Just a sleepover

So I watched more videos last night and I’m not convinced I’m asexual anymore. Though I do believe I am mostly demisexual. And after thinking about it alot I have experienced sexual attraction in the past even as a little girl.  I really would love for there to be more studies about this. Especially the influence of racism.

I had lots of crushes as a kid. There was Natwan who got into a fight with Clifford over me at recess. That was the shining moment of my childhood love life. I really liked Natwan. Then I remember having proto sex fantasies about George Michael when “I want your sex” came out. haha Then in 3rd grade I was OBSESSED with this Romanian boy in my class named Matt.  I’ll always remember him.  I can say the demisexuality was burgeoning as a child. Because I remember I was grossed out by both Natwan and Clifford before but after they fought for me I developed a hard crush on Natwan because he won the fight. 😀 Also, there was the kid named Jovan that I hated cause he smelled like pee and used to follow me around sometimes but then after a while I kinda started to like him because he was just around so much. like the sexual attraction always followed an emotional connection.

As I got older and especially after I moved to Mississippi I got the ugly girl script which began to suppress me sexually.

I stopped talking to boys when I was in 6th grade because they all had collectively decided that I was ugly.  I remember I had a crush on a boy at school and when I talked to him on the phone I described myself differently than what I was because I knew he would think I was ugly. Then my worst nightmare came true when he found out how I looked and told everyone “this ugly girl likes me” and everyone in the whole school made fun of me for what felt like an eternity.

Like I AM SURE this experience was not healthy for my sexual development...

2 people molested me when I was growing up. That’s the first time I’ve ever put that out publicly but yes that did happen. I never carried around a lot of trauma about it. But I AM SURE all this was not the most healthy thing for my sexual development... 

As a teen I knew I was “ugly” so I did not even pursue any relationships to save myself the trauma of rejection but a lot of guys would flirt with me privately. In 10th grade there was this guy in the band with me and I would meet with him in this weird storage room and he would just grope me and do weird stuff to my body and I would just let him and then we would just leave the room and never talk about it and never even talk to each other. It was so weird. Then one day it just stopped, he graduated I guess. I remember thinking he wasn’t that cute but he was a couple grades higher than me and I was horny and curious so I just did it. But it was honestly such a strange experience.  We NEVER kissed.

In 6th grade this girl at my school was visiting the apartment next to mine and she invited me over for a sleepover. She turned on some porn and like started groping me and again I just let her do it. Then she took her clothes off and told me to hump her.  I did for a minute and then stopped. I felt really uncomfortable about it and she called me boring and masterbated and fell asleep.  I guess I was curious but just not that into her. LOL. I remember feeling so weird every time I saw her at school.

But for my whole teen life i had no voluntary healthy mutual sexual experiences.  But I did want them. I just feel like being an “ugly” person put so much fear in me to even try and it made me distrustful of anyone who did pursue interest in me because I thought they were trying to play a trick or just use me for sex but keep me a secret like so many had done in my past.

I don’t want to blame my mom for anything becuase she did her best and was always true to herself and will never fault her for that. But she was maybe too open with me about her sexuality when I was growing up. She talked about sex so much and it always cringed me out. She always had this attitude like I’m a grownup and I’ll do what I want and you’re the child and you don’t get to run me so deal with it. She always had different boyfriends and paraded them around in front of me.  On my 12th birthday my actual 12th birthday party I had friends over for a slumber party and she had sex with her boyfriend in the next room. I was mortified.  

I AM SURE this experience was not the most healthy for my sexual development.

But then what was weird was that suddenly in my 20s I wasn’t the “ugly” one anymore. Like I was still ugly to a lot of people lol oh and Fat. There was always somebody commenting on my body being bigger than usual. But during this time I also just felt more carefree and confident soI temporarily got assigned a different narrative and I felt free to sexually explore again.  But by then I still had so much fear and phobia that it never worked like it should have.  And also people were still racist and even if they would date me or even fuck me they didn’t take me seriously as a long term partner. Like every guy I liked (black, white, or otherwise) ended up with some non-black girl or really light skin black girl. So I just learned to not want people who didn’t want me. And A LOT of people didn’t want me. So i had to also process that into my sexual choices. So it was just always dysfunctional. I was constantly censoring, monitoring, modifying my own sexual impulses. Until eventually they all just went completely internal or just turned off.  

Like I’m sure a psychologist would look at these combined experiences and diagnose me with some sexual PTSD or some shit IDK.  

Like there has to be some separate category of asexuality for people who have been pathologically rejected by society based on their looks. Like would I still feel this way if people had just treated me like a human and not some ugly sex toy? Is it fair to other “asexuals” who did not have negative experiences like this but are still asexual to say that I am asexual because of trauma.  Maybe I’m just traumatized and not asexual.  

Idk. Its all very weird. I’m done thinking about it for now.

Tumblr

You know, it’s kinda crazy to think about... But one of the sites that I use the least nowadays is genuinely one of the sites that had the biggest impact in my life. I use instagram a lot nowadays, since it’s platform allowed me to meet and connect with new people. Maybe one day, it’ll even surpass tumblr’s impact on my life. Idk just random late night thoughts, but damn I never really took the time to appreciate this website LOL. 

I guess how I got into tumblr should be a starting point. My first gf basically Kristy was very into tumblr. I was not dating her at the time, just best friends. I had a childhood friend named Cynthia that actively used tumblr and had a pretty high following count. Honestly only nowadays do I think that I finally surpassed her in follower count LOL. She had like 15k-ish, back when I first started using this website in junior year. So Cynthia highly recommended that I start using tumblr. I initially used tumblr as a way of kinda bonding with her and later my future 1st gf (having stuff in common helps lolol). At first, I just posted selfies and looked up dumb stuff that I like, so HIMYM/pizza/food/funny stuff was all I posted in the beginning. I never really found the appeal to it tbh at first. Like I guess I post stuff I like, so I can show ppl my blog and they’ll know more about me. But uhh idk? I guess what kinda made me get more into it, is Cynthia had a high followers count and she legit wouldn’t tell me her blog, unless I had 200+ followers. I was like WTF, how do I even get 200 followers!? So I tried to grow in followers by idk reblogging some cool stuff I saw on a very popular blog. The blog is gone nowadays, but it was basically vertical pics idk. It had  landscape, which is basically what my blog is today. But it was like home stuff idk tumblr-esque vertical pics of home, roses, animals, landscapes, and stuff. I just reblogged stuff like that and uh did f4f until I hit like 1k LOL, then I started to join tumblr networks since Cynthia told me that tumblr networks are lit to make friends/grow. Tumblr networks did help me grow, but honestly it was orionfalls that made me get to like 20k followers today. Honestly I still queue up posts whenever I’m extremely bored once a month, so that my tumblr is still active. It’s crazy how uh strong my habits can be? I legit have always had posts queued up from 3rd year of HS to 3rd year of college and I only had a couple days, where I legit had 0 posts on kawaiitheo. The thing is, I never really took advantage of my high follower count. Like idk, if I posted something that is not a vertical landscape, it gets like 3-6 notes. I’ve noticed personal accounts with far far less followers than me have way better interaction... My landscape posts still get a decent amount of notes to this day. But it’s surprising how bad my interactions are ahhh. Like idk, I kinda always wanted a really high followers count with followers that wanted to be friends/get to know me/ask questions/etc... But I guess I should have tried to get popular in uh not landscapes LOL. But srsly, I have uploads that hit 100k+ notes... Also I legitly have 20k followers. I legit never did those promo4promos bs or anything after like 1k followers. All my followers found my blog and legitimately followed based on my content. I admit that orionfalls by queuing up my posts, I gain like 30ish folloewrs each time. But you’d have to go to my blog, see I have similar content to orionfalls, enjoy my content, and follow right? So I do have good notes on my landscape posts, but damn are ppl disinterested in me as a person :( Maybe I should have done more idk quotes reblogs/random text posts to make myself more than just a landscape posting robot LOL. Oh well... maybe if I’m really bored one day, I’ll try that.

Anyways, I’m getting super far off topic. Uhh, so Kristy had a tumblr, I made a personal tumblr since she didn’t really care for my landscape posts LOL. She did end up having a landscape blog and ended up following me again tho. She had a popular league of legends tumblr and tumblr was a cool activity/hobby that we both had. We’d share each other posts from tumblr and I got her into reddit, which she uses to this day. I think she stopped using tumblr tho. But tumblr was a cool hobby I had with her. I made my first every uh diary/journal like this, because of Kristy actually. She had kristyhere, which was her secret journal back then. She told me before we started dating when she had a crush on me and I was her best friend, that she had a private journal of thoughts that she liked to write on. She sometimes for whatever reason shared it with best friends that really knew her and who she didn’t mind knowing about her thoughts/feelings/secrets I guess. I was like woah o.o and read that blog religiously and apparently I was the first person to actually continuously check up on the private tumblr (pw protected, so can’t follow have to manually check). But yeah, fast forward started dating. I decided to make my own private secret blog and it somehow became my way of communicating with her, similar to what I later did with Stefanie actually... Unfortunately, I deleted the blog I had with Kristy after we broke up, so a lot of our idk history and my thoughts back then are gone. I do regret it a bit, so I don’t delete my blogs to this day. Since I figured it’ll be fun to look back many years from now to see my thoughts back then. But uhh, yeah used tumblr as a medium to communicate with my first gf, and it helped us idk bond and express feelings in a unique way. Since in these journals, you can have a conversation where you’re basically uninterrupted. You legit could type pages of your thoughts and the reader/SO just has to take all the thoughts in at once without being able to idk interrupt. It has it’s pros and cons definitely. But it was a way for her to idk complain about me haha and ofc randomly confess love for me. I guess the coolest thing about them nowadays is, I could always re-read her old blog posts about me and see how uh she fell for me, some really big highlight moments between us, and ofc uh dark times. I see my past dumb dumb dumb first relationship mistakes and idk silliness back then. But I also do remember sometimes she super misunderstood me based on her blog post, then after talking to her, she realizes oh haha my b. I guess I have a problem keeping this post consistent in topic. But yeah, tumblr had a huge impact on my life, since it was a way to I guess bond with my best friend, which later helped turn her into my gf. Also it was a cool hobby that we got to share together and a medium that we both used to communicate with each other occasionally.

Later on, it surprisingly led to me meeting basically the love of my life. I know I recently wrote a lot about idk Kristy and orionfalls (who I befriended through mutual interest in League, he has like 300k folloewrs crazy). Like I casually was browsing instagram and saw those kawaii battles, because linda chen? or whatever on ig was posting them. I saw Stefanie and thought oh wow what a cute girl LOL. I clicked on her instagram and then she had a tumblr~ I was still an active user of tumblr despite not being with Kristy anymore for like months at that time. I saw from her about she had a ridiculous amount in common with me and she lived in SoCal like wowow~ I didn’t think anything would come from it, but I just wanted to send her a compliment through her ask. Surprisingly she sent very wordy cute responses and we had back in forth conversations, before we transition over to kik. Then I think we had skype call together once, so I could hear her voice for the first time. Lol it’s crazy to think that I onced was kinda excited just to hear what she sounds like on Skype, and to think I was later in a position where I was sharing the same bed with her in her college dorm... Damn life is crazy. Then I found out her fb and slowly just started to message her from there. Only really talking to her later at night, since she had guard practice and no phone for a while LOL. Anyways, I had a crush on her, since she just typed really really cute and was just fun to talk to + was pretty. Idk I just really liked her personality :O and it was so nice and sweet, it’s like bro how can anyone hate this girl? Eventually I think it wasn’t until I started college that I started to talk to her again. December we had our first date and it was crazy! Eventually somehow began a real life relationship.. It became a relationship that kind of changed me, taught me more about relationships, made me really experience life (holy never drove in rain to LA before for a 1st date, never had that many sleepovers in general, never drove hours to LA, pulling all nighters for a girl, Valentine’s Day, driving on a random Thursday just to visit her since she was lonely, and etc etc). Like I guess in the process of idk trying to have a successful relationship with her, damn did I really experience life that I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. Like idk I could write a bunch of what I learned like carrying conversations, having to plan the day even when I visit her in LA/her city, started to actively look for cool things to do like escape rooms or new places to go to, and idk improve as a person more for her + learn more about myself/relationships. But yeah, I’d say ig showed me Setefanie, but tumblr is obv where the relationship kinda all started. It brought to me a relationship + friendship that lasted from my senior year of HS all the way to before my 3rd year of college began. Crazy! From her junior year to 2nd year of college~ That’s some key years in a person’s life yo! I never really appreciated tumblr that much now that I think about it. But damn, it connected me with someone who undoubtedly had a huge impact on my life. So I guess I gotta appreciate this site more sometimes, even though I don’t really use it as much as in the past... It even has an archive of kinda my thoughts and feelings for years now from these journals/blogs, and on my personal blog of stuff I like, it sort of shows a shift on how I am at certain points of times and maybe slightly my interests idk. Also I similarly used tumblr personal blogs/journals as a way of communicate with Stefanie during the relationship too, so tumblr also get extra points for that. I guess I’m being really repetitive, but man do I take this site for granted in some ways. Like I don’t really use it that much, since idk not too popular and kinda boring nowadays, and it doesn’t really hold too close of a place in my heart. But it honestly should considering without it, oh man my life would be pretty different haha. 

SO yeah, I guess kinda just random thoughts about tumblr. Who knows when the day will come that I truly quit this site. But now that I reflected a bit, it’ll have a small small place in my heart. I still try to post on my personal account and reblog random stuff that I like every day, since idk habit. I don’t queue that much on kawaiitheo, but legit the queue count is 200+ so I don’t really have to queue for like 2 months prob lol. I even post on my fashion blog every couple days at least like 1 post... As for this blog and my personal secret blog, I kinda slowly am trying to let this blog die out. But sometimes I just come up with posts that just fits this a lot more. So idk soon? one day? Who knows.. Random late night reflections yo.. Damn have this site oddly had a huge impact in my life.