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the-letter-horror-lover · 2 years

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Forever And Always by gamefreakwritesfanfics

Anime » Kuroshitsuji Rated: K+, English, Romance & Hurt/Comfort, [Madam Red, Grell S.], Words: 2k+, Published: Oct 23

"I know you hate it, but…I really love your hair."

Angelina Durless glanced up at herself in the mirror while her butler began to tread her fingers through her hair. But is that all I should think of her as? When she's so much more than merely my butler? Despite herself, she could not help but smile when Grelle smiled at her in the mirror. It had been a long day. It had been a painfully long day. Too much work. Too early of a morning. And, worse than that, it had been an exhausting day. Her gaze fell down to her hands. How long has it been since I - we - last killed one of those whores? She began to fidget with her rings. Has it really been ten years already since he died? Since I last wore my wedding ring? She closed her eyes, struggling to control the thoughts chasing her and leaving her senseless. She swallowed hard. Is this all I will ever be? A doctor who murders her ungrateful patients? Barely aware of it, she could feel her body beginning to tense. Then, it suddenly stopped. Two gentle but firm hands held onto her shoulders. She opened her eyes. In the mirror, again, Grelle was watching her, looking more and more concerned. Startled, she let go of Angelina, her own mind beginning to quickly wander, with increasing incoherence.

"Why?" Angelina finally said, turning around to face the reaper. "Why did you take pity on me, and, by your own admission, break every code of conduct in your profession?"

Grelle hesitated before shaking her head.

"You and I are much alike. The first thing I can think of is that neither of us can have children despite so desperately wanting to."

"Yes, I suppose that is rather important and upsetting to us both," Angelina stared up at her. "It's just the two of us," She said quietly. "You don't have to pretend you look like that."

Grelle raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you're alright? You usually are quite insistent on keeping up the -"

"Hush," Angelina reached over to take Grelle's hands in her own. "You and I both know that no one will be around for the next day and a half. I…"

"Will it make you feel better if I," Grelle winked. "'Drop the act,' as you might say."

"Yes," Her voice caught a little in her throat. "Yes," She repeated, regaining herself. "I should hope I know you well by now, Grelle. I'm well aware of how unhappy you can be pretending like this. Do you honestly believe I want to watch you suffer?"

Grelle eyed her closely. A few seconds passed between them in utter silence, with only the buzzing of street lamps just outside the barely open window permeating the silence. Not wanting to let go of her hands, Grelle lightly tugged only one of her own free. She ran her free hand through her hair, and the wig unceremoniously dropped to the floor. It was only a matter of seconds before her clothes and her glasses shifted, too, becoming the red she so very much adored. Angelina smiled a little. Red. It's a colour that suits few well, yet is so effortlessly beautiful on her. Her hands tightened around the one Grelle had not pulled away. I wonder…what do the lines on her hands have to tell? Does the practice of palmistry extend to reapers? Or is it one only suited for humans? She was barely aware of how intently she was staring at her hands as they held onto the one Grelle had allowed her to cling to. Then, startling her for only a mere moment, Grelle rested her other hand over Angelina's and her own other. The two women's gazes met. The widowed baroness. The reaper. Neither one of them seemed willing to let go of the other. Neither one of them seemed unafraid of what was out there, beyond the slightly ajar window.

"If what's out there is like what's in here," Angelina glanced warily at the window upon a few branches scratching violently against it. "Perhaps I ought to make myself disappear."

Almost too quickly to make a difference, Grelle let go of her just long enough to shut and lock the window. She was back at Angelina's side almos faster than anyone could blink.

"Are you afraid?" Grelle began to release the jewellery from around Angelina's neck and ears. "To see what the world could become, should we make a mistake?"

"Of course I am," Angelina said. "Can you even imagine what might happen to me? Or to us?"

"Unfortunately, I can," Grelle said, letting the necklaces fall loosely into one hand. "Your life would be over, and society would come crashing down around you."

"Precisely," Angelina bowed her head as Grelle began to unclasp her earrings. "I would…everything good I have done in my life would be overshadowed with the blood I have shed."

"Do you feel any regrets?" Grelle said, her fingers lingering around Angelina's ears. "About what we have done? What you seem to desire we continue to do?"

"Perhaps a little," Angelina quietly admitted. "But I have no idea what else to do. Every time I have to…I can see and feel nothing but my own loss."

Being able to have been a mother had meant everything to her…and she andI have become one in the same as we cannot have that one wish fulfilled.

"There is only one other option," Angelina paused before shaking her head. "But it is too obvious. It would be impossible to execute, or explain."

Grelle raised an eyebrow. "To what are you referring?" She said, finally pulling out and setting aside Angelina's earrings.

"If I were to let one of them live," She began, her voice wavering. "I could let them grow the baby, give birth to them, and, then, take the baby as mine. And kill the mother who had wanted to never be born."

"What would be so impossible about that?" Grelle watched her closely through the mirror. "It sounds to be almost the perfect way to enact vengeance. A longer game for us, of course, but still…"

We would be able to have a baby. Maybe a little girl we could hold the hands of through life, or a little boy we could even introduce to her nephew as something of a boy to mentor. Not that Ciel Phantomhive has ever been particularly affable to anyone.

"But how would we explain where we -" Angelina's voice caught in her throat again. "Explain where I came into the guardianship of a baby?"

Grelle considered that. "Well, I suppose -"

"All of high society knows I am incapable of having a child of my own," Angelina quickly blinked back tears, but her voice finally betrayed her completely. "I have been ridiculed for it. I have been accused of causing my own accident," Her speech quickened almost incoherently. "I have faced nothing but mockery by some for not being 'careful' enough while with child. I have been told that I ought not have ever left my home until the baby was born, or -"

"Ann," Grelle gently rested her hands on the baroness' shoulders. "It is of no fault of your own what happened to you. It never was, and it never will be."

She turned around to face the reaper once more, again taking her hands in Grelle's.

"They would find a way to demonise me if I ever have a child of my own," She whispered. "It would all come undone. I would never be able to be a mother, no matter how desperately I want to be so."

The two women stared at each other in silence. To the surprise of the baroness, the reaper knelt down just a little so that she could hold her face in her, for once, ungloved hands. Hands that were so soft despite how every day, side by side, she used her chainsaw, and the baroness used her knives. It was almost impossible, a constant refrain, it seemed, in the back of her mind. The baroness did all she could to shake the thought aside. It plagued her nightmares, too, and those were becoming more and more difficult to shake. Among the most cruel were the ones where it appeared her life had become the one she had always wanted. Always, she walked through what felt to be a lifetime of happiness, with her late husband, their late child, and more children with him she had always wanted. Always, something would shatter the happiness away into a nightmare. A fire. A storm. Anything, really, could happen in those dreams, with the cruelty of it worsening every night she had one. Barely aware, she was shaking so painfully again. The world was spinning. It was more than nightmares, but fear. Fear of what would happen should she be caught. Fear of the lack of understanding by the world. Fear of being -

"I wish there were more I could do," Grelle's voice softly cut into the rushing thoughts of the baroness. "If it were possible to do exactly what you have just laid out, I would help you execute it flawlessly."

Execute.

Exe -

"Ann?" Grelle suddenly pressed one hand against Angelina's chest to calm her down, startled by how quickly the baroness' heart was racing. "Ann, are you alright?"

"They'll execute me," The baroness weakly whimpered. This is not like me. What is wrong with me? Her hands tightened around Grelle. "If I am ever caught - if we are ever caught - I'll be put on trial. I'll be judged not only by the high society, or the courts, but by my nephew. Ciel will judge me terribly."

"Does it truly matter what he thinks of you?" Grelle could not hide the pricks of betrayal in her voice. "I thought -"

"He is all I have left of my sister," Angelina suddenly snapped. "How can I possibly not be concerned by the potential for judgement by him?"

Grelle let go of her, both startled and hurt.

"I'm sorry," Angelina eventually said. "But, Grelle, I cannot fathom a loss like that. He is the closest thing to being my sister, and the closest thing to being my son."

"Would you be able to kill him, then?" Grelle asked, curiosity taking over her. "If you had no other choice to ensure that you would be able to be safe, and carry out your life as you've determined?"

Angelina hesitated, feeling dizzy. She closed her eyes, once again blinking back tears.

"Should I take that as a no?" Grelle stood up, somewhat uncomfortably beginning to pace. "Do you -"

"I could never harm him," She spoke softly, standing up herself. "You don't…you don't think he would hand me off to be executed…would he?"

"From the little I've seen of him, the brat," She paused when Angelina flinched. "He probably wouldn't take it well, to say the very least."

"Perhaps…" Angelina's hands tightened on the dressing table behind her, and she stared down at her feet, Her slightly overgrown bangs fell over her eyes. "Perhaps we could test the waters. Take a look at…how things are there. How not only he is doing, but what his thoughts on the matter are."

Grelle eyed her closely, leaning back against the wall. The reaper and the baroness, perfectly across from each other. When their eyes finally met again, Angelina managed a small smile while Grelle adjusted her glasses.

"How would you propose we do that?" Grelle said, meeting Angelina's smile with one of her own. "You seem to be thinking quite intently on it, now. Don't leave me wondering, Ann. You and I both know how I loathe not being in the proverbial loop."

"You may not like it, Grelle," The baroness coyly warned her. "As it would involve you…extending our facade a great deal further."

The reaper laughed. "Which facade in particular? That I'm a man? That I'm merely your butler? That I'm nothing but an acquaintance to you?"

"Never the latter," Angelina said, slowly stepping towards her, extending a hand. "The first two, however? I unfortunately have to ask that of you."

Grelle reached out and took her hand. "Do you think we should? Do you think it will help?"

"It will help…at least give me some sort of sign," She reached out to take Grelle's other hand in her own. "I need to know. I just need to know."

Grelle squeezed her hands as reassuring as she could.

"Would you…" Angelina's voice broke despite herself. "Would you be angry with me if it came down to me having to kill Ciel?"

"Maybe," Grelle confessed. "But not necessarily with you."

Angelina stared at her for a moment, her hands beginning to shake again.

"I would be angry because I wouldn't know what to do," Grelle continued. "And we both know that I act rashly when I haven't got a clue what I am to do."

"Yes, I know," Angelina sighed. "Grelle," She whispered. "Whatever happens, do not let them execute me. I cannot die that way. I cannot have my legacy be solely in my vigilantism."

"And how do you want me to do that?" The reaper pressed. "Ann?"

"If you have to…" Angelina lightly pressed her forehead against Grelle's. "Kill me. If there becomes no other choice…please be the one to kill me. It…it won't hurt if you do it, won't it?"

"Of course it wouldn't," Grelle paused when the baroness tightly embraced her. "Ann -"

"And you're certain?" She said, barely able to get the words out. "You're certain it won't hurt?"

"I'm certain," Grelle promised, her voice soft. I'm only like this with her. It's strange. But wonderful. "It also…would be an honour to be the one to see your cinematic record."

Angelina nodded. "I feel I've already experienced death," She said, all but falling into Grelle, who carried her to the bed they so secretly shared. "The accident. That night, I…I could have sworn I died. Then, to find that I had not, but instead had lost my husband, and my child…it felt like death, not even including the pain it left me in - physical and otherwise."

"You would feel no pain, Ann," Grelle fell silent again when Angelina curled into her. "I would never put you in pain. You do know that, don't you?"

Angelina sighed. "I'm sorry, Grelle. I shouldn't…"

"It's a reasonable question," She said, her fingers loosely treading through Angelina's hair. "But you know I never lie to you, never would, and never will."

"Good," Angelina shifted slightly to kiss her. "Even if you have to kill me one day, Grelle, I will always love you. You…you have taught me how to love again after all that has happened, after all that I have done. And I fear I haven't said that enough."

"You don't have to," Grelle replied, pulling off and setting aside her glasses. She laughed while her vision began to adjust into its natural, terrible state. "Ann?"

Angelina reached up to cup her lover's cheek. "Yes?" She murmured.

"I've already said it tonight, but I'll say it again," Grelle let her lips linger against Angelina's when the baroness kissed her again. "I really do love your hair. And I'm only reminded of it when it's one of the few things I can clearly see. The colour of it is…it's distinctive. And I find it to be absolutely gorgeous. Truthfully, Ann? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known…and I…I love you."

She smiled. "Forever?"

Grelle nodded. "And always," She affirmed, sealing it with a kiss.

#black butler fanfiction

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