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homestuck-secret-santa · 7 years

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Homestuck Secret Santa 2016

gift fic for @cronnchy– happy holidays!! (and sorry for the lateness ;;)

Dave’s first Christmas was fucked up.

Of course, it was probably unfair to put undue emphasis on his first Christmas. Upon further examination, it was safe to say that his second, third, fourth, and every Christmas of his thirteen years of life was fucked up, not just the first one.

This wasn’t due to the custom-made Smuppet ornaments that adorned the Christmas cactus, or the stockings made of the same material as an anime body pillow, or even the severed horse head his bro gave him, wrapped in Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff wrapping paper, ala The Godfather (thankfully with a plush horse instead). No, all of these things might seem strange to an outsider, but Dave didn’t even bat an eye (not like anyone could tell, either, with his certified Coolkid aviators controlling his emotional output at all times. Instead, the most bizarre, the most outrageous part of his childhood Christmases was that there was never any snow.

As any resident of Satan’s Asshole, or the southern United States, could tell you, snow was a rare sight, not just at Christmas but at any time of year. Oh sure, it would occasionally fall in January or February, slushy, fake snow that would end up melted by the afternoon– but Dave had never even had that. Every Christmas it was hot enough outside that he could’ve walked around in a speedo or jumped into a lake without even the slightest fear of hypothermia, both things his bro had done one Christmas or another.

Dave wouldn’t even have been so bitter about it if the phrase “White Christmas” wasn’t tossed around so much, and if every goddamn Disney movie or Christmas card had to shove perfect snowy scenes in his face every December. Every time he watched a Christmas special and saw the children rolling around in the snow while sleigh bells jingled overhead, the more he realized there was something fundamentally wrong with his version of Christmas.

Well. Aside from the Smuppets.

To add to this predicament, every time Christmas rolled around in New York Rose was ass-deep in snow, so all of her messages contained some complaint about the nuclear family and capitalist vestige of a “perfect white Christmas”. Normally Dave would be down for shittalking capitalism with her, but he couldn’t help but be annoyed at her ungratefulness, since he’d give anything to get out of the literal hell that was Texas and into some snowy, wintery wonderland, filled with pine trees and mansions in the woods.

Thankfully, Jade shared his predicament. Living on a tropical island with no one but her grandpa (or so he had thought, at thirteen years old, only to learn that she’d been all by herself for years, which was worse) she had no snow, no cold weather at all, and none of the trappings of a regular Christmas. She’d spent her December sitting in the greenhouse with her enormous dogs, eating atomic steaks and decorating a twenty-foot tree with homemade ornaments. (Which didn’t sound so bad, actually.) The two of them had commiserated for years over their lack of snow on Christmas, although Jade didn’t object too much because the warm weather was optimal for plant-growing and she didn’t think she’d like snow all that much, really!

Finally, there was John, who, much in the same vein as Rose, was no help. Living in Washington meant he got a decent amount every year, perfectly blanketing his suburban neighborhood. Every year he had pictures of snowmen with funny disguises, or his attempt at drawing Nicholas Cage’s face in the snow. Rose may have had quantity, but John had quality; he could sled, ice-skate, and make snow angels without worrying about hypothermia the way she did.

He did, however, sympathize with Dave. “No snow?” he’d said, two days before Christmas as they chatted on Pesterchum. Flurries were coming down outside his window, while the sun shone vibrantly outside of Dave’s. “That sucks. You need to visit me when it’s snowing, I’ll show you how it’s done!”

“It doesn’t take a genius to run around in some powdery white shit,” he’d replied, “but I’ll hold you to that promise.”

The truth was, as a thirteen year old broiling with teen angst and grappling with an unresolved crush on his best friend, there was nothing Dave would’ve liked better than to fuck around in the snow with John in the Washington suburbia, living out every one of his Hallmark fantasies. How and when they would meet in person, Dave hadn’t figured out, but he was determined to make it happen.

And then the world ended, and he had other things to worry about.

x-x-x

By the time Dave sees snow for the first time, the world he knew is gone. It all went so quickly; the meteors, the egg, the sword through his bro’s chest and the feathery bird version of himself who tried to save John from dying and John himself, sending fireflies and wisps of wind all across their session as he ascended to the heavens or something like that. Technically they still haven’t met in person, although John and Davesprite have; he can’t help but be jealous of that fact He still has that crush, but then again he doesn’t have much time to think or dwell on anything (ironically since he now has literally nothing but time). Still, he can’t help but remember John’s words as he crunches through the snow of LOFAF.

It had been too long since they’d talked.

Dave had been working overtime, running around timelines and spinning his timetables enough to make him sick. He had twenty-one dead Johns at his doorstep and a dozen Roses and Jades spread out across doomed timelines, but for the moment, he was going frog-hunting.

While Jade scampered through the snow, searching for the key to their entire universe, Dave took in their snowy surroundings. Jade had already been on LOFAF for awhile, so none of it was new to her, but to Dave, it was a whole new world. The snow piled thick and soft in huge drifts, painting the world a stark white save for the green trees, bright red flowers, and occasional frog or hummingbird. In the distance, Jade’s tower stood like a beacon against the gray sky, the lights of Skaia twinkling softly in the distance.

What he would’ve given to have a planet like this instead of his hellscape of heat and clanging metal.

“Hey, Jade,” he’d said, lifting her to inspect the branches of a tree. “Have you made snowmen or gone sledding or anything yet?”

“I had a bit of fun when I first got on my planet!” she’d replied, shaking snow from her hair. “But there really hasn’t been time for that. Especially now… we’ve got to find that frog!”

“Oh, of course. But I dunno… it feels pretty damn Christmas-y to me, even though it’s April or something. Assuming anyone’s keeping track of arbitrary shit like that now. Don’t you think we should celebrate the Christmas we’ve been deprived of?”

It was at this point Jade looked over at him, looking more serious than he’d ever seen her, and said, “Of course we are.”

Thus, the Kringlefucker was born because they decided, shit, let’s be Santa, and through great abuse of alchemizing, a merry time was had by all. It wasn’t quite the Christmas Dave had envisioned before the game, but nonetheless he was content to sit with Jade on the roof of her tower around a shitty jpeg tree, watching the snow fall softly onto her silent planet.

“John and Rose should be here,” Jade said, echoing Dave’s train of thought perfectly. But instead of succumbing to sappiness, he’d shrugged.

“When we create the new world we can have as many Christmases as we want together. We can even invite those weird troll guys. But first…”

“But first, we have to find that frog!” Jade hopped to her feet. “Shall we go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” He thought, in that moment, how thankful he was for Jade, and about how in the new world, he would’ve alchemized a sled for him and John, and how Rose would’ve been knitting away at ugly sweaters for all of them.

But, like usual, Dave didn’t have too much time to think or dwell on things. That was probably for the best.

Still, they couldn’t find those frogs fast enough.

x-x-x

The new world wasn’t exactly how Dave envisioned it.

There was a Scratch, and the Green Sun, and a bomb, and he and Rose godtiered and now they’re on a meteor hurtling through space with five gray alien trolls for three whole years, apparently. It would actually be a decent arrangement except for the fact that John and Jade were on their own ship, an actual golden boat, en route to the new session, and they won’t be able to see each other for those same three years. Nor would they be able to communicate– no Pesterchum, carrier pigeon, or Pony Express can help them now. The last semblance of communication they had was a letter in a bucket that caused Karkat to lose his shit, and that was it.

It was strange; Dave used to talk to John every single day on Pesterchum, talking about movies and webcomics and all manner of nonsensical things, filling pages and pages of Pesterchum with nothing. Dave would even keep writing after John had signed off, ranting and rambling and rapping, wondering if John even read all of those messages or just passed it off as the same bull he always spouted.

But all of that, only to lead to straight radio silence. Nothing. They weren’t going to be hearing from John and Jade for awhile, and he accepts that.

And frankly, the trolls weren’t too bad. Terezi was as weird as her messages had implied, which was a relief, and she licked any available surface, a habit so unhygienic and hazardous it was very distinctly Terezi. Her moirail, (whatever the fuck that meant) Vriska, was a shit-stirrer if Dave had ever seen one, and was also the troll who had guided John on his quest and fucked over their session in more than one universe.

The two of them made quite a pair, and despite Teresa’s tendency to not display any negative emotions, and the fact that Dave doubted if Vriska even had a soul at all, they seemed to care deeply together. They clearly had some history together, although Dave didn’t pry too much into details because the trolls had a lot of stories and they were all fucked up (and he’d find out eventually anyways).

As for Karkat and Kanaya, well, the former was loud and angry, about what Dave had expected, but they did adopt the disgustingly sweet habit of curling up on the couch to watch movies together, so he couldn’t be too annoyed by his short fuse and no indoor voice. As for Kanaya, she and Rose spent most of their time flirting in ways Dave didn’t really want to get involved in, but was sweet enough from afar.

And the less said about Gamzee, the better.

All in all, the meteor wasn’t exactly a terrible place to be, even if it did give them ample time to reflect on their shortcomings in the three years of doing jack shit.

It was hard to the gauge the passage of time when you’re essentially detached from it- unless you’re the Knight of Time, that is. Dave knew the time down to the exact second, which was why when Christmas came around he was the first to know.

“Holy shit,” he said, making Karkat look up from his romance novel. “It’s Christmas.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“There’s got to be some troll equivalent of it… you know, fat guy in a red suit gives you gifts, you song around a tree, you celebrate the birth of Christ?”

Karkat continued to stare at him.

“It’s that holiday you celebrate at the end of the year?”

“You’re probably thinking of Twelfth Perigree’s Eve, but that hasn’t happened yet and we don’t have any of the weird traditions you have.”

“I seriously doubt that.” Dave got to his feet. “Well, whatever. I’m going to go talk to Rose.”

Miraculously, Rose wasn’t already involved with Kanaya, so Dave sat right down, pushed her book away, and said,”Rose, it’s Christmas.”

“Is it really?”

“Try to contain all that enthusiasm, will you?”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of religion in my youth, and my mother’s overabundance of Christmas spirit rather killed the holiday for me.”

“Goddamnit Rose; you’re the only one on this ship that knows what Christmas is.Give me some Christmas spirit won’t you?”

“Ho ho ho,” she said drily.

“Thanks,” Dave said. “First you don’t appreciate all the snow you got, and now you’re completely devoid of spirit… I feel so merry.”

“You wouldn’t like snow either if it trapped you inside your house with your overbearing and passive aggressive mother.” Rose replied, pulling her book back in front of her.

“Well I was trapped inside with my bro whether it was snowing or not, so it would’ve been nice to have a little Christmas cheer while we were at it.”

“Listen Dave, if you’re that set on celebrating Christmas then I’ll knit us some ugly sweaters and we can go about it, but I don’t think anyone else on this meteor would care.”

“The trolls apparently have their own version of Christmas, so we can celebrate that too I guess.” Dave slumped over the table. “I wonder if John and Jade are celebrating Christmas now…”

“Considering that time is lost to everybody but you, I’d say no.”

“It was worth a shot. Hey, are you going to start knitting those sweaters or not? We’re wasting the Christmas magic.”

“I don’t think Santa would approve of that attitude.” Rose began to reach for the needles and yarn that were sitting across the table from her.

“I’ll save some mistletoe for you and Kanaya, how about that?”

“So thoughtful.” Rose pulled out a red ball of yarn. “I’ll get some for you and John, then.”

“Good luck with that, when he’s essentially a universe away. Who said I still have my shitty thirteen year old crush, anyway?”

“Trust me, I know you.” Rose cast him a glance. “After all, we are siblings, aren’t we?”

Dave paused. “I guess we are… huh.”

“Something strange about that?”

“Nah,” Dave shut his mouth before he said something sappy or appeared emotionally vulnerable, both dangerous when Rose was in his presence.

When he had celebrated Christmas with Jade, there had been so much going on he hadn’t even had time to think, whereas now he had too much time to do so. For a moment, he’d wondered about his bro– remembered their past Christmases together– and had almost, for a moment…

But he still had a family.

(Even if, when it came to Christmas, she was incredibly sacrilegious and was only celebrating with him out of pity and probably a mockery of the whole thing.)

“You know, I at least wish it’d snow.”

“Maybe we’ll pass through a dream bubble or something.”

x-x-x

“Shouldn’t we start making up our own holidays?”

Karkat looked up from where he’d been fiddling with the hand-knitted sweater Rose had given him. “What?”

“I mean, we’re gods now, right? We can make whatever holidays we want. We can even send down our own baby Jesus, and make our own Christmas and with better traditions.”

“I think Christmas’s traditions are just fine!” Jade exclaimed from where she sat next to Karkat. “And I thought you liked Christmas, Dave.”

“I do,” Dave replied. “But I mean, it could use some updating. And not just Christmas, we can create holidays of our own–”

“I say we make Nic Cage’s birthday a national holiday,” volunteered John.

“Goddamnit John, I thought we were over this Nic Cage stuff,” Dave groaned. “The carapacians don’t even know who that is. You’ve gotta come up with something better than that, man.”

“I don’t think the carapacians really know or care about what we do!” Roxy said cheerfully, walking into the living room where most of them were assembled and handing them each a mug. “Here, take some of Janey’s special eggnog.”

“Is it alcohol?” John asked dubiously.

“Come on Johnny, live a little!” Roxy said, nudging him. She had on a santa hat and had somehow managed to wrap a festive string of lights around her entire person. “Actually, I don’t know what’s in, but Janey makes everything with love.”

“Bleh,” John said, even though he accepted a glass and took a hearty swig from it. “Well, at least it’s not cake.”

“There’s plenty of that too!” Jane called from the kitchen, to which John made a face.

Miraculously, they had all managed to gather together for Christmas this year, with both of those terms being used loosely. ‘Christmas’ had little meaning, with the trolls and Calliope having no connection to the holiday and the rest of them, being literal gods, attaching little religious significance to the holiday. And ‘this year’ had little bearing as well, given that they were all effectively immortal. However, they had all been relatively busy, making gathering in one place quite a challenge.

And yet, here they were. Rose, with Kanaya’s grudging help, had hand-knitted everyone a sweater, which they were all wearing, despite the relative heat of the indoors. Jane and her dad had been cooking away all day with Roxy and Calliope’s help (why she would want to cook after working all day was a mystery) and Jake and Dirk were gracing Terezi with the glory that was Christmas movies (even though Dave had already shown her Elf.) Vriska, whom Terezi had somehow rescued from the void, was trying to replace all of their Christmas decorations with Halloween ones, with Karkat yelling at her. Jade had coerced John into helping her wrap a mountain of presents, and for some reason two new trolls– Aradia and Sollux– had arrived, presumably also from the void, like Vriska, bearing gifts (while Aradia’s red getup did suspiciously resemble Santa’s, Sollux’s blind and irritable demeanor suggested nothing of the sort).

It was still surreal to Dave that they were all together– unharmed, alive, and relatively enjoying life. Of course, the trolls had to cope with the fact that their numbers had been depleted, making Dave glad he had managed to survive with John, Jade, and Rose all still alive. They’d had plenty of trials along the way, but somehow, they survived.

And now they were celebrating Christmas together, like he’d always wanted.

It was almost too cheesy and picture-perfect for Dave to stomach, but he figured they deserved it.

“Hey, guys!” The front door of John and Jane’s house, where they’d all been gathering, slammed open. Jake charged in, apparently finished with his movie marathon, his glasses askew and cheeks bright red. “It’s snowing out there!”

“That’s perfect!” Roxy cheered. “Snow on Christmas day. I never had that in the future, it was always hot as hell.”

“Same,” Dirk sighed.

“Well, that sucks,” John said. “In my neighborhood we always had plenty of snow!”

And suddenly, it comes back to him.

“No snow? That sucks. You need to visit me when it’s snowing, I’ll show you how it’s done!”

All those years of staring out a window, looking for a snowflake– either that, or a ticket to Washington. Of running through the snow, looking for frogs, or sitting through a dream bubble of that very illusion. Dave’s Christmas has been pretty damn perfect but there’s one thing he needs to complete it.

Abruptly, he stands, dragging John with him, much to the latter’s complaints. “Where are we going, I didn’t even get to finish the eggnog–”

“Shut up, I have to talk to you.” Dave dragged him from the living room, packed to the brim with people and presents and a giant tree, and to the front step, shutting the door behind them. His breath forms a cloud and he rubs his palms together. “Remember that one time when we were thirteen and we talked about having snow?”

John cocks his head and Dave realizes it’s too mundane a detail for him to remember. He’s about to backtrack when he nods and smiles, slightly bemused. “I think?”

“Well, you told me you’d show me the right way to play in the snow.” Dave turned towards the actual winter wonderland that is Can Town before him. “Now do your worst, Egbert.”

And just like that, John began laughing. There’s no one around and the sound echoes in the silent white landscape. “You really remember that?” he said, wiping his eyes, before shaking his head and saying, “And you don’t know how to play in the snow?”

“The last time I was in snow I was too busy frog-foraging to have time to frolic.” Dave kicked a pile of snow. “Look at all of this white shit. It’s blinding.”

“Well, if you really want me to show you….” John adjusted his glasses, which had fogged up slightly. “I hope you can keep up.”

“I’ve been ready since the day you told me.”

John smiled, and Dave tried to keep his heart from flipping over in his chest. “Then let’s go.”

They start with the basics– snowman making. Dave could deal with that, easy, and began applying his own artistic merit until there’s a giant Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in the front yard. He and John almost began snowscaping Nic Cage’s face, a favorite winter pasttime of John’s, before he decided it would take too long. They moved on, now working on snow angels.

Dave was genuinely surprised by how enjoyable it was to lay on your back and wave your arms and legs. The result was something that didn’t exactly resemble an angel, and yet he felt a connection with Northerners he’d never felt before.

They lobbed snowballs at each other for a solid twenty minutes, almost ready to engage in full on turf warfare before John decided that it was time to move on lest they break a window, or each other’s nose. It was at this point that he declared it was time for his favorite activity.

“Sledding!” he announced, going through the shed, where somehow he found a battered red sled. “I have no idea why this is here… but whatever. Let’s go find the biggest hill we can!”

“Hell yeah,” Dave said. “See, this is the kind of winter activity I wanted to do. None of those lame snow-angels or whatever. It’s no fun until you can potentially throw yourself into a tree.”

“You loved the snow angels,” John said, rolling his eyes. “Anyways, let’s get going.”

(By then, they had completely forgotten about everybody inside the house. Dave would miss Jane’s Christmas cake, but it was for the best, since John would have undoubtedly run from the room screaming.)

“Huh…”

“What?” John said, as they trekked through the snowy woods. Can Town’s buildings glimmered in the distance as they mounted higher and higher up a hill, their feet crunching through the snow.

“I just… agh, never mind. It’s stupid.”

“Ok, now that you’ve said that, you have to tell me.” John waited, then sighed. “Daaaave…”

“Fine, ok. When we first entered the game, I got to have Christmas with Jade. And then, when we were on the meteor, I had it with Rose. So now, I thought, I finally get to have it with you.”

Silence lapsed over the two of them as they climbed the hill, Dave feeling his cheeks heating even more. He was just about to keel over in the snow when John finally said something.

“I guess you’re right,” he cast his eyes on the ground, breathing out small puffs. “But we’ll have plenty of time to spend together now, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You know,” John said, staring up at the cold winter sky. “I really missed you.”

Dave feels a culmination of years and years of jumbled emotions rise up in his throat, but instead of feeling choked by them, it’s like a weight has been lifted from his chest. “I missed you too.”

“Hey…” John said, gesturing in front of them. “We’ve reached the top of the hill! You ready to go?”

And in an instant, the moment between the two of them vanished. But instead of being disappointed, Dave can’t help but smile. Ever since reuniting they’d bounced between being best bros or being something more, something Dave had tortured himself with for years. But it was Christmas, and there was snow, and they had got years and years to figure it out, whatever “it” is. (Even if the mistletoe Rose had hung over the door would answer that question soon enough.)

Ultimately, it didn’t matter. Because Dave had plenty of time. And for once, there was nothing to worry about.

#feb-uary #submission #cronnchy

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