#thirteen would fight him in a very suicidal way. and he'd fight back in a very suicidal way. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wolves-in-the-world · 2 years

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[original security knife ficlet here, qwat au inspiration here]

Featuring injuries, angst, casual discussion of violence, and a much-needed nap.

[1.8k, also on Ao3]

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"I'm not expecting you to sleep," Quinn says, like the very idea is laughable. Like they didn't just almost kill each other on their first meeting. Like he's having the time of his life getting his ribs kicked in, losing a molar (temporarily), cosying up to Eliot Spencer (remains to be seen), and betraying the most dangerous man he's likely to ever meet (potentially very permanently).

There's something very wrong with him, Eliot's almost sure. But he's hardly in a place to throw stones.

"Just saying you can lie down and rest while I listen out for trouble," Quinn continues, easy as anything. "You've been on the road for weeks now. You've got to be exhausted."

Eliot grits his teeth as he zips the duffel shut, using the motion to get a sense for how badly he's wrenched his shoulder. It'll have to do. He doesn't exactly have the option to rest it. Doesn't exactly have the option to rest at all. "I'll pass."

"C'mon, Spencer." Eliot isn't sure if the thickening of Quinn's accent is a deliberate ploy or something more unconscious. "If you're accepting my help, you're gonna have to close your eyes in front of me sooner or later."

Eliot's already made his calls. He got one old contact talking at length about the smart-mouthed young hitter who ruined her operation, another telling him that Mister Quinn still owes them thirteen dollars and forty-seven cents after losing a bet, and a solid letter of recommendation from someone Eliot would trust with his life.

Used to, at least. He's got more to risk these days.

He's beyond exhausted. He can't deny that. He's been all sharp edges and hollow adrenaline since the fight, was running on fumes before that, had a catnap in some public toilets yesterday because he needed it, almost couldn't help it, figured it was unlikely anyone would expect it of him. He stopped after the third time he jerked awake at the sound of footsteps, dizzy and queasy from the interruptions and the smells.

He needs to rest. And this guy is worse off than Eliot is—he can count the broken ribs by the way Quinn's holding himself—and Eliot would know if Moreau had him under his thumb. A one-off job, then. It's a messy form of suicide to accept a job from Moreau then refuse to complete it, but Eliot's not going to be the one to stop him.

Letting his guard down around him, though...

"You want to take down the next guy he sends, be my guest." Eliot's voice sounds hoarse to his ears, like he's coming down with a cold. Shit, he'd better not be. "But I'm not letting you keep watch while I rest."

Quinn seems to consider that, consider him. If Quinn weren't so visibly hurt from their earlier confrontation, he'd bristle under that even more. As it is, he still feels the urge to show his teeth and make sure Quinn respects him. Respect is the only thing a hitter has.

Then Quinn lets out a sigh and reaches for the back of his waistband, and Eliot's on his feet in a second because Quinn said he'd left all his weapons in the pile in the corner but Eliot's not a fool, and he's fully ready to slam his head against the bedframe and leave the mess for someone else to find when Quinn says, as calm as before, "Here."

He's flipping the knife around, offering Eliot the hilt. His eyes are steady on Eliot's but from the tension in his posture that's a little more than residual, Eliot's guessing he felt the stress of the moment too.

He keeps his voice level. "You got any more of those hidden away?"

"It's my favourite knife," Quinn says, with a shrug that isn't an apology. "I don't part with it."

Exactly why it would be his favourite, Eliot can't be sure. People get sentimental about their weapons. Superstitious, too. Eliot had a gun he favoured, before... he left. He can't be sure Quinn's telling the truth.

Except it's not the first gesture of trust he's offered. Even calling a halt like he did, slumped back against the wall with an arm wrapped around himself and glaring at Eliot without much fire to it, and Eliot had been a fool to ease back too, to think that it might be anything but a trap, but Quinn had been asking—had been listening—and Eliot hadn't wanted to kill him. That was what this entire mess had been about.

At least, he thinks so. That decision isn't one he can examine just yet. But he's sure he has to do better. Sure he has to be better.

He accepts the knife just to get a closer look at it. There's wear on the hilt like it's been handled a lot, wear on the blade like it's been sharpened often. It's very clean. It's not new. And when he glances back up to the other man's face he sees a wariness quickly tucked away in those brown eyes, like Quinn's offered more than he wanted to.

Huh.

"You gonna keep watch without any weapons?" He twirls the knife in his hand to show that he can, catches the blade between thumb and forefinger and flips it again, the hilt a reassuring thwack against his palm.

"I'll shout if trouble finds us. Don't want you missing out on the fun." There's just a hint of playfulness to his expression now, but enough that Eliot has to check himself. Quinn looks even younger when he smiles, and he has to know that. Useful skill for someone like them to have.

"If you try anything," Eliot says, pulling the blanket from the bed and dumping it on the floor in front of their shared weapons stash, "I'm finishing the job."

"I'd expect nothing less," says Quinn, because—as Eliot is quickly figuring out—he's one cheeky bastard.

Eliot doesn't intend to sleep. He can get enough rest to recharge a bit for now, and there'll be other opportunities once he's—they've—moved to a safehouse that's less easily compromised. He settles himself down, just enough composure left to keep from vocalising the pain, though Quinn must know he broke Eliot's rib too. One last glance through cracked eyelids shows Quinn's still sitting where he was before, gingerly walking his fingers over his side to check for damage. There's a boot-shaped bruise there that's going to be black in a few hours.

Eliot closes his eyes, and the spinning in his head quickly fades to nothing.

When he wakes his body is a scream, his head throbbing, and the quality of light in the room suggests it's been at least six hours. It's far longer than he meant to rest, and he could kick himself for it. Might, when he's feeling better.

More sleep would honestly be ideal—but even if that were an option, he has to see to himself first.

It takes a moment to register a soft, irregular sound and track it to the chair he left Quinn in. He cracks his eyes open and sees the hitter tired but still aware: cheek swollen, one eye bruised, bandages peeking out from his sleeve. He's tapping a rhythm against his knee with two fingers.

Morse, Eliot realises, after another embarrassingly long moment. (Fuck, he really needed that sleep.) He dutifully matches patterns to letters, which even more slowly shape themselves into words.

Hamlet?

If he's reached the 'translating plays to stay focused' portion of his watch, he must be getting desperate.

Eliot uncurls his fingers from the knife first, realising he's held it so tight that they've gone numb. Then he shifts his weight to lever himself up, head still swimming—but more manageable than before—and the tapping stops.

"Eliot Spencer," Quinn greets, not moving from his chair.

"Quinn," he grunts out, because a promise kept needs some acknowledgement. Not enough for a 'Mister' though. He's had enough of performative superiority for a lifetime. "You gonna be fit to travel?"

"I'm a professional." He sounds genuinely offended. Eliot allows himself a little satisfaction at that. "You need a hand with your injuries?"

Letting him keep watch while he sleeps is one thing. That's another. "I've got it," he says, picking up his duffel on the way to what barely passes for a bathroom. He'll be leaving the weapons unattended, but it's a calculated risk. He's pretty sure he'll hear if Quinn goes after them. And he has to give Quinn a chance to betray him sooner or later.

He has to stop at the door, suddenly finding himself one hand short. He's still holding Quinn's knife. He flips it around, offers it back. "Here."

It's not a thank you. It's nothing as soft as that. From the way Quinn's eyebrows shift, his face softening—the uninjured parts of it, at least—it might as well have been. He doesn't comment. At least he has some self-preservation.

Eliot undresses bit by bit to see to himself in the bathroom, not wanting to be caught entirely naked if he has to spring into action. (He learned that one the hard way.) As he takes stock of his physical hurts, he grudgingly assesses his situation.

Just one month, and his whole world changed. Some of it— he can never take back. Never even try to. Some of it, his decision, his fleeing, he's committed to now. Not for Toby, who deserved a better friend after what he did for Eliot, and not for Aimee, who's living her life without him. Not even for himself. Not the time to dwell on that now.

Just one day, and his whole situation is different. Maybe it's the actual sleep getting to him. Maybe it's someone else looking out for him in a way Eliot hasn't had, not properly, since he was in the military. Maybe he's clutching at anything that can keep him afloat and what he's apparently found is this curly-haired, soft-faced killer who seemed absurdly happy to get into a fight with him, and absurdly willing to turn around and lend a hand when Eliot told him why he wasn't going back.

Maybe it's just nice to spend a little time with someone like him. Someone who knows at least a bit of what that means.

Truth be told, he's not much better off than he was yesterday. His safehouse isn't as safe as he hoped, Quinn's handiwork is on his ribs, his abdomen, his arms, his thighs. He has another person to keep an eye on until they show their true colours—or simply get bored and leave. Eliot isn't counting anything out.

Today, though. He can plan for today, and stay as cautious as he knows how to, and accept the help that's offered him.

For today, at least, Eliot has an ally.

#quinn leverage #quinn's lucky knife #qwat au #fics #leverage angst #quinn here is very much ''I'm going to get a good grade in helping eliot spencer!#something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve :)''#I THINK eliot gets less paranoid about quinn pretty quickly and quinn also becomes more of a bastard very quickly #a few more decent naps and eliot cooking for quinn and quinn eating eliot's food and things will be Very Different between them #but right now eliot is a wary animal and quinn is a friendly but careful cat determined to adopt him #very surprised I wrote this I have no solid ideas on early qwat au #but trivalentlinks' recent art made my brain go brrr and here we are <3

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everythingsinred · 3 years

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt. 4)

We are at the turning point so things are about to get super fun! Pretty much everything we've gone over until now has been exposition and set-up for this arc.

More than ever there's a trigger warning here: we'll be discussing mental illness, depression, child abuse, and a genuine suicide attempt here so it will get quite heavy and dark.

Chapter Thirteen

We are approaching a significant turning point. This arc is heavy with things to analyze and important revelations about Natsume. Pretty much all the stuff I analyzed before now was just extended exposition, to be entirely honest. We were setting things up, establishing Natsume in every way we could and it will all come to a head right here. This is the arc we've been waiting for.

The chapter opens with Natsume, and from the start we can tell that we are in for a treat. We’ve never seen his perspective like this, only little snippets like “I know I used my alice on her”, or remembering Aoi’s hair-clip. Here, we have much more to work with, and we don’t have to do as much guesswork to make conclusions!

He’s having a nightmare, which is also what he calls it, much like the one he had in the anime. He’s running in darkness and there’s too many people’s voices. Being called a murderer, being told to obey or else… and all the while he’s telling them to shut up already. It’s enough to make anybody feel crowded. He just wants relief, to get out of the darkness, for the nightmare to end.

Even when he's all alone, he's bogged down by noise and taunts.

He wonders if he'll ever get real reprieve from the constant hell he's in. All he ever does is run, his life entirely enshrouded by darkness. He wants it to stop, and later we'll see how exactly he'll attempt to do so.

The fact that the arc begins with this scene despite the fact that Natsume does not feature heavily in this chapter or the next is foreshadowing that something must change by the end of it. He's despairing and hopeless now, and these points will all be brought up later as things come to a head, so something must shift by the end of the arc.

We later find out Natsume’s in the hospital, and then inevitably he gets kidnapped by Reo. He spends about two chapters unconscious, so we’ll be moving on to two of the most important chapters for Natsume’s development.

Chapter Fifteen

Natsume wakes up in the warehouse, but the way he wakes up is very interesting. He knows he’s in a strange place, not in a hospital bed. He thinks so much like a soldier or spy here, using his senses to observe his scary new surroundings and clinically filing away information until he opens his eyes and sees his classmates gnawing at each other’s binds. It’s fascinating to see inside his head, to see the dangerous ability training in action, that he doesn’t think like his peers would, or how any ten year old should.

He's intaking information, filing it, analyzing his situation, all before his eyes even open.

He is understandably irritated by the presence of his classmates, considering he’s been kidnapped, drugged, sick, and has to deal with an alice barrier on top of all that. He gets that he’s screwed, and, with Mikan and Sumire in the mix, his chances aren’t looking too great.

If you want to make yourself sad, it’s worth noting that Natsume doesn’t think he’s going to make it out of this situation alive. He’s processing his options and considering the best thing to do going forward, but he’s well aware that there’s also a good chance he might die tonight.

They manage to get into contact with Narumi, who instructs them to stall and keep quiet, also telling Natsume to use his alice. He’s strong enough to overpower the barrier, so it shouldn’t be an issue, but Natsume is sick. In order to get a small flame, he exhausts himself, and is even less of a state to run away than he already was. Their kidnappers realize the kids are awake because of the disturbance in the barrier, so they confront them to try and figure out their alices. Reo wants this information for nefarious purposes, planning on selling them. It’s already been said earlier in the story that alice children are more valuable in the human trafficking trade, so it’s in his best interest to know what exactly he’s selling.

Mikan has nullification, so the voice pheromone doesn’t work on her, but Sumire is affected, and about to reveal her alice when Natsume interferes. He’s exhausted, but he might have more or less already given up on himself. The most he can do now is try and protect his classmates who came to save him, even if it’s all he can do. So Reo does move on to confront him, taunting him by telling him all the plans they have for him. He’s to be assimilated into the organization, joining Z and becoming a child soldier for their ranks.

Reo brings up an excellent point: “What difference does it make if you start working for Z instead? Everyone there hates the academy like you do.” It’s true. Natsume might even prefer it slightly because it’s an anti-alice organization and he is by no means pro-academy (unlike in the anime where he becomes a poster boy for abuse apologism). At the academy, he’s surrounded by abusers and those subservient to the abusers, by bullies and kids who whisper behind his back, accusing him of murder and arson. Maybe at Z he could be around like-minded people (albeit people who are supportive of child trafficking).

But no.

Natsume doesn’t even consider it.

Maybe Reo should consider that Natsume doesn't want to be a child soldier at all, hmm?? Maybe he'd be better off just being a normal kid? Did that occur to him at all or...?

He immediately smacks Reo’s hand away. Even sick, even heavily under the effects of Reo’s alice, even despite being weak and drugged, he still resists. There’s not even a temptation or hesitation. His choice has been made for him.

Interestingly, Reo was also used by the academy. He knows how twisted the school can be, but he’s still confused and surprised by Natsume’s refusal. I’m assuming based on this that perhaps Natsume is a special case. It would be reasonable to assume most of the kids used in the dangerous ability class are threatened and cowed into obedience, their physical and mental safety in jeopardy if they rebel in any way. Natsume is a child, and we’ve seen him run from his own teacher in abject terror. He’s obviously not a fan of putting himself in physical and mental jeopardy. But the way to get to Natsume is not by threatening him; it’s by threatening Ruka, or Aoi, or Youichi, because Natsume doesn’t care about anything as much as he cares about them--not even his own life.

And that’s why Reo is surprised and confused that Natsume would say no to him and choose the academy over Z.

And it’s because Natsume is not actually choosing the academy over Z. He’s choosing Ruka and Aoi over Z, like he chooses them over everything. Natsume knows that resisting Z here is tantamount to suicide, but he’ll choose that, because he’ll choose his loved ones over his own life.

And then something surprising happens: Mikan gets in between Natsume and Reo, protecting Natsume.

This is new; Natsume is used to being the one doing the protecting. He was more than willing to take all Reo’s wrath to distract him from using his pheromones on Mikan and Sumire. He’s being protected now though, a little, but it’s really just a taste of what’s to come. Mikan stepping in is unexpected… and unwise.

Now Reo can conclude that she has the nullification alice. This is bad news in general, but a great opportunity. Reo and his goons are distracted and there’s enough time for Sumire to use her own alice and see where they are and what’s around.

Turns out there’s dynamite and other explosives a couple warehouses away. This instantly gets Natsume’s attention and he’s already formulating a plan.

He tells them to run for it, reassuring them that he can take care of himself. He says he’s only helping because he’d feel guilty otherwise, not because he actually cares much for what happens to them, because it’s their own fault they followed him.

We know this isn’t the truth. Since he woke up, Natsume has been prioritizing the girls over himself.

He can hardly stand up so the idea that he can escape on his own is a little ridiculous... but he knows that too and he's known it from the start.

The escape begins and the girls run for it, with Natsume distracting Reo and his goons by threatening to blow up the dynamite two warehouses away.

This is a genuine suicide attempt. Natsume has no intention to save himself. He considers himself a lost cause. He’s sick, exhausted, in no condition to run. He can stall long enough to let the girls escape, but he’s gonna blow up the dynamite, taking Reo and part of Z down with him. Reo’s kidnapping whim will prove fatal and catastrophic, and the Black Cat will be eliminated.

Chapter Sixteen

This arc turns so much darker.

Yes, Natsume seems to have no choice but to kill himself to protect his classmates and eliminate the Reo threat. The first page of Chapter Sixteen also establishes that this isn’t just Natsume’s own plan. He’s been commanded to commit suicide in this kind of situation by Persona. If he’s ever trapped and can’t escape, he’s to kill himself, so that he can’t be used against the academy. He’s too powerful. The academy would rather this child die than fall into Z’s hands. In fact, if Natsume were to rebel, in any way, even by not killing himself in such a situation, the academy will hurt the people he cares about.

This is a grown ass man telling a child that his life is only important if he can be a tool for the school and as soon as he can't be anymore, he ceases to have value and is better off dead.

I will once again mention that Natsume is ten years old. The academy is not just an abusive institution, it’s also a human rights violator, since child soldiers are prohibited by international law. A child soldier is any child under the age of 18 who is compelled to fight or otherwise service any state or non-state armed group (the academy counts as an armed group because it has a division of child soldiers with magical powers ready to kill and maim on command as well as teachers with magical powers willing to threaten these children into submission). Natsume is a child soldier and the fact that the dangerous ability class was never fully dissolved is an actual human rights violation.

Anyway, this arc is where we see Natsume clearly for the first time. Compared to all the fun and mischief of previous chapters, these chapters are dark and scary. There’s no exciting dodgeball game or howalon-related antics. This is life-or-death, suicide attempts, threats.

This marks the difference between the life the rest of the kids at the academy are living and the life Natsume has been struggling through. How do you live through missions like this, watching your life whittle away, being threatened on a regular basis, and then go back to school and pretend to care about math or about sports or friends? It makes perfect sense that Natsume would feel so isolated from everyone. His experiences are too different.

Of course, this whole thing is about to get a whole lot worse.

Reo asks why Natsume would even bother with this. Is there even a reason? He even gives a pretty good deal: If Natsume backs down, Sumire and Mikan will be spared.

But Natsume doesn’t bite. He’s ready to die, because the academy told him to, because he wants to protect his loved ones, because he wants to help Sumire and Mikan escape, and--most heart-breakingly--because he genuinely wants to die.

Now that Sumire and Mikan are gone, he doesn't have to lie about his plans anymore.

Natsume has been appearing in the last sixteen chapters, showing up to offer a sarcastic quip, set something on fire, and be generally unpleasant. But more than that, we’ve seen glimpses into what appears to be a horrible, miserable life. Natsume hates the academy, only has one friend, goes on life-threatening missions, frequently visits the hospital, despises his own alice, and he never smiles. All his appearances up to this point have been an explanation: this is why Natsume wants to kill himself.

Natsume isn’t just forced into a suicide attempt. There’s a reason he submits so easily to the idea of dying here. He’s ready. He’s been ready for a long time. He might have even been waiting for it; to get it over with because it’s bound to happen sooner or later.

He says he feels like he’s living his life cowering on his knees, like his head is constantly under a pool of shame. “I’m sick of the academy. I’m sick of you all. I’m sick of everything!”

Natsume is going to die in a few moments and he’s okay with it. He’s even happy about it, because there is really nothing worth living for. He doesn’t have a future, or hopes and dreams. This whole time he has been living for Ruka and his family, doing everything he can to keep them safe. Nothing he’s done in the past two years has been for himself. This may be the very first selfish thing he has done in all this time. He’s ready to die.

It’s not like he had something to look forward to anyway.

Natsume is about to die, until the wind is knocked out of him and he’s suddenly on the ground, with Mikan grabbing his shirt and screaming into his face that he’s an idiot. He’s lying on the floor because one of his stupid classmates--the one he hates the most, the stupid girl with the nullification alice and her head so full of rainbows and butterflies and happiness he could barf just thinking about her, the one that walked right into the worst thing that ever happened to him and smiled about it--tackled him and stopped his suicide attempt.

Just one split second changes everything and there's nothing he can do about it.

Yes, the previous chapters leading up to this explained why Natsume wants to die, and how miserable his life is, but they also mark another thing: the only fifteen and a half chapters where Natsume isn’t in love with Mikan.

In this moment, she saves his life. She risks her own safety on a whim to protect him, and she does. She didn’t come all this way for nothing! She’s willing to fight Reo and any henchmen to protect Natsume, who can’t even walk without help. Natsume was not expecting this.

He asks why she even came back, but she makes it clear it wasn’t a choice--they’re partners, after all! It’s her job to look after him.

The next few scenes are Mikan protecting Natsume, and it’s important to point out that nobody has ever done that before. Natsume is always the one doing the sacrificing and protecting, and he’s okay with that. He doesn’t want Ruka to be burdened by his hardships, or for Aoi to be held responsible for something she did under a dangerous fever. He will do the hard thing, will be the caretaker, because that’s who he’s always been.

It might be uncomfortable and strange for him, but Natsume is being taken care of here, led to hiding spots and being protected. When he tries again to convince her to leave him behind, he’s using all the insults he can think of. This is another way of protecting people: hurting them so that he can further distance himself from them and keep them safe.

But Mikan fights back, saying, “Who do you think I came back for?”

Here Natsume finally understands something. The girl he has hated ever since she voluntarily enrolled into the school that uses him as a human weapon is more than a bumbling idiot. Her sickening optimism and determination are the reason he’s still alive now. He gave up on himself, but she refuses to. She’s the kind of person who would risk her own life to save a boy who has caused her nothing but grief, because she can see value in his existence that he can’t.

Natsume's never thought of himself as even having a future before, let alone a happy one.

And she says, “Everyone is waiting for you.” Natsume used to look down on her optimism and rose-colored lenses, because how naive is it to think things will just work themselves out? That the future will be better? That there’s something worth working for, even if you aren’t sure what it is? It’s stupid. Natsume knows better: life sucks and then you die because you get kidnapped and you have to commit suicide or else your loved ones will get hurt. Relying on stupid things like positivity or hope is just a waste of time.

But not this time. This girl is saving him because there’s a bright future awaiting her, but more than that: she sees a bright future for him too. She thinks things will work out for him too, that he has moments to look forward to where he will laugh and cry and live--moments he hasn’t seen yet. There’s still so much life left for him to live, and he’s never thought of it that way.

For the first time in a long time, Natsume is thinking about his own future.

He doesn’t argue when Mikan stands up to protect him, or when she grabs his hand to try and lead him from danger. He trusts her now and even more, he wants to live.

And then Mikan gets overpowered by a goon, who slams her into the wall in order to get to Natsume.

And that pushes Natsume’s berserk button, because now he cares about Mikan, and he goes absolutely unhinged whenever someone he cares about is hurt.

Mikan has become precious to Natsume only a few minutes ago, but he's kinda ride-or-die so it's like going from 0 to 100.

Just a few chapters ago, a middle-schooler grabbed Mikan and threatened to hurt her if Natsume didn’t back down and Natsume just laughed. Now he’s detonating a whole shipyard because somebody shoved her.

Yes, he does set off the dynamite, because he’s no longer thinking rationally and how dare someone hurt Mikan?

We’re not really sure what consequences this had, if he ended up inadvertently hurting himself or Mikan in the process of getting revenge against this man for hurting a girl who he just started having feelings for like five minutes ago, but both of them end up hospitalized.

Conclusion

This whole arc is a fucking MASTERPIECE. We’ve met Natsume before, but that was the old Natsume. That Natsume was miserable and didn’t have anything to look forward to. We’ve just met a new Natsume; a Natsume who has hopes and desires and will do selfish things because of them. His life is still dark and dreary and miserable, but there’s a light coming in now, and he’s content now just to be in the sun for a little bit until his life comes to a complete end, which will still be sooner than later.

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