#though with the way my brain works I'll post this and 30 seconds later come up with some whole ass other idea
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Corset- Garou x GN!Reader
Not overly NSFW but since its on my NSFW blog I would prefer no minors.
After I wrote it it progressively got more nsfw so def no minors allowed.
I’ll post a more SFW version to @hero--for--fun
@unclegarou here ya go ya simp, content of your man because I can't write King atm
~Lately you’d seen Garou’s eyes wandering, and you were convinced it was because you weren’t as attractive as before. You’d be walking with him and he’d be looking everywhere except at you.
~ You’d tried dressing cute, you tried doing your hair different, you even tried dressing a little bit slutty for him. They worked for a bit, but then he would just lose interest again. UGH WHY IS HE LIKE THIS
~After seeing a new trend on Tiktok you were inspired to try something new. You saw a lot of people putting on corsets and tightening them, and then putting on these leggings that made ya booty POP. The result was a very pleasing curve. You bought the leggings almost immediately.
~You had gotten the corset from Scamazon. A shady site, but it was so cheap and Garou was on your Amazon account and you didn’t want him seeing this. It was gonna be a surprise.
~The second it arrived you threw it on and looked at yourself in the mirror. Not much of a difference yet....So you kept tightening it, and tightening it, and tightening it....Until you couldn’t get it any tighter. “Perfect!” You squeaked out before you pulled on a shirt and the leggings. Everything felt fine, and you were excited to show Garou the results!
~Couch Potato was on the couch when you came out the bedroom, and you knew he hadn’t been there five minutes ago. He always came in and out as he pleased, and hopefully in a few hours he was going to be coming in and out of you. Hopefully not on the couch though, he got blood on it last week and hadn’t bothered cleaning it up.
~”Oh Garou~” You sang as you came around the couch.
~”Hell you want brat, can’t you see I’m busy?” He opened his eyes, a smile already on his face even before he saw you. One look and his eyes bulged out his head. “You.....You uh...:”
~”I’m going out for a bit, you need anything?” You asked, putting a hand on your hip. That felt weird, but you played it off. “Seeing as how your soooo busy.”
~Garou’s already up and heading to the door. “Lets go, where we going?” He’s sharing the braincell with a dog about to go on a walk, and his treat is how nice your ass looks in those leggings.
~Yeah, his eyes are on you alright, along with his hands and lips. However, your keeping those hands off your sides because you want to keep your little secret to yourself for now.
~You two are out and about for about two hours before your body starts to feel weird. Your sides are killing you at this point, and you can’t breathe too well.
~You were about 30 minutes from the house when your body just gave out, and a surge of pain shot through your side. You collapsed, and Garou lunged to save the eggs before realizing you were falling as well. Two birds in one stone, he got you and the eggs.
~Thats when he felt it.
"Whats is this?" He asked harshly as he began lifting up your shirt.
"Nothing, Garou I'm fi-!"
~One look and you shut up as he carries you into a secluded area nearby and begins inspecting the corset. His silence is heavy, and it says a lot. Its a matter of seconds before he hooks a nail under the lace in the back and cuts it open, causing that modern day torture device to practically shoot off.
~Your entire lower half is covered in bruises, with the most prominent being where the corsets cheap plastic spines had been literally DIGGING into your skin, leaving the most angry marks you'd ever seen. The corsets pattern was actually visible in your flesh as Garou inspected you carefully.
~"Your an idiot." Garou snarled as he yanked your shirt down. He managed to get you and the groceries up.
~You kept quiet the rest of the way home. When you got pulled into a secluded area you wanted it to be so your back could get blown, not your plan!
~Garou won't talk to you on the way back, and he won't let you talk. Whatever going on in his mind is an enigma. Its probably dry wall
~At home he peels off your shirt as gently as he can and lays you on the couch. He's kind enough to toss you a pair of sweatpants too, though not gonna lie, he was really planning on banging you later. Had the corset not been there, you might have gotten some human monster dick.
~Once your situated he flicks your forehead. "Do something stupid again and I'll show you why I'm the human monster." He flicks you again as he starts to walk away. "Any thoughts in that head of yours or are you truly Dummy thick?"
~"......You don't look at me the way you used to.....You.....You haven't looked at me that way until I did this." You can't even bear to look at him, because one look and the tears will happen and you know he's not emotionally capable of comforting you and it'll be awful.
~"Because I have an image to uphold and heroes t-.......If you start crying I'm not go-......Just.....Shit...." Garou put a hand on your shoulder. "Listen kid, I only have the heart eyes for you and the evil eyes for everyone else. I'll work on it, but as I stated before. Any more stupid ideas a-!"
~"Like.....Human Monster sex o-!"
"No. Thats the only stupid idea your allowed to have." Garou held up the leggings. "I'm keeping these for when your better, and if you bring any more of those torture tubes in here I'm leaving."
~The next few days Garou inspects your torso and ensures that your at least healing. He doesn't wanna deal with the hospitals but at the same time you kinda fucked yourself up.
~Sex is off the table until the brusies are gone. He likes to gently run his hands up and down your sides though, thats always nice.
~As promised he does pay more attention to you. He doesn't always mean to lose focus, but his brains a thousand and one places at once and their always dumb places. He's literally one gas station visit away from medically being declared a Chad or Kyle.
~Likes the leggings on you.
~Garou totally dragged you to a cheap doctor so they could lecture you on corset dangers and then dragged you to a lingere store to see how corsets properly go. He also played with a dildo on the counter. Just watched it jump around for like 5 minutes while the woman talked with you.
~He later got banned.
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Steam
Steam | One-Shot | 2.8K | General
Title: Steam
Fandom: The Mandolorian
Pairing: Din Djarin/ Reader
Rating: General
Word Count: 2.8K
Summary: The kid (and eventually Mando) get sick and you've got to get creative.
Cross posted from Ao3 here
A/N: This is just some teeth rotting fluff that came to me at 2am. Enjoy! Also can’t forget to thank @soyelfuegoquearde for keeping my head on straight and beta reading for me! Bless you!
You wake up with sleep still in your eyes to heavy breathing and small coughs coming from the kid’s silver sphere. Sitting up from your make-shift bed on the floor, you open the kid’s sphere to find him still asleep but fussing. He had picked something up a couple of days ago, and you were starting to get worried but not as worried as his dad. Mando would pace in the belly of the razor crest as you slowly rocked a fussing kid.
"Have you tried tea?"
"Yep."
"Broth?"
"Yep."
"Medicine?"
"Yep."
Still pacing, you can hear soft mumbling coming from his voice modulator.
"He could get worse... he needs a healer... but someone might tell... it could get back to... he wouldn't be safe... he needs to be safe... needs to be okay."
This was the first time you had ever seen Mando --- Panicked? You reach out and grab his forearm with your freehand, stopping him mid-stride.
"Mando, he'll be fine. Kids get sick, it happens, but he'll get better. Look how strong he is," You finish saying as you boop his tiny green nose.
You say this to reassure him, but deep down, to reassure yourself too. You know how strong the kid is, but he was still so small.
Over the course of a couple of days, you had tried everything, but nothing seemed to work. He was still coughing, his nose was plugged, and when you put your ear to his tiny chest you could hear it rattle. On the fifth day of this nonsense, you had almost had enough. The kid was sick and grumpy because he couldn't sleep; you obviously didn't blame the kid. You just wished you could make him feel better. But if taking care of one person wasn't hard enough, you suddenly had to take care of two. Mando was worried and grumpy; he hadn't slept much either and was barely eating; all of his energy was focused on the kid. You practically had to push him off the Razor Crest this morning to catch his bounty.
"But the kid!"
"But the kid, nothing. You've spent two days just staring at him. He’s going to be fine!"
"But what if he gets worse?"
"We've got coms. I'll call you."
He turns around and looks you in your eyes (you assume).
"I can't go. My head’s not in it."
You cross your arms, unwavering in your stance.
"It's a dumb, rich teenager who skipped bail. You could do this with your eyes closed."
His head falls. No one speaks, but his thoughts are loud enough you can hear. You place a hand on the cold beskar of his helmet, the heat of your hand almost penetrating through the metal to cup his cheek.
"He will be okay. I'll take good care of him."
Mando lifts his head, knowing that you'd do anything for that little womp rat.
"What if I tell you I'll give you updates every couple of hours?"
"Every 30 minutes."
"Every hour."
"Deal"
His shoulders are still weighed by his paternal concern but with the assurance that his son is safe in your care, he turns away from the Crest and heads off to find his bounty.
A couple of hours passed since Mando went on his hunt; you had fed and given the kid some medicine as well as done your promised check-ins. As you sit down on the floor, leaning against the wall of the razor crest, still slowly rocking the kid, you start to hum a song your mom used to sing to you when you were sick as a kid. Continuing to softly hum, your eyes suddenly burst open with a memory from when you were younger.
Quickly you move the kid from your arms into his sphere to change into a pair of shorts and take off your shirt with your breasts still wrapped underneath. With the kid now back in your arms you head to the fresher. As a kid, your mom would turn the shower to the hottest setting and would hold you while sitting on the floor, enveloped by the steam and wait for it to loosen everything in your chest. And you had the exact same plan for the kid.
Slowly the small fresher started to fill with warm steam, continuing to rock the kid who, honestly, hadn't left your arms much in the last five days. You feel him begin to settle and take normal breaths. You feel Incredibly relieved; all you wanted in the world right now was for this little one to get better. Finally feeling some peace, you leaned your head back and let the darkness envelop you.
You couldn't remember the last time you slept longer than 15 minutes. If somehow the kid was quiet and not struggling, you'd panic and wake up to check on him. But right now, you feel something cool radiating beside you and soft caresses on your face.
"Cyare"
Your eyes flutter open, the lights in the fresher are suddenly very bright, but your eyes start to focus on the beskar covered man squatting beside you.
"Mando," you say very groggily.
Still lightly caressing your face, Mando explains "You missed the last check-in. I was getting worried."
This makes your eyes open completely. "Oh my God, Mando! I'm so sorry, we were in here, and he was feeling better, and we both fell asle-"
Mando cuts off your babbling. "It's fine, I was already on my way back, I was just worried-" glancing at his son sleeping soundly in your arms "about the both of you."
You can feel the heat start to rise in your cheeks, hoping it can be explained away with the heat still captured in the tiny room, you look away.
"He's doing a lot better," You say, still not looking up at Mando.
"That's good."
Mando reaches down and caresses his son’s small cheek. Small cooing noises come out of his tiny lips, and he further snuggles into your chest. This makes you look up to Mando with a smile. He’s already looking back at you.
Mando breaks the stare "Here, let me take him, you..." gesturing to your body, which you realize is more uncovered than your employer had ever seen from you before. Instinctively you pull the child and your knees closer to your chest, unsure what you’re specifically trying to hide. "You... um... go to bed, you haven't slept since he got sick, and you’re exhausted from taking care ---"
Of the kid, you thought.
"Of the both of us."
Oh.
You try and put up a bit of a fight. "No, I'm feeling better; I swear, you just got back from a hunt anyways."
"No, get some sleep. Let me take care of both of you... please"
That please melts your heart, he could have asked for anything and ended it with that please, and you would have given it to him, happily. Looking at the child once more, softly stroking one of his enormous ears, you hand him over to his dad. Even asleep, the little one knows what his father’s armour feels like and cuddles in closer. Mando stands up and reaches his free arm down to help you up; you take it happily.
As you stand in front of Mando, a yawn builds inside your chest, you try to cover it, but Mando cocks his head to the side, giving you a knowing look. You admit defeat with your hands and head over to the pile of blankets on the floor you call your bed. You pull a ratty old shirt that Mando had given you.
"I don't wear it anymore; you can have it."
Even though you washed it many times before, it still had his lingering smell; you tended to wear it to bed; it made you feel... safe. Before you finish reorganizing your nest of blankets, Mando speaks up.
"Take my bed. You deserve a better sleep than one on the floor."
Before you can protest, Mando cuts you off again.
"I won't be sleeping any time soon. He needs to eat and... I miss him"
Mando's occasional domesticity made you warm and slightly lightheaded. You’re not going to argue with a father about his kid, and he's right; you are exhausted. So without any further argument, you walk over, kiss the kid on the head, wish Mando goodnight and crawl into his bed.
Unsure with how much exact time had passed, but you know it had to have been many hours. Your body is heavy as you wake up, you could feel the lines of the pillowcase indented in your skin. You rub your face, hoping to get some circulation back. As you slowly crawl out of Mando's bed, you hear, singing? It is very soft and as you look around you find it’s coming from the fresher.
Nuhoy Verd'ika
Te me'suum'ika laam
Te Ka'ra dral
ca'nara gar vercopa
Hearing Mando’s deep voice sing this soft lullaby makes your heart soar. You tip-toe to the fresher door and open it just a smidge. Steam starts to escape; the kid must have started getting stuffy again. You see Mando curled over and rocking what you assume to be the kid, in pants but no shirt. Your eyes wander over his broad shoulders and back. He has many scars and some bruises. You imagine his body is littered with them... just begging to be kissed, but as your eyes wander up, you see hair. Beautiful brown messy locks but hair, Mando has his helmet off.
Nuhoy Verd'ika
Gar liser geroya nakar'tuur
akaanir nakar'tuur
parjir nakar'tuur
You panic and close the door. With your back pressed against the wall, your brain tries to comprehend what you saw. Mando couldn't have seen you, but if he did, you'd swear you hadn't seen anything. Well, you hadn't seen his face, so that wouldn't be a lie ...right? You would never want to be the reason Mando broke his creed. Sure, you always kind of wondered what your employer looked like, but his creed was much more important than your curiosity.
Nuhoy Verd'ika
gar aliit kar'taylir darasuum gar
Meh val chaaj'yc be'chaaj
kar'taylir darasuum kar'tayl nayc chaaj
Nuhoy Verd'ika
parjai shi olaror Verd'ika meg Nuhoy
As you hear a long pause, you think the song must be done, you realize you can't be found right outside the fresher, so you quietly bound over to your bed and start folding blankets, trying to look busy. Seconds later, Mando comes out still shirtless but with his helmet on. Thank Maker. Steam billowed out behind him like he was in one of your trashy holo-novels.
"Oh, you're up. How’d you sleep?"
"Good... really good."
Trying not to look at his chest, which you definitely fail at, and like you, he realizes how bare he is and instinctively pulls the child closer.
"Um, can you take him so I, um, can get dressed?"
"Yes! Absolutely!" Reaching your arms out. You do a little dance with Mando as he hands you the kid and tries to get past you to get his clothes, but you both are obviously flustered. Finally, Mando gets past you; you keep your back to him to give him some sort of privacy.
"He's feeling a lot better."
"Oh, thank Maker," you say as you rock the finally peaceful child.
"The steam. It really helped."
"Good, my mother used to do it with me when I was little, and we were running out of options," you say with a chuckle.
More quietly than before, "I don’t know what I'd do without you."
Your heart and stomach flutter, but with it sounding like it escaped Mando's internal monologue, you decide not to react.
-----
Days later, the kid got better like you knew he would, but man, you are happy for Mandos sake. What you weren't expecting was for poor indestructible Mando to catch it from the kid.
"Why aren't you sick?"
"I guess I'm just stronger," giving him a quick wink.
Over the course of a week, just like with the kid, you had to nurse Mando back to health. A week of forcing him to drink broth and tea and take his medicine, but just like with the kid, nothing seemed to help other than steam.
The first night Mando tried to do it alone, but he ended up passing out. So the next night you both got dressed in your lightest clothes, Mando, with his helmet still on he would lean against you, and you would shut off the lights. Anticipating the whooshing noise from Mandos helmet as he takes it off. The next five days, you both would spend a couple of hours sitting in the hot steam as he leaned against you and slept.
Your relationship began to slowly change. There were nights where you would sit in the cockpit and watch the stars go by telling stories. Sure you did most of the talking, but you could always tell Mando was listening, even with his helmet.
As you got more familiar it felt like Mando was always touching you. His hands, his body, constantly brushing up against you. When he reached for something, to get past you, just having a hand on you when you were in public. It felt like every chance he got he needed to be touching you. Slowly you started to get addicted to his small touches. You had no complaints you relished in the feeling of his gloves gliding across your body. Closing your eyes and enjoying the soft leather pads of his fingers or the cold beskar that covered his body.
Things dramatically changed between you two when Cobb offered you a job at the school.
“Come on Mando, don’t you think she’d make a great teacher for the little ones?”
“That’s not what I’m saying-”
“So, are you not giving her a recommendation?” Cobb elbows Mando teasingly.
“No, I-”
“Well, I haven’t said yes, but thank you for the offer Cobb, I’ll tell you my decision tomorrow.”
On your way back to the crest, Mando was quiet. Mando was always quiet, but this silence felt heavy. When you finally enter the Crest you've had enough.
“What’s wrong, Mando” catching his arm, making him turn around. His head was pointed at the ground.
“Are you going to leave?”
“What?”
“Are you going to leave? Leave the kid. Leave me.”
“Well, I-”
“Please don’t go.”
You place your hand on the side of his helmet. “I wasn’t going to leave. I care about the kid, you, too much. You guys… you guys are my family.”
There’s a long pause as your foreheads touch.
“Do you trust me?”
You only respond with a nod.
“Close your eyes...please.”
That please. You’d do anything for that please. You squeeze your eyes tightly shut.
You hear the recognizable whooshing of Mando taking off his helmet. It hits and rattles against the floor of the Crest.
You feel his soft breath before anything, his facial hair tickles your top lip, and his chapped lips press against your own. He starts to pull away, but you wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. It's an innocent kiss but as if Mando can feel the fire in your belly begin to grow he licks your bottom lip begging for entrance. Your mouths and tongues explore each other, but you both eventually pull away breathless.
“Wow, Mando, that was… wow.”
“Din”
“What?”
“My names Din”
-----
Now weeks after that Din and you had fallen into a pattern of domesticity. Intentional touches as you passed each other, sleeping together in his bed, even showering together in the dark. You couldn't be happier.
You were currently sitting on the ramp of the Crest watching the kid chase a butterfly around. Every time the kid got close, you’d clap and encourage him (but you also hoped it would scare the butterfly). Secretly you cheered on the butterfly, knowing the kid probably wanted to eat it.
“Hello, Cyare” Din says as he sits behind you and wraps his arms around your torso.
“Hello Mando,” Remembering only to say his name in private.
He rests his chin on your shoulder. Both of you sitting in the comfortable silence watching the little one run around. Your thoughts begin to wander.
“You called me that when the kid was sick; what does it mean?”
“Beloved”
“Beloved?”
“Yes, beloved.”
“But you said that before we were…”
“Together? Yes. You and that little one-” pointing his gloved hand at the kid who doesn't seem to be getting tired of this butterfly. “-Are my aliit. My Family. I will always protect you. This is the way.”
Leaning back you cuddle into his shoulder, and his arms softly tighten around you. You look at the kid and feel Dins heartbeat against you, and you know you're safe. “This is the way.”
-----
Translation For The Song.
Sleep little warrior
The moon is up
The stars are bright
It's time for you to dream
Sleep little warrior
You can play tomorrow
Fight tomorrow
Win tomorrow
Sleep, little warrior
Your family loves you
Even if they’re far away
Because love knows no distance
So sleep, little warrior
Because victory only comes to little warrior who sleep
#the mandolorian#the mandolorian x reader#din djarin#din djarin x reader#din djarin x you#grogu#mandalorian and grogu#alix original post
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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.
(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)
I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)
Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.
Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!
I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.
On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!
They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.
I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.
Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.
I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.
Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.
After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.
Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.
I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.
Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.
The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.
I'm SO excited to get started!!
I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!
Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.
Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.
Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.
Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!
I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.
We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.
I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.
Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.
It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."
sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/
(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)
I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.
I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!
Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.
I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.
The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.
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So yesterday I tried to make a post explaining the back story of what caused Sunday's mental breakdown to happen and I tried to save it to drafts after spending 30 minutes on it while walking Miss Phyre outside but Tumblr decided to cock out and didn't actually save it which led to another mini meltdown afterwards so I'm just going to skip the background. It hurts to mich to relive it a g a i n. So thanks Tumblr.
Sunday I went to Sam's house after donating plasma cause dad was working on the electrical and I figured I'd just spend time there instead of being home. Instead, I ended up having a breakdown on Sam's back porch. I started crying inside while in the fetal position on the floor and figured that I should go outside so nobody heard me. I violently sobbed for at least ten minutes and dug my nails into my arm because I wanted to punish myself. I also went outside because I wanted to destroy Sam's living room and I can't do that but I can destroy myself and my things. I kept wanting to smash my head into something and eventually I did on the banister twice and screamed both times when I did it. After some time like five minutes of so Nemo came out and tried talking to me and I blew up on them and basically blamed them even though it wasn't their fault. They were crying and begging me to get help dad came out too crying because he heard me say that somebody was tearing me down and making feel like shit about myself but he didn't hear who and at the time it didn't make me feel anything but looking back fucking hurts. Sam came out too after Nemo went inside I think to talk to dad about what was happening and she brought Nala Tyler's cat and asked if I wanted cookies or soda to feel better. I just remember ignoring her and being so annoyed with her in the moment.
Eventually I got to the point where I couldn't physically talk and typed a message to Nemo:
I want to me normal I WA. T to be fixed and go just can't cause miss Phyre needs attention and the dress fitting and I don't want to worry mom and tge family but fucking here I dpimg just that all the God dam. Duckknf time vsvauar I can't fucking control my stupid fucking brain
They asked if I wanted to go to the lds hospital crisis center or if I wanted to wait til tomorrow:
I have to go today cause if I don't there be an excuse tomorrow like I feel better it always happens
So they drove me home so I could get some clothes and stuff to bring to be admitted into inpatient. The whole time I was getting stuff I cried and kissed miss Phyre and told her over and over how much I love her and that I'll be back I'm not abandoning her.
So we get up to the access center thing and because of covid Nemo has to leave but I get taken back pretty fast for the physical part and asking the standard health questions. They also take my stuff including my phone and the pieces of paper that I wrote down all my problems on and a brief breakdown of my childhood traumas. I sit in a pretty okay chair for what feels like an hour. I cry a bit but nothing too noticeable when I finally got back to see the crisis counselor she basically said I'm very knowledgeable about my mental illnesses and told me that she'd let their therapy coordinator know to give me a call on Tuesday and also gave me her business card so I could call too and said as long as I'm not a danger to myself I can go home. In that moment I wasn't in danger of hurting myself more and I did want to go home instead of being admitted so I could take care of Miss Phyre but this was the second time a crisis counselor told me I wasn't in enough danger to be admitted like? Excuse me? Sorry my fucking emotions turn on a fucking dime but I absolutely need professional fucking help please?
She led me back to my chair to wait for the psychiatrist or whatever and that time I didn't have to wait as long. I got a turkey sandwich box thingy that came with a fruit cup chips and a string cheese as well as mustard and mayo in packets to put on it and tomatoes and Lettuce on the side so you can add them if you want them. I only had time to eat the fruit cup and started spreading the mayo on my sandwich before the psychiatrist came to me and we talked and he said the same thing as the counselor thag I'm very insightful about my failings and then put me on welbutrin instead of Lexapro and said I'm good to go home. I went back to the chair finished making the sandwich and then ate it while filling out their crisis sheet thingy that's like when I'm in a bad place who can I go to type shit. I still had to wait to actually be discharged so J ate the string cheese too. I finally left and had to wait another thirtyish minutes for Nemo to come pick me up.
What the scratches looked like right after being discharged. We went back to Sam's house because dad was still doing the electrical and we stayed there for another hour or two before going home. Don't remember much after the discharge honestly.
Monday was labor day and we went shopping I got my pills and stuff from Smiths. Then we went back home to wait for mom and Karleigh to get up so we could go to Joanne's tk make a playyard thing for aidrian and the dollar store for other stuff I don't remember. Then we went to the grocery store to get pita bread for dinner and something else I forgot but we ended up shopping and spent like 200 dollars. We also went to Lowes to get more pvc pipe for the playyard because dad apparently didn't get enough the first time. We ate dinner with Dave which was tikki masala and it was pretty dang good. Also before we got my pills I walked Miss Phyre for a while outside and she loved it. I decided to give her a bath afterwards since she doesn't wash herself and she was oaky the entire time she didn't meow or hiss or anything. She tried to climb out of the tub but not like in an aggressive manner like she didn't want anything to do with the water. She was such a good girl.
When Dave left we started working in the playyard. We wrapped some pink tulle on the sides and tied it to the pvc with some thin yarn. It took us hours to do and it was just mom Karleigh and me because dad went to bed. It was grueling work because my body was already exhausted from shopping all day and I had to hold my arms above my head for extended periods of time. My heels were in excruciating pain but we finally finished half of the playyard at about 1230 only to find out the other tulle we bought was the wrong stuff. It was too small to have it folded over to keep the sides secure and wasn't long enough to reach both ends of the other tulle so we had to give up for the night which actually pissed me off more than finishing it would have probably. I ended up only going to sleep at 5 am and waking up at about 9 on Tuesday but it was a nice cool day so I took Miss Phyre out for another walk and while we walked I typed up the previous Tumblr post. When I was ready to go inside and take a break from reliving the shit that happened I saved it to drafts so I could finish it later and brought Miss Phyre inside. Then I realized that it didn't actually save it and I had another breakdown but not nearly as intense as Sunday. It didn't help that the therapy coordinator never actually called me. I got a call from a bit for Intermountain that asked a bunch of questions like do I understand my discharge orders am I feeling safe did I get medication and do I understand how to take the medication and I had to hit 1 for yes 2 for no and 3 for unsure and one of the questions was like am I still feeling like I'm in a crisis or something and I had to hit 1 three times because it just wouldn't register it and that pissed me off and made me mad that it was automated and they didn't even bother to have areal human call and talk to me. After every question I answered basically they said were sorry to hear that well have a nurse follow up with you later today. I ignored both calls from the nurse because I just didn't have the energy to deal with it after the Tumblr thing. Like I wasted so much energy just typing it out and what little I had left just instantly sapped after I realized it was gone. The second voicemail the nurse left mentioned that it would be the last time trying to get into contact with me but also that our insurance has mental health advocates so thats something I need to look into.
Eventually Cavell told my dad that I needed to be watched I guess and since dad was still at work and mom had just left to take aidrian back home mandi came downstairs and spent time with me. Cavell told my sad that I needed to eat so he texted mandi to make sure I ate something and we went upstairs and made pizza and waited for dad to come home. After that we had to wait for mom and Karleigh to get back so we could go back to Joanne's to get the right tulle and while we were there I bought some double pointed needles so I could make some wrist warmers to hide the scratches. I also wrapped them up which just made it seem way more serious than it was since they were too close for bandaids to work right I had to use gauze and ace wrap.
We thankfully didn't finish the playyard yesterday we're supposed to some time today but hopefully I'll be asleep before then.
I also left the access center a review since they only had two. One one star review that was basically my experience and one five star with no description from an account that only gives 5 star reviews and seems like a bot.
Nemo wanted me to call the center for evidence based treatment last night because Google said they closed at 7 but when I called they closed at 5 so I called today instrad and nobody answered so I filled out their online form and I just got the response email from them so I'm going to hopefully get better soon I guess.
Love you always.
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