lasts about another ten minutes before his hands are back on Aaron, this time tangled in his shirt while he ducks his face down against Aaron’s shoulder, eyes squeezed shut tightly. His nerves are so on edge that he doesn’t even feel embarrassed by the fact that he’s half on top of Aaron.

But as the minutes go by, and his heart goes back to a normal pace, Bellamy realizes that he’s still on Aaron, and that Aaron hasn’t pushed him off. Why hasn’t he pushed him off?

Bellamy moves his head back up, peeking at Aaron through his eyelashes to see him staring back, his lips slightly parted and his expression a little surprised an confused, like he isn’t sure why he hasn’t pushed Bellamy off either.

They both stare for a moment longer, Bellamy’s heart rate picking back up, but then Aaron’s eyes slowly move back to the screen. Bellamy’s stomach flutters for a third time that night when he feels Aaron’s arm curl around his shoulders, pulling Bellamy closer.

The rest of the movie goes by without much else happening. Bellamy is too distracted by the fact that he can hear Aaron’s heartbeat and that he can feel Aaron breathing to pay attention to the movie. He feels relaxed, pressed up against Aaron like this. It’s nice. Aaron is nice…and warm…smells good, too.

It’s only when Bellamy jolts awake that he realized he’d fallen asleep.

The lights are still off, but the TV is off now, too. Bellamy can feel Aaron breathing in and out slowly, and he realizes with another jolt that Aaron’s fingers are playing with his hair, running over the top of it in long, soothing motions.

Bellamy bites at his lip, trying to fight down his smile. He shifts a little on the couch, lifting his head slowly so he can look up at Aaron, who, once again, is looking back at him.

“Hey,” Bellamy murmurs.

“Hey.”

“Sorry, for, you know,” Bellamy gestures between them with an awkward laugh. “I didn’t mean to grab you, or…or fall asleep on you, you were just the closest person.”

Aaron stares at him for a beat, his expression unreadable. But then he smiles. “Lucky me, I guess.”

Bellamy’s heart does a strange leap in his chest at that. “Yeah?” God, he has it bad already, and he’s barely spoken any words to the guy.

“You can keep grabbing me, if you want.” As soon as the words are out of Aaron’s mouth, he looks as if he regrets them. “I-sorry, that sounded weirder than I thought it would. I, uhm.” He ducks his head when Bellamy laughs softly. “I meant that I don’t mind if you want to keep…” He trails off and gestures between them, looking relieved when Bellamy nods. “Want to stretch out?”

Bellamy looks around, realizing that most of their friends had vacated to the floor, pillows and blankets thrown about the room. But the couch is completely empty except for Bellamy and Aaron.

“Okay,” Bellamy breathes out, allowing Aaron to rearrange them so Bellamy is pressed against the back of the couch with Aaron pressed against him, an arm thrown over Bellamy’s waist. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For letting me grab you,” Bellamy says, smiling when he hears Aaron chuckle. “If I had grabbed Alex, I would have ended up sprawled on the floor.”

“Well, I’m nicer than Alexander,” Aaron murmurs, trailing his fingers over Bellamy’s back. “I’ll even take you to breakfast tomorrow. If you want.”

“I do,” Bellamy says quickly, his stomach doing another flip. “I…yeah.”

“Yeah,” Aaron agrees, pulling him a little closer and tucking his face into Bellamy’s shoulder, breathing in deeply. “Night, Bellamy.”

“Goodnight, Aaron,” Bellamy whispers, still smiling and feeling as if he could run a marathon. He never thought that this would happen, that he’d come over for a movie night and end up cuddling with an attractive guy who’s also promising to take him out to breakfast. It’s perfect. And all because he decided to watch a horror movie.

Horror movies might just be his new favorite thing.

#burramy #aaron burr #jonathan bellamy #alexander hamilton #angelica schuyler #hercules mulligan #peggy schuyler #eliza schuyler #lafayette #john laurens #hamilton

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