Episode 39 of Find Us Alive just curbstomped me. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nahhh. No. This podcast is TOO good. I'm legitimately dumbstruck by how fucking good every aspect of this shit is.

I MUST start off by saying that Raddagher's scream will haunt me for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's just my love for this podcast or the talent of the creators but I tend to get very immersed in it and I could legitimately feel the desperation and despair and agony and fear and everything that everyone was feeling this episode. In particular I have not been able to get the image of Raddagher closing herself off and silently losing her mind over Love ever since the beginning of the aneurysm storyline. Whatever Harley talked about how she was acting and how difficult it was to communicate, I kept thinking the main reason that she doesn't say anything is because if she opens her mouth she's going to scream. And she fucking did. That was the scream of a grieving woman. It wasn't even fear or anything, it was a sound from a woman who's physically been cut open and had something ripped out of their body and I really feel like Ingrid thinks she's lost her already. Maybe I'm stupid and naive but I just refuse to believe that she's gone and I will not give up on the hope of her waking up because I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't.

And Lancaster? Every time I think about Orion I just get so sad! Not only thinking about what he's going through but thinking about how him being contained is affecting everyone else. From the fact that Harley lost his best friend to the fact that Beatrix tried to do everything she could to prevent them experimenting on him even if that meant he would have to say locked up for longer to the way Ingrid cried over him keeping secrets even before they knew he was a dash three.....

He misses his friends and he wants to make things right but they won't even give him a chance to see them!!! And now this whole thing with Love.... not only does he not know what's going on and he hasn't even gotten a chance to see her, but he doesn't even have anybody to support him in his worry over her. Even though Harley, klein, and Raddagher barely spoke to each other, the fact of the matter is they still had the option to do so but they were just avoiding each other. Lancaster never had a choice but to stay by himself. And all he wants is so desperately to see his friend because it might just be the last time!+ Even though she can't talk to him even though she's not even conscious he just wants to see his friend he's just so tired of it all and I want to cry because he really doesn't deserve this idc if he tried to kill Harley that was a different guy!!!!!!! It was an accident that wasn't him!!!!!

And Kline my beautiful wife, trying so hard to keep it all together... as bad as it is I kind of understand why she was so reluctant to see Love because who wants to see their best friend like that? like let's be real. Her apprehension was totally understandable but at the same time I wish we had gotten to see all of them in one room just for this. Still, I kind of like the fact that they didn't have that big group get together and the whole gang wasn't in one place because it's kind of more realistic that way... not to mention it's really consistent with Kline's characterization cuz she's a very avoidant type of person.

In conclusion @raddagher You Are Literally Killing Me.