moving on in

okay.  just writing.  i tried to write a poem that has been swimming around inside of me for days, but it won’t come out.  nasty thing.

i guess i feel mostly quiet this morning.  i am really committed to the practice of isolating more and extending less.  again, this isn’t to say that i am going to cut myself off from people.  no, not at all.  instead, it means that i am going to focus on myself and on reciprocating the real friendships that are around me. 

in my life, there are the following people, currently:  dixie, papa, mom, hillary, alicia, phoenix, nicole, riis, tiff, micha, willow, danielle.... and i think that is the sum of them.  to be real, only one of them stands out as someone who makes concerted efforts at building connection, and that is willow.  in my recollection, nearly all of my connections with the others have been solely driven by me.  i can’t go on in that way any longer.

so, inward i go.

You are made of stardust. Your soul is eternal. Magic happens when you believe it. There is guidance when you feel lost. • In our mad man made Plastic fantastic world Them sentences above Seem like Fluffy puffy Unicorn rainbow Positive thinking Bullshit. • But there was a time In human history When we the humans Were deeply intervoven With nature We had a strong sense And believe in the spiritual world • Nowadays we cherish the material world As there is nothing else to come Except them 50 to 80 years we are Here to sleep eat shit work buy • But there is a bigger you than: What you see in the mirror What you can touch Bigger than your imagination will ever be. • There is a source of everything and nothing There is a power That can move it all There is a love That is endless and free • What would you ask this source to do for you? And what for the world? ♥️🖖🏽🌀〽️ #thedivinewithin #alchemy #selflove #guidance #hallelujah #hallsofamenti #fromlove #angel #yeez

#dancerinthedark . Sitting here. Moths everywhere. I like em. It's huge. . all the clarity is connected to all the love It's huge. . So much light. . I dreamed of miss @meghancurrieyoga And she pulled me back in a corner and said: But you have to love the all. All of them. It's huge. And fun. . #thedivinewithin #thankful #makeithappen #lionsgate #askforallthelight #itsfree #suitsyou #yogaoffthemat #yogaonthemat #jesus #allah #krishna #bethechange #justbe #bibidibipbup #bibiblocksberg #bibisbeutypalace #whoisit

putting you down

i keep trying to put the poems from my yesterday onto the page of today.  suffice it to say, not much is happening.  so we shall try this route instead....

i went in search of god yesterday.  but i was carrying you with me.  how does one find god while carrying their unrequited love up a mountain.  how does one see the face of god in the eyes of the mule deer, hear her laughter in the blooming of flowers, bask in her loving embrace when one is unable to tear their mind away from a love that never was. 

i wrote you poems as i walked.  i wrote of making love amidst the ferns and moss.  i wrote of laying you down in lupine under a blanket of stars.  i imagined it all.  i could see you and feel and hear your laughter. 

and then.

and then i realized that i didn’t wish you were there.  i wished you wanted to be there.  and since you didn’t i quit carrying you.  i wasn’t going to carry you anywhere you didn’t want to be.  i quit carrying you.

and i picked up god.

i felt him in the breeze as it gently caressed my skin, the way i hungered for.  the way you said you would never do.  i saw him in the hills that challenged me, but never broke me the way you did.  i heard him in the apology of a 10-year old boy, humble and genuine; something you would never offer.

i will put you down a million times over.  and i don’t even have to pick up god.  or carry her wherever i am going.  she wants to be here.  she willing climbs in, hangs on, and never leaves.