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zuzu-hotman · 4 years

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Ready To Love Pt.2 [[Zuko]]

Pairing: Zuko x Female!Reader

Warnings: More angst??? Dark-ish imagery?

A/N: Uh so I got asks for more??? I want you all to know most of my works are angst- but I live for good ends so dw (; I’ll link the first part after posting bc tungle is dumb. Anyways, probably gonna do a third cause there’s a bit more I want to do with this and I don’t want too much at once <3

Pt.1

“ Hᴇʏ, ᴡɪʟʟ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀᴅs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ʜᴏʟᴅ ʜᴇʀ ᴄʟᴏsᴇ?”

Seeing him again was like adding salt to deep wounds- rubbing the coarse grains deep into gashes, open and bleeding. You kind of hated that it hurt so bad- you were supposed to be over it. You were supposed to be completely done with him. With all remnants of him. His choice was clear- the truth was laid out bare for your eyes to see.

He was not who you thought he was. He was not the Zuko you knew in your mind- and maybe he never was.

No one who had once worn a kind smile could look like he did that day, right? There was no way someone like that could just... lose all sense of themselves? That look he held- the crazed fire in his eyes.. how those flames should have touched you- burned you. Perhaps Zuko was not as skilled as Azula. He didn’t bend the way she did, but that didn’t make him any less powerful. He had good aim- he knew you’d find it hard to even try to make an attack on him. He could’ve used that against you- it’s what Azula would have done.

You assumed that if he could so easily turn into Azula’s direction.. he’d be able to be as cruel as her. That he’d use your weakness to him against you. You felt the heat of his flames, you knew they could have scorched you. You weren’t that accustomed to fighting yet. For a long time you had suppressed your bending- scared of what it might bring you and what it meant for your future.

You came to regret that eventually. You could have told your parents- your Father could have shown you so much..

Fate was absolutely cruel- you firmly believed this now. She had no right to harm you like this- to drag you through the mud, already beaten down and tired.

She allowed him the chance to be in this group. You wanted to object, violently so. It wasn’t your place to though. Your personal ties to him had no place stopping him from teaching Aang about fire bending. The Avatar needed to know all four elements to bring balance. It was important to Aang’s journey and to putting an end to this long war.

That didn’t make you despise it any less. Hatred or anger- which was it you felt?

“Please talk to me..”

His quiet plea fell upon your ears in the dead of night, long after everyone else had retired to their own spaces. You had suspected he’d find his way to you soon- someway or somehow. With no one else around to bear witness. You hated how you froze in place- how all that anger just fizzled into nothing at the sound of him. So sad- so lonely. You were his only link to his former self, to who he should have become. A tiny string stuck on it’s last thin thread. You didn’t know that however. t’s not as if that was his only reason for reaching for you like this, and that you didn’t know of as well. You were in the dark on his feelings.

As you assumed you always had been.

“___, please..”, he whispers once more when he gets no response.

You make sure to keep your breathing even, to not move at all. Give him an inch and he’d probably take miles. Miles upon miles- stretch you until you break into tiny pieces. Yet some small pieces would still yearn- crave for what your brain told you not to.

You hear his breath hitch a bit, as if he’s fighting back overpowering emotions- him? The glorious crown prince who had slain the Avatar? The prince who turned a blind eye to you, to his good Uncle? The audacity- and yet you felt no actual anger. Not when he spoke.

“I- I’m so-- ___ I’m so sorry. I know that’s not enough. I know it will never be enough- I was wrong. I did everything so wrong and Uncle- I’m sure he hates me. I’m sure you do too. I never meant- I thought it was my destiny to.. to.. capture him. For my honor and my nation. I thought I was right and..”, he takes in a shaky breath. You’re glad you can’t see him. His face just might break you. “I hurt you. I hurt Uncle. I-I made you not trust me- I disappeared and I never responded to any of your letters- I still have them I- I don’t know.. I don’t have a reason or any excuse I just.. please. Please at least talk to me- say something! Anything! I’ve missed you- I was miserable- it’s not home.. not without you. I made mistakes even there I.. even she told me that I was wrong.. even..” and he trails off, gaining no response.

Little did he know he was close to getting one. She? He didn’t mean Azula.. he would have said her name. You hated how your chest burned- what mistakes could he make there? At home? No- not home. Not your home.

“...You’re sleeping.. I hope. I almost got loud. I’m..”, he sucks in a breath, “Okay. Another time.”

You choose to ignore the way he sniffs- knowing all too well it meant he’d shed tears. If you acknowledge it, you know what may happen. You know how it’d go- how weak you’d be. This isn’t how it should be, you should be able to ignore him without batting an eye. He should be able to just let you go. He’d already done so. What was the use in this? Hadn’t he decided already, who he was or at the least who you were to him?

Clearly nothing-

You let out a heavy breath, almost shudderingly so when you hear his footsteps fade away. You clench your eyes shut, banishing any trace of wetness from your eyes. No no no- you would not cry. Not again, and not anymore. Remember how he looked- remember those crazed eyes and harsh blasts of fire. Remember and hold it- no apology could fix it. Not so simply. It would take much more than words because.. you weren’t sure your aching heart could take much more of it..

Morning came quickly, with no remorse to any who had not slept in her absence. Specifically to you or Zuko. Luckily enough, you hid it well enough. Zuko? Not so much. Clearly he looked like he’d had a fitful sleep.

Hmph-

“Wow. I didn’t know it was possible for you to look even angrier than usual.”, Sokka pipes up, already at his usual antics of antagonizing the newest group member.

“Shut. Up.”, Zuko hisses in response, causing Aang and Toph to laugh a bit at his expense.

“You really should sleep. Set a good example for your new student.”

“I said shut up.”

“He is kinda right, you know.”, Toph adds in, “It’s not good to be up so late.”

Zuko freezes for a moment, but says nothing else. You’d almost forgotten- Toph was very attuned to the earth. Of course she’d know if anyone was up and moving. The only thing to question was if she’d heard him. At the time though, there would be no answer to it. He wouldn’t ask and she didn’t seem keen on pressing the issue. No one else was aware either. So it just faded into silence, not spoken of. It was replaced by Zuko barking at Aang that it was time to start his training.

“I lost my stuff.”, he says it so plainly. Uninvited and without any context.

“Wasn’t me.”

Zuko makes a face, “No I mean my bending- I don’t know I..”

You decide to tune him out, spacing away from his frustration and Katara’s laughter. Was he really that out of it? He suddenly couldn’t bend? What a load of garbage. If he expected you to feel bad, you didn’t. Not even the slightest. Serves him right for the look he gave you when he learned of your bending. When he saw the element of fire was not in you to control, but-

“___” , He speaks your name softly.

You look up to where he stands, a few feet away. You hadn’t noticed everyone else had already gone to bed. It was just you and him and the dwindling fire between you.

“I-”

“Goodnight.”, you say, starting to stand up, brushing your legs off.

“Wait-”, he gently grabs the sleeve of your shirt but you push his hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” You don’t look at him- you can’t. You must remain strong- don’t do what you did in Ba Sing Se. Don’t fall into that hole a second time..

“At least hear me out- get mad all you want. Scream at me- hit me I don’t care just-”

“I’m not going to do that. You made your bed. Lie in it.”

“I did, you’re right. I did and I’m so-”

“Don’t apologize. Teach Aang bending. I’m not a part of this- none of them know I knew you, which clearly I didn’t. I never did. I know you as this guy I bumped into in Ba Sing Se. This guy that I thought I was nice and had a good heart but I guess I misjudged. Maybe he just feels guilty or that apologizing to me might right his wrongs or whatever. If this is your way of getting them to trust you more, I’ll allow it. Anything to help Aang.”, you speak as calmly as you can. Not sparing a glance, “You already made your choices- you already let me go so just-”

“I don’t want to let you go though- I never wanted to. I just- I thought I was right. I thought that.. you’d come home. I thought that that was still home. I was wrong. I was so wrong-”

“Yet you still stayed, huh?”, you say, bitterly now, “You had a little life out there- you had your glory. Had the nation at your feet. The crown prince who slayed the-”

“I’m not that person! I never was!”

“You seemed to think you were! You acted the part! You were there for well over a month!”, you looked at him now, eyes burning, “You weren’t sorry enough to come back earlier! You didn’t think enough- you didn’t care enough! You were gone for three years! You never replied- I lost my Father! I lost what I thought was home and you weren’t there! I find you in Ba Sing Se- acting like no time had passed! Like we never grew apart! You talk to me like you still knew me, like you still cared! Yet you still chose to do what you did!”

He’d shrunk back a bit, shocked at the bass in your voice- how heavily it weighed on him. He didn’t know you felt all that. He had no idea..

“Your Father-?”

“Don’t.”, you hiss, quieting down, now aware you might have stirred the others from their sleep, “Don’t even. Don’t come to me with any apologies unless you really mean it- unless you’re ready to tell all you have to tell. I’m done with secrets and lies. Good night.”

You walk off now, leaving him to stand by the dying fire. His hand feels cold- his chest aches- your Father? That man he’d seen love you so happily- the home that was worn down but well loved? Gone? How had you suffered so without him even knowing- what had happened to you in his absence?

Why hadn’t he even thought of it?

How did he manage to screw up a screw up?

Zuko groaned to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose, “...what would Uncle have me do- what’s right..”

How to salvage this mess?

“Mʏ ᴍɪɴᴅ ɪs ᴀ sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋs ғʟᴏᴏʀ..”

Pt.3

#zuko #zuko x reader #zuko x you #zuko fic #fire lord zuko #atla zuko #avatar the last airbender #ari writes #ready to love #oop #hi hiii

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i-guess-im-a-fanfic-writer-now · 4 years

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TITLE OF POST (because tumblr is a nightmare): A better life (Chapter 16, Avengers x reader)

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hey, so posting on the tungle dot hell website is now a nightmare because things have been changed in a very very extremely immeasurably stupid way,,, i will not be having a consistent posting schedule anytime soon

so here’s chapter 16, and if you think “this writer has no idea what they’re doing” at any point, that’s accurate, i don’t plot things, my brain just makes me write things spontaneously, and i like plants and started thinking about them while writing and obviously had to write that in

i hope you enjoy this fuckery, and if you like it, please say something or signal it to me in one way or another, i hope you’re all doing okay with life right now, and if you’re stuck with shitty relatives, you’re doing great, time is irrelevant but i hope you have a good,,, day??? time

chapter 16:

A few hours after falling asleep, you woke up. Though you did wake up with a feeling of dread, this time, you didn’t exactly wake up from a nightmare. Maybe it was just from anxiety. When you checked your phone though, there were half a dozen notifications on your phone. Peter had messaged a few times, and he seemed to be getting worried from not getting any response from you. One of the messages was your mother, again. You responded to her first, wanting to get it out of the way immediately. She only wanted to know what was happening, and didn’t care about how you were actually doing, and honestly, you just wanted to be able to stay at the Tower for longer, avoiding her as much as possible.

You pulled the covers tighter over yourself and replied to Peter. He didn’t answer, which made sense: it was dark in the room, and it seemed to be night at that point. He’d probably be asleep already.

After staying motionless in bed for some time, you got up, dragging one of the blankets with you and placing it over your shoulders and head like a cape. You wrapped yourself in it like a bat in its wings. Or like a dramatic vampire with their cape. Still in complete darkness, you walked over through the door and left the room.

The silence was so deep, you could hear your own breathing.

The thought of anyone’s reaction to you walking through the hall in the dead of night, a blanket dramatically draped over you, made you chuckle quietly.

When you got to the kitchen, you put the kettle on to make tea. After getting hot water and putting the sachet in, you went over to the wall-sized windows in the area with the couches.

There was something about this common room that was interesting during the night. You could see the stars through the window, and you were completely alone, drinking tea, looking through the window. There’s a feeling to being in a normally crowded place once it’s empty. This wasn’t eerie - in fact, it was somehow almost calming.

The sight of stars gave you some hope. Your past was.. something, but your future would be okay. You’d be okay. And you’d be with the Avengers, and Tony Stark had already proven that you could trust him with how he reacted when he found out. He was already doing things to try and help you, and everyone else here had been nice to you so far.

*Maybe I do have a chance,* you thought, *at happiness. Maybe I’ll have a family that doesn’t make me feel like shit. Even though we’re not actually related by blood.*

You walked over to a couch that faced the window and lowered yourself into it.

You opened your eyes to see the light of the rising sun shining onto you. You didn’t remember putting your tea mug on the floor, or falling asleep at any point. The room was still quiet, and you thought no one would be there.

When you got up, after grabbing your already nearly cold mug, you noticed Clint was up early for some reason. The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the air and he say on the kitchen counter, his head in his hands. You approached him. The coffee machine was still going. It was a miracle it still worked, really, with how much he used it daily.

You put your mug on the table, and touched his arm lightly to attract his attention so you’d be able to converse in sign language.

“Hey.. you know that if you have a headache, you probably shouldn’t be drinking that much coffee, right?

“Oh, Y/N, hey! What’re you doing here?” He looked even more exhausted than he did usually.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m tired. You?”

“Yeah, I think I’ll be okay.”

He nodded and you briefly smiled at each other.

“So, why are you out? You been here all night?”

“I’m not sure, actually? I just woke up at some point. Came here. It’s nice at night, you know?”

“Yeah, it is.”

After a long pause, you started to turn away from him to go to your room with your mug, but you noticed him signing before looking away.

“Care to share what’s been bothering you?” After seeing your confused expression, he continued. “I mean, your reaction to me asking about your family when Tony dragged us over to have food. I haven’t forgotten that, you know. Your face does that thing when you get taken by surprise by something. Your reaction to Tony grabbing your arm. To touch in general, really. Wanda and Pietro mentioned you seeming off the other day.”

You stayed silent as a knot formed in your stomach.

“Talk to me. Please.”

“It’s okay.”

He shook his head and got off the counter.

You hesitated, watching him get closer. “My relatives can be intense. That’s it.” You started fidgeting with your fingers.

”Explain.”

You were the one to shake your head this time.

“Are you being hurt?”

There was a slight pause.

“Stop.” Your heart dropped, and the last thing you wanted was to seem rude, especially to Clint, who taught you so much since you got here, who spent so much time with you, but this was just too much.

He stopped pressing, and you grabbed your mug and left the room in a hurry, hiding in yours immediately.

*God, now he knows. I’m so stupid.*

It took you a few minutes to calm yourself down at least a bit, and then you picked a book off the shelf behind the couch in your room. You started reading, though you were having a hard time concentrating on the words on the pages because of the signed conversation you just had with Clint. What would he do now that he knew? Maybe he’d go to Tony and ask him what to do, and he’d tell him to not force it, that he knows, that he’s doing something to change your situation. Or maybe he’d go talk to Wanda and Pietro and tell them. Maybe everyone would find out. Did everyone already have suspicions about it?

*I’m sure as hell not going back out there.. guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens... I really hope he just tells mister Stark and no one else.*

You let out a sigh accompanied by a small “aaaaaa” noise, trying to release some pent up anxiety, and then immediately flung yourself onto the side of the couch in front of the tv in the room, sitting up on the armrest like a gargoyle, remote in hand. You turned the tv on, settling on a gardening channel after a few minutes of clicking and looking around.

“Maybe I should get some plants in my room”, you whispered to yourself.

A few minutes of staring emptily at the screen while thinking convinced you: you need houseplants. Well, for your room. This led to you questioning whether anyone else on the floor has plants in their room. Plants can be really helpful, because when you have a really hard time taking care of yourself, taking care of something that isn’t you can be helpful. It gives you a reason to keep going. Plants are usually easier to care for: when something’s wring, they show it, and it’s relatively easy to determine. And plants make the air better.

*Maybe everyone here should have at least one plant*, you thought.

Somehow, once you came out of your thinking, an hour passed.

You left the room, having completely forgotten the conversation you had with Clint earlier, now fully distracted by the one thing on your mind: getting a plant, or several plants. Probably several. And asking Tony if anyone had a plant. Maybe to suggest every person should have at least one.

You went to the kitchen, trying to find Tony. Thor and a pasty white man whose hair fell to his shoulders were having an intense conversation, standing beside the kitchen table. You walked closer to them, unsure yet determined to get what you wanted. Thor quiets down and puts his hand up in front of him, prompting the other man to go quiet after following Thor’s gaze, which was now upon you.

“Hey, Y/N. How are you?” He smiles.

“Hi, I’m okay, you?”

He replies positively, which lets you ask your question.

“Do you know where Mister Stark is? Also - this might sound weird - but do you have a plant in your room? Like, here. At the Tower. You know.”

He looks puzzled, but goes with it. “I think he’s down at his workshop place? In the basement, perhaps? If not, he might be in the lab, with Bruce Banner. I don’t have a plant, why do you ask?”

“Thank you! Oh, I was just, I, um, I was watching a gardening channel, and then remembered that plants better the air quality, and - you know, plant things, and stuff”, you finish off your sentence, fearing you’d be unable to continue without talking about plants for half an hour, and not wanting to bother him with it.

The dark haired man stared at you in disbelief, probably offended you hadn’t mentioned his presence. “Sorry, I noticed you, I’m just thinking about plants, and if I get distracted right now I’ll get distracted for the rest of the day and completely forget what I’m thinking, and if that happens, I’ll remember it in the dead of night and that would be a disaster for my already freestyle sleep schedule”, you addressed him.

He raised his eyebrows as an amused expression appeared on his face. “Y/N, is it? Loki. Of Asgard.” At this introduction, you mumbled something along the lines of a polite *nice to meet you*. “So, Y/N, tell me, where might you be from? Although, no, go find Stark and talk about... plants? But later, I want to get to know you. You wouldn’t mind that, would you? We’ll have a nice chat.”

Thor looked at him and then you, with a face that could only be described as the reaction of someone being presented with a bad idea.

You did a quick, awkward thumbs up, not knowing exactly how to answer to any of this, and quickly walked over to the lift, pressing the button and leaving the floor as the two men resumed their animated conversation.

You’d decided on checking in for Tony at the lab first, since it was quicker to get to there than to the workshop, which was all the way down and then some.

He wasn’t there, though Bruce Banner was. The two of you met before, but never actually had a conversation: he was in a quiet, reflective mood when you first met, on the first night you stayed in the Tower.

After a short conversation and him focusing really hard on his scientific research, he said something along the lines of “see you later”, and you took that as your time to leave, still in search of Tony.

You went down to his workshop, finally getting there after a few stops on random floors where people got onto the lift. You were super uncomfortable, not sure how to react to strangers, so you just didn’t react, keeping your gaze to the floor and staying in the corner.

There he was, staring intently at a piece of a new suit, looking to be deep in thought.

You softly knocked at the door to the actual workshop, hoping it would get his attention. When it didn’t, you pushed the door ever so slightly, trying to communicate without intruding too much. That’s when he noticed you, and he seemed as if he had just come out of a sort of trance.

“Oh hey, Y/N, listen, I’m having a problem with this suit, been standing here practically frozen for an hour pr two, not sure, time barely happens here, you mind helping me with the execution an idea?”

You agreed to help and he immediately started describing the problem to you. Though you still couldn’t take your mind off of plants, you tried to help out, and at some point while you were speaking about a way to make his idea possible, he whispered “ah-ha! precisely, thank you!!”

A few minutes later - a few minutes that passed by as you stood awkwardly and Tony asked his robots to hand him instruments and other objects - he was done with one part of the idea. He suddenly turned to you.

“So what’s up? What’s got you going all the way down here?”

“Yeah, okay, so, um, this might sound weird or stupid, but-“, you started.

“Nope. Impossible. Because I’ll most probably be curious. Weird is the best. Go ahead, with what you were gonna say, but please don’t say that something you’re thinking is stupid, right? It’s all good.”

“Okay... right, um, so, I was thinking - I was watching a gardening show, and it got me thinking - plants!”

He nodded.

“Um, I, sorry, I’m kind of, uh, I don’t know”. You take a slight pause. “Words aren’t working right because I just really like plants and sometimes it gets difficult to express what I want to say and the words just don’t go to my brain, and right now it’s because I’m... I’m not sure what emotion this is but it’s like, the opposite of frustrated, though I am frustrated with myself for my inability to communicate, and I’m sorry because now I’m rambling and I’m gonna stop for a minute or two and gather my brain.”

You take a deep breath, later noticing Tony is smiling.

“That is such a mood. Take your time. Happens to everyone. I think. Maybe. I don’t know, actually. Right, plants. What about plants? Oh! Do you want plants? In your room?”

Your face lit up. “Yeah! That. Like, the benefits plants can bring to the air quality and health in general, be it physical or mental, they’re pretty cool, and I, um, I was thinking, maybe everyone should have at least one plant in their room? I don’t know. Like, plants!! You know?”

“Hell yeah!!! We could definitely do that, might help some people, right! Do you have any suggestions? Like, plant suggestions?”

The part of you that’s practically completely obsessed with plants starts rapid-fire listing off names of plants with enthusiasm, prompting Tony to react in a “whoa whoa wait” way, which is perfectly understandable. Sometimes you can’t even keep up with how quickly your brain might be going. Other times, your thinking is painfully slow and everything is boring. It occurs to you that brains are incredibly weird.

You continue listing plants, speaking slower this time, but still with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He seems to take all you say into his brain, trying to remember it.

“Do you want to go right now?” he asks suddenly.

“Sorry?”

“Do you want to go right now? Plant haul. Let’s get these plants. In the similar fashion of saying “let’s get this bread”, you know. So do you want to go right now? To the plant stores.”

“I’d love to!!!”

“Fantastic!!! Let’s go!!!” He walks over to the door, exits, and holds it open for you, and then the two of you reach the lift.

“Nat’s a cactus with a pink flower on top”, he casually states, with a hint of humour in his voice, as the doors of the lift close. You smile.

#avengers x reader #avengers x abused reader #avengers x reader fanfic #avengers x reader fanfiction #avengers x abused reader fanfic #avengers x abused reader fanfiction #avengers fics #avengers fanfics #avengers fanfiction

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novantinuum · 5 years

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Taste of Ordinary (Ch. 1/3)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: General Audiences

Words: 5.4K

Pairings: Gen, but implied Steven/Connie

Summary: “Connie, can we talk?”

When a much needed moonlight conversation with his best friend turns into an attempted (and failed) “spring break” from all his responsibilities as a half-Gem, Steven finally comes to terms with the truth of his diamond heritage and all five thousand years of its consequences.

Set between The Question and Made of Honor.

This is gonna be a tungle exclusive (not on AO3) until I fully complete this fic, but I’m twitchy and desperately wanted to post what I have somewhere, sooo....

This story was pretty much born out of my desire to see Steven and Connie discuss the Pink Diamond reveal, because we never got to see that? I also wanted to see Steven take some time to contemplate what this all means for him as an individual (in the build up to the “she’s gone” in Change Your Mind). Throughout all the insanity of trying to bring his family back together, he never really got any “me” time.

While I’ve written quite a bit of script-like dialogue for SU in the past, this is my first time actually publicly posting any full fanfiction for it, which is exciting. With that in mind I would very much appreciate any support, reblogs, or tag comments people may make.

Chapter 1: High Tides

“Connie,” her mother called from downstairs, “I should hope you’re planning on brushing your teeth within the hour…”

Caught in the act, Connie Maheswaran slammed shut the novel she’d been obsessively reading— book 3 of The No Home Boys series— and promptly rolled her eyes at her mom’s helicopter tendencies. “I know, I know!”

Good grief, she only got out of the shower like ten minutes ago. So maybe she does get distracted by books in the bathroom for hours on end occasionally, so what? She twisted the tap on, the exact sign her over-observant mother was waiting for, and slathered a generous layer of paste on her toothbrush. It’s nights like these she really hated this townhouse and its thin walls.

She was smack dab in the middle of brushing when a familiar song rang from her bedroom. It’s one of her favorites, the melody bringing back fond memories of dancing and togetherness and trust, memories of a connection running far deeper than any ordinary human bond could dare to dream. Eyes blowing wide, (because there’s only one person in this universe that distinctive ringtone corresponded to), she hurried through scrubbing her last molars and welled up the biggest mouthful of minty fresh flavored spit she could manage. Desperately hoping her mom won’t get after her later for skipping the floss and mouthwash, she grabbed the novel she’d been devouring and sprinted into her bedroom as if a Gem monster was on her tail.

Thankfully by the time she reached her phone it was still ringing. Depositing the book on her bedspread first, she reached to pick it up.

Steven Universe, a glimpse at the caller ID confirmed, her contact proudly displaying an image of the young teen with his tongue out in an over-exaggerated show of mock disgust, as if he’d just smelt rotten eggs or something. (It was a candid image they took a few months back and both laughed at until their sides hurt. Goodness knows what the context was, at this point.) Nevertheless she couldn’t help the untamable grin that crossed her lips at the mere thought of her best friend. She hadn’t talked to him in a few days. Hopefully, since tomorrow marked the start of spring break and she didn’t have to stress about studying for that honors algebra test anymore, she could hang out with him again.

Gleefully, she pressed to answer. “Hey you! What’s—“

“Connie, can we talk?” he interrupted, voice slightly hoarse. His gloomy tone was immediately both jarring and concerning.

“Uh—“ her heart sank, trying with desperation not to let her focus stray to thoughts of everything that could’ve possibly gone wrong in Beach City in her absence, without her help, without her sword— “of course, always. What’s wrong?”

“No, I mean- face to face. Can you come over, maybe? I know it’s like, almost past your curfew, but—“

Connie glanced at her alarm clock. Nine twenty six. Curfew at ten. She grimaced. With her parents it’d probably be a stretch, but with the right argument ...

“I’ll ask,” she replied. With any luck, they’ll understand when she explained why she needed to go. “See you soon, hopefully.”

“Okay, see ya’.”

And with that he hung up. Which was… unusual, to say the least. No parting joke, none of his usual contagious enthusiasm, no waiting for her to say bye. She gripped her phone tight, staring daggers at it as if at any second the screen might light up with another call or text, or… literally anything else.

As feared, nothing. An uneasiness grew ever present within her, constricting her thoughts and infesting her mind like a thorny vine. If Steven were facing a physical Gem threat he would’ve said so, right? He would’ve specifically called for her backup. But in this case, she knew nothing. Not the cause of his distress, nor his physical condition, nor what he actually needed- and that almost scared her more than all the combat based danger she’s faced altogether. She peered out her window, catching a flash of cotton candy pink resting in the grass in the backyard. Lion. Originally Steven’s pet, the magical creature had grown strangely attached to her ever since her friend‘s unexpected trip (well, kidnapping) to Homeworld. It was almost sweet, like he was specifically watching over her in his absence. In any case, she’d be able to warp to the temple on Lion’s back in no time. Her mouth pressed into a thin line, resolute as she picked a warm minty green sweater off the floor to slip on over her pajamas.

“Hold on Steven, I’m on my way.”

Just in case, she nabbed his mother’s sword from where last she left it, leaning against the corner of her room, and slung the scabbard’s thick leather strap over her shoulder. With a short yank to tighten it, she secured the ancient Gem weapon on her back.

Before she could turn to slip on some boots however, her bedroom door cracked open. She froze like ice.

“Sweetie, your father downstairs has a quick question for yo-“ Her mother paused mid sentence in the doorway, eyes narrowing when she noticed the unmistakable pink scabbard slung across her shoulder. With a heavy sigh, she dropped her face into her hand. “Connie…”

“I swear I was gonna come down and ask first!” Connie said.

Her mom’s gaze passed between her sword and the pleading expression no doubt etched within her own eyes. It was evident from her scrutiny that she doubted her claim. But despite all this...

“Just- just go,” she muttered eventually, roughly kneading her temple with her thumb. “It’s not like you have any school tomorrow. Text me when you arrive at Steven’s and when you’re coming back.”

She blinked in surprise.

“Wait, really??”

“Yes,” she emphasized. “Goodness knows what I say won’t stop you when it comes to helping that boy. Now go to him before I think too much about the dangers of a young girl being out after curfew and change my mind.”

Grinning ear to ear, she wrapped her arms like a vice around her now startled mother’s midsection, pressing her cheek against her heart.

“Thanks Mom, you’re the best!”

With a wry smile she hugged her close in return, gently ruffling her hair. “Mmm hmm.” And with a slight laugh: “I’ll let your father know you said that. Be smart, please?”

“I will,” she said, and gave her one last emphatic squeeze before parting ways.

Mission now unhindered by parental permission, and boots on her feet, her gaze shifted with newfound purpose to the small backyard outside her window where Lion rested. As if already intimately understanding her every intention, the creature raised his head and stared back with a soulful fervor. To be honest it wouldn’t surprise her in the least to discover mind reading was one of his natural abilities all along. After all, he always managed to take them where they needed to be. With any luck that included tonight as well.

She confidently romped downstairs with all her gear at the ready, the reality of just how much she still didn’t know filling her with equal parts excitement and dread. That’s the funny thing about being best friends with someone who’s half human and magical, she‘s long since realized: Danger or not, you never could get tired of the thrill of adventure.

As with most matters in his life right now, his ukulele had slipped ever so slightly out of tune.

Wetting his chapped lips, Steven fiddled with the tuning pegs. With each string he hummed the appropriate note as he twisted the adjoined peg, plucking until the sounds matched. It didn’t take long until he had his favorite instrument back in order, with perfectly pitched A, E, C, and G. He sighed wearily and flopped onto his back on the broad hand he sat on, stretching arms and legs spread eagle. His ukulele gave a solitary huff of displeasure as it softly clunked against the smooth stone.

If only he could discover some concrete way to realign everything else that had fallen askew, if only.

Earlier this evening he’d warped up to the temple’s hand for some quiet time, hoping to maybe put some more work into one of his many half-written songs. It was the perfect resting place because no one else came up here super often except to do laundry! Now fourteen and a half years old, for Steven this form of escapism had settled into comfortable routine. Sometimes the others referred to it as his version of ‘retreating to his gem.’ And hey, maybe in a metaphoric sense that notion wasn’t too far from the truth, since he tended to retreat here after missions that were more emotionally grueling than usual. There was only one problem: being completely alone for the first time in a few days naturally left his mind wandering towards bleaker horizons he dared not explore. Mom was once Pink Diamond, yes. But as for the finer implications of that…

The young half-Gem turned his gaze up towards the distant stars in a futile attempt at distraction, catching the faintest glimpse of a meteor from this week’s shower streaking across the stratosphere before it finally burned up.

The truth was, he’d spent all his emotional energy trying to piece his family back together after the recent revelation that he hadn’t gotten the opportunity to consider what it meant for him. After all, Pearl and Amethyst and Garnet weren’t the ones who just learned that they actually have a diamond in their belly. (And how exactly did that work with the more-human part of his anatomy anyways? He finally saw the full size and shape of his gem when he watched Mom poof, and the facets of it jutted inwards pretty deep. Wouldn’t that like… prod him in the guts, or something, or feel uncomfortable? Was he supposed to have noticed this years back?? He had so many bizarre questions about all this and no clue how or who to ask—!) For this reason, for once in his life the Gems were the last people he wanted to confide in about his concerns. While Ruby and Sapphire weren’t a source of worry anymore— their relationship mended with some time apart and a heartfelt proposal— he’d hate to drag the mood down with more reminders of the past.

So he left the house. Grabbed his ukulele and his phone, relocated up here. Briefly he considered running over to the car wash. Maybe he could talk through his muddled thoughts with Dad, discuss things he hesitated to mention in Ruby and Amethyst’s company. Except his dad… he loved Rose. He claimed Mom being Pink Diamond didn’t bother him, that no one is entitled to someone else’s past, but what if he only said this for his credit? Softening the blow, treating him like glass like everyone else? What if Mom’s secrecy about this genuinely hurt him?

He couldn’t risk worsening the blow by forcing Dad to think about it more. But as much as he desired time apart from his family to reflect, it had become troublingly clear that improvising melodies up here on his lonesome was doing nothing to settle his anxieties.

Which is why he called Connie.

Connie, who was an outsider to all his family drama, who only knew of Rose through him. No personal connections like the rest of his guardians. Connie, who spent so much time as a kid observing people from afar that she could read the mood as clear as text on a page. Connie, whose sheer enthusiasm for things as varied as fantasy books and tennis and playing violin and Under the Knife and sword practice never ceased to delight him. Connie, who made him laugh— genuinely laugh— pretty much every day he’d spent with her, the one person in this whole world he felt he could tell everything. All of this, and yet three days since they last talked.

Three days since his entire perception of his heritage shifted under his feet like rocks crumbling to mere dust in the wind.

Steven wanted her to know. If anyone could come close to understanding how upsetting an upheaval this was for him, it was her.

His fingers sought out his ukulele with the same desperation as two halves of a broken gem, twitching to fill the tranquil almost-silence with music as a distraction to himself. Still laying on his back with the full majesty of the stars as his witness, he continued practicing the chord progression for a song he was working on.

“Can’t you see that we’re celestial? Extraterrestrial? And like a….” His hand fumbled on one of the strings, producing a sour chord. He cringed at the unexpected dissonance. Repositioning on the frets, he started singing the last line over again. “And like a shooting star you brighten every midnight sky—“

“Steven?” Connie called from the distance. He cut off, a slight blush heating his cheeks as he immediately shot upright to catch a glimpse of his best friend. Far below, she dismounted from Lion and dropped solidly onto the shore. She wore a light mint colored sweater over her pajamas, and she’d brought her sword, the longblade secured in its scabbard and slung over her shoulder.

“I’m up here,” he said as he set his ukulele aside, and waved at her from up on his stony perch. Connie followed his voice, scanning the beach with all the honed skill of a private detective before eventually locking eyes with him. She beamed, and broke into a wild sprint.

“Steven!”

With grace and poise he pushed off the stone hand, willing himself by emotion’s sway to float the rest of the way down. The stiff breeze ruffled his hair as he descended. The shore and his friend grew closer and closer, the foundation of his world easing back into focus. By the time his toes met the ground Connie was already there to (probably) hug the life out of him.

True to form, she about tackled him into the sand. The pair of them stumbled a few steps together in what was nearly a dance to keep from tumbling over. Laughing in an exhilarating mixture of relief and joy, Steven wrapped his arms tight around her, pressing his cheek against the taller girl’s shoulder.

“Aaaugh, I missed you so much, what happened?” she asked. “Is everything okay?”

Visible concern tinted her expression as she stepped back, surveying the beach once more for good measure. Pearl had taught her well, that’s for sure. Thankfully, not a soul wandered these shores at this time of night apart from them.

“Yeah, we’re okay! For once there’s nothing actually dangerous out tonight. Sorry if I worried you about that, on the phone? I’m- I got kinda lonely out here and wanted to see you,” he admitted with a spike of guilt that he’d caused her to fret so much. He ran his hand through his short curls. “Is... that all right?

Her offered grin was blissfully contagious. “Of course, ya’ big doof! Always. Hey, let’s go talk by the rocks.”

Before he could even open his mouth to agree she grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along. And so they started their journey around the temple’s perimeter, towards their familiar meeting spot. It was equally convenient as it was sentimental, since its close proximity to the cliff face shielded then from both sun and wind, and was also where they first met. (His first bubble! Geeze, that felt like a lifetime ago.)

On the way, they chatted about the latest book of The No Home Boys series that he loaned her, Steven being careful to avoid giving spoilers. Connie gushed about how she couldn’t put it down. It was so good, she added, that her incessant reading of it (even at the dinner table!) almost landed her in hot water with her mom! From there, the conversation drifted between her birthday plans for next month, the lunchtime debate club she was considering joining at school when it started again after spring break, and Pearl’s comedic misunderstanding of how to use a cell phone. (“Cell-u-lar phone,” he over enunciated like she had, the two of them snickering like mad at how silly it sounded.) By the time they sat down in the cliff’s protective embrace, she curiously asked why he’d been so unusually quiet for the past few days.

“Yeah, I’m sorry for basically dropping off the map for a while,” Steven said sheepishly, leaning back against the rock. “Wednesday was… pretty stressful, and then yesterday I went on an impromptu Wild West adventure with Ruby and Amethyst and my dad, and Amethyst was a horse, and as a cowboy you don’t exactly get great cell service, so…”

“Wait, Ruby?” she exclaimed, as she pulled the scabbard’s strap over her head. Gently, she lay the sword next to her in the sand. “Is Garnet- Ruby and Sapphire, are they okay?”

“Yeah, they’re fine. They’re actually getting married in a few days, and we’re gonna invite the whole town!”

“Oh wow, really?”

“Yeah, Ruby made a big proposal and everything!”

“That’s so exciting,” Connie said, dreamy smile brightening her face. “I love weddings!”

“I know, right? I can’t wait to start planning. Finally,” he said with a melodramatic flare and flourish that would make fellow actor Jamie proud. “A fitting use for the wedding aesthetic scrapbook I’ve been working on my entire life.”

She giggled at his antics. Her laughter was one of the best sounds in the world, one which only served to egg him on.

“Hey, you may laugh, but in truth…” He cupped his face in his hands, and batted his eyelids. “I’ve secretly been but a wee romantic soul all along.”

“Oh believe me, it’s never been a secret,” she teased, playfully nudging his side.

His cheeks grew warm. In a heartbeat, all Steven could think about as he met her eyes was how lucky he was to have her as his best friend, his jam bud, and in response his smile stretched so wide he felt he was about to burst. He wondered if— no, hoped that— she felt the same. In time their hands brushed against each other as gentle and shy as a whisper. Sitting together under the stars’ constant and patient presence, his wide palm came to rest over hers. In response, she curled her slender fingers tight around his.

The world around them grew lighter, more strikingly vivid, as an effervescent, tingling sensation he could never get used to spilled out from his core, the promise of togetherness. Under his shirt his gem began to glow.

And then a bitter realization— the fact that any of his fusions would bear the burden of his stress too— sobered his innocent eagerness. He didn’t want to dump all this on Stevonnie. He didn’t want this to be the way Connie found out. With a snap, the once blissful atmosphere faded, leaving him with a creeping anxiety churning deep in the pit of his stomach. Visibly disappointed, (because he could tell she knew this was a fusion he aborted), Connie pursed her lips, pulling away as well.

Idly, she began to trace spiral designs in the sand. He bit his lip as he watched, veins running cold with the insidious and consuming fear that by trying to protect her from this he’d only succeeded in hurting her more.

Which is why, even though logically he should’ve expected it given her aptitude for people watching and sensing the mood, her next words were so surprising.

“Don’t get me wrong, I always love talking to you about whatever, but why’d you really call me over?”

“I—“ he cut off for a second, almost shocked into silence by this reaction, by the fact she didn’t comment on the attempted fusion. “Like I said, it’s been a while, and—“

“It’s just that you- you sounded pretty upset on the phone,” she said, gaze focusing on some abstract point past the tides. “And for Garnet to split up in the first place? She never unfuses for no reason.”

“It’s not- we can get to that later, it’s fine!” he insisted, attempting to inject a more chipper attitude into his voice. “Anyways, you’ve been to other weddings, right? Think you can help brainstorm ideas?”

“Steven…”

“Also, on a scale of one to five, how feasible do you think it’d be to make big balloon floats of Ruby and Sapphire for the reception decor? Be honest!”

“Steven, please. Can’t you be honest? You’re my best friend, and I can tell something’s bothering you. I wanna help however I can.”

He swallowed. Her gaze was unwavering as she spoke, resolute, with stars glinting in her irises under the light of the rising moon. He had no doubt she’d walk alongside him to the far reaches of the cosmos if he asked, to Homeworld itself— and for her sake he often wished she wouldn’t. But despite his hesitation, he had to tell her at some point. Why shouldn’t that time be now?

“Fine, okay, okay,” he sighed, dropping the act. “It’s just… really complicated. I wanted to tell you first thing, but we were having fun, and then- gahhh, I ruined it, didn’t I?”

A small hand reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it,” she said with a reassuring smile. “Talking about complicated stuff is what friendship’s for, right? Now, what’s on your mind?”

“It’s… about what happened on Wednesday. Something I discovered.” Steven nervously shifted in the sand, moving his legs out from under him. “You know all that stuff about the Diamond Authority on Homeworld, and the Gem War, and how my mom shattered Pink Diamond to stop it?”

She nodded in confirmation. His face flushed. It was now or never.

“Well, as it turns out, my mom actually kinda—” his voice dropped to barely a whisper— “was Pink Diamond.”

He hugged his knees tight to his chest as the fated truth finally sloughed off his tongue, staring out at sea with an almost blank expression. The tides were coming in. The ocean lapped against one of the temple fusion’s fallen hands that was lodged deep in the sand, slowly grinding away at its stone bit by bit, year after year. Unyielding. The silence between them didn’t last long, of course, but living in the moment it stretched into an infinity just as unimaginable as those tides.

“Oh,” was Connie’s initial response, and somehow that single syllable conveyed more raw meaning than any other string of words could dare to dream.

“Yeah. So, that’s a thing now.”

“That’s… that’s pretty big.”

“So was she,” he responded with a soft laugh.

“You saw her?”

“Yup! Well, in a memory... inside Pearl, inside Pearl, inside Pearl, inside Pearl inside Pearl’s pearl,” he said, slowly counting off each Pearl on his fingers. Seeing Connie’s blank expression, he bashfully rephrased. “I went inside her head. They were in that palanquinn, the one in Korea, and I- I watched my mom shapeshift back into Pink Diamond. Into her true form.”

The two fell back into a comfortable stillness as all this information sank in, not only for Connie but for Steven too. He was still processing it himself. Talking out loud instead of letting it linger in his mind like stagnant water helped.

Her mouth bobbed open. He followed her gaze to his stomach, knowing exactly what she was about to ask.

“Your gem, then. That means you’re also—?”

“A diamond,” he completed, pressing his palm against his belly, feeling the familiar faceting of his gem under his shirt. “Yeah. I guess it explains a whole lot, though! The healing spit, bringing watermelons to life, floating. The Gems always said no one but Mom was able to do all that, not even other Rose Quartzes.”

“Wait a minute,” Connie said, eyes widening. She jabbed her finger at him, brimming with barely contained excitement. “The dream!”

“The... dream?”

“The dream, remember? The really weird one we had on the jungle moon, in the diamond base! We dreamed about Pink Diamond. All that suddenly makes so much more sense now.”

“Oh. Oh! That dream! Yeah, it really does,” he smiled. “It’s still weird. But it’s also kinda a relief? That she didn’t really shatter someone, I mean.”

She cupped her chin in her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. Her brow furrowed. He could almost see the steam pouring out of her ears, interlocked gears grinding against each other as she attempted to puzzle through the next logical question.

“So what really happened?”

Steven turned to face her directly as he attempted to make sense of it all, his thoughts spilling over each other until they emerged as nothing but a fluid stream of consciousness:

“The gist is that my mom didn’t want Earth to be destroyed so she disguised herself as Rose Quartz and fought her own armies and then when the other diamonds wouldn’t let her stop the colonization she fake-shattered herself with Pearl’s help to stop the war entirely but it totally backfired and the rest of the diamonds corrupted all the other Gems on the planet in revenge for Pink’s fake-death and the only reason I never knew this before was because her last order to Pearl was to never tell another living soul about it.”

By the time he’d finished, Connie’s eyes were blown wide.

“Wow,” she breathed. “That’s... a whole lot to take in at once.”

“Yup.”

“So... how are you feeling about all this?“

“I- I don’t know anymore,” he said with a wide shrug. “Confused? It’s just- all my life I thought I was one thing, and then suddenly ‘surprise, Steven! You’re actually a diamond?’ Heh. Geeze.”

With a weak laugh, he ran his fingers through the short curls at the nape of his neck. His expression sobered again.

“Honestly,” he admitted, “I’m more worried about how everyone else is handling the news.”

“Oh yeah, are they okay?”

“I think they are now. But Garnet took it so hard she unfused, and even though I think she’s kinda relieved it’s no longer a secret Pearl’s been treating me like glass, and Amethyst... well, is Amethyst, so she’s mostly fine, but now she seems to believe it’s her job to make me feel better, which it isn’t.”

Connie listened patiently as he got all this off his chest, tumultuous thoughts he hadn’t the time or the courage to vocalize before. Now more than ever he was so thankful to have such a close friend.

“My dad seems okay, thankfully. But I guess this all got me thinking... I really can’t escape any of this. All my mom’s decisions are just gonna keep following us, and following us, and it feels like I’m the only one who’s doing anything to patch things up. I’ve been trying so hard to hold everyone together all this time that now it’s like I’m the one falling apart! But I dunno,” he said with a heavy sigh, looking with yearning back towards the ocean as if seeking an answer to a question he hesitated to ask aloud. He felt his hair ruffle in the throes of faint coastal breeze. “Sometimes I wonder if that’s just me being selfish.”

He gripped the sand, fingertips scouring shallow ridges in the loosely packed, granular surface. Now that he’d admitted one of his biggest fears— let the words slough off his tongue into actuality— he didn’t feel any better, more like an exposed nerve. A wave of guilt shot through him, guilt that he was burdening her with this in the first place, that he couldn’t always be the bright-eyed, optimistic Steven everyone expected, that he—

“I don’t think that’s selfish,” Connie said.

The tension in his hand eased.

“It sounds like you’re wanting some space to take care of yourself, that’s all. Self care is super important.”

A familiar grounding presence met his shoulder, and he turned to meet his best friend face-to-face. He was met by an unwavering smile, and eyes glistening with an honesty he wasn’t sure he always deserved.

“So maybe what you need,” she finished, scooting a bit closer to him, “is… a bit of time away from everything that’s making you stressed?”

“Yeah. Yeah,” he agreed with a slight crack in his voice, cheeks heating as they sat in such close proximity. “That sounds really nice right about now.”

“It’ll be like a mini vacation!” she said, and paused in thought. She enthusiastically jabbed her finger towards him, realization coloring her features. “Hey, kinda like your very own spring break, just like me!”

Mood lifting considerably at the idea, he squished his face with a loud, drawn-out gasp. “Oh my gosh, we’ll finally be spring break buds! You’ll be on break from school, and I’ll be on break from all the usual stuff like corrupted Gem missions, mortal danger, and being kidnapped! It’s perfect!”

An indiscernible emotion flickered across her eyes at that last bit, so subtle he almost didn’t catch it. “Yeah, um—“

“Hmm, but where should I go?” he mused out loud with barely a feather ruffled. “I can’t exactly stay at my house, because it’s supposed to be a vacation. Dad’s too close. Mask Island is too… watermelon-y. The barn’s in space. I guess I could find a motel…”

As he was pondering the mystery of where he might go vacationing, Connie rose to her feet with solid confidence. She picked up her sword and slung its leather strap across her shoulder. She then extended a hand to him, a silent but unquestionable request. The damp, malleable sand compacted under his sandals as he stood. She grinned conspiratorially.

“Come on, I know exactly where you can go.”

“What-a who-da hey??” he cried out in surprise, almost stumbling over his feet when her strong grip became even more taught and she began to pull him across the shore at a sprint. “Where the heck are we—“

“To Lion!” she said, gaze locked on the familiar shock of cotton candy pink resting just around the bend, actually not too far from where she first disembarked for once. “I thought… maybe you can stay with me!”

They zoomed past the first of the half-buried stone hands, through its rigid, unshakable shadow. Steven always thought it strangely intimidating, even if not intentionally so. He pursed his lips. Hmm, how relevant to his current emotions on Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran.

“That’d be super fun, but. D’ya even think your parents are gonna allow that?”

“I’m—“ her stalwart confidence wavered, their pace slowing as they finally reached Lion’s side— “not sure, but it’s worth a try, isn’t it?”

She gave Lion a quick scruff behind the ear. The magical creature leaned into her affectionate touch, his chest rumbling with a deep purr. The sight made Steven feel all floaty inside. He was genuinely happy the two of them were that close and trusting of each other.

“Good enough for me!” he said. “Let’s do it.”

Connie’s excitement at this— while not explicitly voiced— nearly bubbled over the brim like soda fizz, as if the mere idea of him sleeping over was held in greater anticipation than even the upcoming season finale of her favorite show. With practiced grace, she slung herself onto Lion’s back. In time he rose onto all four feet, as regal in his leisurely nature as ever. It was a silly observation in the long run, but he couldn’t help but admire how the mint green of her sweater and the pale blue of her pajamas stood in perfect contrast with the lion’s wild pink mane. His best friend offered her hand.

He began to reach out, when his previously wandering thoughts landed on a pertinent reminder. His eyes blew wide.

“Wait, I need pajamas! And also,” he said, eying his house, and the light still on inside, “I should probably let everyone know where I’m going before I completely disappear from town for the night? The last thing they need right now is something else to worry about.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a wise idea. Also good reminder, I need to text my mom.”

As she reached into her pocket for her phone, he began his short jog up the hill to the porch. He paused before he reached the splintered wooden rail by the stairs, turning back to call out his parting message.

“I’ll just be a few minutes, okay?”

She waved him off. “Okay! No worries. Unless Lion has secret lion plans, I’m not going anywhere.”

#su #steven universe #connie maheswaran #su fanfiction #conniverse #my writing stuff

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applecherry108 · 5 years

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first of all hooooooooolyyyy shiitttt

FUCK tungle. it took like 30 tries to log in on desktop. admittedly, i was using the wrong password at first, BUT, even when i remembered the right one it kept giving me shit. This is what i get for being L337 i guess... -_-

anyways, im only on desktop so i can add a readmore to say:

i just,,,,,hate voltron. okay? It sucked. it fucking sucked. i watched the first season and it was like, okay yeah, this has potential. and then s2 was like, okay yeah not as good but maybe s3 will pick up...

s3 didn’t pick up. it was just one long death spiral by the same idiots who fucked up the atla sequel. i hate their writing, i hate their story plots, i hate how they butcher any good ideas they have, and i especially hate their inability to have good character AND plot development happen at the same time.

I got swept up in storm of klance and that’s about it. i have soft spots for other ships but at the end of the day i don’t care. i just don.t fucking,,, care???

the fandom is a mess, the crew was a mess, everything was a fucking mess from the get go.

Like who tf is this show written for?? it has to be for like, 8-10 year olds. It has to be. Everything is just so....stupid. Nothing is ever properly explained, motivations never really given, everyone is just a 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of a trope. And that pisses me off so much bc like??? other shows aimed at young kids can still have great world building. they can have good world building and characters and overall story and still be cheesy and a lil dumb. cheesy and a lil dumb is completely fine!! but voltron is just so...godammn... BORING!! it’s like i WANT to like the characters but its just so goddamn hard when everybody is so fucking flat. by all rights, i should want to marry allura. shes everything i loved when i was little, from her color pallet to her princesshood to her white fucking hair!! i should LOVE allura but i don’t!! i kind of hate her. why?? i don’t know!! shes so...boring! and flat! and fucking PASSIVE! everything in this show lands so fucking flat holy shit.

pidge at matts “grave”? yikes, that was second hand hard to watch for like.... “oooh this is so serious!” but the buildup wasnt there...it was kind of funny tbh... and HELLA awkward...

don’t get me started on lance and hunk. bolin was my favorite look character for the first few episodes and then he got knocked to Comic Relief and had maybe two (2) importantish moments. he/they may be part of the main cast but they’re not main characters. they feel like background props to the Actual Main characters.

which brings me to keith.

FUCK keith.

that’s my reaction after every! new! season!! is just,, FUCK keith. god the show functioned SO WELL without him. he’s just so...idk. i also don’t care. what was his character arc anyway? it SHOULD have been about learning to love and trust others but we only get that in lip service and speed run character development (i hate the quantum abyss...so much... like yeah, who cares about SHOWING our characters mature, let’s just tell that it happened in afucking montage.) if keith were a properly developed character he shouldve remained PASSIONATE and idk, run support?? that boy SHOULD have piloted red, end of story. period. keith doesn’t need to lead he needs to learn to TRUST others and that insludes trusting other WITH HIS LIFE. i won’t rant about how we should have had black paladin lance, but keith should have never ever been black paladin. even after he “matures” he still sucks at. he’s this awful,,little,, Shiro 2.0. and I hate it. i ahte it and i hate shiro just a little bit. even though he was arguably the most likeable character, he shouldve stayed dead. or missing. or whatever. he didn’t need to come back and they didnt need to make keith a little offbrand clone of him. i ESPECIALLY hate that they aged keith up 2 years for no goddamn reason other than to make him the Adult (tm). keith’s dedication to others was gre4at, but it should have, and im failing for this word here so forgive me, climaxed? cresscendo’d? whatever. /resulted/ in him playing support. not leader. lone wolf keith doesn’t need how to lead his pack, he needed to learn to HELP his pack. to be a TEAM PLAYER. he didn’t want the responsibility of leading bc guess what?? some people hate leading!! there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be support! keith’s entire arc is a huge mess of missed opportunities and a grand illustration that he is lm’s and jds’ favorite, just like fucking mako.

i won’t rant about mako, but just know i fucking hate him and the special treatment he gets, and good LORD does keith take over mako. keith isn’t space zuko he’s space mako and it fucking SHOWS.

okay, i’m losing steam here, but like.... so apple, why tf where u voltron 24/7 if you hated it so much? because homestuck was over and i needed a new hyperfixation. and i really had to force it for vld tbh. and at the end of the day, it wasn’t so much about the show itself as the potential of klance (or sheith, up until s3). between the interviews, the coding, the fucking EVERYTHING--it really felt like it could be canon. i knew in my heart it was queer baiting but i had HOPE dammit. hope that this could be killer representation, hope that these characters would delvelopment into something incredible. again, there was so much POTENTIAL. and all of it was wasted. everything really came to a head during the fucking game show episode. it was like lm and lds giving everyone who likes lance the middle finger, really driving home that “no no, he IS just stupid. he’s the comic releif. there’s nothing deeper about him and no one will stand up for him bc they all think of him as such.” and that just....broke my heart. we were so...SO close to lance actually mattering but nope! bolin’d again! and what was his purpose in s8? why to be an accessory to allura of course!

i’ve seen a lot of people really divorce themselves from canon and live solely for fanon, esp fanon klance but like.... i can’t. i just can’t. it’s so fucking hard to work with these cardboard characters. you can only draw so much depth onto them, you know? until the very last moments they had potential, but then it all got snuffed out. but who cares about canon? why bother with it? because! we don’t have a solid consistent fanon version of them! no one sat down and delivered the ten commandments of “here’s what we agree k and l are actually like” it’s stupid and it sucks because everyone has their own little differences and its so so tiring to basically be interacting with minutely different ocs all the goddamn time. canon matters bc it gives everyone the same base to work with. like a cooking showing with the same basket ingredients, but now it’s like.... ya’ll don’t wanna use the mandatory ingredients (and why would you? those canon ingredients are like, a century egg and spoiled sardines, they’re awful.)

okay, and im at work and just came back to this and dont remember my train of thought so like... what really threw all this into sharp clarity was the recent steven universe episodes. they were so...GOOD. so fucking good. so much plot and foreshadowing coming to a head. it was such a wonderfully satisfying payoff that it made me remember what a GOOD show is like, how vld is so very very /bad/. the difference is fucking striking. where one is an intricately woven tale with excellent character development and clear story AND character arcs, that can progress AT THE SAME TIME, one is a hacked together flaming dumpster firing that constantly falls flat and doesn’t know where its going or why. and it s so BORING! like fight scenes can be amazing! they can be well coreographed and tense! and we as the audience can be anxious about the outcome! and vld just wasn’t that! it was boring repetetive action in the least exciting way. and where su set up a lot of potential, holy shit they DELIVERED on that potential. not just for rep, but for characters! for story! for plain ol simple character interactions! and then, again, two dimensional cardboard cutouts.

and now with this difference in good vs bad show so very clearly highlighted for me, i just.... i can’t, anymore, with vld. it sucks. it sucked and i can’t pretend or force a fixation with it that just isn’t there, and truthfully, probably never was. maybe that’s why i’ve been struggling to finish my fic, struggling ever since i posted the last chapter, ever since s7, which, again, that game show was really the nail in the coffin as far as holding onto any hope that this tire fire would ever pick up. like a physically feel ill trying to finishing this stupid fic bc i don’t care so hard. i don’t care and i just... really want to be over it. im sick of seeing it everywhere, im sick of the drama, of the Discourse. like all fandoms have their issues, but hold fuck does vld fandom have a massive Purity problem. like, god, let people ship whatever. who cares. die mad about it.

like homestuck, idk if i’ll ever fully ween myself off vld but i want to move on. i want to enjoy Other Things without having this lackluster weight on my shoulders. and more than anything, i want to stop feeling like im obligated to like the same shit as i did two years ago, or last year, or hell, last week! feel free to unfollow, but yeah i just.... really needed to let this out in a proper post and not in the misc tags somewhere.

#behold my loathe letter to vld #if you actually enjoyed the show and don't wanna read all my bitching then like...probably pass this post up lmao #apple talks #to the tune of spam

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uniformbravo · 5 years

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me trying to make a gif part 2 (thrilling finale, buildup ver.)

ok good news and bad news: good news being withheld for Spoilers (not that it’s that hard to guess anyway lol), bad news explained first bc, chronologically, it is first

so yesterday i mentioned in the tags of that post that i had seen that krita has an animation feature so i was gonna try importing the frames into that and then exporting it as a gif. easier said than done, as it turns out

i started by opening the file i made yesterday with 62 layers as the frames and importing that into krita, which worked fine (i didn’t know you could actually open .psd files in clip stuido ((this typo is so fucking stupid it made me laugh so im leaving it)) and krita, so that’s pretty neat, i wonder if it works the other way around too) but i ran into problems when i tried to convert those layers into frames in an animation. because, like, the layout of the program has the layers displayed in one tab, and the animation timeline in another, like so:

(do u like how im using pictures now, i thought of that yesterday after i published the other post and realized hey, visual reference would probably make my plight a lot easier to understand!! so enjoy these educational diagrams from now on)

so my goal was to get the frames from the layers into the timeline, and i still don’t know if i did it right bc lbr krita is not very intuitive at all,,.,, i mean i watched a video tutorial abt how to animate in krita which was v helpful (it’s the one by jesse j james on yt fuckin SHout out) but it was about animating from scratch, not importing an animation you’ve already done elsewhere

so like, the way krita’s animation thing works, from what i could piece together as i bumbled my way around w/ it, is that each layer in the layers tab is a separate timeline in the,,, timeline tab

i want them all to be in the same timeline, not separate ones, and there’s no way to combine them in the timeline tab bc doing that just overwrites whatever layer you’re pasting it down onto, and also if you define the number of frames for that timeline (62 for this project) it just puts the single image of that layer for all of the frames instead of just one of them, so you’d have to go through and delete all the other frames you don’t want it to be, which would be such a fuckin pain

so i found a workaround, which is so tedious that it can’t be the right way to do it, but basically i started w/ layer 1 and defined 62 frames & then emptied frames 2-62, like this

(that blue box is the frame, btw, even tho it says 0, which actually kind of annoys me like why doesn’t it start the first frame on 1????)

from there i went up to layer two and selected that in the timeline, but for some reason the frame doesn’t show up automatically?

& i couldnt fuckin figure out how to make it into like, an Official Timeline Layer or whatever tf bc like, u see on layer 1 how theres that little lightbulb-looking icon on the right? that’s for turning on onion skin which only applies when you actually have frames with things drawn on them, so basically layer 2 in the layers tab has a drawing but in the timeline it doesn’t?

i didn’t find out what the actual reason for this is or how you’re /supposed/ to make the frame appear in the timeline, but what i did was right click on layer 2′s timeline & select “create blank frame” which magically made the frame i want appear

but it’s on top of the layer 1 frame, and i want it to be the frame after. also it’s still in a different timeline. this is the only easy fix in this whole damn process, u can literally just click & drag the frame from layer 2 to layer 1 and put it wherever u want on the timeline

and then u just delete layer 2 and that’s it, frame transferred!! then i just had to do that for 60 more layers and after [unspecified amount of time but it was a fuckin while ok] my timeline looked like this!

(the gaps near the end are held frames, to save me time so i didn’t have to copy a bunch of frames that were exactly the same)

krita is great because as far as i know ur animation can have an unlimited number of frames, at the risk of your own pc’s processing power, which is a definite upside to SOME expensive art programs i know (clip studio, i’m talking abt csp) and u can pick the frame rate too (cough photoshop elements 5.0 even tho u dont technically have an animation feature & it’s a miracle u can even make gifs at all) so once i finally got all the frames situated all nice and in order like on the same timeline, playing it was great! played at the right speed, looped perfectly, it was a dream come true right

well, time to export it as a gif

haha

hoooo oo o

so u got 2 options for exporting ur animation, u can either hit “export,” which lets u save it as different file types, one of which being gif, or you can hit “render,” which gives you gif and video options

well

i tried export first, bc that seemed like a good idea, but the “””gif””” it made was distinctly not a gif, despite its claim to be one?? this is what i got:

notice: 1. it is not moving, and 2. the black bars to the sides?? those are supposed to be transparent. they’re transparent in the file i made so why didn’t they register as transparent in the export, when gifs have transparency capabilities??

so That was some real live bullshit but i still had the “render” option, right? export was wrong, so rrender must be the correct option to go to that will produce the results i am wanting to see produced in front of me like a silver dinner platter with a correctly functioning gif under the lid, that’s what i want to see and “Render Animation...” is gonna Give me that silver platter righWRONG ok look at this shit rn ok Look

it says GIF it says it RIGHT THERE right??? right?????? then WHY

?????????????

and it also gave me all This bullshit

like did i ask?? did i fucking ask???? i already have all the individual frames why do i need even M o re i mfjgjgk

((rationally ok yea thats v useful for if ur making the animation in krita and want to export the frames to use elsewhere, but like uhhh 1. again, they’re not transparent & 2. i should have the option of saying i don’t want these??? bc *meme voice* i don’t want these)

so in the end i could find NO correct method of exporting animations as a gif in krita bc every ooption that says gif is fuckign LYING to ur face there are NO gifs in krita, aliens made the progam who looked at gifs and went “hmm i thikng this is how a gif works “ and just made jpegs instead but somehow got on the computers good side and got it to lie for them about it being a gif so thats why it says gif on the file still even tho its not a gif illimati confinr

so what is the conclusion to this? well i said there was good news too, and this is the portion where i divulge that sweet nectar (i type dthis 2 seconds ago and @ me what the fuck)

so after wasting a good 2 hours trying to figure out krita i gave up and watched some good old [youtuber name redacted bc what if it shows up in search & ppl see this dumbass post in there but it rhymes with fjackfsepticfeye] to relax into accepting my fate that i’ll never be able to upload my animations to tungle except in poor quality loopless video form, making me into a laughing stock on my own art blog, but THEN i had a stroke of genius, in my Brain

so if u read yesterday’s post u might remember that flipnote studio, the animation program i use on my ds, to animate, has the option to export files as gifs, both animated and sequential (meaning either as one fully animated gif or each individual frame separately), which is super convenient, but as i mentioned yesterday, any time i tried to open the folder with those files on my laptop, it crashed immediately

WELL today i thought “hey, how about instead of opening the folder in the sd card when it’s plugged in, how about i copy that folder from the sd card to my flash drive, and try to open it there, in case it’s the card’s hardware that’s causing the problem, not corrupted files”

so i tried that and it FUCKING WORKED THANK GOD GLORY HALLELUJAH

so now instead of spedning A THOUSAND YEARS trying and failing to force art programs to bend to my will i can just export the animations straight from my ds and drag them onto my computer Just As God Intended oh GOD im so fucking happy

here’s the gif in the end, i’m gonna post it to my art blog too but this is the Green Version bc i animate in green bc of some default settings in flipnote that i got used to, plus it makes me feel like i’m just sketching so nothing really has to be finalized so i’m comfortable while i work, and also it’s just nice ok it’s a Nice Green

(there’s a few frames at the end that are like the extra scraps from while i was working dw i got rid of those in the final version that i’m posting to my art blog later. also i added my blog url to that one too it’s aaaaaall good)

the only downside to this method is that i can’t change the canvas size to be 540px wide to fit with tumbrl s image dimensions but whatever i can just post them in a text post and fix the html to display it at its original size instead of the resizing bullshit tmurbl pulls constantly ugh. anyway it works great on desktop but it’s inevitably gonna look like shit on mobile no matter what i do *Big Ass Shrug*

anyway thats the end of my success story uhh i can’t make the like comment & subscribe joke again bc i already did that in the last post so like bye i guess thanks 4 watchign & have a great day i’ll see u in my next fvideo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYob4uDjEKI&t=0s

(^that’s my outro music)

#this started out so boring like a tutorial (but made by someone who doesn't know what the fuck theyre talking abt)#& then things derail Real Quick #that's why this is the ''buildup ver.''#retag later #talkin bout stuff #today posts #rieley's wips #(me: i can't mention this youtuber by name in case my post shows up in search #me: *adds a link to the post rendering that effort for naught*#me: *leaves it anyway bc it's funny*)#pls listen to the outro musi c it's rly good & tunmgmldnr wouldnt let me embed the video & idk how to do it thru html & too lazy to look it #up :(

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