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#that may affect him. yknow. like dating his ex.
findafight · 7 months
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Genuinely think some folks need to remove how we, the audience, see characters and relationships from an outside perspective from how those characters actually interact. Like y'all ask for nuance and I'm telling you that just because Nancy has gone through trauma and absolutely deserves to be as messy and complicated and hurt as she wants, doesn't mean Robin wouldn't think twice about dating her?
It's not about whose fault it is or centering a male character, it's about how Robin, the character, would interpret and internalize the facts she knows. She has no idea what exactly Nancy has been through, like we have. She encouraged Steve and Nancy in S4 to get back together, she comforted him when Nancy went straight back to Jonathan. Robin's place as Steve's best friend, someone she trusts implicitly, the person she wants to combine with, puts Steve as an important aspect of her life!
It's not that she hates Nancy! It's that even though they broke up a year and a half ago, there's some unresolved or redeveloping feelings there for Steve. It's not that I think Steve could/would/should be hurt or angry about his best friend dating his ex. It's that, in my opinion, Robin, from what we see of her, doesn't seem inclined to date a friend's ex. It's about Robin, and her personality, and that means her friendship and love of Steve.
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moltage · 10 months
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Mick headcanons i've come up with
✔️ that princess has a mind of a hunter so in a way he would take every chance to observe his object of affection. I think stalking is really strong word and it does not suit. But he would definetly try to get as much info as possible.
✔️he is ridiculously patient and doesn't mind slow burn. He would make sure to gain your trust. He would teach you basic self-defense, shooting or whatever. He would never shout at you for not doing well or get angry when you are distracted.
✔️he could't pin point how to actually behave and is super confused around his crush. Which makes him angry and at some point may snap if you joke about his ♾️girlfriends or some theory of his
✔️but don't get me wrong. He si not angry with you but only himself. And feels so ashamed. I don't know why but I feel that feeling radiating from him. And he surely overthinks. It is quite easy for him to geel that he damaged a relationship before it has even started
Part2?????
thinking abt the time matt said "mick is an ex sas sniper survivalist, and this guys a hunter, yknow as a sniper you're a hunter. he's sort of.. murderer hunting a murderer" about mick. that hunter bit reminded me of that. u are so right
he always has to be aware of his surroundings, analysing and taking in the details of the environment, so i agree he'd constantly observe his partner. he'd be quick to notice changes too, in mood or behavior and stuff.
also aw the part abt him teaching stuff is so sweet 🥺 he'd %100 do it since he spends most of his time around these stuff and it's a part of his personality so naturally his partner would have to pick up pieces
also maybe he's just nervous when it comes to feelings because he's not used to it. this whole "giving your all to one person" thing, but hey, he'd be open to it and give it a chance, sort of like growing as a person with your partner beside u type of thing IDK
don't know if he feels shameful about his love life or not but yeah. it's not easy carrying all that on your back and also be perfect at this dating thing
((absolutely yes to part two!!!! im always here if you want to talk abt cm:sb hahshd)
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rowanelliis · 4 years
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hey hi hello i’m SLATER ( they/them ), twenty-five, currently living my worst life on the left coast ( pst ). i bring to you my twitchy, lonely son, ROWAN. he’s a part-time antique lover, part-time dishwasher, full-time ghost whisperer. ( or something like that,, we’ll get to it later. ) he fills the alone ranger plot, and you can find his bio/questionnaire HERE  &&  some quick stats HERE. follow me under the cut for a TL;DR bio and wanted connections !! @phqextras​
oh hello again ! as promised, here is the summarized bio, bc i get that it’s long and you have shit to do. that said ! if possible, i would really love if you read THE BIO before/instead of this. it’s just,,, better. and better is better.  anyway, here we go !
rowan was born in pleasance to a 22 yo anita ellis and a father who bounced shortly thereafter, but we don’t care about him
he sees dead people! always has. they vary in shape from faded human to amorphous eldritch horror, and they’re supremely unhelpful. they mostly dont talk and the ones who do dont really answer what youre saying, they just say whatever they want. they moan a lot tho. its annoying. he hates them. kinda.
anita was a fraudulent fortuneteller and genuine psychic. she just knew stuff. rowan figures whatever he is, he got it from her.
he loves her sm guys. she was the mf BEST MOM. we’re talking blanket forts. we’re talking homemade stews. we’re talking going to alby’s to try on outrageous outfits they couldn’t afford and then shoplifting some little treasure to delight rowan with on the way out. the BEST.
when he was eleven, he spent an afternoon in the sequoia grove and when he got back he learned that to everyone else, hed been missing for five days
so that was a whole thing
following a years-long downward spiral of her mental health, anita showed up at rowans high school in the midst of a full-on psychotic episode. he was taken away by cps almost immediately and sent to a group home a couple towns over.
when he got back to pleasance at eighteen, she was gone. missing, not dead.
since then hes been devoted to the cause of finding her but its been eleven fucking years and no one else seems to care so he do get down abt it sometimes
his main theory is that it has something to do with the sequoia grove. he thinks that maybe whatever happened to him as a kid happened to her, but on a larger scale.
he currently lives in the house that he grew up in and that his grandparents built, a giant ugly thing that hasnt been updated in any way since the 70s
hes bad at holding a job. hes bad at feeding himself. hes bad at sleeping. hes bad at forming and maintaining relationships. basically, hes bad at being an adult human.
ok so maybe he doesnt see ghosts. maybe his mom wasnt psychic. maybe theyre just crazy. that is a possibility. but its also possible its true. you dont know. leave him alone
ok now the fun part ! here are some connections id like to see for rowan:
actual friends (one or two, three TOPS. hes a loner ok)
i honestly debated whether i wanted him to have any close friends at all but yknow what! hes been in this town for nearly 30 damn years he can treat himself to a friend or two. these would be people who believe him, or at least have an open mind. they could be from way back or more recently. just people he’s comfortable around, and maybe goes to specifically for comfort. he needs a lot more of that than he’s getting.
hookups (past or present)
i think hes kind of slutty?? not in any active kind of way, hes definitely not aggressive or even confident, but he’s so starved for affection that i think he’d have a hard time saying no to anyone offering it. his sexuality is Undeclared but Not Straight, so he’s up for grabs. he’s also weak for...... how do you say..... les milfs. i mean he would never use that word but it is what it is. mommy issues doesnt even begin to cover it. on a related note! if your character is on the amoral side of the spectrum, this guy would be wildly easy to manipulate. just like, brush his hair with your fingers or call him good or whatever. he’s Weak.
exes (maybe one serious, no more than a couple more casual)
here are some great reasons to dump rowan:
will not remember your birthday or anniversary or anything
obsessed w his mom
sometimes sleeps with his eyes open which is creepy as Fuck
usually broke
lives in that fucking house
kissed someone else at your birthday party bc they had really pretty eyes and were standing really close and kinda smiled at him and he got overwhelmed
routinely talks to the air, sometimes aggressively. thinks hes covert abt it. is not.
love interests (look im not actually into planning ships it just felt fair to rowan to balance this out a little)
here are some great reasons to date rowan:
will never, ever laugh at you or make you feel small
will give small, thoughtful gifts for no reason
cute floppy hair, doe eyes
once he feels safe with you, he will do anything for you, any time, forever
lives in that fucking house
you never knew a kiss could make you feel so wanted
maybe he’s special, you know? maybe he’s just something special
( ok that was gay ! now back to your regularly scheduled programming )
people who think he’s crazy (as many as possible tbh)
i know weve got a lot of believers here but honestly,,, even among believers i think hes kind of an outcast. the mf talks to himself. there are like 8 agreed upon stories around town and hes seen waaaaaay more ghosts than that. and non-belevers?? fuggedaboutit. i kinda see this as part of the reason he was rejected from the mystery gang. maybe someone it was like ‘ok im into checking this stuff out but that guys fucking nuts’. idk. what is life without struggle?? without conflict?? boring.
people who are using him for the story (whoever wants)
this could be a writer or reporter, but it could also just be someone whos interested in this kind of stuff. OR again, could be a non-believer who just thinks its entertaining to watch him. could be honest about their motives or straight up manipulating him into thinking theyre a friend or whatever. pretty open, i just think he would be a figure of interest to certain people.
someone who was present when his mom showed up at the high school (someones?)
this isn’t even a connection really so much as just A Thing I Want. i want someone who saw a tiny, angry-crying sixteen year old rowan drag his screaming mother down the hall of the science wing with their own two eyes. student, teacher, visiting alumni, parent or sibling who was at the school for some reason idk. maybe they pitied him and approached him later. maybe it was the thing that made someone decide hes a lost cause. it doesnt even have to ever come up. i just want someone to have that image in their brain. i want them to see it when they see what a mess he is now.
a final note! when rowan was a kid he was pretty open about the ghost stuff, mostly because his mom always believed him w/out question and he didn’t know it was something to hide. after the whole woods incident and the reaction of cps + the cops to his story, he learned to keep that shit to himself. unless he knows your character well, he probably wouldnt have discussed it w them directly. however! anyone around his age might remember the stuff he talked about as a kid or his mom showing up at the school (honestly that was dramatic enough the story may live on in the halls of nwhs today in some form or another). anyone around his moms age (40-50) might know how woo-y and sketchy she and her child were. there are certainly rumors about both of them. also, most people have probably seen him behaving strangely, ie. suddenly rerouting on the sidewalk to walk around what seems like nothing, telling something to fuck off under his breath, or just flitting his eyes over to a seemingly empty space over and over. he really does try to appear as normal as possible, but it’s difficult. i think most people see more than he knows, and more than he would like them to.
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justkpopjokes · 5 years
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Nice to Meet You, Angel. || Demon!Joshua
Ft. Joshua/Jisoo(s Chri—actually no, the complete opposite)
Anon: Demon Joshua😏
A/N: This AU has gone through 4 whole plot rewrites rip. kinda inspired by Good Omens!! (also 2 aus in a week?? whaaaaaat)
!! This is a gender neutral!reader fluff with 1945 words~ !!
Before we begin the plot, lemme quickly go through the basics of the universe
yayy lin’s doing world building again
there are angels and demons in the universe, simply just the optional jobs of people’s souls once they die
if they choose this job, they don't remember much of their life on Earth, but they do remember events they associate w/strong emotions bc it helps them
for ex. an angel could remember how sad a death made them feel so they know to prevent it
and a demon can remember how angry a bully made them felt so they can make people that level angry
both angels & demons take the form of their bodies when they were alive and roam on Earth
they can also return to Heaven/Hell and observe Earth from their respective realms
also yes demons can be summoned, but lmao you can also just give em a phone call via incantation
the angel equivalent to this phone call is praying
demons can pretty much do anything as long as it relates somehow to the Seven Deadly Sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, sloth)
angel powers are more holy/good, and they can grant things in prayers if they choose, etc
Anyway, YOU KNOW THIS BOI??
THiS bOi sHUa
he's chill af for a demon ok
one of the first demons so like no one really knows how he’s a demon bc he’s so polite
there’s some speculation that he was one of the first to fall but like
what the hell did he do???
But also some say he became a demon out of spite bc he saw a demon commit a “sin” that actually helped someone
so he became a demon just to help people in a more… unholy way
and then he was upset angels hated him just because he was a demon
like wow spirit discrimination
NOW YOU—
you are an angel (literally)
you’re the angel that protects like. atheists/"non-believers" bc c'mon just because they don’t believe in God/gods doesn’t mean they shouldn't have access to that protection service
(yes hello you’re calling APS, the Angel Protection Service sponsored by God, how may I help you?)
so yeah you’re pretty chill yourself since you have to constantly deal with people who don't believe in you lol
One fine day, you were listening to a prayer from a sick college student
ok it wasn't really a prayer but they were like "oh please, my god, let me get some sleep tonight"
you gladly put them to sleep and they slept soundly at night
when you checked on them the next morning, you noticed—
A dEmON?!?
…lying right next to the student (but above the covers, he has boundaries), who isn't stirring at all
if the leather jacket and ripped jeans didn't tip you off, he had some horns on his head to confirm ur suspicions
You: "Hey what in the world are you doing here?!"
???: "What? If they get up rn they won't be able to pay attention in class. I'm letting them rest first"
You: "Wha—who—okay, okay okay… who are you?"
"I’m Joshua, nice to meet you, angel"
Shua knows he has the name of an angel so afterwards he's like. Don't get it confused bish.
you ask him what he's doing, and basically, he's using the sin sloth on this sicko student so they stay in bed and recover instead of going to class
Even tho you feel iffy abt letting a demon affect a human right in front of you, an angel, you are a bit intrigued
you haven't seen a demon use their powers for good before…
who is this guy??
anyway he disappears, presumably to Hell, once the student needs to wake up
which is when u miracle them some bread to get
But don't worry, you're destined to meet again~
which you did, on several occasions
and ok maybe you were glad to talk to someone who was actually interesting
so, yknow,,, if another angel was like "hey y/n uhh there's a demon… bothering? someone? idk but it's a non-believer, that's ur jurisdiction right"
you had a guess on who this demon was…
…and you were right
Joshua: "Oh hey angel"
You: "Ew, you make it sound like a pet name"
JS: "Well I don't know your name, do I?"
You: "Oh. Right. It's Y/N."
he still calls you angel tho, smh that flirt
y'all just bicker and/or chat for a bit whenever u go help the same person
Like one time when he insisted that you let him use gluttony on a teen so they'd eat a lot of ice cream that day
they had just been through a bad break up so u let it slide
Or another time he used wrath on a timid kid so they could stand up to a bully
all of these ended w/you two bickering while walking away
There was this little girl you were watching from heaven who was writing a letter to "Whoever Can Do This"
little girl started listing a bunch of things, which you assumed were toys
but then you realized it was actually stuff like food, friends, a puppy, a loving dad who will go out to the park with her—
so u go down there to check on this lil child
…and that's when you see a familiar leather jacket watching over her and suggesting other things to write
you can’t see him from heaven so ur like gosh darn it I should’ve known
"Joshua?? I should've known it was—"
*cue both shua and the child turning around*
JS: "Oh hey, nice to see you, angel"
Lil' Nugget: *GASP* "Mr. Josh is this ur s/o???"
JS: "Hm? Oh, I mean, no, but um…"
You: "Josh what have u been putting into this one's head…"
Shua's all like "greed! Her dad's been ignoring her since her mom died so we're writing a list of things she wants"
then the smol girl smiles so wide and is like "Mr. Josh is helping me! He's my new friend!!"
ur like awww dangit ok I'll let it slide if u let me help
Once she finishes it, Josh hands the girl's list over to you
he explains quietly he wants you to miracle her dad to pay attention+love his daughter again so they can have/do all the other things on the list
you read it over again and do just that
The little girl gives the list to her father, your miracle allowing them to have a fun afternoon eating ice cream and playing with her toys
And you and Josh have a nice time too~
once y'all left that girl's room, he invited you for some soda
"Coke? I hope you mean Coca Cola"
"Yeah, uh, there's a place with a vending machine not too far from here. We can walk"
You don't spend time on Earth often, but you learn as you walk w/Josh that he "prefers the air up here"
mainly bc he doesn't fit in with the other demons, but he also just likes spending time with humans
(obviously tho he needs to go down to hell occasionally for like conferences and such)
you don't remember if you've ever been on a date before lol
Josh doesn't either, but he does remember how jumbled up ur emotions get, which he is not ready for
then again of course he has, I mean look at that charm
however, you can't remember if the feeling you get when going on ur little date with Shua is love :/
it isn’t really, but just bc this is ur first “date,” so it makes sense
But Josh makes sure to take you out again… for dinner!!!
you were investigating the use of lust and pride at the same time
of course, it was just Josh helping a guy find someone to hook up with
you were kinda disgusted and wanted to leave, so shua gladly took your arm and pulled you away to a restaurant!
y’all had a nice dinner, paying with some money Josh had collected
and then you went to walk together and chat some more
he’s breathtaking, and he actually wants to spend time with you despite y’all being on opposite sides of an inevitable war
You don’t care, going on more dates just to talk and not have to care about ur jobs and other stuff
Shua hears you yell “what the hell” at some point and he’s like woAH you can say that???
“Yeah. I mean, it’s not really polite, but I can. Can you say ‘Thank God?’”
“‘Thank God?’ Well look at that, I can. Good point”
you love him because he’s so chill and doesn’t give a f*** abt anything
except you and humans, apparently
like he could’ve burned or smth by saying “Thank God” or be confined to the basement of Hell for helping people/talking with you, but he doesn’t care lmao
However, no one really knows you’ve been talking with a demon tho so uhhh
when they do you get in a little bit of trouble w/the archangels
ur boss was essentially like “y/n what the HECK are you doing?!? you’re on thin ice rn”
you get mad at him, trying to defend Joshua
and you’re right in doing so, since he just wants to help people with a different set of powers
ur archangel boss sends you back down to Earth, saying you can’t return to Heaven until they work smth out
(they probably want to burn you with Hell fire)
You warn Josh, knowing they might burn you
he’s adamant on keeping you with him, so y’all try to hide or smth
which won’t work of course, but you can try, right?
right?
Shua and you sit together on a bench, with you leaning on his shoulder
“Joshua… I’m scared, I don’t want to be burned!”
“Don’t worry y/n, it’ll be okay. I love you, angel, nothing bad will happen”
and just like that, you remember what it feels like to love
“You’re right. I love you too. Help the non-believers for me if I go, alright?”
“I’ll help them just for you.”
Your archangel boss is smart, knowing the worst punishment for you is to be reincarnated without memories
you wouldn’t remember Joshua at all
and when he drags u back up to Heaven, you want to cry
do angels cry holy water? anyway
you’re sent back to Earth as a baby that can’t fend for itself
You remember nothing.
You’ve recently graduated from college and are out looking for a job
you’ve gotten rejected and fired so many times
for ex. just now, after you were arguing with someone who spoke another language that you didn’t know and there was no translator available
the customer wasn’t willing to cooperate either, ignoring your attempts to use an online translator smh
it’s late and you’re tired, so you leave, angry, and start coughing frantically when you inhale too much smoke coming from the alley next to you
naturally, you’re like “What the hell?! Dude, you’re not supposed to be smoking this close to an entrance!”
“Why do you care? You don’t work here anymore”
you take a better look at the stranger once he steps into the light of a nearby lamppost
it’s a dude in a leather jacket and ripped jeans who drops his cigarette
“Need help getting a job, y/n?”
“how do you—what—who are you?”
he extends a hand out to you, which you shake reluctantly
“I’m Joshua. Nice to meet you, angel.”
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icharchivist · 6 years
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Okay this start to seriously annoy me (as in angering me, not “making me spiral down out of controle” (edit; okay maybe a little but hi that’s me from the future and i’m doing fine, i’m just annoyed but no breakdown there, not really)) so bear with me, but also, tw: s/uicidal & selfh/arm mention and stuff like that. I’m super annoyed at my mom. (also generally it’s in general for all my #ichapersonal posts but pls d/on’t r/eblog especially not this one bc i’m just. so. damn annoyed.)
Also it’s really just ranting because i really need to let it out this is seriously weighing at this point I just need to rant it out;
(also it’s a long post so if you’re on mobile and the readmore didn’t work and you want to avoid it go quickly blacklist either my tag or #longpostforts, it’ll hide the post for your dash)
My mom has this tendencies to always bitch about “kids who says “I’ve never asked to be born””. She had been bitching about it for as long as I can remember bc if i recall, my elder sister (yknow the one who ended up running away from home, never to be seen again for what, 17 years now (17 years?? holy fuck how time flies)(also i’m starting to really feel like she made the right decision at this point)) actually told her that at some point while they fought.
bc my mom believes children should be grateful of life given, that “life is a gift”.
So regularly she goes on rants about how “kids who says “they never wanted to be born” are so ungrateful, life is a gift, you should be grateful to your parents, to me” (she singles herself out everytime) “for how much time and effort we take to raise you, we give you a chance in this world how can you be ungrateful and say you never wanted it”, and stuff like that.
You’d think that after having me spelling her out that i’ve been s/uicidal since i’m 13 she would change her fucking reasoning but nooooo
This is so unnerving. I’ve heard all my life that kids thinking birth is a curse or w/e are ungrateful toward their parents but is she seriously the fuck hearing herself??? It’s not about the fucking parents, if a child tells you that, be concerned about what it means of their suffering, not about what it means for the parents, you apathic selfish person.
My whole life had been a struggle i would have gladly spared myself with thank you very much.”life is a gift” so were the multiple trials I had to manage as a teenager because both of my parents were unable to manage their fucking divorce? I’m sorry what about my life is a gift to me? As far as I know I’ve been the emotional backbone of this freaking family for years and had been there for all of my mother’s breakdowns, but I’ve never had that back. I was the gift to at least try to soften the blows, but it wasn’t a gift for me that’s for sure.  Life sure wasn’t a gift when I first told my mom i was s/uicidal  and had s/elf harmed and that the only thing she told me was “look I have more important things to deal with okay” (see, the kind of petty things i still remember and I’ve yet to have a proper apology about because “nooo but Chloé I wasn’t doing okay you can understand” hA. Jokes on you I had YOUR CONCERNS, MY FATHER’s and MY OWN and back then I was getting out of an ab/usive relationship with my ex and the fact i just lost most of my friends at once while i was trying to manage how the fuck I could at least ease the issues between my parents and with my ex’s jealousy & aftermath, also my own mom’s h.omophobia when i was trying to bring up that aspect was sure helpful, also freaking important exams coming, and also remember it was when you completely fucked up your relationship with my other sister that I also had to manage, “i wasn’t doing okay” neither did i but i’ve never shut you down that I know of.)
Or at least it wasn’t for me, since then my mom ran to tell my dad to say “see our daughter is s/uicidal because of you!” (no??? I didn’t say that??? even if it was true I didn’t??) and since then had my dad using it against me on official paper (you never know true love until your dad try to tell a judge that “because of the de/ression given by your mom” you were “untrustworthy” and that therefore he shouldn’t give you any money and that you learn that upon reading the judgement’s request) and making s.uicide jokes in front of me about me to people i don’t know (which!! he did!! right before I cut ties with him! in front of clients of him!! seriously why do i have those fucking parents.) But hey i’m sure it was a good “gift” for my mom to have something to guilttrip my dad with for ONE trial which turned against her considering how he used it. WHAT A GIFT.
GUH this is something I hate, I have a lot of wounds like that that I don’t even care about anymore (or at least don’t think about because no one can change the past and it’s something to live with) and our relationship has evolved past this point, but then she says this kind of things and all that bitterness comes back full blown. 
We’ve discussed about it.  I told her. I had to hammer it down multiple times (HA. And even there how much of those conversations ended up being “it’s because of your father/your abandon issues about your sister? Because me too you know, this is hard for me too here’s how it affects me and let’s not talk about your self destructive tendencies” wow thanks mom) How can she so carelessly throw this kind of things. We’ve discussed about it more than once for fuck’s sake. And she throws it in front of my step dad, the one person we can’t talk about mental health with because the guy always have a mean comment to make about it and doesn’t believe in d/epression this family is a fucking joke.
“Kids saying “i’ve never asked to be born” are ungrateful, life is a gift that i gave you” fuuuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
I don’t even know why she said that out loud, I was just walking from the living to my room and I have no idea of the context, but I legit just snapped at her telling her to fucking stop with that and she tried to defend myself like “do you know how hurtful it is to hear from a kid that they never asked to be born” you don’t say, do you know how hurtful it is to hear from your own parents that your self destructive tendencies due to how much said parents put you through are “not important”? 
Ya know what’s even funnier -because my parents told me about that- Apparently they wanted me so much when I wasn’t born yet that they almost tried to do a fertility boost while i was already a featus and it would have killed the featus to do it and it’s just last minute that they realized “wait there’s already a baby inside” - good for my parents, lost my chance it seems. (also fun fact since I was born strangled by the cordon thingy, it’s like i was too stubborn to die what a moron @ me).  AND, WHAT MY PARENTS DECIDED TO TELL ME, freaking beautiful really, is that when they did the echography to see what my birthgender was, my father was so dissappointed over hearing I was a girl (and that therefore i’ll be the 3rd girl of the family) that he left my mom who was pregnant with me at the hospital. He actually took the car and drove back home, home that was 30 mins away from the hospital in car, and he left my mom alone at the hospital. She had to call her best friend to bring her back home. My father blamed my mom because ofc he has the genetic understanding of Henry VIII.
as a result i spent my entiere childhood feeling like i wasn’t wanted by my dad bc he told me all my life he would rather have had a boy and always made it feel like i wasn’t good enough, and my mom always priviligized my sisters (which may be a result of me being the younger one of the family, but then when I was 7 I had my elder sister (who was a/utistic so my mom was always overbearing with her before she left) running away from home and my other sister who right afterward almost died due to medical complication, having my mom overprotecting her especially that close to the departure of my other sister and she kept being overprotective afterward. That may have played a part. And i mean when we come to have convos where my mom ignores me completely unless i mention my sisters? And the fact she willingly admit that she “doesn’t want to force herself to care about things she doesn’t care about” while mentioning that she has more in common with my sister than I? Ya that doesn’t help the feeling. But ya know it’s just ~the youngest sibling feeling~ lmao) - Also my mom who l o ves to remind me that apparently I was an overdynamic child who was a nightmare to take care of because I was hyperactive, so she was always tired and loves to remind that it was hard for her to handle me, that sure didn’t play at all in making me feel unwanted. Especially when she’s unable to say anything about me that doesn’t come from the time i was “an unbearable hyperactive child who completely stopped her from wanting any more children” because of course this is the kind of things you say to a child and you make good care that you only ever talk about that and not anything else about said child even if the latest actual anecdote (that isn’t “actually blowing off because this family is hell” she never mentions those lmao) dates back from when said child was 9.
(also it adds to the whole “with all the time we took to raise you” what i was taught by my parents is that i was unadequate and would never be enough, thanks - all my morals i got them in fictions and online all i’ve learnt from my parents was a caucionary tale of what I should never become. Which is also something that annoys me when, the rare times my mom says she’s proud of me, she always adds “i’m so proud to have educated you this way” and it’s always, always on subject that i’ve learnt online or in fiction and regularly things I got mad at my mom for not knowing so ye fuck that. It’s too easy to just take other’s people achievement as your own and refuse to listen when they tell you to stop.)
lmao did i ever mention too, my previous therapist and i discussed a lot about my d/epression and while i personally pinpoint my 13yo as my breaking undeniable point (because when you are hurting yourself because the physical pain makes you forget the emotional pain, this is time to stop prentending nothing bad is happening), my therapist said i had symptoms already when I was 7yo but i was too young to recognize them and since it’s the year the brain usually have a huge development, i developped all the unhealthy coping mechanism - but she also mentioned that the fact my father went to abandon my mom at the hospital because of me, was probably at least a bad vibe that carried on all my life.
So ya!!! beautiful!!! I spent my whole life from the womb to feel unwanted, to the point i completely shut down and thrived upon people appreciating me, which put me as a target for being b/ullied so much i just ended up not get too emotionally invested in anyone and emotionally distant in general after too much fuck up from my part by trying to be loved, and which was so determined to please all my life that I tried to fix everyone’s miserable lives around me until my mental health gave up completely.
(and like don’t get me wrong - my parents made me feel unwanted all my life, i was b/ullied up until high school, i lost all the friends I had before high school because of the a/busive relationship i ended up winding up into, and it fucked me over. It truly did. But I don’t think i’m “unloveable” I think just that it doesn’t matter to try. My high school friends, who are the people i consider my best friends today, are the most precious thing that happened to me and I will never second guess how they care for me. I have wonderful friends all around the world, I don’t feel “unloveable”. But i do feel like not wanting to try. If people leave, I won’t care because eh that happens. Even if i know my friends are here for me, and that I will always want to be there for them and support them, I can’t bring myself to go to them unprompted when i feel bad - even if i know they don’t consider me a burden I was taught all my life my emotions were such anyway. Things that are hard to unlearn. But there’s no “no one loves me” or ignoring completely my qualities there. I consider it a miracle i’m this kind while i’m this bitter, that I care so much about things even if i know it’s coping mechanism, but that i can still get this enthusiast about things sometimes -  and honestly when I look back i recognize that i’m strong, even if i don’t consider myself strong enough considering how everything still goes wrong and I can’t go back on my feet no matter what, so much my own physical health is sending me SOS. But i’m not blind to the point of ignoring that it takes strength to get this far- i’m just so, so tired of having to be strong all the time and knowing if i let weakness in for one moment all hell breaks loose for me.) 
“Life is a gift it’s ungrateful to tell a parent you never wanted to be born” hi, i never asked to be born, you never made me feel like i had any reason to want to be alive except for what I could bring you and you only, i’ve never thought i’d live past 18 and was s/uicidal at a young age because i felt unwanted and felt like carrying everyone’s burden. Y’know, things we talked about multiple times. 
“ye but your elder sister made it associate to a trauma” well that’s a trauma for me as well thank you very much.
See, this is what actually sickens me with my parents. This sort of thin veiled sentences that somehow hit right in the nest of everything that once went wrong in my fucking life. This sort of little sentences that are even worse to me than actual insults because it disregard again everything we talked about. If i needed more proof (and i didn’t) that my parents never listen to me or care for my feelings outside of what it can bring them, this is a wonderful exemple.
I’m angry, i’m done, this family is a fucking mess, I’m tired. bye. 
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