whenever i see posts talking abt like. fandom. like "whats ur unpopular opinion that will make the rest of the fandom mad" or "whats ur fav thing abt ur fandom" or "sitting in bed rotating my blorbo in my mind" or whatever im like. lol. i have not felt passion in so many years. ihave not had the brainspace to get deeply involved in any sort of media/fandom/content in so many years. i have spent the last few years especially an empty shell for anxieties. a body that walks arnd and does stuff and talks to ppl and technicalyl engages in interests but there is no real engagement anymore. its all going thru the motions. and this is not an entirrly unfamiliar feeling 2 me ive been depressed+ since like middleschool. but at least when i was younger i had shows and games and hobbies and i coulr lose myself in them. i haad anxious thoughts impulsive thoughts intrusive thoughts etc but my head was also filled w fun or interesting thoughts abt my ocs, the media i was into, my hobbies etc. but now there is nothing. i barely even listen to music unless im driving. when i am laying in bed all i think abt are the problems im facing or my own insecurities or whatever. anxious andd depressing and paranoid and. yeah. even when i consciously try 2 think abt things i like there is nothing. i feel nothing its hard to think of things to think abt. headcanons silly jokes analysis none of it comes to me even when i try. i would say this is just a part of growing up but most ppl i follow and are friends w r all within my age range. and plenty of them r mentally ill or traumatized or being actively abused/hurt but they still find escape. they can still watch a movie and then think about nothing but that for the next week. they can see a thing they like ans get excited abt it. tbey can get high and play video games and actually just think abojt the game and how much they like their fav character. instead of. physically doing the action but constantly arguing w someone in their head or debating if theyre a good person or not. or whatever. ad nauseam . every day. now that ive moved out and am working on myself the rumination is a bit better but now when im not constantly worrying abt interpersonal issues or whatever theres just a blank. the now freed up space hasnt gone back to thinking silly fun things its just blank or boring. my brain used to be a place i could escape but now i cant escape anywhere ever at all. even smoking weed or drinking or whatever doesnt help in any capacity. i am both trapped in my head and unable to be there anymore