#the penguin would kill for Danny too I just don’t think he’d kill kids | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

greenglowinspooks · 7 months

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Alrighty fellas time for another one

(DPxDC) Batman Rogues ranked based on how good at parenting Danny (and co.) they would be

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Would probably actually be able to step up and be (relatively) good parents: The Penguin, Mr. Freeze.

They would have EXTREMELY different dynamics with Danny, but I think they could figure it out.

The Penguin would definitely only take in Danny to improve his reputation, and probably so that he could monopolize the use of a new meta’s abilities. (And perhaps to study him)

However, I think that attitude would last for at the absolute most a month, probably closer to two weeks, before he genuinely bonded with him. He’s like the dad who says he doesn’t want a pet, and then in a week they’re inseparable.

He’s not a good person, but I think he could probably end up being an awesome fucking dad. Also, there’s no way in hell anyone would mess with Danny. Not even close. If he found out Danny was getting bullied he’d ruin the bully’s fucking life.

He wouldn’t directly throw hands with a child, sure, but that’s only because it would look bad. He would, however, completely destroy their family’s careers and force them to leave Gotham out of shame.

Mr. Freeze is only a rogue because of his wife. Like, that’s it. He only wants (or wanted, depending on the version) for his wife to be cured and to live happily with her again. All of this is for her, either to help her or to avenge her.

That’s to say that yeah, if Danny managed to weasel his way into his heart, he would have a place with him forever.

He’d probably only interact with him at first because of the ice powers, but if Danny did manage to get closer to him (that’s a pretty big if) I think he’d do fucking anything for him, just like his wife.

He would raze the GiW to the ground for his boy.

They’d do alright probably. Nothing special, but it’d work out ok: Scarecrow, Ivy & Harley, Two-Face, Killer Croc.

Scarecrow is, funnily enough, not that bad. Like, is he genuinely deranged? Yes. Is he murderous and cruel? Yes. Does he have a moral compass that would absolutely support taking care of a child? Yes.

He’s been shown multiple times to genuinely care for people, even if it’s in his own way. Like, yeah, maybe fear-gas-themed murder and torture is a bit far sometimes, but it’s what he knows how to do.

Like, would he know how to take care of a kid? Hell no. But he does have a pretty good list of what not to do, courtesy of his own childhood, so he’d have a pretty alright start.

Ivy and Harley aren’t rated higher because I just don’t think they’d really be responsible enough for a child. I don’t doubt that they’d be able to love Danny, nor that they love each other, but they’re not very stable, and they don’t have a very good grasp on normalcy.

Like, they’d be incredibly cool aunts, or family friends, or something. I just don’t think that they’d do well being the sole guardians of a child or teenager.

I can’t stress this enough, I think they would genuinely love having Danny with all their hearts. I just don’t think that love alone is enough.

Avoiding that genuinely depressing thought, I think Two-Face would similarly be an awesome uncle to have, but wouldn’t do well at the actual “parenting” thing.

Like, he could keep a kid alive no problem, and he’d probably be awesome to have as a legal guardian and stuff, but there’s no way in hell he’d be able to keep Danny in line, for the sole reason of not really seeing a reason to.

However, if he got put in Arkham, he’d 100% not be above guilt-tripping Bruce into taking Danny in, so he does have backup options.

Killer Croc would be an awesome friend to Danny, but that man is in no way capable of being a parent.

He’s got a pretty short temper, and Danny is a little shit. There’d definitely be fighting. A lot of fighting. Croc still gets some points though because he’s a decent guy and I don’t doubt that he’d be willing to get help from the other rogues or even Batman should he need it.

Shouldn’t be trusted to keep a gerbil alive, yet are somehow still better at this than Maddie and Jack: The Riddler, Solomon Grundy

The Riddler is a childish, egotistical asshole with a bit of a god complex and a truckload of emotional baggage.

That being said, he’d still do better than Danny’s actual parents.

Partly because the bar is so low.

Like yeah, there’d be a lot of arguing, but I don’t think that he’d actually ever fight fight with Danny, mostly because he’d feel like he was turning into his father.

For the most part he’d be at the same level as Scarecrow or Killer Croc, I just put him lower because I think he’d forget to feed Danny sometimes. Still not as bad as the food coming alive to attack him though.

Solomon Grundy is pretty similar to Killer Croc in terms of how I think he and Danny would get along, I just think he’d be much worse at getting the things Danny needs to live and be happy.

He’d be cool as a weird uncle, or a friend, but he’d be pretty awful at being an actual parent.

The house is on fire, god is dead: Mad Hatter, Ra’s Al Ghul

Mad Hatter would have UNIMAGINABLE levels of beef with Danny. He would unironically throw hands with a child.

That being said, I think he’d genuinely like Danny.

Wouldn’t make up for anything, but I do think he’d at least not hate him.

Ra’s would be funny as hell no matter what.

He’d ALSO have unimaginable beef with Danny, but for entirely different reasons. He would spend all his time trying to convince Danny to become a member of the LOA and also to turn him fully immortal. Danny would buy him a “world’s okayest dad” mug and “I’m not the dad who stepped up” shirt. They would try to beat each other to death over Damian.

Danny would still probably choose him over Vlad in a heartbeat.

Getting dissected would have unironically been a better option: Joker

Your homework today is to watch Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker.

Because I know you won’t, I’m just gonna tell you that Joker has done some MK Ultra shit to a child before in order to mold it into a mini version of himself, and he’d absolutely do it again.

One of them would absolutely end up dead, and considering their track records, I’m not so sure it would be Joker.

#dcxdp #dc x dp #dp x dc #dpxdc #dp x dc crossover #catwoman isn’t on here because she would just give him to bruce immediately #on the bright side if Joker ever obtained another child through dubious means I don’t doubt that Harley and Ivy would beat him to death #honestly out of everyone here I think being adopted by two-face would be the most fun by far #like mr. freeze would be a lot better at being an actual parent but two-face would be fun as hell #also scarecrow would just straight up murder someone for bullying Danny this man is not above killing kids if they’re being dicks #he’s literally done the slasher routine for some girl after she found out her friends all hated her and he’d do it again #the penguin would kill for Danny too I just don’t think he’d kill kids #older teens are up for debate however

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sammysdewysensitiveeyes · 3 years

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“What was the thought process?!”

“I don’t know any more than you do, Shaw! The Quiet Council put this mission together!” Somehow, even when they should have been commiserating, Sebastian managed to make his complaints sound like accusations. Well, absolutely no damn part of this was Pyro’s fault.

“Of course, that pack of simpletons can’t be bothered to do things properly. It wouldn’t matter if it was just you, but I will not be treated like a cheap lackey.”

“Will you kindly shut the fuck up for five minutes, Shaw?” Pyro demanded, looking at the map. Sebastian, for all his complaints, had not deigned to take charge of it since they’d come through the gate 30 minutes ago. “There’s the mountain. Our contact should be somewhere around here.”

The mountain loomed dark and ominous over the grassland, with an actual black cloud obscuring its peak, like something out of a cartoon. There was obviously something nasty up there that needed to be dealt with. Strange dark tendrils curled down the rocky cliffs, and there were reports of eerie wailing at night. It wouldn’t be Krakoa’s problem, except there was a mutant living nearby who refused to relocate to the safety of the island. So they either had to deal with the problem, or convince the mutant to move out of harm’s way.

Except the mutant in question was nowhere to be found. Just peaceful grassland as far as the eye could see, with the mountain swelling up from the landscape like an ugly blackhead. Off in the distance, Pyro could see a group of horses grazing contentedly.

“Our contact couldn’t be bothered to meet us at the gate. We should have just turned around and gone home. I don’t know why Krakoa should lift a finger for a mutant that refuses to come to us. He chooses to remain on the outside, he should accept the responsibilities of – “

“Hey, fellas!” A shout interrupted Shaw’s rant.

Striding up to them was the most heart-breakingly beautiful young man that Pyro had ever seen. White-blond hair, perfectly formed features, and obvious muscles bulging under his flannel shirt, he looked like he’d strode right off the cover of one of Pyro’s own novels. Usually Pyro preferred his men a little more rugged-looking, like Dominic’s wonderfully rough features, but he was suddenly fantasizing about this young man emerging from a lake in a see-through white shirt.

Oh shit, what if he was a telepath? What if he was yet another Frost sibling? Pyro shoved the image out of his mind, and thought very hard about a Youtube video he’d seen earlier of a penguin falling over.

“I suppose you’re the contact?” Sebastian demanded. He was walking right up to Eros-given-mortal-form while Pyro stood transfixed, and it was like watching an ogre charge an elf. Pyro had to fight the urge to leap between them and drive the beast back with a flaming sword. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to inconspicuously smooth it down.

Fucking hell, Allerdyce, get ahold of yourself. Shaw will never let you live it down.

“That’s right,” said the cup-bearer Ganymede, who would surely be carried off by Zeus soon. Even his voice was beautiful, his Southern accent giving his words a musical lilt. “Sorry I wasn’t right there at that big funny-lookin’ gate, I got worried about the herd. Whatever’s up there is bad news. I’d check it out myself, but I don’t want to leave the horses. Who’d take care of them if something happened to me?”

“Yes, yes, of course you have a noble reason for cowardice,” Sebastian said, waving a hand dismissively.

“And anyway, it’s our job, that’s why we’re here,” said Pyro, stepping forward. He realized that he had put himself just slightly between Shaw and Paris of Troy. “We’ll get it all sorted out for ya,” he added, giving the young man a friendly smack on the shoulder.

“Well, that’s a doozy of an accent, isn’t it? Where you from, England?” Thankfully Prince Charming had missed, or chosen to ignore Sebastian’s completely unecessary dig.

“Australia, actually,” Sebastian interjected before Pyro could speak. “And I imagine you’ve greatly offended Allerdyce’s national pride by mixing the two up.”

“Shucks, I’m sorry – “

“Oh, no!” Pyro exclaimed. “Not at all. Very similar accents, easy to mistake.”

“You’re the ones who say g’day, right? Like Crocodile Dundee!”

“Yes, exactly!” Pyro beamed. He’d started bar fights over being called Crocodile Dundee. Or being called British. Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m Pyro, by the way, and Oscar the Grouch over there is Sebastian Shaw. You don’t have to be nice to him.” He shook the young man’s hand.

“Anyway, I’m your ride,” the Adonis said,with a shy smile. “I can get you up to the top of that mountain, lickety-split.”

“Oh, teleporter, are ya? That’s right handy,” Pyro said.

“Or he could be a speedster, let’s not jump to conclusions, Allerdyce,” Sebastian put in.

“No, it’s something a bit different than that,” said the divine creature carved from marble and bathed in Apollo’s fire. He shifted suddenly, his torso stretching and changing in a way that reminded Pyro of Mystique. And then there was a winged centaur standing in front of them, and Pyro wondered if he’d fallen into Narnia. Or maybe that one book, with the kids and the Tesseract.

“My mutant name is Eques, but you can call me Danny if you like.” Pyro tried not to gape. Somehow, the winged horse form had made the other mutant even more attractive, and Pyro wasn’t even into horses…but he was starting to understand the teenage girl obsession with them. “Danny’s” clothing had disappeared as he shifted (one of the X-Men’s unstable molecule suits, no doubt), and now he was….basically naked. Horse form meant all the important bits were hidden, but still. Pyro pinched the inside of his wrist very hard and tried to think about cricket.

“Oh, shape-shifting,” Sebastian said, sounding mildly bored. “I suppose that’ll do. But surely there are more practical…and larger things that you can change into.”

“I’m afraid not,” said Danny, biting his lip and pawing with one hoof on the ground in a way that was positively adorable. “It’s a very specific mutation. I can turn into this and only this. But don’t worry, I’m strong enough to carry you both. We can fly up.” He flapped his wings for emphasis.

Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Really? Have we crossed over into some children’s cartoon?”

“C’mon Shaw, he’s here to help us. Of course, you can walk up the mountain if you prefer,” Pyro said.

“Oh no, I wouldn’t dare leave you alone with him,” Sebastian said, smirking at Pyro, who scowled back. “Who knows what you two would get up to? Besides, it’s better than the hike. Marginally. Let’s get this over with.”

Before Pyro could protest, Sebastian had lifted him up by the shoulders and plopped him unceremoniously on Danny’s back, then climbed on behind him.

“Sure we aren’t too heavy for ya? I know Shaw here must weigh a ton.” Pyro leaned in to speak in Danny’s ear, and tried not to notice how centaur’s thick, shimmering hair, radiant in the sunlight and making Pyro’s own golden locks seem like tarnished brass, smelled faintly of eucalyptus.

Should I compliment his hair? Maybe ask what shampoo he uses, pretend like I want advice? God damn it, St. John, snap out of it and act normal!

“Not all, fellas!” Danny exclaimed, with a bright, guilless smile. “I’m strong as a horse, too, this is nothing. But you’d better hold on as I take off, wouldn’t want you to fall.”

“Where should we, uh….” Pyro faltered. Much as he wanted to slip his hands over Danny’s muscular chest (for safety!) he didn’t want to be a creep. Also, if he wasn’t careful, his….interest…would start to become noticeable in the most humiliating way possible.

“Oh, anywhere’s fine, just hang onto me as best you can,” Danny drawled. Before Pyro could lift his hands, Sebastian reached forward, wrapping his arms around the centaur’s waist and squishing Pyro between them.

“Get off me, Shaw!” Pyro squirmed, pressed against Danny’s back, with Shaw’s massive, unyielding bulk behind him. God damn it, he was now dangerously close to being caught between a rock and a….hard place.

“Stop whining, Allerdyce, this is the best way to ensure we both stay on. I certainly don’t trust you to hang on with those weak arms of yours. We are secure, Eques. Proceed.”

“Why’d you even take the back, then?” Pyro demanded, but his question was answered as Danny leaped into the air, flapping violently. The wings beat hardest around Pyro’s head, powerful back muscles twitching uncomfortably against him. Well, at least having Sebastian Shaw’s gross, sweaty body pressed up against him, smelling faintly of fuck-you Rich People Cologne, was enough to kill his would-be boner quite dead. Especially with Sebastian’s no-doubt obscenely hairy crotch up against his rear, with –

Wait a minute. What was that?!

“Shaw, what the hell?” Pyro turned slightly, but Sebastian gripped Danny tighter, pushing him back forward. The hard object pressing against his ass shifted.

“It’s my cell phone, Allerdyce, for God’s sake. No need to jump to conclusions just because you’re all hot and bothered.”

Pyro wondered whether it was possible to set Sebastian on fire without hurting Danny. Just a little bit on fire. And then if he fell, it wouldn’t be Pyro’s fault, right?

“Gosh, this is kinda fun, fellas!” Danny yelled above the roar of the wind. “I’m always out here with the horses, and that’s just how I like it, but it does get kinda lonely. I don’t get to see other mutants very often.”

“Well, I’m sure you’d get a warm welcome if you ever came to join us on Krakoa,” Sebastian said. Pyro slammed an elbow back against him, but Sebastian just gripped tighter.

“Don’t even think about it, Allerdyce,” he said in Pyro’s ear. “I’ll take you down with me, make no mistake of that.”

“Say, Eques,” Sebastian called up in a louder voice. “Have you ever met Emma Frost? Let me tell you all about her, I’m sure you’d have a great deal to…discuss.”

Pyro fumed quietly, and fantasized about Sebastian smashing into the jagged rocks below for the rest of the trip.

(OOC: I don’t know what Eques should sound like, but I saw he was from Texas and wound up writing him like Cannonball. Since he’s always so isolated with his horses, I could imagine him being very naïve, but also very friendly.

Pyro is intensely thirsty, and failing to play it cool, but can you really blame him?

I have no idea what’s on top of that mountain. Let’s just assume that Pyro, Sebastian and Danny are going up to Midnight Castle to fight Tirac with the Rainbow of Light, and if you understand that reference you win a million 80’s nostalgia points.)

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