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coshayphinelove · 7 years

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@politeyeti , it’s been like... a billion years, but i lost my original post (tumblr ate a bunch of my drafts) and then i forgot about it and then i forgot what i wrote and now i remember. so here it is... more trans!delphine.

the Business Professional suits she wore in season 3 made what was already a hellish emotional nightmare into a hellish emotional dysphoric nightmare. she can’t even look at shoulder pads anymore.

she’s really bad at expressing herself about anything. she doesn’t feel like she has a right to be upset about the horrible things that have happened because she caused some of them. literally the only thing she ever candidly talks to cosima about is dysphoria. through talking about it so much she gets really good at identifying a lot of her biggest triggers and gets better at avoiding/dealing with them. but then she has to talk about her other feelings because there’s nothing left to talk about. she can’t decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing.

loves loves loves loves baths. hates hates hates hates that the basement lab bathroom only has a shower stall. showering together is nice but it’s not cuddling together in a cocoon of warm water surrounded by bath bomb fragrances.

has not cut her face shaving in almost a decade. tells anyone who will listen at every opportunity.

petey doesn’t give her hormones while she’s on the island. so on her lil old people poop adventures she finds a drug dealer that sells hormones to trans people who would not otherwise be able to get them. she gets pills because they are the easiest to hide in a plastic bag in her bra. but she has to ration them, seeing as she doesn’t know when she’ll be out next. she literally never lets the baggie out of her sight, even going as far as bathing with them.

mrs. s notices. probably because she has to take a dose while they’re talking and the really cool and great mood swings she gets from taking them improperly. when she gets to the lab after geneva her preferred method of hormone intake is waiting for her with a note that promises that she’ll have as many as she needs until she can get to a doctor and a new prescription.

the ptsd, the anxiety, the depression, the dysphoria, the guilt, and the new prescription really lower her sex drive. cosima has half of the same things but it has the opposite effect. they have to come up with a 1 to 10 rating system for how Not Okay they are with sexing/not sexing and the conversation of “you don’t have to if you don’t want to” “but i want to make you happy” etc etc ad nauseam usually just leads to cuddle/kissing half naked.

and a coshayphine au outline below the cut bc *bill wurts voice* i’m a piece of garbage. mobile users, please pardon the length. i just have a lot of feelings.

shay works for a company that is somehow involved in the conspiracy some way. she doesn’t know, but shows up where delphine got shot and saves her. once back at the home base she offers her home as the safe house bc she sees how unwilling to talk to people she is.

delphine is treated, they give her pain meds but nothing else. so eventually she has to come out to shay to get hormones. shay is surprised, but is overall very supportive. even though it’s the bare minimum of human decency to not throw someone out of your home for being trans, it touches delphine and makes her really emotional. (there’s probably an element of somebody caring for her wellbeing as well that makes her cry real hard.)

shay urges her to call cosima. she’s not well. she needs someone who knows her. or is at least someone she didn’t threaten. but delphine is terrified. she doesn’t know if cosima even wants to see her. if she feels the same. if she would even care that delphine is marooned in toronto or would do anything about it. and she doesn’t have anybody else.

whatever place she used to pull her strength from, that place that made her stand back up after she’d been knocked down is empty or gone. she’s got nothing left. she can barely keep it together when she asks to borrow a book and shay brings out a whole box. if she can’t handle someone being kind then if cosima isn’t kind to her... what kind of state would that put her in?

so shay lets it drop. but it is a goal that they have. eventually, even if it is years from now, delphine will call cosima and tell her what happened.

shay reads up on trans women. all of her trans friends are trans masculine so she really has no idea what she may need, and if they’re going to be roommates she’s gotta know her shit. she comes to delphine after a while asking, “so i read a lot of stuff about trans women in general, but i was wondering if there was anything you needed. like i know trans men have packers and binders and i know trans women have shaping underwear. but i don’t know if you want any. or if... you would need that... or... you know...” delphine just laughs at her a little. “that was a lot of words.” she says she doesn’t really need much, just a razor for her face and some underwear in the next size up would be nice.

after that delphine lets shay help her bathe. she didn’t want to out herself, but now that she’s out the smell from the places she couldn’t reach without ripping her stitches out is getting to be a bigger problem than any kind of shyness.

baths and bandage changings lead to hair brushing/braiding and eventually cuddling. shay figures out that touch grounds delphine. if she’s off in some panic spiral, a hand on her knee can bring her back and a hug can calm her down. they become really close friends.

after delphine finds a sweater that used to belong to cosima she has a minor breakdown. she details what she felt with cosima, someone who was kind and understanding and who didn’t have some kind of crisis of sexuality after finding out she was trans. she misses her so much and is afraid she’ll never find someone like that again, that she’s either going to be alone forever or have a series of bad relationships. it hurts shay’s heart a little and vows to herself to be the best friend she can be.

delphine develops a little bit of an agoraphobia. she’s trans and bi and injured so doing clothes and makeup isn’t really high on her list so she’s afraid of someone noticing her and making her as trans. and there’s actual literal people out in the world who tried to and still want to kill her, delphine, for being delphine. she goes out for therapy and for quick errands, but mostly just stays inside.

shay is fine with that. so many cuddles. but at some point they share a kiss. it’s a fading laugh, leaning slowly in, eyes wide open kiss. and that kiss leads to a long talk. which leads to more kisses. which leads to them calling each other girlfriends. which leads to sex.

sex with cosima had been a little intimidating. she had an encyclopedic knowledge of sex acts and experience with most of them. it’s not that she didn’t try to make her feel comfortable and everything, it was just A Lot. so since a lot of sex with shay is relatively new to the both of them and there’s a lot more giggling and slipping and falling. several times shay forgets that she’s gotta stop her knee a couple inches lower than she’s used to and knees delphine in the balls. which delphine is adamant didn’t really hurt that much but her voice is so strained it gives her away.

they go on like this, but then shay gets word through work that cosima has been taken or has gone to neolution island. delphine is beside herself. she could die there, shay!! so shay makes sure she is returned safely to toronto. after a long hard talk, delphine decides that she would be okay with seeing her for a talk.

cosima takes it as well as you would assume anyone would. she thought delphine was dead but she’s been around the corner the whole time? and then she finds out that she’s been here, in a love den with shay [SHAY???] the entire time, while cosima was scared and alone and flirting with disease ridden bots. she says things she immediately regrets, delphine cries, and they both see the scary dangerous side of shay that they knew existed but had never experienced when she kicks her out.

since that was literally a nightmare that delphine had on a regular basis, she’s a lil messed up from that. she’s withdrawn and goes back to sleeping on the couch. there’s a guilt that she just can’t get rid of. ‘i should have called her.’ ‘i should have gone straight to her.’ ‘it was selfish to take care of myself.’ etc etc.

shay can’t get through to her so she contacts cosima and is all scary saying, “i don’t care if you’re lying, but you go and you apologize and say that it was a good thing for her to prioritize herself bc i’m afraid she’s gonna hurt herself and she’s not listening to me when i say it.”

that is Not what cosima wanted so she goes back and talks to delphine. they talk about p much everything while shay is in the room bc “i’m going to tell her everything anyway.” it’s emotional and awkward and so cathartic. they finally know the truth about what happened and they finally know how the other felt and why and how and everything they ever had questions about. as cosima is leaving, delphine asks if she can see her again.

and thus buds a friendship.

but it’s killing cosima. with her time alone she realized that there were really only two people she could see herself dating. and they’re dating each other. and they have a better and stronger relationship than she had ever had with either of them.

she accepts her fate. she knows she’s never gonna be more than their maid of honor. the best friend. auntie cosima. the wing man. she knows she’s probably never gonna date seriously again. she’s just going to have a string of hookups but nothing more. she knows this. she’s just. really depressed about it.

shay finds out. probably through a melodramatic encounter in the hallway as shay comes home from work and cosima leaves.

and then shay has this soft spot for cosima. and delphine for sure still loves cosima. and it’s just this little triangle of unresolved feelings.

i can’t decide who brings up polyamory. it’s never cosima bc she would never do it. but if delphine did suggest it, it would be bc she wants to make cosima happy. if shay did it it would be to make them both happy.

and then it would be just a delphine-centric polyamorous vee. and cosima is a little afraid of, very aware of shay. and shay is the one who suggests closing the relationship into a triad.

potential for sarcoshayphine but this is already so long and yeah.... anyways always please talk to me about trans!delphine

#ALWAYS PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT TRANS!DELPHINE #I LOVE THIS AU SO MUCH BUT I NEVER POST ABOUT IT BC I FEEL LIKE NOBODY WOULD CARE #AND/OR I REALLY DONT WANNA DEAL WITH TERFS #I HAVE A MEME FOR IT BUT I DONT HAVE THE GONADS TO DO MUCH MORE #ANYWAY #TRANS!DELPHINE #DELPHINE CORMIER #MY FIC #HEADCANONS

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