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applestorms · 1 year

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i'm in a bit of a john mood atm, so i wanted to write a post about some of the things that i think fanon gets wrong about him. the biggest thing is that imo a lot of people flatten john a ton in considering him the poster child for Homestuck™ as a story, which sucks because i think it should go the opposite way around. he's the prototype kid, yes, but that just means his unique traits have interesting implications for the rest of the story and homestuck's core themes, not that he doesnt have any unique traits to begin with. john informs homestuck of its themes, the story doesn't inform him of his character traits; sburb gives him the kernelsprite, but he & his friends are the ones doing the prototyping.

so, then, what are those character traits? who is john as a person and how does that inform the story as a whole?

TL;DR: if jade's overarching story arc is about the struggle of loneliness & isolation, john's is about the feeling of falling behind your peers, which is why i think his ending the story depressed works so well

trapped in the s(u)burbs

okay, argument: SBURB is clearly pronounced "sss-burb," like suburb but skipping over the first u. when the kids enter the session they are basically trapped in the world of the game until they can beat it and make the new universe -> they are trapped in the s(u)burbs -> they are home, stuck.

this is a weird line of thought but it's kinda interesting to go through the ways that the (human) kids are trapped in their homes, both physically and emotionally. rose is stuck in that she lives seemingly in the middle of fuckin' nowhere surrounded by a forest, dave is stuck in his apartment due to being watched by an abusive parent, and jade, jake, roxy, & dirk are all stuck in the middle of the ocean. john (and jane) however? they're just in the suburbs.

idk how much this cultural context translates to people living in other countries, but john & jane's original neighborhood is the fucking Epitome of modern american suburbia. i cannot emphasize enough just how much i fucking despise neighborhoods like this: sprawling and empty, they are a modern labyrinth to navigate. every single house looks like it was copy and pasted one spot over, the streets are all named the same thing but with slight differences ("Bluejay Road" vs. "Bluejay Lane" vs "Bluebird Court" HELL), driving through them is agony and walking is impossible. my dad pointed out to me one time that every single house looks like it was painted with a different shade of baby shit and he was correct. and this is not even mentioning the people that live there: i don't want to overgeneralize too much, but these houses are usually pretty big and the fact that they're supposed to be a "safer" place to raise kids makes them decently expensive, so these places are generally very white, very upper-middle class, and you can just. Feel It in the air

so this is where john starts his story. the page (A1:82) was one of the first things that caught my eye when reading homestuck originally, even as a dumb little preteen the age of the characters themselves with barely any greater social consciousness. john starts the story fucking around in his room, talking to all of his friends online, and who could ever blame him when it's such an american wasteland outside. not to get too far into my opinions on american architecture, but if you live anywhere in the united states and ESPECIALLY the suburbs you are basically trapped in the house until you can get your license at 16, transportation entirely at the whims of where your parents can/want to drive you. it makes sense, then, that john's aspect is breath and so heavily tied to transportation, a desire to get out and moving and interacting with the world. the sick irony of sburb, imo, is how that desire is later twisted against him.

when john first enters the session, meteors are beginning to destroy the world and the rest of the entire human population of earth. but to a kid for whom the entire world feels so far away and empty, how much does that really matter? especially when your internet friends, the few people you actually care about, are just going to enter the same game and escape along with you. speaking of,

2. social anxiety & internet friends

one thing i really like about the alpha kids is the fact that you can kinda reverse engineer them and their core character traits from the beta kids, which actually still works within the logic of canon if you consider their biological relationships. not only do the alphas and betas share chumhandle initials, but the person they share with is also the person they are most similar to across generational lines:

rose & dirk are both anal retentive motherfuckers + rose's interest in psychology informs dirk's interest in philosophy/old greek dudes, roxy & dave care about their friends to a fault and serve their needs constantly (emotionally vs. practically, maybe; and also maybe are in love with all their friends to some degree or another too?), jane & jade both have ties with their respective universe-iteration's first guardian and are mentally separated from everyone else at the start of their arcs (jane by not believing roxy and jade by getting prospit visions).

imo rose & dirk have the strongest connection and jade & jane the weakest, and each kid is also pretty unique on their own + informed by their more direct familial relationship too, but i think the chumhandle connection is key in understanding how the characters were initially created in terms of basic personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. since it fits with the stacking nature of how homestuck as a whole functions, both as a story and a world.

so: john & jake. i think fandom has actually done a good job with learning how to appreciate jake better in recent years by figuring out just how much of a persona he puts on to hide his intelligence, but since this is a john post, what's really interesting to me is how that might inform the way we view john.

to start, there are some really obvious connections between john & jake that are as clear as jake's first letter to john (A4:1955): both like pretty shitty movies, are allergic to peanuts, and they're practically identical in terms of appearance. what i see as the key connection however, which informs the entirety of homestuck's medium, is their shared social anxiety.

jake is a very socially anxious dude. all of the alphas are characterized by their inability to communicate and navigate interpersonal relationships, but this is especially true for jake, and i think the most obvious evidence for this is in the specific kind of character that he creates for himself. while realistically we know that jake spends most of his time (pre-brobot, at least) watching movies alone in his room, he specifically likes to take on the persona of an adventurous, extroverted action hero, charming and gentlemanly and generally a dumb jock. it's the dumb part that's important here: jake pretends to be a dumbass himbo so that when he fucks up and hurts people when he manipulates them into doing what he wants, he doesn't have to shoulder as much guilt/blame. he plays up being stupid specifically to avoid the agony of people being mad at him, caring way too much about other people's opinions (A6A2:4587). it's why the trickster arc is so painful for him, and also why he is so non-confrontational.

john is also pretty socially anxious, though i think it's a lot more subtle for him since john's upbeat personality isn't entirely a facade in the way that it is for jake. the most obvious evidence for this is again the fact that he only talks to, like, three people online and his dad. despite being 13, none of these kids ever mention jack shit about school or the other members of humanity about to be murdered by meteors from their own game, and i think that's more than just a necessity of the story considering how much homestuck seems to value realism (at least in terms of characters' emotional reactions & arc). john's dad (as pipefan413) clearly knows the neighbors since in the serious business chatting app you can see fedorafreak & the others also talking about escaping meteors, but the existence of any other kids in the neighborhood is unknown, though i would think likely considering john's early arc is set up to be as normal as possible to set up for the crazy bullshit later. (there's also the whole thing about john's peanut allergy + fear of the "peanut gallery" so)

since homestuck tells almost its entire story through the chatlogs of awkward teenagers, this is one key place where i think john's personality informs homestuck: namely, in its focus on isolation, loneliness, and growing up. SPEAKING OF,

3. childhood ignorance

jake isn't dumb, john isn't dumb, but why do so many people think that they are? for jake it's pretty clearly cause he wants it that way, but for john... i think it's cause he kind of. is? but also, he isn't. let me explain:

john often comes across to me as the most 13 year old 13 year old in the cast of homestuck. he's a sweet kid and intelligent enough for his age, but when that age is 13, there's not necessarily a lot there. john has also had the closest (closest. there's still a lot of weird shit there) thing to a Normal™ childhood out of the entire cast of homestuck (and yes that includes jane, she was the heiress to a corporate empire avoiding assassination attempts at 16, please don't call that shit normal), meaning that, in my opinion, a lot of his (lack of) maturity can be attributed to growing up pretty sheltered. where dave and rose had to contend with overt childhood abuse through toxic/neglectful parents, and even jade had to deal with a dog-parent & dead grandpa, john got a dad that actually cared about him.

this is not a bad thing in and of itself, but john being sheltered does mean that by the time they are actually entering the game and interacting with all these other worlds & alien peoples, he is imbued with a certain distinct ignorance of the greater world that becomes a very significant weakness in a story fucking dripping with semi-omniscient narrators that live to make you suffer. and, from the way he scribbles on the walls (A3:1049), this is something john is both aware of and frustrated with, calling himself a FOOL, tying to the tarot card (#1, his role as protagonist), the harlequin thing (clowns & their incredible pull on the meta of homestuck), & his anxieties (feeling ignorant & out of your depth stepping out of childhood into a world much broader and more complex and cruel than you're prepared for)

4. not a homosexual

i think i'm gonna run out of space here, so i'm just gonna copy & paste some hussie commentary here & maybe reblog this w/ some analysis of john & karkat's dynamic/parallels as "leaders" later (and maybe some june thoughts too):

5. successfully saved the world: the hero is depressed

okay, so earlier in part 1 i ended with a question:

but to a kid for whom the entire world feels so far away and empty, how much does that really matter?

i mostly left the answer to this implied earlier since it made more sense for the transition, but i think homestuck proper does give us an answer to this: it does matter! it just isn't until the end of the story, after they've won the game and finished the session, that it really starts to set in the extent of what they've lost.

so this entire post was largely motivated by another post i read earlier, which questioned why john in the snapchat credits didn't just go to live with the crockers. i gave a long ass commentary in the notes on that post, but my conclusion was basically this: john is depressed (!!!) and depression makes you apathetic & lose all motivation to do anything.

i've focused a lot on john's early life and the beginning of the story in this post, which is maybe in part because i've been rereading from the beginning recently, but also because john kind of loses touch with everyone else in the story as soon as he enters the session.

i think this is often read as just being a product of john's classpect, heir of breath. john doesn't just inherit breath when he godtiers, he also becomes it in a very literal sense (can't fucking find the page where he transforms into wind but ugh, whatever), so he when he literally loses touch with the reality of the story after gaining his retcon powers, it follows with the thematic concept of him being breath. this isn't bad, but i think it also goes further, again connecting with that idea that john is basically the "main character" of homestuck, which is actually a very unfortunate title as it means john in particular gets very wrapped up sburb & the story as a whole in a very literal sense. again: retcon powers.

for all my frustrations with the execution of the retcon, i can't deny that it makes a shit ton of sense for john to get those kinds of powers, since his character and position as the starting kid has always been so closely entwined with the story of homestuck as a whole (see: the entire rest of this post). it also ties back to that idea of john being particularly vulnerable as a naive kid in a world of maliciously omniscient characters (e.g. doc scratch, but also vriska/terezi & all of the trolls to some degree), puppetted around by the story and slowly losing all connections with "reality" and the rest of the cast (his friends!!)

you know all those scenes where john starts interacting w/ the shittily-drawn caliborn versions of all his friends? (or this page: (A6I5:6207)) that has always come across as kind of sad to me, because it feels representative of john's (lack of) connections to his friends by that point in the story. he gets so swept up in Plot Bullshit that he basically loses most of the contact he has w/ the people that were his closest friends for years (ik people hate inversion theory but he & karkat really are complementary in some ways), and that loss of connection just exacerbates his previous anxieties about being ignorant. the conversation between him, dave, & karkat on the meteor is really revealing of this (A6A6I5:7487). where dave & karkat & everyone else got three years to sort through their shit together, john was getting dragged off to make the story make sense again, technically completely losing everyone he had known and grown up with. it's not just that dad crocker is different: everyone is different.

(this also has the kind of even more depressing alternate implication that john doesn't even really get the chance to feel that difference outside of jade, since he wasn't able to connect with "his" original dave, rose, etc. in the pre-retcon timeline regardless. great!)

john's depression has always been one of my favorite parts of his character arc tbh, which ig is a weird thing to say, but it just makes so much sense to me as the next step in his story, if not the true conclusion. it's only after winning the game that john really starts to catch up with everyone else in terms of maturity and understanding, and by that point, when everyone already feels so far ahead, how could he possibly catch up? (the answer is that he can, just not alone, but it is that exact feeling of not being able to that makes him isolate in the first place. depression is a fucking shithole)

so much of homestuck is about loneliness, but in turn so much of homestuck is also about social connections, about the people around you that you love and care about and change your life. where karkat is able to heal the connections of the people around him by helping them through their interpersonal relationship bullshit, john gets caught in the wind of the plot and loses his connections, thus losing his ability to really mature as a person at the same rate as everyone else (not to mention how he might've felt behind in the first place). but still, even w/ john's arc ending on a heavy, perhaps unsatisfying note at the end of homestuck proper, i like to think there's still a lot of hope for him: after all, his dearest friends and family are all right there. he just needs to get off his ass and start talking to them.

(sidenote: while editing this part of the post, i suddenly realized just how sad it is that karkat and john talk so goddamn little in all of the post-canon shit. which fucking sucks actually because karkat would be the perfect person to yell at someone until they finally get off their ass and start trying to be a person again, exactly what john needs after the game imho. pumpkin route you are forming in my mind)

uhh anyways, i don't know how good of a job i did at tying this post back to my original goal, but if you read this far, thank you. i have been typing nonstop for like four straight hours (ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᶦʳᵗᵉᵉⁿ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢˀ) and i think my right ring finger is about to fall off.

bonus: 6. john is hussie???

OKAY, actual finale, this is quick and dumb but this idea comes pretty much entirely from a couple random lines of hussie commentary from a john & dave conversation on (A2:324):

John makes some pretty sassy quips here. I like the "15th day in a row" line, which makes sense since I was the one who actually said it in a real conversation about this.

most people make the connection between hussie & dave (& dirk, i suppose) since dave's sense of humor is basically just unfiltered hussie, but this comment makes me wonder what was put into john too (though i suppose you could consider all fictional characters imbued with some aspect of their author). i'm not super into psychoanalyzing hussie as a person through homestuck itself, but if you're into that, here ya go.

#the one thing this post is missing is the significance of john's movie taste #but unfortunately i think i'm too young and i grew up on basically none of that shit so :skull:#someone else is gonna have to make up for that #hs #astronaut rambles #super long post #wrote this while procrastinating an actual essay are you proud of me #i like john if you couldn't tell i vibe with june a lot #probably cause i kinda physically look like her + peanut allergy lol #and her childhood is vaguely similar..... idk i just get the arc kinda #shoutout to the homestuck wiki btw #saved my ass #i wrote this all in one sitting and now i kinda hate myself for it #fingers hurt #homestuck #john egbert #The John Post #update: edited!

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brave-clarice · 3 years

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“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 1

Here are my extremely unfashionably late takes! They’re long, so strap in if you want.

okay, I genuinely thought the scenes in Gumb’s basement were ripped from the film for a second. extremely well done.

I both appreciate that they’re acknowledging the Bureau-mandated psych eval Clarice would have to go through (not sure she’d have to have another one a year later?)...

...but I sure wish they hadn’t chosen to open this show in a therapy-like session. it’s going to be subject to enough NBC comparisons as it is.

gosh, Rebecca Breeds is so pretty, and in the same almost, idk, elfin kind of way Jodie Foster is.

“Bride of Frankenstein”! a novel reference! and a Hannibal Lecter reference even though they can’t use his name! I’m excited

I was afraid of this part, though--everyone’s going to call her “Clarice” aren’t they?

it’s very significant that in the books, Hannibal is virtually alone in using her first name to address her; even Ardelia calls her “Starling.” but of course this series chose “Clarice” as its title, so...

“the checkout lady at the Safeway asked me to autograph a melon” omg

so Clarice has supposedly been “mandated” to see an FBI therapist for an entire year? hmm.

tbh, this feels kind of like a proxy for Hannibal’s scenes in the movie, especially with the therapist calling her “Clarice.” not sure if I dig it.

“...given that your last therapist was an inmate” Hannibal reference #2!

they’re explicitly talking about Hannibal without being able to name him and it’s hilarious, frustrating, and immensely satisfying all at once.

there’s no way to avoid talking about him altogether without being disingenuous to Clarice’s eventual character arc, so I’m glad they’re ripping off the band-aid early

“you let that relationship be intimate” Yeah, Clarice and Hannibal’s relationship IS intimate and YOU! SHOULD! SAY IT!!!

it’s kind of ridiculous for this guy/the show not to acknowledge that little trainee Clarice was sent to see Hannibal by someone who should’ve known better. That Crawford was doing it with the intention to save lives doesn’t mean he didn’t use the shit out of Clarice.

that’s not to take away her agency or minimize the choices she made after she met Hannibal. She wouldn’t have been in a position to make those choices if Crawford hadn’t arranged it, though.

even if they don’t have the rights to Crawford’s name, either (I have to assume that’s the case) couldn’t they at least mention this??

“hasn’t seen her own family in years” Are they actually going to address Clarice’s maybe-dead-maybe-not mother (depending on the canon they adopt, book or film) and possible siblings??? Please tell me they are!

Clarice’s “egregious” PTSD doesn’t have much to do with Buffalo Bill ofc, and this therapist seems to be making excuses to be the first in a long line of men getting in the way of Clarice’s career goals...

...which she recognizes and confronts him about. Call him out!!!

*Anthony Hopkins voice* That’s my girl.

the way she’s been written in this scene gives me a lot of hope going forward! she’s funny, she doesn’t take any sexist bullshit, she’s calm and polite but you get a glimpse of the rage underneath.

wow, they promoted Senator Martin to Attorney General!

the opening credits (if you can even call them that) are a let-down, though

she has her beads!

can anyone who’s not Hannibal please stop calling her Clarice

wonder if they’re going to touch on any of the extreme tension that existed between Senator Martin and Clarice in the novel? they didn’t interact in the movie, but in the book, Martin is under intense stress, and it doesn’t go smoothly.

of course in “Hannibal,” Martin invites her to “ride horses,” so they obviously reconciled after Catherine’s rescue and kept in some kind of touch.

and speak of the devil: horses! (and Catherine)

“I can’t have a reputation, I’ve only done it once” Thank you for being the voice of reason, Clarice.

“Paul Krendler” *ugly screaming commences*

“you don’t have any people, Clarice” Aaand that’s the plot of the Hannibal novel!

looks like they even gave her the ring Jodie’s Clarice wears!

oh yeah, this Krendler looks like a sumbitch if I ever saw one. No one will ever be as perfectly cast as the dude in Silence imo, but a much better fit than Ray Liotta.

“small carat, but it’s a sweet ring” A very in-character observation probably directly informed by her comments about nail polish in Silence.

she mentions this victim’s nail polish (!) being “tasteful,” and I shrieked a little again.

I understand it’s necessary for Krendler to be a douche, but there’s not even going to be any payoff for the audience (or Clarice) when Hannibal eats him, so boo.

wait...wait, why aren’t Clarice and Ardelia in their Alexandria duplex? They’re not just best friends, they’re roommates! For the entire seven-year story! GIVE ME THE DUPLEX!!!

BUT points for Ardelia bringing Clarice a treat, since she was always leaving her candy bars in the Silence book!

Clarice interacting with the washer/dryer is a nice nod to the books, too.

speaking of... “What did we learn in the laundry room back at Quantico?” For some reason this line made me actually cry, I guess because this whole episode has been such a love letter to something I love so dearly, and it’s making me emotional.

FIRST PRINCIPLES!

DESPERATELY RANDOM!!!

wow, the men in Clarice’s new office giving her lotion as a hazing “welcome” gift is awful, and now I’m just mad (which is the point of the scene ofc).

so this ex-military OC is the John Brigham stand-in, I take it?

if that means John Brigham won’t be here, No Thanks.

Clarice telling him she’ll drive...a tribute to Dana “Why Do You Always Have to Drive?” Scully, perhaps (who was herself inspired by Clarice) as well as a nod to Clarice’s love of cars?

“Why do they call you the bride of Frankenstein?” Sorry, I don’t have the legal rights to tell you about my last intimate relationship.

“Already on my way to West Virginia Granny Witch” Look, this show could crash and burn from this scene on, and it would still have been worth it just for these first 25 minutes.

I like that Clarice is shown wanting to help people, and the scene of her with the baby is a nice call-back to the eventual shoot-out at the beginning of “Hannibal”...but I hope they don’t try to domesticate her too much. Clarice needs her hard edges. To be tough (reasonably so)--a cub growing into its big cat’s claws.

also, somehow I doubt that Miss Valedictorian spent her six years in the Lutheran home “changing a lot of diapers,” but sure, okay. If her siblings are alive in this, she might have changed their diapers!

even though Krendler’s a real dickwad so far, he’s not slimy enough for me. Needs more grease.

“I got a call from your therapist who’s concerned that you might genuinely flip out” I really do not like this subplot Sam-I-Am. Aren’t the huge glass ceiling/Boys’ Club obstacles enough?

seriously, though, I know Hannibal tells her that the metaphorical lambs will come back--at the end of Silence, though, she’s at some kind of temporary peace, not in danger of “flipping out” any time soon.

if Esquivel really is our Brigham stand-in, I’ve got...problems with that. He was Clarice’s teacher and became her friend, not some Krendler double-agent. (Also worried they’re setting him up as a love interest for her which...eesh, no thanks.)

and sorry, I actually hate that Catherine kept Precious the dog in this.

I have no problem with Catherine being a character, or with her interacting with Clarice...that said, I don’t know if her being shown as severely traumatized and reaching out to Clarice as a form of emotional lifeline is...a good idea?

I understand the symbolism of Catherine’s smashed mirror, but...smashed mirrors are already a Thing in this series (albeit not Clarice’s chapter in it), and that’s all I can think of here.

Catherine’s a victim of unthinkable trauma. Nevertheless...she’s talking to the woman who saved her life. Who risked death to do it. I just don’t like the way this scene is written. Apparently, in this show’s canon, Catherine hasn’t gotten the help she needs. But Clarice isn’t her therapist, and it’s upsetting to have Catherine being all “I’ll never be safe and neither will you.”

how does Catherine remember “the mannequins, the autopsy table”?? And why is she throwing them in Clarice’s face?

I’m going to stop talking about this scene now because it’s making me angry and a little upset, which is maybe the point? I just don’t think it’s written well. If Catherine’s going to be a recurring character, I hope she’s shown getting professional, medical help.

Clarice finding the victim’s papers in the box of pads is a direct callback to her finding the photos in the jewelry box in Silence. Nice.

let’s agree that Hannibal and Crawford are both in Ardelia’s (too-cutesy-for-me) book

another nice little X-Files homage?

I have some qualms about that big climax, but...meh. It was capital-F Fine.

Yikes, this is a full week late. Thanks for reading this entirely-too-long post through to the end, if you’re still here!

To sum up my thoughts...

The Good:

the visual connections to the Silence film (that green coat/blue knit scarf combo in particular)

Rebecca Breeds’ performance overall so far

Clarice’s strong writing/characterization

her sense of humor and her inclination to call out bullshit

maybe it was just me, but I also got a sense of Hannibal’s influence on her in some of her dialogue--her blunt observations--and I love it

Ardelia Mapp

the repeated in-your-face references to Hannibal Lecter

the respectful, non-exploitative way the victims were treated by the narrative.

let’s just say, not all Harris-inspired shows managed to do this. :)

the many, many allusions to the novel

“you let that relationship be INTIMATE” !!!

The Bad:

the near-constant implication that all Clarice’s trauma stems from her experiences in Gumb’s basement

I just don’t understand this one...it’s not supported by the text imo

the “Clarice-is-a-psychological-loose-canon” subplot

almost everyone calling her “Clarice”

NO DUPLEX IN ALEXANDRIA! Boo!

Esquivel maybe replacing Brigham

the narrative choices they’ve made surrounding Catherine so far.

Seriously: please let Catherine seek/get help instead of screaming “HELP ME” at Clarice, who after all risked her own life to save Catherine’s, over the phone.

The Ugly: Paul Krendler, lol. Confession time: I also don’t care for the way they’ve styled her hair. Not sure why it bugs me, it just...does.

Overall, I’m thrilled to death with this. I was so afraid it would be disappointing, so even if it’s not a five-star episode (and pilots rarely are), it’s a great beginning! It’s beyond amazing to see our girl on the screen again. Just this hour-long episode did her character way more justice than the entire Hannibal film. Despite its shortcomings, it’s such a loving homage to characters and a story that mean a lot to me, and I love it just for that.

Going forward, I’d like to see more of Clarice as a person. Her hobbies and interests--cars, sharpshooting, running, fashion magazines stuffed under her bed, horseback riding, her total inability to cook...anything would do. I of course want to see more of her with Ardelia. I want to hear more about her backstory and find out which version of it (truly orphaned when her father dies or sent away by her mother) they’ll choose to explore. And while we all agree that this show is about Clarice and she don’t need no man, I won’t lie: I’d gobble up more sly references to Hannibal. He’s her endgame, after all.

I’d also like to really see the warrior underneath. There are flashes of her in the last twenty minutes of this episode. But Clarice Starling is a big cat, she’s a warrior, she’s between iron and silver. I’d hate for her to spend most of this show doe-eyed and traumatized. I want her to be ferocious, to see the woman who’s a match for the monster.

Krendler needs to get nastier. He should make us feel like we need to shower. In the novels, he wants to use Clarice--only for her body. And when she won’t allow him to, he takes his revenge. That’s what makes him so particularly awful. Let’s amp him up here.

And finally...maybe I’ll appreciate Catherine’s scene more on a second watch. Maybe I’m not being sensitive enough to her trauma, her struggles. But I didn’t like the way that scene was staged or scripted, and I didn’t like the suggestion that she just hasn’t gotten help after a year and is subsequently taking her pain out on Clarice on some level. I hope future episodes handle this subplot, and her character, a bit better.

Please let me know if you guys would like me to do another of these monstrosities for the next episode. (I promise it won’t take me an entire week this time!) And thank you again for reading!!!

#Clarice Starling #clarice #cbs clarice #rebecca breeds #media [cbs show]#char [clarice starling]#I'm sorry again about how amazingly late this is heh #you've probably all watched and processed by now and have moved on to Episode 2 but I am slow

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monikafilefan · 5 years

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Dinner and Desire

This was written for the Easter exchange @gaycrouton set up. I never posted it myself so here is the first section just in case you might be interested in reading the rest. Tagging @today-in-fic @cultureisdarkbeer @peacenik0 for the beta!

“‘If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you…’” Mulder sang under his breath for quite possibly the 50th time within the last three days, and Cher wasn’t the only woman’s voice that he consistently heard swirling through his mind.

Scully had been stuck at Quantico since Tuesday, where she sliced and diced exactly 36 miles away from where he tossed balled up paper across the office. He heard her sighing his name over the phone as she cut open John Doe Number Three. He listened to the echo of her neck popping in the morgue as she stared through the microscope at John Doe Number Five’s freshly removed tissue. He heard her breathy laugh tickle his ear as he covered her computer monitor with sticky notes while repeating the inappropriate joke he was told in the elevator that day. He even grinned like a fool when he heard her whisper how much she missed him before hastily ending his last call.

Mulder was left to his own unproductive devices for the last 72 hours as Scully’s agile fingers spent their time searching for missing clues within chest cavities. All the while, Mulder itched to search for that special spot just under her breasts that made her shiver.

He loosened his tie as he walked through her hallway and realized that he hadn’t been to her apartment in nearly two weeks. The last time they had spent time here together was after he had finally recovered from his lung surgery, and he couldn’t wait to be surrounded by her things again.

The mouthwatering smell of Italian spices that wafted through the cracks of the door had his empty stomach rumbling in anticipation.

As he stopped at the door of apartment number five, he heard the muffled sounds of the mixed CD Scully had been listening to on an endless loop since they’d finally solidified their relationship. He’d never admit to it, but her choice in music had grown on him. The reoccurring voice of Cher making him Believe was proof. Years of relinquishing the radio during long car rides even had him unconsciously singing “Hotel California” and humming the beats to Mozart’s greatest hits as he soaped up his body in motel showers.

Knocking three times, he leaned against the door frame, and instantly his smile grew tenfold when he locked onto the captivating blue eyes of his grinning Scully. His eyes skimmed down her body slowly, taking in her relaxed appearance. The slender lines of her throat, her delicate collar bones peeking through her blue, low cut, cotton sweater that clung to her every curve had him languidly dragging his eyes all the way past her snug leggings to end at her bare, nude painted toes.

Scully waved Mulder in and stepped aside. She felt her heart rate rise just looking at him.

“Hey,” Scully breathed out while she openly stared at her partner. She attempted to bite her lip as her eyes wandered over his disheveled end-of-workday appearance, but her wide smile wouldn’t allow it. God, she hadn’t realized how much she appreciated that look until she’d been denied seeing it. “Long time no see.”

“Way too long,” he agreed and stepped into her to place a meaningful kiss to her lips. He reluctantly pulled back only to place a lingering one between her brows. “Mm, smells amazing.”

Her eyes fluttered back open as he shut the door. “Thanks,” she rasped. Just one kiss and her body tingled. Her fingers were clutching at his moss green dress shirt and her heart skipped a beat knowing his eyes, which were currently studying her face, were an exact match. “It’s lasagna.”

Mulder chuckled as he slid off his black Oxfords, flexing his feet along the rug. “I wasn’t talking about the food. Although, that does get my mouth watering almost as much.”

Scully’s mouth formed a perfect ‘O’ and felt a flush quickly forming along the edges of her V-necked sweater. She grabbed his tie and jerked him down to firmly claim his mouth with her own, passionately leaving his lips with an audible pop after what seemed like minutes later.

“Good answer, Mulder,” she smirked and lovingly pushed her finger up under his chin to close his slackened jaw.

Her eyes flicked down to the plastic bag tapping at her leg. “What’s in the bag?”

“Had to stop for gas and I picked up a couple drinks for later,” he explained. Mulder shrugged off his jacket, tossing it on the couch as he walked into the kitchen. “You know, in case we work up a thirst.”

He was slinging his usual innuendo her way and she responded with an appropriate eye roll the way she usually did. Some things would never change just because they were loving each other with their bodies now, and not just their souls. There was comfort in that.

Although it had been several days since they worked up anything remotely like that, she still provoked him in return. “Subtle, and not you’re best material.” She pointed to the bag he sat on the counter and smiled. “If there’s iced tea in that bag, could be love.”

Mulder grinned and gave her a wink at the perfectly placed momento. He slowly reached in and pulled out two, bottle necked root beers.

“I knew it,” she teased. “Stick those in the fridge and make yourself useful pouring the wine while I finish up the lasagna.”

Grabbing the wine bottle and popping the cork with ease, he added, “Which really does smells delicious by the way.”

“Thanks. I just hope it tastes as good as it smells or we’ll be filling up on mixed salad, buttered rolls, and alcohol.”

“Either way, I don’t see a problem with that plan as long as you’re left satisfied in the end,” he said with a lilt, his double entendre not going unnoticed by the quiet laugh coming from Scully. He filled two glasses of white wine to the brim and immediately took a long swig after the sultry sound was still thrumming in his ears. Every little thing she did seemed to turn him on lately.

Was it getting hot in here? he caught himself wondering. Going almost four days of no physical contact with Scully had him tugging at his collar and rolling up his sleeves.

Scully donned an oven mitt shaped like a lobster and poked a knife at the center of the dish. Mulder stood three feet from her and cocked his head as she bent over. Jesus, he would never get use to her wearing leggings, and his dick twitching away in his pants fully supported that sentiment.

Scully cleared her throat, tearing her eyes away from his zipper. “Mulder, can you go change the music to something more… calming?” She stared at him with her head half into the oven, wearing a tight lipped smile and knowing glint in her eye.

Sheepishly, Mulder rubbed the back of his neck and did as he was told. On his way through the living room, Mulder grabbed a lighter and lit several candles and switched off the only other light near the doorway.

He was setting the mood. “Just a normal dinner date,” was what she had told him on the phone this morning. Scully had mentioned her family was flying in from California tonight, and he had in turn, mentioned how he couldn’t wait until after they left to see her again. So, she excitedly offered to cook him dinner where they could share a normal meal with a romantic undertone. A perfectly simple request for a very complicated couple. Mulder was eager to please and wasn’t about to disappoint her.

They were new at this romancing part of their relationship. Years of deep-seated love and undeniable sexual tension permeating their atmospheric bubble: not new. Romancing one another with the explicit intention of stripping one another naked: very new. Adding romance to their blossoming amorous relationship was uncharted territory for Mr. and Mrs. Spooky.

To him, it was romantic when she told him that she only trusted him. When she showed up in the middle of the night just to press the back of her hand against his burning forehead and force feed him fever reducer. When she shot him to save him from himself and carted his bleeding body across the country in search of the truth. When she saved and supported his ass over and over again on not only a professional level, but on a personal one, too. When she flew across the world to push aside her skepticism and decipher an unearthed UFO, literally saving his life in turn… His Scully was magnificent.

In the end, he only ever needed her.

He meandered over to the CD player and switched the disk to something he’d been listening to often as of late. The gentle cadence of Moby sounded throughout room and Mulder took the opportunity to look through Scully’s movie collection.

Whenever they had their annual movie night, it almost always took place with them sitting side by side on his couch, sharing butterless popcorn with their feet propped up while they bantered on about the plot line.

Scully watched Mulder shuffle through her things on the shelf as she sat their wine on the table. Brushing crumbs off the tablecloth, her heart fluttered at the significance of using it with Mulder tonight. Her mother would be so proud.

Scully licked her lips at the sound of the rather meaningful song he’d chosen to play and blushed at the sudden ache between her thighs as she gawked at his shimmying hips. She then thought back to their hasty goodbye in the office on Monday evening before she was to report to Quantico for the remainder of the week. That same song drifted through the office when she leaned down to kiss Mulder before she’d attempted to leave...

Not long after she had explained the need the VCU had for her to autopsy the recent victims to him, Mulder had his jacket torn off, his tie flipped over his shoulder, and her ass propped up on the desk. One high heel had slid off her stocking foot while his fingers plucked at the hooks of her bra as his mouth aptly worshipped the bared expanse of her chest. Her moans echoed carelessly throughout the basement, and Scully found herself appalled that she hadn’t at all regretted shedding one article of clothing while on the clock. Hoo boy!

Yes, sex with Mulder had definitely been worth the wait.

His snort of amusement brought her back to the present.

“Three movies, Scully? I know we rent a lot, but you only own three?” He turned and tossed her a boyish look of astonishment.

“Don’t mock my movie collection. I enjoy a wide range of genres, Mulder. Just none that consist of ‘Busty Brunettes Vol. 4,’ and the ‘Blondes Blow Best’ trilogy pack.”

“Hey now, I gave those to Frohike last year. And to be honest, I relied heavily on my own personal highlight reel of beautiful, skeptical redheads anyway,” he winked and she had to work hard not to gift him with an overly satisfied smile.

Mulder relished in the rush of color along her cheeks. “You say you own a range of genres, yet you have ‘Exploring The Unknown: The Exciting World Of Behind The Scenes Autopsies,’ nestled between, ‘Steel Magnolias,’ and ‘Mystic Pizza,”’ he smirked. “Walking on the wild side I see, Scully.”

“Mulder,” she feigned annoyance, folding her arms over her chest. “I get enough wild just being your partner. I don’t need to add any extra suspense to my life.”

“Is that so?” he playfully mimicked her irritation and followed her back into the kitchen, watching the exaggerated sway of her hips as she went.

Scully stood near the sink and tried to hide the fact that she was fanning her face with the potholder. The attempt to cool her Mulder-induced flush was failing miserably.

“What’s on the dessert menu?” Mulder stood behind her, the hard planes of his chest brushing along the blades of her shoulders.

She nearly moaned right then and there. “Me, if you play your cards right.” She’d been restraining herself from shoving Mulder’s pants down and releasing that coil of sexual tension between them since she’d opened the door.

Mulder groaned and swept tendrils of hair from the nape of her neck. “G-woman, I always play my cards right.”

“You bluff right you mean,” she corrected, goading him on for her own pleasure.

“I rarely bluff, Scully,” he nuzzled his nose along the back of her neck, sending a thrill down her spine as his fingers wisped across her spandex covered pelvis.

“Mmm… Mulder…” Just this feeling—this well-practiced teasing of her body that Mulder now mastered to a fine art had her practically shaking with anticipation. His physical foreplay was an amazing, torturous gift that always left her begging for more. Yet, one she never needed to receive in order to fall in love with him.

Foreplay for her was listening to him passionately explain how he went to the ends of the Earth to save her from the icy bowels of an UFO. Heatedly arguing about the existence of Mexican goat suckers, Fluke Men, 1939 luxury liner ghost ships, and aliens birthing themselves from their human hosts. Exchanging light hearted banter across their basement office. Discussing life validating Moby Dick metaphors while stuck on a rock. And not to forget, sharing too many intense moments of gazing and brushing against one another’s bodies to count over the last seven years. It had all been a fierce, slow burning culmination between the skeptic and the believer.

Mulder growled as his long fingers gently dipped beneath the waistband of her leggings. Her head lolled back when she knew what he would find there, or lack thereof.

“You’re planning to kill me, aren’t you?” he panted against her temple. “Wearing nothing beneath these very thin, very form fitting… sexy pants, Scully?”

She gasped and covered his hand with hers, ending up urging instead of stilling his fingers as they slipped between the lips of her sex. “We haven’t even eaten yet,” she moaned as his fingertip swirled her blooming arousal around her clit.

Soft lips brushed across her ear. “What about an appetizer?” he groaned and she sucked in her bottom lip. His mouth moved to pluck hungrily at her neck.

Her eyes fluttered shut against her will, and she trailed her fingers up across his wrist to massage his skin as he did the same within the sleek heat of her. “You should save your strength,” she quipped only to tilt her head, offering the length of her neck to his nibbling mouth.

He grunted along the column of her throat. “I’ve been saving it for years, Scully.”

“Mul—”

Her poor, insincere attempt at protesting further was stifled immediately at the feel of Mulder’s rock solid erection pressing deeply into the softness of her ass cheek. She felt him buck, thick and hot against her and she wanted to mewl at the resulting wetness that rushed through her like a surging wave.

“That feels so...” Scully sighed as she reached her free hand up behind her to scrape her fingers through the soft hairs along the back of his head. “So so good.”

The shrill sound of the oven timer jolted them apart and Scully whimpered at the sudden loss of Mulder’s toe curling ministrations.

“Dinner’s ready,” Mulder rasped into her hair and palmed her triangle of curls. He quickly inhaled her fresh shower scent of coconut and vanilla shampoo as he fought to rein in his rapidly growing need to pleasure her where they stood.

Scully lifted the back of her head from his shoulder and exhaled. “Yeah, you should go sit.” The gravely tone of her voice begged to differ.

Mulder grinned and released his hold on her hip to pat her hand that currently had a death grip around his wrist. “Okay, but you're not making this easy for me, Scully. Unfortunately, I do need my hand back,” he teased.

“Oh!” She winced slightly as his wonderful fingers and the warmth of his hand left the confines of her pants. Straightening her shirt and neatly tucking her hair behind her ears, she elbowed him and reiterated that it was time to eat.

Even though Scully wanted nothing more than to make love to Mulder right then and there, satisfying their obvious desires would just have to wait until after they ate the meal she’d been planning for far longer than Mulder realized. She had wanted to surprise him before they finally slept together with his favorite home cooked meal, and maybe even a heady makeout session with how incredible he was after Pfaster tainted her home, leaving her with another internal scar. Her heart swelled when Mulder had placed a tender kiss to the cuts and bruises that littered her face, promising to hold her hand until her inner abrasions were healed too.

Scully loving Mulder was never the issue. Their timing, however, was another story.

——

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madlost1 · 7 years

Text

I was bored and did all the questions on one of those ask me things.

Get to know me a little bit after the break if your interested:

The meaning behind my url: No meaning at all just a user name that I mad up a while back when I needed one.

A picture of me: posted one last night.

How many tattoos i have and what they are: 6 Godzilla text in Japanese, Charisma.com logo, Sucy Manbavaran portrait, Doctor Who quote, Sailor Moon symbols, Ruby Rose (RWBY) picture.

Last time i cried and why: Last night thinking about someone.

Piercings i have: 4 (2 in each ear)

Favorite band: Babymetal followed very very closely by AC/DC

Biggest turn offs: Dishonestly is probably the biggest one, smoking, manipulation, uh some other stuff that is slipping my mind right now. Physically nothing though the mind is more important to me then looks.

Top 5 (insert subject): I’ll go movies 1)Sucker Punch (2011) 2) The Blues Brothers 3) Casablanca 4) Inglourious Basterds 5) Army of Darkness

Tattoos i want: Too many but the next will probably be either a Sailor Saturn or the Straw Hat Pirates Logo.

Biggest turn ons: Honestly (obviously), Being nice. Physically Short Hair and Glasses fuck me right up.

Age: 27 (28 next month)

Ideas of a perfect date: Dinner, Mini golf, and a movie to cap the night off

Life goal: Just to live a happy life with a significant other.

Piercings i want: no more I’m done

Relationship status: Single (feels like it will be that way forever)

Favorite movie: Easy already did this one but Sucker Punch (2011) most would probably say it was because of the skimpily dressed girls or the action scenes but if you look past all of the there is a really deep and intricate story being told behind it all with multiple interpretations of what is actually going on.

A fact about my life: I shouldn’t really be here typing this today since I should have died when I was a baby.

Phobia: Autophobia (more specifically a fear of dying alone)

Middle name: John

Height: 5′9″ or 5′10″ don’t know anymore

Are you a virgin? yeah

What’s your shoe size? depends on brand 11 in Converse up to 12.5 in Nike

What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? None of the above

Someone you miss: Honestly I miss texting my crush.

What’s one thing you regret? I regret a lot of things biggest one probably being not giving the one girl that was willing to me a chance a chance myself.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: Oh boy celebrity crush I’m going to have to say Mami Sasazaki from the Japanese band Scandal.

Favorite ice cream? Strawberry

One insecurity: My looks

What my last text message says: That wasn’t work or family related it was kind of a long one to that girl that I told I didn’t think I should ask her out. ( which I later found out she had a boyfriend already any way so there was no point to it to begin with).

Have you ever taken a picture naked? No

Have you ever painted your room? Yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? No

Have you ever slept naked? No

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? No

Have you ever had a crush? Oh god yes I’m pretty sure everyone has. I still do.

Have you ever been dumped? You kind of have to be in a relationship for that to happen in the first place so no.

Have you ever stole money from a friend? Who the hell does that? No. Even if I borrow a couple bucks I always pay them back.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? No

Have you ever been in a fist fight? I’ve never thrown a punch because I will never hit a woman which leads me to the fact that my cousin was kind of an idiot and punched me a couple of times, and I also got punched in the face by some girl on the bus ride on the way home from school one day in Middle School because she said me and one of my other cousins were being too loud. (More literally a case of us talking about music I think it was, her and her friend sitting in the seat in front of us and her turning around and saying shut the fuck up and when I said no she punched me in the mouth.)

Have you ever snuck out of your house? No

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? I mean I do right now.

Have you ever been arrested? No

Have you ever made out with a stranger? Np

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Whats met up with? Gone somewhere with then yes.

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? Of course

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? No

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? No

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Assuming my dad doesn’t count (listen 6 people on vacation in a 2 bed hotel room is not ideal) then no.

Have you ever seen someone die? No

Have you ever been on a plane? Yeas

Have you ever kissed a picture? No

Have you ever slept in until 3? I can’t sleep that late. I can lay in bed all damn day though.

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now? Love is a strong word. I don’t want to use it but I guess it is kind of what it is.

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes

Have you ever made a snow angel? Yes

Have you ever played dress up? Yes

Have you ever cheated while playing a game? Yes

Have you ever been lonely? All the damn time

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? Yes

Have you ever been to a club? No

Have you ever felt an earthquake? No

Have you ever touched a snake? Yes

Have you ever ran a red light? Accidentally when I was first learning to drive.

Have you ever been suspended from school? No

Have you ever had detention? Yes 3 times all BS if you ask me. Me and my cousin got into a argument in like 5th grade that led to us both getting it. I think it was 7th grade computer class when a couple of us were fucking around and I hit a couple keys on a keyboard by accident and the piece of crap computer froze so I got hit with that one. And a lunch detention for a week because I accidentally spit mashed potatoes over a couple of people at lunch at while I admit it looked bad because I was trying to eat mashed potatoes with a straw the teachers way over reacted.

Have you ever been in a car accident? A little bump on a rain slick road when every one slammed on their brakes. Unfortunately I was on the down slope of a hill and slid down it into the back of the car in front of me. No damage all was good.

Have you ever hated the way you look? Always

Have you ever witnessed a crime? Shoplifting I guess but that’s what happens when you work in retail.

Have you ever pole danced? No

Have you ever been lost? No

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? Yes

Have you ever felt like dying? Nah as much as I say I want to there is no point to it. Just live your life. You never know how important your life may be to someone else and how your absence in life may affect them.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? Yeah last night

Have you ever sang karaoke? Alone in my room and in my car I sing along to songs all the time but that doesn’t really count.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Tried drinking a few times. Taste of alcohol is horrible to me anymore though.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Uhm the aforementioned mashed potato incident with is kind of why the mashed potatoes went everywhere

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? I never slept with anyone

Have you ever kissed in the rain? Never kissed anyone

Have you ever sang in the shower? Yes

Have you ever made out in a park? Never kissed anyone

Have you ever dream that you married someone? Yes

Have you ever glued your hand to something? Yes model kits all the time

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? no

Have you ever been a cheerleader? no

Have you ever sat on a roof top? Yes but thats because I used to help my dad re-do roofs all the time when I was younger.

Have you ever brush your teeth? I brush my teeth every day

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? I used to not be able to watch them before bed because I would get nighmares but it hasn’t happened for awhile

Have you ever played chicken? No

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? No

Have you ever broken a bone? No (actually probably my toe at one point but I never went to the doctor for it.)

Have you ever been easily amused? I am very easily amused

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? Yes

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? No

Have you ever cheated on a test? No

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? It happens sometimes

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? Yes

Have you ever give us one thing about you that no one knows. Not yet

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mittensmorgul · 7 years

Text

5.14:

Same, Cas. Same.

Lizbob was laughing at me earlier because I’m in the middle of this seemingly long stretch of episodes that involve Major Fandom Disagreements. And this is one of them. Because of this ^^

Under a cut because JIMINY CHRISTMAS THIS ONE GOT LONG...

(read more excised due to tumblr being shifty)

I will preface this episode review post with this disclaimer: CASTIEL’S LOVE OF CHEESEBURGERS IN THIS EPISODE IS NOT “PROOF” THAT JIMMY’S SOUL WAS STILL IN CASTIEL’S VESSEL AFTER 4.22.

Because everything else about s5 DISPROVES that Jimmy’s soul was still in there. I mean, if you believe that Cas being blown up by Lucifer in 5.22 was what “killed” Jimmy and sent his soul to Heaven, then why wouldn’t Cas being killed IN THE EXACT SAME FASHION by Raphael in 4.22 have done the same? You can’t have it both ways. Either being torn apart on a molecular level by an archangel kills a vessel or it doesn’t. If it does, Jimmy died in 4.22. If it doesn’t, then HE SHOULD STILL BE IN THERE, BUT CAS SAID DEFINITIVELY THAT HE’S BEEN IN HEAVEN FOR YEARS.

Since 4.22.

But, you might say BUT THEN WHY WOULD CAS HAVE BLAMED HIS HUNGER FOR RED MEAT ON HIS VESSEL? NAME CHECKING JIMMY SPECIFICALLY?!

Uh, angels aren’t incapable of lying, or deflecting the truth. And EVERYTHING about Cas’s body language in that scene screams prevarication.

Castiel: It's my vessel -- Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine's effect.

Dude’s shifty as FUCK okay? He doesn’t want to admit how “human” he was becoming, cut off from Heaven. He spent all of s5 in a slow slide from grace. He couldn’t heal Bobby in 5.02, he couldn’t hunt Raphael alone in 5.03, he couldn’t smite Meg in 5.10, in 5.13 booping Sam and Dean back in 1978 nearly kills him, in 5.16 he’s reduced to trying to communicate with Dean in heaven via radio and a tv, and after 5.18 he’s rendered utterly human AND BRAIN DEAD FOR A TIME. I mean, he’s forced to use a GUN in 5.21 and a holy oil molitov in 5.22 because he’s just got no juice left. None. BUT IF HE’S NOT AN ANGEL THEN WHAT THE HELL IS HE?! He is terrified, that’s what. And this is his version of Denial.

He can’t even look at Dean when he says it. He’s been staring at Dean wide eyed up to this point, but when Dean questions it, he looks down at the burger, hesitates, and then blames his vessel as he BODILY TURNS AWAY FROM DEAN because he is so far in denial...

Okay, for those who don’t believe that and will only take Word Of God (aka authorial intent) as proof? BEN EDLUND SAID THE SAME DAMN THING:

“I always reserve in Castiel’s overall makeup the fact that there is an aspect of him that is purely flesh and purely human, which can function as it did in an episode before as a real Achilles’ heel, when he started to eat meat, because he just loved red meat. He couldn’t stop himself.”

I.e., THAT WAS ALL CAS. In his very own human body, with his very own human desires and feelings and tastes and vulnerabilities.

Castiel: I've developed a taste for ground beef. Dean: Well, have you even tried to stop it? Castiel: I'm an angel. I can stop anytime I want.

BUT HE VERY CLEARLY COULD NOT STOP. So what does that mean about the rest of his argument there-- that because he was an ANGEL he could stop whenever he wanted.

(insert “he’s no angel” tag here)

Okay, now that we have that all squared away, on with the fun!

*pushes play*

*regrets pushing play while watching a couple literally eat each other to death*

It’s Valentine’s day, and Dean and Sam have no real leads on the case, but Sam expects Dean to go out to celebrate Unattached Drifter Christmas. But Dean’s “not feeling it.”

SAM That's when a dog doesn't eat-- That's when you know something's really wrong. DEAN Remarkably patronizing concern duly noted. Nothing's wrong. We gonna work or what?

Dean doesn’t acknowledge that anything is wrong, because he feels... fine. I mean, he’s not troubled about anything. He’s not feeling the need to Perform anything.

Like in 12.18 we’ve been talking about how Dean uses sex as a coping mechanism. How he’s used alcohol, fighting, hunting even, not to mention LITERAL medications to self-medicate. Those are his go-to self-soothing things.

So if Famine blows into town and magnifies everyone’s desires, makes them “rabid” for the things they want-- like the cupid’s couple who were so starved for physical affection they tried to consume one another, like the second couple in the office who wanted to be Everything And All to each other without anything ever coming between them and ended up in a suicide pact so nothing would ever come between them again--

(JIM I don't know, baby. Seems like whatever we do, something in life is always gonna keep us apart-- Work, family, sleep .JANICE Now prison, maybe...JIM Maybe. But I think I have an idea...How we can stay together...forever...)

Like Cas giving in to his VERY HUMAN HUNGER for cheeseburgers (I miss you PB&J), and Sam giving in to his lust for demon blood... DEAN WAS NOT UNAFFECTED BY FAMINE.

It’s what Dean was literally starving for-- to be whole, to not NEED any of his coping mechanisms, to be able to drop the performance and just BE himself. Of course Famine would see it this way:

FAMINE: That's one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can't fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex. DEAN Oh, you're so full of crap. FAMINE Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can't win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just... keep going through the motions. You're not hungry, Dean, because inside, you're already...dead.

The smirking and joking? That’s Performing Dean. The “empty” bit isn’t Dean being “dead inside,” but the part of Dean that can reject the performance, that doesn’t NEED to be “filled,” because it’s already at peace with itself.

I am sort of skipping around here a bit... back to the morgue. Dean is amused by the coroner dude. So am I. That doesn’t bode well for the dude. The life expectancy of side characters who Dean finds amusing (like the guy Dean likes because he says “okey dokey”) usually drops to around zero.

Ew, Dean.

But the heart is the key, Sam recognizes the Enochian letter on it, so Dean calls Cas.

I don’t know what’s come over me. I don’t usually infuse these things with a lot of pics and gifs, but I like this episode. (ง’̀-‘́)ง

I think part of it lies in this significant thing that has also been a theme during s12 (and even during s11):

The DIFFERENCE between Sam’s reaction and Dean’s reaction to Cas.

When Cas asserts that a cupid has gone rogue and they have to stop him before he kills again... I mean, someone please offer me a non-desitel-related explanation for this difference, because I can’t find one anywhere.

(I am not actually soliciting non-destiel readings of this scene. I truly do not care about non-destiel readings of this scene. I’m just being hyperbolic)

But aside from the fact that everyone is in agreement about the cupid’s “handshake” technique

what do we really learn from meeting this particular cupid?

DEAN Why does heaven care if Harry meets Sally? CUPID Oh, mostly they don't. You know, certain bloodlines, certain destinies. Oh, like yours. SAM What? CUPID Yeah, the union of John and Mary Winchester--Very big deal upstairs, top priority arrangement. Mm. DEAN Are you saying that you fixed-up our parents? CUPID Well, not me, but... Yeah. Well, it wasn't easy, either. Ooh, they couldn't stand each other at first. But when we were done with them--Perfect couple. DEAN Perfect? CUPID Yeah. DEAN They're dead! CUPID I'm sorry, but... the orders were very clear. You and Sam needed to be born. Your parents were just, uh...meant to be. (sings) A match made in heaven- heaven! (Dean punches Cupid)

So heaven wanted John and Mary to get together. After 5.13 and what Michael told Dean about his “destiny,” this just adds another horrifying layer to all of that. Because “Destiny” was being rigged by heaven. Angels literally were the “agents of fate,” pulling every cosmic string to get all the pieces to line up exactly to bring on the apocalypse.

HORRIFYING.

John and Mary couldn’t stand each other at first, until the event Dean described in 12.01 about how John and Mary started dating?

Dean: Dad told me. March 23, 1972 you walked out of a movie theater, Slaughterhouse-Five, you loved it. And you bumped into a big marine and knocked him on his ass. You were embarrassed and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So you went to, uh, Maroni's, and you talked and he was cute, and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song, so when he asked you for your number you gave it to him even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that you met-

So they couldn’t stand each other BEFORE this intervention by the cupid, who probably shoved the two of them into each other right there...

Like the instant change of heart that came over the two dudes in the bar in 8.23 after the cupid touched them. EVEN DEAN NOTICED THE CHANGE IN THEM.

Okay, back to the show, slightly out of order again, because I keep pausing it to go on mental tangents... I’m not constrained by the time limits of the TNT loop. Hooray for Blu-Rays. :P

*Dean absolutely COVERS his burger in ketchup, just like he does in 12.18, but here in 5.14 he doesn’t have an appetite for it. He’s not trying to “fill the void” inside himself. Instead, Cas takes his burger... like Dean eventually does to Cas’s burger in 10.09... but Cas doesn’t even get a bite before he spots the cupid and chases him down*

*the cupid hugs the crap out of Dean, then Cas, then Sam, then Cas makes him cry, then Dean punches him, and Cas tells Dean he hurt the cupid’s feelings... :P*

*have I mentioned how much I love this episode?*

SAM You just punched a Cupid! DEAN I punched a dick! SAM Um...Are we gonna talk about what's been up with you lately or not? DEAN Or not.

(something finally required Dean “self-medicating”, finally shattered the relative Calm he’d achieved so far this episode, and he lashed out)

*blah blah blah Famine blah blah I already covered the rest of this in the first section of this post...*

Sam doesn’t hunger for the blood itself, but for the power it gives him.

Just like Dean doesn’t hunger for food or sex or alcohol or violence. They’re just tools to help him manage. They are a performance.

I mentioned this in another review recently... maybe even the one for 12.10, but this is the EXACT scene Sam lampshaded for us outside the diner. In 5.14:

DEAN Demons. You want to go over the plan again? Hey, happy meal. The plan? CASTIEL I take the knife, I go in, I cut off the ring hand of Famine, and I meet you back here in the parking lot. DEAN Well, that sounds foolproof. (Castiel disappears) This is taking too long. (Dean gets out of the car)

Dean gave Cas like TEN WHOLE SECONDS before he decided it was taking too long. And he was right to be worried. Cas was completely overcome by Famine.

And in 12.10, after Cas goes into the diner alone, Dean is pacing grumpily for maybe a minute or two before Sam mutters under his breath:

SAM: And you're gonna storm in right... now.

Sam knows.

But Famine here gives Sam and Dean VERY SIMILAR ASSESSMENTS of themselves, yet puts Sam’s situation in a “positive” light and Dean’s in a “negative” light... because he is bound to Lucifer. He’s “fattening Sam up” for Lucifer. He doesn’t care one jot about Dean. What for Dean was a vast void of emptiness that he’d never be able to fill (dead inside!) for Sam is a blessing for the exact same reason. Context matters...

FAMINE Stop! No one lays a finger on this sweet little boy. Sam, I see you got the snack I sent you. SAM You sent? FAMINE Don't worry. You're not like everyone else. You'll never die from drinking too much. You're the exception that proves the rule. Just the way...Satan wanted you to be. So... (Famine lifts his hands and gestures at the demons guarding him)...cut their throats. Have at them!

Sam gets ONE GLORIOUS VICTORY here, but it came at the price of him giving in to his hunger for power:

FAMINE I'm a Horseman, Sam. Your power doesn't work on me. SAM You're right. But it will work on them. (Sam uses his power to rip out all the souls Famine consumed)

So he has to be locked in detox again. At the very end, we finally see a crack in Dean--

CASTIEL That's not him in there. Not really. DEAN I know. CASTIEL Dean, Sam just has to get it out of his system. Then he'll be-- DEAN Listen, I just, uh...I just need to get some air. [Dean goes outside and looks up at the sky] DEAN Please...I can't...I need some help. Please?

Praying to God for help, Dean? When you had an angel by your side a moment ago who was more than willing to help? Right, Famine’s influence is gone. Your Calm Center is gone too. You can’t let yourself feel okay with Cas anymore. Not to mention a part of his “peacefulness” throughout the episode was due to Sam being “okay.” And he’s so not okay right now...

What is Dean’s hunger? Not to be hungry for anything. To have Cas by his side (though maybe not on a burger binge), to have Sam happy and healthy and whole-- and wholly human. To know they’re all working together. To trust them both completely and have them trust him in return.

ETA: Because Heck while rereading this I forgot: It’s been said plenty of times before, but this is also a huge part of why Sam controls everything he eats. BECAUSE HE NEEDS THAT CONTROL. It’s self-medicating the same way Dean’s self-medicating with what HE can control for himself.

I think a lot of both Sam’s performance of “normality” and Dean’s Performing Dean persona are coping mechanisms, and are rooted in the very same need to have any sort of control over their lives.

#spn 5.14 #s12 meta rewatch #are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)#you learned it from the goats #actual quote i just used elsewhere: Damn Ben Edlund #performing dean #castiel winchester #angels and vessels #angels and souls #spn 5.13 #spn 12.01 #spn 12.18 #spn 10.09 #spn 12.10

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