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timeforelfnonsense · 3 years

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The Bargain

Astarion x Dafni

Rating: M

Ao3 || Sunshine & Starlight: My on going bg3 series

I want to add a TW up here: The first half of this fic depicts Astarion having a panic attack/being in fight or flight. The portrayal was informed by my own struggles with BPD and panic attacks. I think it's important to remember our responses to trauma are often flawed and imperfect. It was very cathartic for me to write tbh. I'm very proud of this one and I think a lot of Dafni's character really shines through! This one has a good bit of canon d&d lore mixed with some homebrew/folklore about the fey (WotC pls feed me more feywilds canon I am DESPERATE for it!). Elvish Translations (via candle keep): arael’sha: Heart-friend (used in contexts like beloved or my heart) The stars shining right through your eyes: A common elvish idiom referring to one's youth or naiveté.

A gust of wind blew through the putrid bog carrying the damp, acrid smell of rotten vegetation and sulfuric swamp water. The gray, splintered walls of the tea house groaned, the top half of the gnarled structure swaying. It was shocking the poor construction of the ramshackle hovel hadn’t killed the hag for them. Astarion had made his way to the small alcove hung above the crumbling foyer hoping to find his paramour. He felt his heart sink when he was met with nothing but the witch's clutter. Astarion rocked on his heels. There was something deeply wrong with this place, even with Ethel dead. Oppressive energy hung on the stale air. Filling the whole space with an undoubted misery that left him feeling raw and exposed.

Deep down you like being leashed, don't ya?

Gale and Wyll had begun to make themselves at home below him. He observed them as they languidly poked about, looking for anything of the hag’s that would be of use. Wyll had already summoned a raven to send back to camp, a note attached to its foot informing the others that they wouldn’t make it back for the evening. The old bat had not given up without a fight and they’d been left battered and exhausted. Astarion winced, his arm brushing against the wall.

He was bleeding. Fantastic.

He had been too preoccupied with the feelings this place drew out of him to notice the long gash running down the top of his forearm. Ethel had tried to drag him to the gaping chasm at the center of her abode when the fight was no longer in her favor. He had struggled and thrashed against her but she only dug her twisted claws in deeper. She’d nearly succeeded in pitching him over when a fatal arrow from Dafni’s longbow sunk into her eye with a wet squelch, exiting the back of her skull.

He already felt like shit from being tossed about by a hag and that discomfort was only compounded by the growing need for a drink. The scorch of thirst started to lick at the back of his throat. He must have been bleeding into his sleeve for some time. His body was eager to replace what was lost.

Is there still rat stuck in your teeth? Slave!

Perhaps Dafni would allow him a little nibble. Just the thought of the sweet strawberry wine in her veins eased some of the discomforts. Astarion pressed his back against a hideous wardrobe, sliding down until his backside hit the ground. He had made a point of exercising restraint when it came to drinking from her. He never wanted her to be under the impression she was only a meal to him. But he was famished and she was his favorite treat.

You're one thirsty night away from betraying everyone!

Or maybe not...

There had to be something else edible nearby. He took in a deep breath only to be met with the nauseating scent of an overripe corpse. He coughed and sputtered, forcing the repugnant smell from his lungs. Any thirst he might have had was chased off by the gut-twisting aroma. It seemed he wouldn’t be taking a breath for the rest of the night. While his undead nature freed him from the necessity of breathing he’d always been partial to it. The feeling of his chest moving up and down had served as a steadfast reminder he wasn’t truly dead despite all he had endured at Cazador’s hand.

Vampire? Ha! You’re nothing but a ravenous cadaver, spawn!

“You bastard! You ruined it- You ruined everything!” Mayrina squawked.

“Are you daft! I helped you!” Dafni spat back.

Well, he found her.

It would seem Dafni’s damsel in distress was none too pleased with her would-be hero. Astarion groaned, bringing his head to his knees. He was agitated as it was and the squabble happening outside was only making the tightness in his chest worse. He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to tune them out. Astarion grit his teeth, the pain in his arm was growing more acute by the minute and the strange magic of this shithole had his nerves ragged. His body jolted at the crack of a hand against flesh ringing out across the yard outside followed by a string of elven cursing. A torrent harrowing memories shot through his brain as the appalling noise hit his ear. The simmering dread morphing into fury. A low growl fell from his snarling lips as he tore down the stairs towards the yard.

“The hag promised she’d bring my husband back from the grave if I gave her my baby! I just needed to wait a little longer but you had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong!”

“You promised your child to a hag? You do know hags devour babies, yes? They swallow them whole and within a week the child is reborn a hag daughter.” Dafni’s yelped as Mayrina‘s palm came down across her cheek. She brought a hand to the stinging flesh in disbelief. Foxglove bells dripped from her battle messed hair, hot summer rage threatening to boil over. She took a deep breath in attempting to soothe her nerves but her soundings did little to help. The magic that covered this swamp, was arcane and wild- Much the same as dark and forbidden places in her home plane. Hags often built their homes in places where the barrier between the material and faerie was thin enough for fools from both planes to seek them out. It was unsurprising the shadowy influence of the hag had mingled with the magic of a crossing to create a bubble of negativity. It was likely provoking more extreme reactions from the already distressed woman. “I understand you are upset, but my patience is growing thin. I am only trying to help you. I’m no stranger to hags. They are creatures of my homeland and I can assure you there is always a greater price. You’d do well to remember that.”

“Don’t you judge me! You can’t possibly understand-” Mayrina sobbed raising her open palm for another strike only to her wrist caught in the iron grasp of Astarion’s alabaster hand.

Oh no.

“You foul little wrench!” Astarion’s voice was acid, his teeth bared, “She saved your miserable life and you dare raise your filthy hand to her? I have half a mind to tear your throat out but that seems kinder than you deserve.”

Dafni’s heart was pumping a mile a minute. She’d seen Astarion cross but this was completely different. Astarion’s body was completely rigged. His shoulders forward, back straight. His red eyes glowed with ferocity as his grip on Mayrina tightened. Normally when he was upset he’d get stroppy or belligerent. He’d needle the target of his disapproval with snide remarks until they were as frustrated as he was. He could be rather rude and bab tounged when he felt like it but it was always a cool, controlled vexation. This was unfettered wrath far stronger than Mayrina’s actions had earned.

“I-I’m sorry!” Mayrina uttered with a shaking breath, “Please, let me go!”

“Why?” He snarled, cocking his head to the side, “So you can attempt to strike my beloved a third time?”

“Please, arael’sha, let her go…” Dafni wrapped her hand around his shoulder, her eyes soft and concerned, “I’m fine. She shouldn’t have hit me but I’m in no danger from her and you know that.”

“Fine.” He shot her a loathsome look but yielded to her request, tossing Mayrina’s hand with disgust, “You and your gods damned bleeding-heart. Let the shrew disrespect you if you’d like. I don’t care.” Astarion turned on his heels staking back into the tea house his fists balled tight at his side.

Dafni nibbled her lower lip, her fingers worrying the hem of her sleeves. Astarion had made himself scarce after the incident with Mayrina. It upset her to see him so distressed. Her instinct had been to tear after him when he stormed off. But, she knew him well enough to understand he would need space and time to calm down before they discussed it. Any attempt to talk to him before that would only serve to upset him even more. She made herself busy tending to her friends in the meantime. They had a few injuries but nothing she couldn’t patch up. She might have been too worn out for magic but Ethel had kept a decent supply of herbs and tonics for her less exotic ‘lotions and potions’ that would do nicely. She even found a few things worth snagging for her own medical kit back at camp. If they had to be stranded for the night, at least it was somewhere well stocked.

Gale had a burn on his arm she’d treated with a salve of aloe and quince. Wyll a nasty knock to the head, that while painful, by the Protector’s grace, didn’t appear to be a concussion. She’d put on a kettle of willow bark tea and instructed him to drink at least two cups of the stuff as soon as it was ready. She had done all she could for now. More than anything they both seemed fatigued. With a little rest, they’d be on the mend.

The worn staircase creaked under her weight as she made her way to the second level of the house. Astarion sat on the splintering floor, his back propped up against a cluttered cupboard. His scarlet eyes glassy and fixed on a far off point. He was clutching the top of his right forearm. Between his fingers, Dafni could make out a tell-tale dark stain of red on his sleeve.

“You are hurt!” She gasped racing to his side, “Why didn’t you fetch me! Let me clean and bandage that for you.”

“Don’t touch me.” His voice came out in a low growl as he twisted away from her.

Dafni took a step away, her hands held up. “I won’t touch you without your consent but I need to tend to your arm soon. I’m worried about you.”

“Why should I want your help?” He glared at her arm still held tight against his chest. “You certainly don’t want mine.”

Dafni let out an exacerbated exhale, “Is this about what happened earlier?”

“No, it’s about you and your compulsive need to martyr yourself at every chance! It is foolhardy, reckless, and incredibly selfish! You can be so juvenile- The stars shining right through your eyes! And I can’t always be there to mind you, Dafni! Today it was just a slap but one day you are going to try and save the wrong person and I’m going to find you bled out in an outer city gutter or worse!” He was scolding her in earnest now. His bottled-up feelings coming out in a torrid of icy words. “Is rushing into other people’s disasters to prove to mommy and the gods you are a big girl really worth it? ”

“I do tend to put the needs of others before my own” She admitted, “Oftentimes to my own detriment but, please, don't talk to me as if I am a misbehaving child.” Dafni kept her tone calm and even as she continued, “I care for you and I can tell you are feeling overwhelmed. I want to support you but I can’t do that unless you help me understand what’s going on?”

They sat in silence for a while. His lean frame was closed off and wound tight. As if he was prepared to bolt at the slightest disruption of his already fragile state. An anxious tremble coursing through him every few moments. He refused to face her but Dafni could have sworn she saw the wet shimmer of tears forming in his eyes.

“My patience was already rather thin and then I heard that insolent twit strike you…” He spoke at last, finally met her gaze with an absolutely despondent expression. “And something just snapped in me.”

“I’m sorry you had to hear all that shouting. I’m sure listening to her smack the daylights out of me wasn’t pleasant for you. Especially when you were already feeling uneasy.” Dafni said as she slowly brought her head to rest on his shaking shoulder. Astarion dropped a smidge of tension from his body as he buried his face in her roseate, satin-soft curls. His breathing grew more steady by the second. She could sense the storm of his disquiet coming to an end. “I want you to know I appreciate you standing up for me. I might not have agreed with the method but I know your heart was in the right place.” She hesitated, “Can I ask you a question?”

He gave her an uncertain look but nodded, “If you’d like to.”

“Do you feel like it’s your job to protect me?”

He shifted a bit his eyes darting away as his good arm rubbed the nape of this neck. His body language all but screamed the answer but he was clearly still trying to craft a response. “Sometimes. Is that a satisfactory response?”

“Hmm?” Dafni mused, “If you elaborate, yes.”

“Why?” The word came at a long, petulant whine. His brows were knit tight, “I answered the question, did I not?”

Dafni brushed a delicate finger along the straight line of his ear. She smiled as a shiver of delight ran throughout him. A faint flush made its way across the bridge of his nose and to his cheeks. So light you’d miss it if you didn’t know what to look for. “Humor me?”

“I don’t like seeing people hurt you.” He said toying with a stray tendril of her hair, “You always see the best in everyone and everything. The world is full of malefactors who would be more than happy to take advantage of that and for some reason, beyond my control, I’ve decided keeping you happy and whole is just as important to my survival as my own well being.” He groaned pinching the space between his brows with the hand of his unmarred arm, “So you see my motivations are far from selfless. Happy?”

Dafni tried to will the bright grin that threatened to take shape across her lips away. Worried she might frighten him off with her enthusiasm. “Your elaboration was sufficient.” She tittered, no longer suppressing her smile. Her eyes shimmering with mirth as she spoke, “I have an idea! How about we strike a bargain?”

Astarion’s mouth quirked with a warm smile of his own, “Wasn’t it the dangers of fey bargains that caused this mess in the first place?”

“Yes, but I am no hag and I’ll give my word to say only what I mean. No tricks. Creatures of Faerie are bound by our word, we never go back on a promise once given.” She explained, “Now, I respect you far too much to lie and say I’ll stop helping people when I think they need it but, I, Dafni Ríwen of Gwynneth, Daughter of Thesmia Ríwen, cleric of blessed Corellon Larethina give you, Astarion of Baldur's Gate my word that I will try to pick my battles rather than jumping in headfirst at every opportunity. In exchange, I ask that you treat me as your equal from now. I watch your back and you watch mine. We protect each other. Always. Do we have a deal?”

“I can agree to that.”

With a bargain struck between them she leaned in close brushing her lips against his cheek, a gentle tingle of magic, sweet as spring spreading through them both. “Now, I insist you give me that arm. You might like the smell of blood but to me, it reeks of iron.” With a half-hearted laugh, he relinquished the injured arm to her at last. Drat. Was nothing simple? The gash was much deeper than she’d thought it to be. “ Hmmm, this will need stitches, unfortunately. At least until I can rest and heal you with magic. I’ll need to boil some more cloth for bandages and find a needle in this mess.” Dafni procured a small flask of pale yellow liquid from her pack, a bit strong for such a simple procedure but with his, she didn’t want to retrigger his fight or flight by stabbing him with whatever dull needle she could scrounge up. “In the meantime take a very small nip of this. It’s a bit of poppy syrup diluted with dandelion wine for the pain and nerves. Drink up. I’ll be back in just a moment.”

Dafni made her way back downstairs creating a list of supplies in her mind: She’d need to boil some cloth in witch hazel for dressing, a steel needle, and thread, alcohol to clean the wound, something to keep everything clean and safe while she worked in the filthy alcove...

When Dafni returned she found Astarion lounging rather contently with a lazy grin on his beautiful face. She had told him to take only a small nip! Oh well, at least he’d sit still for her. She sat back down, carefully placing the silver tray of makeshift medical supplies beside her.

“This stuff is great, Daffodil!” He chuckled, swirling the remainder of her laudanum around the flask.

“A nip, Astarion. A nip! Now give me that.” She scolded, snatching the glass bottle from his loose grip. He only laughed, completely bemused by her annoyance. “Alright, I’m going to clean out the cut with some alcohol. It might sting a bit.” Dafni explained, rolling her eyes, “Though I hardly think you’ll notice in this state.”

He winced a bit as the alcohol came in contact with his flesh, his nose scrunching up in displeasure but he sat otherwise stone still. Methodically, she began the work of suturing his arm. He was very lucky she’d been able to bum a needle and thread off Gale otherwise she would have been forced to get creative.

“You are a cleric. Doesn't daddy Corellon grant you all kinds of healing power? Why did you bother to learn how to mend people without magic?”

“Ok, first off please do not refer to the divine being that created our people as ‘daddy’ ever again.” She shook her head with a giggle all the while continuing her task, “Secondly, I learned because of situations just like this one. Magic takes a lot of energy. I can’t just cast unlimited healing spells and the wilds can be dangerous. I never wanted to find myself in a situation when I was unable to care for myself or my sisters. Besides, I needed something to study while they and my mother worked on their wizardry.”

“I want to know something else. Why did you let that fool girl get away with slapping you?”

Dafni mulled the thought over for a bit as she finished the final stitch, snipping the thread with a pair of sewing shears she fully intended to steal. “Because I felt sorry for her. She had clearly already suffered enough without my vengeance. Humans live such fleeting lives, Astarion. They are over before our people even reach adulthood. They experience so much loss and decay in such little time. I think it can make them blind to the long term implications of their choices.”

“I still think you should have let me kill her for disrespecting you.” He shrugged, “But I suppose I can understand your thinking.”

“As I said, she’s suffered more than her fair share. But I appreciate the sentiment.” She gathered a length of linen, winding it snugly over his arm. “All done! You were a model patient!” She teased before adding with sincerity, “I hope that wasn’t too bad.”

“It wasn’t bad at all. Thank you. For everything.” He paused for a beat, his eyes falling to the well-worn floorboards, “You are the first person to treat me like a man in a very long time. You make it easy to forget I’m an undead horror. I’m eternally grateful for you even if I’m not the best at expressing that.”

“I wish you wouldn’t talk like that Astarion.” She scowled, “It hurts my heart when you say things like that about yourself. We might not always see eye to eye and I won’t lie, you can be an absolute pain in my backside. But you will always be a person to me. Never a monster.”

“Always so sweet.” He sighed, slumping against her shoulder, nuzzling his favorite spot in the hollow of her neck. “I wish I understood you. All that time and I don’t think I’ve ever really understood you- how you can be so... good. Yet, frustratingly you’ve always seemed to understand me better than I understand myself.”

He spoke with an unmistakable familiarity, far beyond that which they’d formed over the past few days. Their people lived many lives. Longing to return to Corellon’s side in Arvandor but unable to as punishment for confining themselves to a single shape. Two elves could find each other in more than one lifetime. It was far from unheard of.

The Feywilds did funny things to a person's memory if they weren’t used to its magic. Even affecting the reverie of those from other lands who spent time among their eladrin cousins. The crossing or the magic of her bargain could possibly have provoked things long forgotten.

Or he was simply three sheets to the wind.

Regardless it was refreshing to have such a candid conversation with him. Free of affectation or pretense. Even if he was almost certainly going to forget all of it and be right back to his cocksure self by morning.

“I disagree.” She stated, “I think you understand me better than you think. You’re just a little out of practice when it comes to letting people close to you. You didn’t ask but, as I’m positive you’ll forget this little talk by tomorrow, I also want to add that I think you are secretly very sensitive. I’ve also seen the puppy eyes you give me when you think I’m not looking. Totally adorable! You are just afraid to let people see that side of you.”

“Puppy eyes?” He chuckled nipping softly at her throat, “I think I preferred thinking you were scared of me.”

“Sorry to disappoint, sweetness.” She tuted placing a light peck on his forehead, “You need to rest. I’ll be here when you wake.”

“Oh, my darling, Despoena.” He muttered exhausted against her shoulder. “It was so lonely here without you. I’m glad you found me at last.”

Dafni’s heart stopped dead in its tracks.

How?

He named her.

The memories of one’s primal life were lost after their first century. Leaving only glimmers and fragments behind. For the fey eladrin, true names- The names they had carried when they sprung from the blood of the Creator, were the most sacred and personal of those precious among them. Names held power in the land of Faerie but none so much as a soul’s true name. They were not to be shared with even the closest of loved ones, and yet in his haze, Astarion somehow knew?

“Astarion… I’ve never told anyone my true name. Not even my mother knows it. How did you know it? And what do you mean by ‘I’m glad you found me’? Are you having some kind of waking reverie or are you just high out of your mind? I’m a little taken back- And you are snoring. Great. You blurt out my only true secret and then it's off to Sehanine Moonbow with you.”

As desperately as she wanted to puzzle out the evening's events she was tired in mind and body. The others had already settled in for the night and she’d be wise to do the same. She settled herself in for trance, Astarion’s head on her shoulder, his hand intertwined with hers. Praying her reverie might provide some answers.

#astarion #bg3 #bg3 astarion #bg3 early access #dafni of gwynneth #feywilds #d&d #that sweet lore #tw panic attack #tw past abuse #elf writes #sunshine & starlight

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katierosefun · 3 years

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alright babes, it’s that time of the month again!

unwarranted and unasked for things that i’ve been watching/reading/listening to in the past month that aren’t 100% star wars related, but for the sake of............[gestures vaguely] idk bro it’s my blog i’m mentally sitting on my bed and giving everyone at the sleepover a ted talk okay? okay. let’s do this. also.....long post, i was watching/reading/listening to a lot of stuff this month as a reward for....post-finals and also pre-lsat stress:

kdrama: hymn of death

god look at they

so, this was a kdrama available on netflix! it’s split into 3 episodes, each ep. an hour long, so i finished it in two days. this kdrama follows the story of a singer and a writer living in 1920s korea, back when japan still occupied the country. apparently, this kdrama is based on the real story of yun sim-deok and kim u-jin, whose tragic love story is still really popular in korea today. essentially, their love story is an affair--kim u-jin is married when he meets yun sim-deok, and they fall in love and write letters to one another in secret. things escalate, and unable to bear their lives trying to separate them, they decide to jump off a boat together, essentially killing themselves.

it’s a tragic story, and i honestly expected this to make my heart hurt--and it did. i’ll admit that i kind of wish there was more to the story--a lot of this kdrama is told in flash forwards and etc., and while i really did love the dialogue and the aesthetics and the acting (oh man, the acting), i really wish we had more narrative-wise to go on. despite that though, the actors really brought this story to life, and once again: just like...everything is beautiful in this kdrama. so if you’re looking for a korean drama to take your mind off things but don’t want to commit yourself to a 16-21 episode ride, this one is probably for you!

(also,,,so much poetry you guys. my heart.)

school 2013

“caroline your crush on lee jong suk is jumping out again” yeah yeah yeah i KNOW, so what i’ve been watching this moron’s entire filmography leave me aloneeee...but anyways, this kdrama is honestly?? pretty good? i’ll admit that i def. felt like i was going through a time machine because you can so tell that this was filmed in the early 2010′s just because of the camera angles and just...a bit of a rougher cut, but that doesn’t mean it’s still not a really wonderful story with super well-developed and interesting characters.

i’ve talked ad nauseum about this kdrama here on tumblr, and more of my thoughts can be found on my general kdrama rec post, but like...guys. it’s so good. i’m obsessed with all the characters, and this kdrama, while older, is so powerful. there’s so many heartwarming moments, not to mention the relationships between all of the students/the relationships between the teachers and the students/the relationships between the teachers (oh god......rivals to co-workers to co-parents of a class to lovers PLEASE)........it’s all just very beautiful. i think i just really appreciate how this kdrama hits ALL THE NOTES--from discussing how important it is to have a dream to demonstrating how the school system makes the lives of their at-risk students so much harder to like.......all the struggles that teenagers face because of school....bro. :’))

anyways, i really, really, really loved this kdrama. the whole cast was absolutely perfect, the soundtrack is perfect, the relationships are perfect. i recommend that everyone watch this kdrama at least once. get through the first 2 episodes--i promise things just pick up so much faster after those first two episodes, and suddenly you’ll be watching episode after episode just because you care about these kids.

babyfaced beauty

so, like i said—choi daniel and jang na ra’s wonderful chemistry in school 2013 compelled me to watch babyfaced beauty right after. like school 2013, this kdrama is a little bit on the older side—i think it aired in 2011, so that explains some of the bizarre camera angles and some older tropes that i’m not particularly the biggest fan of. basically, this kdrama follows a 34 year old woman who has to fake her age to get a job in the fashion industry. because of some mix-up at a club, her life is now intertwined with one of her new co-workers, a brash young man who’s 7 years younger. so their romance kinda starts off how a lot of older kdramas’ romance start out—with some behavior that,,,frankly, i didn’t like. because of that, i think it took some time for me to actually like this drama—at around episode 3 though, i think i found myself caring enough about at least a handful of the characters, which was what kept me going. i loved the theme about deciding to persist and follow your dream, no matter your age.

however, even though i was a little turned off by some of the behavior at the start of the drama, i was pleasantly surprised by like...the character development? so when the romance officially started, i warmed up to it super fast, and i don’t think it’s just because i think choi daniel and jang na ra have good chemistry. choi daniel’s character definitely is brash and a bit clumsy with his words, but he grows and like...is a lot more gentlemanly than i gave him credit for at first? and also, he just...i think he’s very genuine, and his absolute adoration for jang nara’s character makes me :’)) and jang na ra’s character, whom i was scared going to be too much of a wide-eyed airhead, turned out to have a lot of strength and like...a good moral compass and a steady head on her shoulders. i genuinely rooted for her the whole drama through, and i rooted for her relationship with choi daniel’s character.

so like...overall? i binge-watched this kdrama in the span of like...a week just because as soon as it gets going, it gets going. i honestly liked this kdrama a lot more than i thought i would, and i’m glad that i watched it, because it was honestly very bright and made me :’))

jugglers

they’re so fucking cute i could cry also yes my crush on choi daniel is SHOWINGGGG

okay....so i swear i was watching while you were sleeping while also watching this....i didn’t actually watch three kdramas starring choi daniel in a row....i s-s-swear..........

but simply put: i loved this kdrama. literally one of the cutest and softest kdramas i’ve ever watched, and i’ve watched quite a few. it took everything in me to not re-watch it literally right after watching the final episode, and once again: that is saying a lot. this kdrama basically follows the story of a secretary being assigned to a man who’s notorious for not taking secretaries.

not gonna lie, i kinda felt odd about watching a kdrama that included a love story between a boss and his secretary, and i of course would feel a little wary of it irl, but i think this kdrama shifts the playing ground between them so it feels a little less weird. also, it’s just impossible to not love them, just because...they’re really lovely? they’re so soft, and the cast is excellent, and the actors did a wonderful job in bringing out the genuine affection and respect between the two. :’))

but more than that though, this story is just about what happens when two people learn to trust each other. you have this story about people loving each other despite their own sad pasts and hardships. and it’s just. the softest. there’s other things that’s excellent about this kdrama too--and there’s even a storyline that i felt was a nod to choi daniel’s drama babyfaced beauty, and there’s another storyline about just...other young women who are involved in an office that often mistreats women. so i just. there’s a lot of good things about this kdrama, and i 1000/10 recommend this, especially if you just want a super soft love story featuring people who are so ridiculously in love that you feel like you’re third-wheeling constantly--

movie: the call

bro this movie messed me up

based off the 2011 film the caller, the call (2020, dir. lee chung-kyeon) is about this young woman (park shin hye) who receives a series of troubling calls from a different woman who lives in the same house...but twenty years ago. this movie is def. a psychological thriller / horror film, and there’s blood, tragedy, and also...a super negative depiction of people with borderline personality disorder, which made me ://///

there’s some really beautiful scenes in this movie--there’s this one scene that absolutely broke my heart, and idk by the end i felt like i just appreciated my family a lot more, so there’s that. i also...weirdly felt for the antagonist of the film (played by jeon jong seo), although like...again, i really hated that having borderline personality disorder was like...one of the reasons / parts that contributed to her being...a flat-out killer. like. idk. i’m very tired of these tropes.

that said though, i did enjoy the time-travel-esque element to the horror film, and the subplot was nice. park shin hye, who plays the protagonist, also really brought her a-game to this film, and she’s always been a fave actress of mine, but like...bro, i can honestly say as someone who’s seen a lot of her work, i think this is one of her best acting jobs ever. i also just...really love any horror film that’s super character-focused rather than horror-focused, and i think this was definitely one of those movies that made sure you were thinking a lot more about the characters and their pasts instead of like...the literal killing part (which, of course, def. occupies a lot of the movie, but in a different way from most, you know?).

so like,,,idk. i watched this movie, i have some issues with it, i liked it, and it freaked me out. i think fans of psychological thrillers / horror might enjoy this, but like...again, be warned for some icky rep. on the borderline personality disorder side of things. :///

loving vincent

this movie was actually a lot shorter than i thought it would be, but that doesn’t make it any less powerful. in just the span of an hour and a half, this movie goes into how a young man delivers vincent van gogh’s final letter to his beloved brother theo. in the process, our protagonist learns of vincent’s last days.

this movie is just...beautiful. you can tell the people who made this movie really love vincent van gogh, and that’s one of the best things about this film. each frame is painted too, which...just artistically wise? is nuts. the art blew me away, and again: you can just tell how much people really, really, really loved art and vincent van gogh and everything van gogh loved and stood for.

i can’t really go that much more into the movie except my heart just hurt a lot thinking about this artist who didn’t know what else to do except just. paint. and at least he was living his own truth. i’m so. agh. the music is also beautiful (the final song playing during the credits makes me :’))) anyways, i fully recommend watching this movie for anyone who loves van gogh / art / wants to get into a creative field but feels kinda lost. because this movie. this movie makes you. feel things.

podcast: greenhouse

this podcast is super cute. made by the same person who made the bright sessions, greenhouse is all about a writer recluse named rose who, in a bizarre final request from her late father, must write letters to a florist named abby.

guys. after spotify recced me me & au, i’m genuinely starting to think that my mind is being fed into some computer algorithm, because first of all, writer character named rose, also lovely literature/movie references, also this is very gay. this podcast definitely leans into the trope of “seemingly suave but also kind of sarcastic protagonist falls in love with a literal ray of sunshine”, and i’m honestly here for it. each episode is pretty short (maybe 4-6 minutes long total!), and i’ll admit i kind of wish that there was a little more buildup between the two characters, but that could just be me. overall though, i really enjoyed the podcast, and like...there are cinnamon buns and emma and beloved references, and for a baking lit nerd like me, that’s...basically my kryptonite. also, the final episode made me smile really hard. also, the piano music for the intro and outros are very pretty, definitely a mimic of period dramas, i think. so. give this a listen if you too are a romantic lit nerd.

documentary: suicide forest in japan

so...in an impulse decision, i decided to watch this 20-minute documentary after coming across this post. the aokigahara forest is infamous for the amount of people who have committed suicide there, usually by hanging or sleeping pills. sometimes people will just live in the forest for a day or two because they’re still deciding whether they want to die.

this documentary was...quietly beautiful and also quietly sad. we follow geologist azusa hayano, who gives a brief history of this forest and also the things that happen here. first of all, he seems like a lovely man, and he sympathizes a lot with the people who have come here. he guides us through the whole of the forest: from the cars still parked outside that have never been restarted since their owners left, to the walking paths, to the part of the forest that’s corded off as a warning. we see bits and pieces of the things that people have left behind: a woman’s mirror, some notes, etc. it’s all very sad, but something i truly enjoyed about this documentary was just. mr. hayano’s commentary on the lives of those who stumble in here. how we need to take care of each other. how we should be able to co-exist and the like.

there’s some more stuff that happens in this documentary, but i think i’m just glad to see something that was respectful and just. honest about the aokigahara forest. unfortunately, lots of horror movies have been made about this forest, not to mention that whole logan paul incident in 2017. i think mr. hayano said it best himself--about how like...there’s nothing scary about someone committing suicide / seeing a suicide corpse. it can’t attack you. it’s just sad.

anyways, i’m glad i saw this documentary. it’s pretty short as far as documentaries go, and it’s very quiet, and idk. i think everyone kind of deserves to hear a mr. hayano say something about how we’re not all alone.

music:

i can’t get through this rec list without mentioning olivia rodrigo’s debut album sour. i’ve been obsessed with everything she’s put out so far, but this album like...just blew me away. i’m so amazed by olivia’s powerful vocals and her wonderful song lyrics. i rambled on a bit about this album here, but i think my favorite tracks are traitor and good 4 u and hope ur ok and brutal and drivers license--honestly, they’re all very good, and i think something i just...appreciate how olivia rodrigo is able to so beautifully put words to all the difficult feelings that come with teenage angst. and, like?? i mean this in the best way possible, because like,,,olivia’s very self-aware, and there are plenty of lyrics in this whole album that nods to yeah, i know that i’m kind of being selfish / kind of petty / people probably think i’m overemotional and sensitive, but HERE ARE MY FEELINGS, DAMMIT, SO YOU BETTER LISTEN, and honestly? i’m here for it. i honestly think olivia’s going to go big and that she’s going to become a real big phenomenon, just because her lyrics are so powerful and also relatable, not to mention she has an absolutely stunning voice, and she’s only?? 18 years old?? bro. anyways, i absolutely loved this album, and i def. recommend that everyone gives it at least a listen. my only warning is that the whiplash from “YEAAAAAH I’M ANGRY AND I’M GONNA BURN SOMETHING DOWN” to “oh my god i’m so sad i’m going to lie down on the floor and cry quietly at 2 am” feelings are REAL.

i’ve also totally, absolutely caved and decided to listen to lizzy mcalpine’s album give me a minute. so, like...i’m a stubborn gal who for some reason built this wall around lizzy mcalpine just because spotify kept recommending her music to me, so i guess because of that i decided to be like “well, now i’m not gonna listen”, but then i listened to pancakes for dinner, promptly fell in love, and i’ve been mildly obsessed with her album. each song hits so hard and has so many beautiful lyrics, not to mention lizzy’s voice is just...very nice to listen to. highly recommend, because it just...good feelings, esp. if your heart’s kind of raw and you just. need music to help you put the words to your feelings.

some more music, because just...a lot of beautiful music came out this month for some reason, but:

funeral by maisie peters, feat. james bay. i’m really in love with maisie peters’ music, but i had this on repeat as soon as it came out. maisie peters has a wonderful streak for having songs about being a little uneasy about love, and this one is just def. a favorite in that genre. also, maisie and james’ voices are so lovely together. also “i want you to roll in your grave like you’re not dead / i want you to call off the whole damn funeral”...

astronomy by conan gray. this is a slower song of his, and as always, i’m absolutely taken away by his voice and his lyrics. there’s this one line about how distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but apparently not for us and yeah i might have lost my mind a bit.

#caroline recs #i watched and listened to a LOT of stuff this month which is why this is LONGGGG sorry!#also....#tw suicide #tw negative depictions of bpd

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