if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.

vent. mind the tags

grieving with bpd is so... i wont say its worse or anything cuz im really not about that shit, anyone and almost everyone can and has felt this pain before, its a constant of life, but.. when im not actively sobbing and depressed and my mood switches up, it makes me feel so guilty. i should be spending that time in misery, i should be wailing and wiping more snot from my nose and my head should hurt worse like it was a few minutes ago, but yknow. emotional permanence n all that

its so funny, they keep trying to get me to believe in god, she says he'll show himself to me and ill find him my own way. i respect that she at least respects im not there yet (i dont think ill ever be truthfully but we can agree to disagree), but i just keep losing more and more, and any faith i had gets ripped away in an instant. there is no god worth worshipping, because someone worth worshipping would not put me through this pain again and again and again

3 pets dead within a YEAR. riley died june 29, 2022, talcum died in october of 2022, and now artemis, today. may 24. it hasnt even been a full year since riley died. i cant keep doing this man

i find myself less hopelessly despaired and choking on my spit wailing sad like the last two, only because im started to.. lose faith in everything. i feel cynical, it makes me MAD

because i did everything right this time. with riley, i made the mistake of even THINKING that it couldve been cancer, and then it was. i know that wasnt my fault, he had the tumor before i even came to visit and before we took him to the vet, but its still incredibly hard not to blame myself for that. talcum died of stress, because bruce kept jumping on his bird cage. i was so ashamed with myself that my MOM (who doesnt even view our pets as family, more like accessories) noticed talcum wasnt singing like he used to. i didnt even notice until the day after when my sibling was on the phone with every vet he could call to see if they took birds

i was optimistic this time, because it looked hopeful! it seemed like she would be okay, i told myself itll be fine and that we'll fix her up and she'll live longer because she deserves to. obviously that was completely useless because shes dead now, so none of that mattered. i didnt even get to say goodbye to her. i said bye when i left my grandmas house a few days ago, but.. its not the same.

i did everything right this time and obviously it didnt fucking matter because theres no fixing that. theres nothing you can do, death is the worst part of life and it never goes away. never gets easier, you can never outrun it. it makes me so sad that the ones who dont deserve it get it first. i know they were old cats but artemis wasnt THAT old. she probably wouldve lived happily for quite some time after, if everything turned out good. ive known them since i was 7. theyve been in my life forever, and now theyre both gone

god it hurts so much, it never gets easier. i just feel so hopeless right now. i wish i could freeze time, and we could just exist as we are forever. but i cant do that

dude i- am so fucking sorry i literally SUCK. sorry i never answered you but i was literally drowning in school and mental health and my own tears and then i broke my wrist like 2 weeks ago so i never really got around to answer your question about my dream! buckle up, it’s a long one (that’s what she said (i’m so sorry.. i hate me too)) aNyWaY so we were in the airport all of the sudden and like we lost our baggage and everything but we got on our flight to la anyway and then there was this 1/?

child and it kept screaming and crying and when we landed i kicked it down the stairs and it just laid there on the ground and everyone thought it was dead and everyone’s just starring at me and u slowly backed out like “idk this bitch” but the child was alive and everything was fine. so after a while we got to the hotel and we wanted to nap and i got this call from cody asking if we would be down to meet up with him and kelsey (we said yes obviously) so we went to their place ‘n i fell asleep on their couch and you and cody drew all over my face and put it on instagram ‘n shit. later noel came over and we just talked and we started to talk about avengers and we geeked about it and noel was like “yo kaili, that tom holland as ur homescreen?” and u were like “it’s not what it looks like pls don’t tell my gf” and cody nonchalantly “we just filmed with him, wanted to come around later, wanna meet him?” duh. and they were asking us about our luggage and shit so we told them we lost it they gave us all their new merch like EVERYTHING and we were like “sick” so we got all mushy and u just looked at me going “remember when u gave me that hoodie and surprised me?” and on cue we all went “SUGAR GAY” and it was such a lovely time and we filmed some stuff did some podcast shit and then we met with tom holland and the tmg boys and it was a DREAM tom looked so good and we were all drunk and told stories and giggling and it was such a GOOD TIME AH. so after a while we said our goodbyes to tom and he gave me his number telling me to text him for breakfast the next day and noel was like let’s crash at my place tonight so we all went to his and we watched hsm 2 and aleena went on this whole ass rant how chad said he didn’t dance nor sing but did it all the way since the first movie and then i woke up again )): but i had a similar dream not too long ago and ugh! those are the best dreams. but can we talk ab the fact that i have my own tag on here? it makes me soft oh and recently i saw something and i was like “i needa text kaili!” but then i remember i’m ur cody anon and u don’t know who i am lol but when u reblogged that post with the pfp for ur cody and noel bff and u said “me and my cody anon” bro i still think ab it to this day. and my ocd is super bad as well but i hope ur on christmas break soon/already? and you get all the love u deserve? and ur happy? and doing good? i love u dude. BTW can we talk ab chili??? THEYRE THE CUTEST AND i would die for them! ok i think that’s it (sorry if you got some asks like 7 times but idk if tumblr actually sent them the first time bc it’s being a bitch rn and i probably forgot to say something after the first time writing these so im sorry )): ahhh i’m going insane) bye now and love u lots -cody

yoooo i’ve been wondering where you’ve been bro!! YOU BROKE YOUR WRIST??? are you good?? and YOU KICKED A CHILD DOWN THE STAIRS IN YOUR DREAM??? HELLO?? what am i gonna do with you omg... oh also i was on the phone with my gf when you sent the asks and i read the part about the tom holland stuff and “please don’t tell my gf” to her and she was like “like i don’t already know” which i mean... true. but wow that sounds like such a great dream :’) (the ones with me always do ahaha (kidding)). also i did see chili and i can confirm that i would also die for him!!!

i just got off on christmas break on friday!! i had my last exam that morning ugh but then i got to drive home and then fly out the next day to see morgyn :)) i’m doing aight overall, the past semster has been admittedly pretty rough but i’m optimistic about the next, and i’m super glad to be on Christmas break!!! i hope you’re doing well also and i just wanted to lyk that i’ve also had ocd for a few years now and i know how much it fucking sucks so if you ever want to talk about it w someone i’m here xx

-noel

[181117] B.A.P Forever Tour in Philadelphia - Highlight of my Life

This was really one of the best concerts I’ve ever gone to. Despite being skeptical of JSJ from the beginning, I was still willing to risk it and buy the tickets. I was debating for a while to drop $400 or not for m&g but when you think about it, it was only $30 per photo with each of the boys (+ a hat, hoodie, and whistle) so that’s HELLA worth it.  So I dropped nearly $600 for this concert but for real it was SO worth it. I was even willing to go down by bus all by myself and possibly wandering the streets of philly late at night for it but luckily was able to catch a ride! 

These two BABYz gave out numbers from the very beginning like they marked down if you were plat or baby package and in the end JSJ and fans actually honored them! It was really great cuz we were able to leave the line to go to the bathroom or get food! BABYz around me were so nice and friendly too ;u; When it was time to go in to soundcheck and for the concert, we all actually got in order! It was REALLY nice like wow thank you philly babyz!! We were let in a little late for soundcheck cuz apparently bap was doing some kind of interview?? As for soundcheck, it was sooOOOoooOOO good!!! They kinda mixed up plat and baby but oh well whatever I still got like 3rd row so *^* WOOHOO! The stage was up really high and the venue was quite small, but philly crowd’s passion was explosive and powerful!! At the beginning of soundcheck Zelo kept like peeking out from the backstage door *^* they were ODing the fog machine so you could only see silhouettes at the door sometimes OTL. Daehyun was the first to come out! He came in this big puffer jacket and had earphones and and was smiling so cutely!! That wonderful wonderful kitty smile!! OH MY HEART PLEASE HAVE MERCY!! And then the others came out! <3 Zelo was wearing like PJ pants lmao the same one he wore in that IG pic of him in the truck, jongup was wearing leather (i think.....), himchan wore the tour hoodie, and youngjae wore a long coat. BUT YEAH the first song they did was TMJ and the crowd was hella LIT!!! Like everyone was singing their lungs out and jumping and being really really excited! We all started jamming out hardcore at the very first note of TMJ and I just knew it was about to be epic. BAP was sooo happy!! They really enjoyed it as well!  And then they did DWIF and omfg daehyun was soooo cute cuz we were so loud during the OH!! part that he was like :O!!!!! and gave us two thumbs up!! The others were really happy too!! And then Zelo was controlling the crowd with his hands LOL like he was making us go side to side like a wave and then jongup was doing this weird dance too lmaooo we hyped up each other so much! It was soo much fun ;A; too bad we couldn’t record but JSJ got a ( video )~!! Like just listen to BABYz singing along at the beginning!! ( dh shocked at 0:41, thumbs up at 0:51)

We had to go back outside again after the concert and that’s when the line got a little messy since now there was also GA peeps and the sidewalk is only so big to fit like 3 different lines. But it worked out in the end and we got in order!! AND YA GIRL GOT FCKN 2ND ROW HEEEEEEEEELLLL YEAHH!! I had a GREAT view!! There was actually quite a lot of space and like NO pushing!! (except this one bishhhh but whatever that’s another story -.- i’ll delete her from my memory) But wow pit was fCKN great like wow the fanchants!! The whistles!! NO PUSHING!! LIKE WHAT WOOOW I LOVE YOU (this was an all standing venue btw). When we were waiting for the concert to start, they played a bunch of their songs and everyone was scream-singing the lyrics (well more like trying to LOL we can’t korean) We had our own bap concert with an empty stage lmaooo 

AND AHHHH BAP WAS SOOOO GOOD AT FANSERVICE!!! Himchan noticed me like several times i fucking cRy!! He looked and waved at mee TWICE and like gestured to focus on zelo for recording and taking pics when it was his part AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Like last year he saw me struggling in pit (cuz that was HELL) and looked worried I CRY and he smiled at me too huuuhuuu himchan youre a fckn angel I LOVE YOU!!! I made a half heart at daehyun and hE FCKN COMPLETED IT I WAS ABOUT TO FCKN DIE RIGHT THEN AND THERE LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!! JOngup threw so many hearts and kisses at the crowd and youngjae blew so many kisses!! They were waving as much as possible to fans and daehyun, bless his heart, kept saying thank you!!thank you!! at any chance he could get!

During Q&A, bap spent the longest time arguing about harry potter houses pmsl and then yj was just like idk i never watched it (shame on you bro) and then himchan was like EXPECTRO PATRONUM!! (nerrRRRddddd). Jongup said he was fckn Dobby like bruH thats not even a house!!! YJ was like forget this!! and said, “PASS!!” Himchan said that he was Slytherin and then jongup said that Himchan would be fkcn Snape and did this dramatic coat sweeping straightening up his back thing LOL so himchan said Jongup would be a muggle pmsl Zelo did like a broom riding imitation??? irdk.... Next question was what was your favorite song that you’ve ever made. Jongup answered Photo and sang a little of it (so then where is the studio version biiSHHHhh) but lol BABYz were like SEXY CLAP!!!!!! Youngjae pulled out a question, looked at it and was like NOPE! and put it back pmsl! The next question was what tricks can Mochii do and then youngjae was frckn like body slamming zelo and jongup lmaooo. Zelo was sooooo cute he was telling the story of how Mochii bit in all in English!! He said how he was eating and was struggling to explain that Mochii was under the table so BABYz were helping him! He said that he dropped cheese and then Mochii went to eat it but Zelo tried to stop him. Mochii bit and and then Zelo was like “ooh! bloood! my dog is ...wildlife” but the way he said blood was soo cute like the oo in moon instead of “blud”  This sweet precious boy!! His English was so good!!!! The next question was to sing happy birthday to a BABY named Jenny (wow you LUCKY girl im sooo jelly omfg). So Zelo sings her hbd really dramatically lmao and they give her their sweaty towel and Zelo gave her a water bottle too!! They’re so sweet!!!!!!! 

During their other talk segment, Youngjae was like since our tour in america, philly has been the most passionate! So we all SCREAMED and cheered like crazy! Daehyun was like hold up!! AGAIN! and went to grab a phone. He made us all scream and cheer again so he could record it. The boys kept gesturing to scream louder and more and were totally enjoying the cheers! I hope we conveyed our love for them well enough!! Also Daehyun release that footage soon pls!!! He told us we did a good job screaming lmaoo! Youngjae kept making sounds for us to repeat lmao like ooOOoooo (idk how to describe it LOL) and then was like “maestro!” when trying to silence us with his fingers like a conductor LOL but we kept screaming things LOL someone was like “this is my first kpop concert!!” so youngjae was like “sounds good!” and gave a thumbs up. Jongup also did the conductor thing hahahah Daehyun promised to come back again next year and I REALLY REALLY hope that they do!!!! 

The solos were beyond amazing. Like rewatching youngjae and daehyun’s solos made me tear up like how do such beautiful voices exist in this world? Did I really hear those ethereal voices in real life? It was sooo mesmerizing and breathtaking! Youngjae’s gorgeous baritone voice singing that smooth ballad huuuhuuu my heEArt!!! Daehyun’s heartwrenchingly beautiful voice, song, and lyrics wow let me just lie down and drown in my tears rn bYE! DaeUp’s duet was so cool, Jongup’s TML was perfect as usual, Zelo’s solo was sinful oh my those hip and that peach *blushes* it was suuuper fun and Zelo enjoyed it a LOT too!!! He lifted up his shirt!! 

THEN IT WAS M&G TIME!!! They set up the background right in front of the stage. We lined up to go in and bap was standing like: jongup, youngjae, daehyun, himchan, zelo! It was plat individual photos first, then baby group + hi-touch, then plat group + hi-touch. BABYz really went for it!! Like a lot of us got hugs! We were able to watch the whole m&g but they didnt let us have our phones out ;A; (and I also had used up all 6.5 GB of space on my phone OTL) BAP were SOOOOOOOO sweet UGH we stan literal ANGELS!! They love BABYz so fricken much!! JSJ was sooo nice to allow a lot of fan interactions AHHHHHHHH BAP did a lot of cute poses and played around with BABYz! LEt mE TELL YOU THAT BAP IS SERIOUSLY SOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, HANDSOME, GORGEOUS, STUNNING, MESMERIZING, UP CLOSE HOW DID MY HEART EVEN SURVIVE?????? I GOT TO BEAR HUG EVERYONEEEE THEYRE ALL SO TALL AND IM HELLA SMOL SO THEY HAD TO SQUAT DOWN FOR ME HUUHUU THYE LIKE PATTED MY BACK DURING THE HUGS TOO AHHHHHH WE HAD A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME WITH ALL OF THEM!!! I TOLD DAEHYUN I SAW HIM IN KOREA IN ASU AND HE WAS LIKE OOOOOH THANK YOU!!! CURSES TO MY TINY AF VOICE CUZ I DONT THINK THEY ALL EVEN REALLY HEARD WHAT I SAID SOMETIMES!!! I told Zelo he was too tall for me lmaooo I really wanna see how much he had to bend down for me! I seriously wished that my m&g was recorded but :((((((((((( After my m&g I legit squealed and hugged my friend lmao but the staff yelled at us for being too loud LMAO BUT GIRL WE JUST HUGGED FCKN KINGS LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We tried to contain ourselves as much as possible LOL Daehyun said thank you out loud to a lot of BABYz after their m&g! Zelo kept dabbing at BABYz lmaooo a lot of them didnt notice tho cuz he would do it after they had already passed him HAHAHA when it was my hi-touch I dabbed at Zelo hahah and he dabbed back :D I wanted to get a group hug from them but i got too excited and FUCKING FORGOT to ask for a group hug *kicks myself* Now I wish I had written my name on a name tag (like “HI I’M JUNIE”) and hope they wouldve said “HI JUNIE”  but I didnt OTL 

I really wish I could relive the whole day. I wish I was able to record my m&g and got a group hug or them to say my name or I had said something more to them but it’s ok my heart is very very happy and I love bap soo much. My 7 year love for them continues and I will really love them forever. Let’s meet again soon, my loves! I’m looking forward to then~! 

Questions I want to ask from anyone who will answer this:

I was tagged by @glaive-eve​ to answer her questions and then create my own! So here they are! 

1. What was the last video game you played?

Overwatch lol.

2. Please describe the plot of the last movie you watched without telling the name of it or any of the characters.

I didn’t finish this but I saw parts of it: A woman of 16 feels she only brings dishonor to her family. While she’s in her feels, her father is called to go to war but he’s injured from the last one. She cuts her hair and sneaks away with his orders and uniform in order to impersonate him in the army. With a dragon sidekick and lucky cricket, she has a rough starts but quickly rises to the top of her company. Then again, all these men can’t tell she’s a woman so I wouldn’t say they’re the brightest or most skilled anyway. BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE. Anyway everything is going well, but then she and her company ship out to fight the enemy. Her super sexy commander learns his father dies and while he’s in his feels THEYRE ATTACKED BY THE ENEMY. The girl saves the day and the commander by covering the enemy in snow, BUT WHAT SHE DOESN’T REALIZE IS SHES BEEN HIT BY AN ARROW IN THE STOMACH. She passes out with sexy commander calling her name. When she wakes she’s bandaged up BUT ALAS HER SECRET IS EXPOSED. Captain Sexy is told to kill her, since she impersonated a soldier, but he doesn’t since she saved his life, he saves her. While sitting in the mountains and alone with her horse, dragon, and cricket she contemplates going home, a dishonor. BUT SHE FINDS THE ENEMY SURVIVED THE ATTACK AND HAS TO WARN COMMANDER SEXY AND THE SQUAD. She goes to tell him and he is like, “You’re a woman and liar, don’t talk to me.” She tries to warn them but they ignore her and SURPRISE, the enemy show up and take the leader hostage. So now the woman helps these men break into the palace with a little cross dressing, feminine charm, and honing their inner woman. Long story short, they save the day, rather the girl saves the day and the entire country. She’s given high honors from the king and gives a heartfelt good bye to her friends and commander sexy. When she gets home her father isn’t disappointed, just relieved she is safe. Everything is about to end well WHEN GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? THAT’S RIGHT SEXY COMMANDER MAN. HE’S THERE TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND IS ASKED TO STAY FOREVER.

The End

3. What kind of hair and clothing-style do you have?

Long blonde hair and honestly I dress nice but it’s not a “style”. Typical nigh out its boots, jeans, and cute top and cardigan or leather jacket.

4. What was the last thing that made you happy or feel good about yourself?

As vain as this sounds when people comment or make nice tags on my writings, I feel really giddy! I’m always kind of nervous to post my writings so when people react and enjoy them I feel really happy about it! I appreciate every single person who takes the time to read my work!

5. Do you know what your personality type is? Tell us!

ENFP

6. Are you in love?

Love is a lie and men are horrible. I’m kidding… but no I am not.

7. What do you think a perfect date is like?

Well to start it isn’t awkward. We don’t sit in silence until the other comes up with a topic to talk about. We maybe grab dinner first, possibly out at the beach and then take a stroll on the sand. Sounds corny but we wouldn’t hold hands, rather maybe walk in the water and pick up shells and talk about interests. After we could watch the sunset or go dancing. It’s iterally a scene from a Nicholas Sparks movie, without the crazy ex-husband or sad backstory.  

8. What is the most boring fact about you?

Lord I don’t know, I’m not an interesting person to start with. I’ve never had a cavity?

9. Is there a recent piece of (fan) art or writing that really touched you?

Actually there’s this piece someone did of Ignis, and it’s honestly the most flawless thing i have ever seen. I stare at this photo for minutes at a time so completely in awe of its beauty. Seriously it’s phenomenal. Here’s the link and the creator: Ignis Picture and @nikashepard

10. What do you like to do when you have time completely to yourself?

Lay in bed, play Xbox, go for a walk, or work on my writings. Not all at once of course.

11. If you had to describe yourself with three words, what would they be?

Funny, social, considerate

 Here are my 11 questions:

Name someone who makes you smile. Real or fictional.

If you could live in a fictional universe, which one would it be and why?

Stealing this from the person who tagged me, but what was the last movie you watched? Describe it without telling me the title.

Favorite video game?

Backstreet Boys or NSYNC?

If you could have any animal as a pet, what would it be?

Who is your dream guy/girl and why?

Tell me something you love about yourself!

If you could travel anywhere in the word where would you go?

Favorite Disney princess? Can also be non-Disney, because lets be real, Anastasia is great!

What is something you wished more people knew about you!

Tagging everyone who I would love to see answers from! 

@glaive-eve @bleucommelhiver @lucianhuntress @owldearest @promptoastandbutter @biirdfeeder @viperfishy