#thank youuu <3 i didn't think i'd actually get any so this made me very excited lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

levmada · 3 months

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Hii! Congrats on starting your transition! ❤️ I hope you don’t find this too intrusive, but I really want to know your story with realizing who you really are and taking the steps to get there? (If that makes sense) and how is testosterone treating you? Also, do you still menstruate?

I ask this with curiosity, love and support 🙂

thank youuu<3 yeah i can :)

//tw gender dysphoria. also this is extremely personal just so yk👍

i knew something was off the second i started puberty hahahahahaha(🥲). i was 9 or 10 and didn't know what being transgender was, so, to be shamelessly honest, i refused to wear panties (i even hate that word honestly) and would just go commando until my mom gave in and got me "boy shorts". aka panties with an extra inch.

i hated the idea of bra. actually it made me sick. i couldn’t fucking stand living in my own skin at that point. despite growing them at 10, i was 12 or 13 before i gave in, but it was sports bras.

however there was a very short timeframe between that and learning about being transgender, so i'd do the double sports bra trick + 38943809 layers until i got a chest binder (which i don't remember how or when😭it might've been a loan from a trans friend when i was 13ish.)

never was a fan of makeup, dresses or long hair. funnily,,,,,, the only reason i got my ears pierced when i was like 8 was so i could get out of shopping for easter dresses.

meanwhile my mom wanted my hair long, but also around 8 or 9 i chopped that bitch. i'd chew on it (anxiety) and not brush it until it was like. all in knots so it would get cut. my mom stopped gaf, but everytime i got a short cut it was the cursed pixie cut most transmascs know too well lol, so i had it in a ponytail all the time. never liked it though

there were a lot of reasons i hated my body with every inch of my being, but i did cover up and layer all the time cuz of gender dysphoria. a core memory is going on vacation to florida in summer and sitting in front of a pool wearing jeans and a fucking black jacket😭like are you kidding me

i didnt rly comprehend being transgender (or lgbtq in general really) until i was 12 or 13. growing up on the internet, it continuously shocked me at that age what problems people had with gay people / queer people in general. it was the same for being trans, but i think i labeled myself straight and cis cuz i was already a fucked up individual with fucked up problems and i didnt want any more, especially one as heavy as being trans.

but it was too agonizing not to bind my chest, and i didnt shave my legs or underarms. i did use a nickname but it wasnt gender ambiguous whatsoever and it sucked.

along the way, while i was in choir, for a performance i had to wear a dress and i tried to shave my legs and put on makeup. when i saw pictures i didnt even know who that was, but it was wrong.

that’s not me.

but it has to be.

it's not supposed to be me.

i think i was 14 going into high school when i was like: pronouns? am i gay? chop all my hair off and be a Boy? yeah, and it helped i found a friend group that was queer.

from the very beginning of that, i was a trans guy. i rly don't remember what changed that? i think mainly my gender was a work in progress so nothing was sticking (they/she, they/he, they/them, and such). i think..... my earliest name.... wassss casper? aidan? lol

i got bullied/shamed out of the first name though. this was the mid 2010s where there was a lottttt of transphobia in the trans community.

i'll explain just in case. there were basically two parties: trannies who thought you needed gender dysphoria to be trans (transmedicalists), and trannies who thought you didn't (tucutes). in the former's opinion, there were "normal" trannies who "didnt make it their whole personality". if you didn't want top and bottom surgery + hormones? if you liked dresses or anything remotely fem? — you weren't trans.

you can probably see immediately how damaging this way of thinking is. a youtuber named kalvin garrah was basically the leader of the transmeds or truscum as they'd go on to be called lol, and i watched him religiously for reasons i can’t remember. youtube was still pretty new and it was hard to find youtubers whose channels was about being trans, and kalvin was always transparent about it from what i remember.

so yeah i got it into my mind that i couldnt be a transman bc i didnt fit exactly a transmed’s idea of what being trans means. i didn’t think i wanted bottom surgery for instance, but i was also FUCKING 15?? in no position to even be thinking about that.... and i also had a trans boyfriend at this point and he wasn’t gay so . that contributed. rip.

and like i first said, i got bullied out of being named casper because other queers and even some trannies thought i was being a "transtrender" which ties into all that.

for the bulk of high school and on (like 5 years) i was pretty firmly nonbinary and went by they/them pronouns. but also, there were a lot of reasons i wasn't in touch with my body and self so i was more or less oblivious, and the gender dysphoria blended in with the general self hatred?

yeah so imagine a super realistic robot coasting through life without any higher awareness. i was (dissociating) simply Not There so much that i don't think my personal problems or me in general ever was something i was cognizant of, let alone concerned about.

so that was me from age 17 to 21. i went by it/its pronouns for a while after something bad that happened, but not much change.

it was kind of a fluke really. as far as my gender went i was like 'yeah i’m okay with this whatever' while being objectively depressed, but i was depressed for so long about it that i became used to feeling helpless. didn't give a fuck about outfits, my body, even my hygiene much, and i hated mirrors.

"""""im okay with this""" yeah ok💀

i can’t even remember why i started testosterone😭i knew a shit ton about it and being trans for several years, so it was just...? spur of the moment...?

it turned out to be so easy it seemed too good to be true, but it wasn't, and i got my T prescription. during the initial appointment i chose to give myself subcutaneous injections on the spot...? i was hesitant about this idea, but perhaps it means something that this was the perfect method for me (compared to gel or intramuscular injections for example). i started on a little higher than average dose.

then my WHOLE world flipped upside down bc even the acne and the voice cracks were incredibly gender affirming. EVERYTHING felt so good and right + i realized there are 0 feminine things i can do/be that i'm anything but uncomfy with.

(not that there can’t be for you, but my experience is extremely binary)

it was jarring to change my gender after identifying as nb for soo long. i almost thought it was because i hated myself and my body, so i was only happy that i was looking different, not that i was looking the way i needed to. i gaslit myself a couple times into thinking i wasn't seeing any changes too lol.

in the first month, my menses stopped, and a lot more changes happened fast lol, like my voice dropping, smells changing and getting stronger, and hair growing.

perhaps within the first two months my mood became majorly destabilized. i already took a lot of psychiatric medications on account of having bipolar type 1, ptsd, and a slew of anxiety disorders lol. but it was then i actually started giving a fuck about THAT, too. as it turns out, getting off some of those meds / lowering my dose made me felt 100% better (like i could actually sleep and think clearly for instance).

and testosterone is still treating me extremely well :)

i mean it when i say every single aspect of my mental health improved extremely in a short span of time. i didn't realize i didn't know what it was to be actually happy or even okay till then.

it's pretty expensive, but it's worth it. so is top surgery which i got super recently.

since starting T, i have been scouring reddit and other forums to learn from others' experiences. that's how i was so prepared for top surgery for the most part. and it felt rly odd for me to read of how some people were/are scared of regretting it, or soon after surgery feeling that way/depressed. because god i'm so happy (not that anyone is wrong for feeling the way i described). i feel so free. of course it's disabling right now, and there's pain, and blood, but that quite literally means nothing to me because my chest is right, now. i didn't underplay it when i said that it has always been the biggest/worst source of my dysphoria. if i got a chance to redo things, i'd do it the moment i turned 18 (if possible sooner).

i am currently in the process of getting my legal name changed / my sex changed on my ID. meaning i need to turn in the request lol. i've put it on hold for now so that i can heal👍

that's everything so far i think. i plan on continuing medically transitioning, prob w/ phalloplasty (meaning, tissue is taken from somewhere else on my body and creates length for a penis + urethra so i can pee while standing up lol). but that'll be when i've been on T for a year (since surgeons generally advise giving the dick a chance to grow as much as possible from T lol).

so yeah :)

#this is my experience so if it doesnt line up with you or your understanding dont come at me pls<3 #transgender #ftm #kane has mail #kore #trans man

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