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internetreadingpanda · 17 days

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April 11, 2024

dear moon, my drinking buddy,

Isn't it weird how I start writing about all the best things of my life when they come to an end? And I never thought I would start writing to you again but here I am, after two years, ranting about life (yes there is this girl and she is magical).

So for two years, I've been living a strange yet wonderful life. I met so many new people, cried for a few, laughed a lot, went on dates, and worked my ass off at a debt collection company, but the point here is that in two years I met the most amazing human beings along with the unbearable pain and those people helped me get through it. Nothing I can say will ever be able to appropriately appreciate them.

The problem I have right now is not really a problem, it's just a girl. On 8th March it was Mahashivratri, and like a random Friday, I woke up sad. It was Moksha Day 02 and we were supposed to attend this fest in NSUT; when I say WE, I mean Me, Nikhil, and Aakash. However, in the morning Nikhil called and informed me that he is not coming and I'll have to go with Aakash because he is participating in some speed dating thingy and he needs moral support. I got frustrated and did not wanna go because you know it is Aakash, he's annoying at times but I knew this is the only fest I'll be going to because I have this shit job to focus on so I decided to let it be, it is just about a day. I reached Nikhil's place and I told him how he was such a bastard for not coming along.

Do you remember how I said this girl is magical, now here comes the magic (you won't get it but it'll make sense later) when we are in the metro and Aakash shows me the Instagram account of this girl named (let's call her) Omen and he asked me if I would like to talk to her and I was like we'll see.

We reached the college, friendless, feeling left out but still there was a sense of excitement, a feeling that something good will happen, I won't be me today, I'll change. We went for the speed dating thingy and it went down into flames for him. My man doesn't know how to speak to a woman. Moving forward, he told me he wants to ask a girl out and I was like just go and speak to someone but he was just too scared. Near the food stall, I saw a girl and I was like I wanna talk to her. She was so pretty with her crop top and tangled hair. So we waited there, for the right moment. The moment never came but magic happened and Omen arrived, that too, out of nowhere. Can you believe it????? What sort of a coincidence is this????? She just ran into us and she took us with her. I was experiencing this kind of human interactions for the first time where these college kids are making friends this easily and I was so intrigued by it. So we went along with her to find the rest of her friends. It was a hassle to look for other people in that crowd and desperate Aakash could not resist but ask if there are any girls in her group and Omen was like yeah but she has a boyfriend. The moment Omen finished the sentence, her girlies arrived and I looked at her for the first time and all I saw was poetry. The faded color of her hair, wrists filled with bracelets as if they conceal a secret, her fingers had all the classy rings as if she is planning some sorcery which is somehow correct because Omen introduced us and she said she's pursuing BA and Black magic from DU. I was like WHAAAAATTT???? Let's name her Ameera because the meaning of her name is Indian Princess and that's what exactly she is, a princess. She said that and a friend of her interrupted between us ( I hate guy friends).

Aakash and I looked at each other and we both had the same thought: SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. By the number of guy friend she has, it was impossible to find who is the main guy so we were judging her every interaction and based on the pattern of physical touch we would predict who is the guy and FINALLY a guy won. His name was Jacob and he was just THERE like all the time.

Anyway, I realized there is nothing that can happen between us but I was really fascinated with the Black magic that she told me about so I was curious to know more, that's why I stayed (I swear I stayed for the black magic only). We were in the campus, clicking pictures, and they were laughing on weird jokes which I found really weird that's why I maintained some distance from them because obviously my humor would make them cry. I found a batman mask and I wore it, suddenly everyone started looking at me. Stupid things I do to gain attention, but I liked it, they were curious to know what's behind the mask. Even Ameera clicked pictures of me with that mask on and even if I take the batman mask off there's still gonna be a mask because I lied to them, I lied how I am in NSUT, I lied about my schools, my friends and everything. I told them what they wanted to hear and the plan was just to enjoy the fest with them and never show them my face again but I don't know what kind of a magic she has done on me that I am craving her every second and it sucks it sucks so bad that I feel ridiculous to be alive for someone's attention.

By the evening, I couldn't bear there jokes so we slowly took the exit from that group of friends without even thinking about Ameera. The concert started and the artist came on the stage, everyone is hooting and I and Aakash are running towards the spot for the best view and that moron took us at the back. The weather was just like my skin, cold and dusky, someone would wanna eat it. I was thinking how, this music fest will end and I'll return to my boring life, where I have to work in the night shifts and play cricket in the day with two week-offs which I spend with some household chores.

So I made a decision, I will enjoy. I will go deep in the crowd for the best view, I will kiss random strangers and I will dance with my friends. With that decision I ran into the crowd and found a perfect spot to vibe. I lifted Aakash on my shoulders and enjoyed the most. But still there was a sense of emptiness, I don't know why, it was just there and then again the magic happened. Naman (Ameera's bestfriend) bumped into us and took us with them. I clearly refused because they all are really weird. He didn't even acknowledge my refusal and took us both. Then there was the whole group of friends, the lover, the best friend, the jealous angry bird, the rival in love and what not. Then there was she, I won't be exaggerating f I say I am writing this with tears in my eyes because I knew this will happen, that evening was so precious that it haunts my soul to realize there will never be a moment like that. And even if there will be a moment like that, she won't be there. What is it if not a curse? To have her seen roaming under the same sky with people who are not me.

Aakash lifted me on his shoulders and Ameera made a video of that where she called out my name and I was like HEYYY!! I went up to her and asked could you please send me this video and she said sure and took my number. I was so happy because I got one picture clicked, just one and in that moment I realized why friends are important and especially good friends because your lovers don't come to click your pictures while you are being a complete weird-ass in a music festival.

Then Omen suggested we should go deep in the crowd (from where we came) so we all sort of got in a trail and followed it till we were in the middle. All that time she was really close to Jacob, and I accidently touched her shoulder and I apologized, to which she said why on earth would you be sorry for that?? its okay?? The weird part here is, I usually don't do this; it's just with her. They all vibed with the artists, there pretty enlightened face and weird pictures got clicked. I was still maintaining a distance because I knew I don't belong to them. Then again the magic happened, Ameera came up to me and asked "why are you so depressed?"

I nodded my head and tried to speak but she looks so pretty that I did not know if I should waste a second telling her about my feelings or just use it wisely to admire her because I am never gonna see her again. So I remained silent and smiled. She took my hand and danced with me, in front of her friends (those lovers, rivals, besties, jealous birds) and they all hyped us up. Perhaps they were right when they said a woman makes a man attractive because nobody noticed me until she was there twirling me with the sweet melody, where my world actually spinned.

Later, Jacob also came in to dance with her, all of a sudden and he gave me the phone to click a picture of them and the way he did that was not very "could-you-please-click-a-picture-of-us-?" of him so I handed over the phone to Aakash just to show that I am not gonna do that because I am not like you people I cannot stay around her knowing she is not mine and still keep a hope that one day something bad will happen to her and she'll realize my worth?? Nah.... We don't do that here. I will bleed till death for her, in secret, but I will never ask her to come back.

Damn- I made it sound a little too cringe.

After that, Aakash asked Ameera if Jacob is her boyfriend and she laughed it off saying I don't have any boyfriend. Now I got the green signal to make any move. Aakash might not know how to speak to the love of his life but he clearly knows all the bro codes.

I always wanted to lift a girl on my shoulders during a concert (it was on my fuck-et list) and I gathered all my courage to ask her this and she said yes. In a few moments she was on my shoulders, my head between her thighs and I could feel how I do not wanna put her down. I did not know it was last two songs of the night and the concert came to an end. The crowd started leaving and she was still up there and I was like what now? can I take you home like this ? please?

Now there was no music, just a few friends, her and I. The energy she gives in unmatchable. You cannot cage her, you cannot ask her to be yours, you'll have to be hers. She who moves like a river, how can you even think about controlling her? You gotta surrender in front of her and use her flow to move along. I mean, she was literally running here and there and I did not feel like catching her. I enjoy looking at her too much that I don't even need her to love her. She asked me if we wanna hangout with her for a while and I wanted to say no because I knew it'll harm me (which it did) but I just said yes because the warmth and the flirtatious energy her words carry are magical.

We went to a cafe, followed by her few friends (inc. Jacob). She sat by my side and I could feel all the eyes were on us and I loved how Aakash was completely a part of her group now and they can't really talk bad about me because my man is there to defend plus he got me so much useful information (we love male friendships). She showed me pictures we clicked today, she told me how she has friend zoned almost everyone on this planet. Which I somehow knew because you can look at her and see she's being admired and boys are gonna love her and she is not someone who would commit so yeah I was so fucked.

I enjoyed talking to her so much that I lost track of time. It got late and I decided to take the pink metro line because Ameera has the same and I thought I would talk to her and it'll be just us but but but no, a friend decided to join us. The worst partis, I can't even show my frustration. However, luckily, he vanished mid-way somewhere and I got happy again but then, unfortunately, her another friends group bumped into us????? WHAT IS THIS HAPPENING?? CAN"T A GUY SIMPLY TALK TO THIS ONE GIRL HE LIKES??

She met all of them and when I say ALL I mean eight to ten human beings. During the interaction her station arrived and that's when I, out of nowhere, expressed how a little confused I am for my station since I don't travel via pink line and she said fine I'll come with you. In that moment, I got embarrassed because her friend knew that I am playing and maybe he also knew that she's playing along too because nobody gets confused for two metro stations???!! So he gave her a look, that's all I know and we reached my metro station. She clicked a picture of us on the reflection over the metro' gate. She asked me if I am coming tomorrow and I said I will because you want me to but tomorrow might not be that fun since we've already reached the peak of all the things I wanted to do. She refused and told me how there's so much left to explore. I did not believe her, at all. But now that I look back and think I see how she was so right, she has always been so right.

Love&Lights

Yushie♡

#daily blog #nostalgia #booklr #flowers #daily writing update #fiction #nikon #photographers on tumblr #medium format #blog post #my poetry #poetic #poetry

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i-am-sludgie · 7 months

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DMT Trip Report #1

The Blessing Force

When people ask me why I moved to Oregon, I usually give a watered-down explanation. This is probably a form of masking, but the truth is pretty weird. So I usually just talk about how much I love the PNW, and how I had an opportunity to move in with my closest friend so we could have fun together and support each other. And that's all true.

But the REAL reason is because I felt like the universe was pulling me here, through unmistakable signs and personally meaningful coincidences. For the most part, everything has lined up perfectly. I experienced so many synchronicities leading up to the move that I can't even remember them all.

Since then, things have worked out better than I could have ever hoped for. I feel truly blessed. I'm still working on going with the flow and viewing the world through a lens of gratitude, but this has all been part of what I consider to be a spiritual awakening. I couldn't have done it without trusting my intuition and taking that leap of faith. It's clear to me that the universe has my back and that things are happening exactly as they're meant to.

And now that I've smoked DMT and had a breakthrough experience, I can put a name and a face to that universal force. It was Mother Aya calling me all along. It was always her.

Background

I've been researching and thinking about DMT and Ayahuasca for 10+ years. I remember my friend telling me about DMT: The Spirit Molecule by Rick Strassman years before. I discovered Terence McKenna on YouTube and listened to every single recording I could find. I started watching clips of Joe Rogan's podcast where he discussed his experiences with guests like Duncan Trussell. I read trip reports on reddit and watched hours of videos on YouTube. I talked to friends and family about it -- even as they stared back at me in disbelief that I would want to try such a strange, intense, psychedelic drug.

I knew I was destined to try it. And finally it happened. A friend was able to get a gram of N,N-DMT freebase powder. We had the perfect setting lined up. I would not be going on this adventure alone, but rather with a tight-knit group of the most amazing, kind, caring, and supportive friends I could ever ask for. I couldn't believe it was finally happening.

Prework

Before we began, I grabbed a pen and paper and jotted down some thoughts. This included:

5 things I'm grateful for

My intentions

Questions I might ask any entities I encounter

A list of "Show me" requests

I didn't know if I would actually have the chance to communicate with any entities, but I wanted to plan for the possibility.

Technique

I bought the Yocan Evolve Plus wax atomizer and a milligram scale to measure dosage. I looked up instructions on reddit and did my best to follow them.

We used the default quartz coil that came with the vaporizer, by placing the powder directly on the coil. Many trip reports warn that the coil can get too hot and burn the powder. This was never an issue for us. That allowed us to hold the button down and go full gas.

The only issue this caused was that some of the powder was getting sucked up into the mouthpiece. Maybe from sucking too hard (that's what she said). I think ideally we should have been holding the button for a few seconds before inhaling to give the powder time to melt. But the device worked as advertised -- one-hit breakthroughs on 50mg.

Dipping Our Toes In

We each tried small doses between 10-20mg to start with. I did 15mg. I cleared my lungs and inhaled the vapor in one long, full breath. I sat back in the couch and felt waves of energy emanating through and around me. I saw the very faintest hint of visuals with my eyes closed -- thin white lines of geometric patterns that only lasted a few moments and then faded without intensifying. I think I told my friends right afterwards that I didn't see anything, but that wasn't quite true.

I felt a full-body high similar to the peak of a marijuana edible. I wouldn't say it felt good or bad; just kind of neutral. When I opened my eyes, I was mesmerized by the warm glow of a nearby candle. All of this lasted only a few minutes.

I also experienced one unexpected side effect. On the left side of my face, my eye and cheek twitched uncontrollably throughout the whole thing. This faded with the high, but it still made me nervous about how my body would physically respond. I was able to sit with the feeling without overthinking it. It passed and I felt calm and relaxed.

Blasting Off

After waiting a while for my next turn, I was ready to crank up to 50mg and try to break through. Let's be clear. This is a powerful substance. The effects are fucking insane, and nothing will ever prepare you for the first time. But I was as ready as I would ever be.

I made myself comfortable in my friend's bed. I thanked my spirit guides for bringing me to this moment and I reminded myself that it's just a ride.

I took a deep breath in and out, completely clearing my lungs. I pressed play on the song I had queued up, laid back in the bed, and hit the vaporizer, holding the button down and inhaling for as long as I possibly could. I wanted to blast off in one big power hit. And boy did I. There was a visible cloud of vapor as I exhaled.

I had no time to wonder if I did it right. The ceiling light started to move and fractalize. Then everything started to shake and it felt like an airplane taking off. I closed my eyes and the craziest shit I've ever seen filled my vision.

I don't remember any kind of tunnel. It wasn't really like traveling from point A to point B through spacetime as people often report. Everything was just there instantly.

Hyperspace

I was suddenly in a place made of constantly moving white ribbons bejeweled with multi-colored, rounded-off squares and ovals. There were flashing lights and colors. It looked like the center of a Magic Eye -- those 3D images from the 90s -- with staggering layers of complexity. It's hard to remember any other specifics of what I was seeing because I had no frame of reference. I think this is what people mean when they say it's like a dream that quickly fades because, as you can see with the rest of the story, I remember everything else. I got the impression this was some kind of machine and I didn't see anything I would consider to be an entity -- but what does that even mean in this realm? It could've been alive with some kind of consciousness for all I know. I remember thinking "Is anyone there?" and I didn't get any sense of an answer.

Meanwhile, I felt like I was being zapped with electricity, and I melted into the bed.

The song I picked was Let's Go by Stuck In The Sound. I thought it would match the weirdness and intensity of blasting off into hyperspace. And it did.

youtube

The music was getting warped as the song played. Some of the lyrics would be clear as day, normal sounding, and then crescendo into high-pitched, shrill, metallic, electric noises. Sometimes the lyrics sounded like gibberish, as if it was being played backwards.

I was melted in awe. McKenna calls this death by astonishment. What I saw was so FUCKING insane that I couldn't do anything besides lay there stunned with my mouth wide open. And I mean wide open. At this point I thought I was holding the button down on the vaporizer or somehow still inhaling (I wasn't), and I managed to realize that and put it down beside me.

Many people report feeling like they leave their body when smoking DMT. Maybe those people are smoking 5-MeO instead. I didn't leave mine. I've had a bona fide out-of-body experience (OBE) and it was nothing like this. While I was certainly incapacitated overall, I could still form coherent thoughts and action them by moving my body. I could put the vape down. I could tell my mouth was open and close it.

And I could scream. At some point I screamed "Ahhhh" -- it was honestly meant as a joke for my friends waiting in the other room. I knew they were there on the other side of the wall and could hear me if I yelled loud enough. My voice sounded like a melodica. It was a long scream. I realized I felt as if I was stuck screaming and was able to stop. Afterwards I asked them all how long I was screaming for.

This also can't be classified as an ego death because I still had thoughts and I was still able to rationalize that I was a person, lying in a bed, in my friend's room, in my friend's house, on planet Earth. At this point I decided to open my eyes and confirm that.

Everything in the room was writhing and moving. I don't remember any other details about these visuals but it was fucking nuts. I closed my eyes again and was immediately back in hyperspace. I thought "Holy shit. What if I get stuck like this?" That was followed with an immediate feeling that I didn't care if I did. Maybe I belonged here. These thoughts felt faster than normal somehow.

And this was when I gave in. I stopped tensing up and relaxed. As soon as I did, what I felt was total, unconditional love, pure joy, and full-body euphoria. I began riding waves of pure energy.

All of this lasted for the length of the song, which is less than 4 minutes.

Meeting the Goddess of the Vine

When the song changed, so did my experience. I don't even remember what song it was specifically because I had my phone on shuffle within a short playlist. But hyperspace faded away. At this point of transition, I reached up and took my glasses off and put them on the bed next to me.

I still had my eyes closed. But now a face appeared against a black void. It was a woman. Her eyes were piercing, smokey, and mystique. I instantly knew this was Mother Ayahuasca, the goddess of the vine. I've seen similar artistic interpretations of many Ayahuasca experiences.

I don't know if she's THE god, or if there even is such a thing, but she's certainly a divine, all-powerful, cosmic entity. I saw her, and she saw me. We met face to face. And what I felt was pure love. Kindness, compassion, empathy. Continual waves of euphoria poured over me as we gazed at one another. I started writhing around on the bed, side to side, in pure bliss. I was told I used up the whole bed.

Vines grew out of her head and sprawled in every direction, continually growing outward. Then the vines changed into skulls. They were in the artistic style of Day of the Dead sugar skulls in Mexican culture. Then the skulls changed into skeletons.

None of this was scary or even starling. It was just matter of fact, as if she was saying "Look what I can do." This gave me the impression that she is the goddess of life and death, and also that death is nothing to be afraid of. She was showing me the natural cycle of creation and deconstruction.

It was almost making light of death. I know that Mother Aya has the ability to be deeply serious and show people some pretty horrific, heavy things, when they need to see it. That's not what she was doing here. I found humor in the message and when I was coming down I again screamed to my friends on the other side of the room. "Death isn't real you guys!!"

Back to the 3rd Dimension

The comedown was very gradual and gentle, lasting a couple more minutes. The goddess eventually faded away. I covered my face with my hands and that seemed to momentarily resolidify some of the closed-eyed visuals. But it was fleeting. I then opened my eyes as the 3D world started to rematerialize. I didn't have my glasses on anymore so I couldn't make out a lot of the movement I was seeing. I grabbed my glasses and put them on, but they didn't fit anymore. "What the fuck?" I said. This was very confusing. It took me a minute to realize I had rolled onto them and bent them up. I checked my face to make sure it was the same shape it always is. Yup.

I checked my body to make sure it was real and solid and working. Yup.

Everything eventually calmed down and stopped moving. I was so fucking geeked that it worked and lived up to the hype. I was pretty much instantly back to my normal self -- albeit shaking with excitement or adrenaline or whatever, which lasted another 5 minutes or so. I rejoined the group and tried to relay as much of this as I could, but words were difficult. How the fuck do you make sense of any of that just minutes later?

Anyway, I was me again -- nothing up there in the old noodle besides funny videos and an unhealthy obsession with Coca Cola Classic.

Integration

It wasn't until two days later that I realized how the beginning of this story ties in. Years and years of synchronicities and signals from the universe. I've been connecting with my spirit guides a lot more lately, so this sort of thing came as no surprise to me. But the realization that it's always been Mother Aya. Holy smokes. This was the ultimate validation of so many of my life experiences -- things that I just can't explain. And we're only getting started.

I later considered the possibility that besides life and growth and abundance, the vines also represented intertwining pathways that all lead back to her.

The second big takeaway is that these things are always here. This place, this higher dimensional realm. These beings. They don't go away. Just because we can't see them or hear them doesn't mean they aren't there. We can hardly fucking see anything. 0.0035% of the electromagnetic spectrum to be exact.

We've heard this all before, but it's top of mind as I unpack what I experienced. Consciousness is like a radio. 3D Earth exists on a certain station. Change the frequency, you tune into a different station. And just like on the radio when there are different songs playing on each station, there are different entities and spaces among different frequencies of vibration. But it's all happening here and now, all at once.

And lastly, our definition of what is and isn't real is completely fucked. There's some fucky shit going on here. We have no clue what it is or what it means. But the spirit molecule -- this sacred vine -- is our gateway. It gives us a chance to explore the infinite abyss of realms beyond 3D Earth, even if it's only for a few fleeting, electrifying moments.

I will return to this realm when I feel Mother Aya calling.

#dmt #dmt vape pen #psychedelia #trippy #dmtworld #ayahuasca #Youtube

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